Читать книгу Hard to Love - Joseph Nowinski - Страница 9

FOREWORD

Creating and maintaining a long-lasting intimate relationship is no easy task, and poses challenges for most of us. Even for those who were blessed with ample supplies of love, attention, security, etc. from their childhood caregivers, having a healthy and happy intimate bond requires tremendous fortitude and perseverance, plus a commitment to conscious and deliberate self-awareness.

No doubt, for those who did not receive adequate supplies of the necessary ingredients early on in life, the challenge can be daunting. Imagine how hard it would be if you not only didn’t get many of the “goodies,” but you also received a bunch of the “baddies,” that is, neglect, abandonment, or abuse? Definitely not an easy task. Plus, to make matters even more difficult, many males are taught that they need to be as tough as nails and don’t—nor should they—need the “soft” and “feminine” forms of nurturance that are reserved for a few lucky ones, girls.

For years, the field of psychology has been heavily saturated with attention and focus on women and the well-being of their relationships, particularly in terms of how to make their intimate bonds strong and healthy, as if the male gender’s situation didn’t matter. Tons of attention went toward understanding and diagnosing insecure and emotionally unstable women, both through the world of professional counseling and in the world of self-help. However, the male gender was seriously short-changed.

Well, men, too, can suffer from low self-esteem, insecurity, and enormous self-doubt that can result in serious emotional instability. It can reach the extreme wherein these states define all of a man’s behavior and ultimately compromise the stability of his intimate relationships. And, sadly, because we’ve tended to stereotype men as “the tough ones,” we have often missed the boat on understanding and appreciating the complexity of a man’s inner world. Hence, we haven’t even begun to provide guidance for men and their loved ones on how to help them overcome their experiences of deep pain from fear of abandonment and rejection, which underlie these insecurities. This is not a condition where you can tell a guy to “take two aspirin and call me in the morning.” Rather, this condition, known as Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), requires serious attention and an in-depth method of treatment. Plus, since many men still experience a negative stigma when it comes to seeking help for emotional issues, they are prone to deny their issues and often fail to seek or accept help. So what are these men and those who love them to do?

Many women I have known and worked with professionally have had the experience of dating a man who had initially presented himself with many endearing qualities and who at first seemed terrific. However, very quickly into the relationship, the women sense that something is off. For example, he may need to know their whereabouts all the time. He may freak out if his calls are not returned immediately. He may be subject to sudden and severe mood swings.

Until now there has been little to no literature available to explain what I am now certain is what Dr. Joseph Nowinski describes as the Male Borderline Personality Disorder (MBPD)—which he aptly describes in Hard to Love.

Fortunately, Dr. Nowinski’s book offers us an easy-to-read, highly informative, and insightful guide for men with Borderline Personality Disorder and for their intimate partners. Using real-life examples coupled with a direct yet compassionate tone, Dr. Nowinski guides the reader through a deep understanding of MBPD followed by a multidimensional solution. He illuminates such issues as how to deal with “free-floating” anxiety and insecurity. He teaches how to build self-acceptance, healthy boundaries, and resilience in both love and life. This is a truly comprehensive approach to understanding and overcoming this disorder.

Thank you, Dr. Nowinski, for writing such a much-needed work. May it help its readers end their emotional suffering and finally be able to see the light of hope and healing.

Debra Mandel, PhD

Psychologist and author of

Don’t Call Me a Drama Queen!