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10-Second Set-ups

‘The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.’

Lane Olinhouse

As a parent, you know how the concept of time radically changes as soon as there’s a baby around. Minutes can seem like hours when your little one won’t stop crying or refuses to sleep, and hours can pass like minutes when it seems you’ve surely only just finished feeding your baby and yet somehow it’s time to do it all again. Babies just don’t follow the conventions of time as we know it. As Catharine Kedjidjian of the website BabyZone writes, ‘Babies start life with a distorted concept of time: night can be day and everything is now.’

We are at the behest of our babies. We find ourselves asking questions like, ‘Is there time for me to get dressed before the baby needs feeding again?’ or even, ‘Do I have time to go to the toilet before the baby needs me?’ And the truth is, there really is no way of telling if there is actually time or not; when our children are babies there are countless days when we never quite have enough time to get fully dressed, or to brush our hair, or even to drink a cup of tea while it’s still warm. As parenthood begins, time is no longer our own, and either gladly or reluctantly, we hand it over to our babies and join the ranks of selfless providers and carers as per the tacit new-parent contract: any time, any place, anywhere.

‘While I feed my baby I can eat my lunch with one hand or pick things up off the floor with my feet. I have my hair tied back in a pony-tail – well, that stays put for days without any attention. You learn to just get by when you have a baby.’

Mum of two – master of multi-tasking

Carla Poole, Susan A. Miller EdD, and Ellen Booth Church explain on Scholastic.com how this early parenting is important in forming the beginnings of a baby’s understanding of time:

‘A multitude of nurturing moments helps babies’ natural body rhythms and schedules take shape. Loving relationships are formed and life becomes a more predictable pattern of people, things, and events.’

As our babies move towards toddlerhood, time begins to take on a more recognisable and predictable structure again. But there is no concept of hours or minutes in a toddler’s mind; instead there’s nap time, milk time, nappy-changing time, lunch time, snack time, story time, play time, bath time and bed time. They’re grasping the abstract nature of time through the routines and patterns of their daily activity. They’re certainly not sticking to any clock, and woe betide any parent who tries to keep their toddler ‘on time.’ I’ll never forget my own battles at the sandpit when my son, then two, would clearly demonstrate that his time to play had not finished – despite whatever I might think. He just would not have it that it was time to leave, that the park was closing. He would lie down on his back, stiff as a board, refusing to budge. Ah, happy memories.

As Carla, Ellen and Susan point out, two-year-olds have all the time in the world; it’s us adults who never have enough. When your child is a toddler it’s clear that they are still in charge of time – and they can be incredibly forceful in deciding how it will be spent, and often frustratingly unrealistic.

The good news is that as toddlers move towards preschool age, they begin to understand the concept of ‘before’ and ‘after’. This can be very useful in moving the day along smoothly; we, the grown ups, can then start to be more in charge of time, with simple authoritative statements that include these concepts: we’ll play outside after nap time, or, before we have our snack we must wash our hands.

Preschoolers also start to get the idea of when and then, which is lovely for either reviewing the day, reporting it to granny, say, or using it to talk about the future: when you’ve taken off your shoes and coat, then you can go and play. There are lots of positive and playful methods of establishing rules and routines in the chapter Sanity Savers.

But what about the times in between the transitional moments in the day, when we’re not needed to direct, help or move things along to the next, or more suitable, activity?

When children play

These in-between times – when your little one is oblivious to time passing and is happily occupied, independently busy, involved in an activity – are like manna from heaven when we first encounter them. And it’s in these moments we discover that, while they still need subtle supervision, our children really don’t need us to entertain them, or to be involved. This begins very early on, even when our children are babies, as parenting expert Janet Lansbury discovered with her three-month-old baby.

‘I placed her on her back on a blanket near me and watched. My needy, vocal baby, the one I’d been entertaining and engaging almost every moment she was awake, spent nearly two hours in this position, peaceful and content. She knew I was there, shot an occasional glance my direction, but didn’t seem to need a thing from me except, perhaps, my appreciative presence. And, oh, I was beyond appreciative.’

On her website (www.janetlansbury.com) Janet has beautiful video footage of babies happily playing on their own, playing with their toes, just looking around them or at something close-up, or happily reaching out and making efforts to get toys and objects, for much longer than we might think possible.

As a child grows into a toddler and preschooler he or she becomes increasingly capable of entering this zone, and for longer, where they find their flow; they are busy, they are concentrating on something with an impressively long attention span; they are playing independently. When we see this ‘magic’ happening we are often tempted to watch and marvel at their brilliance, and for some parents it’s very tricky not to interrupt them – albeit unintentionally. But also, it may occur to us that we might be able to take advantage of this little bit of freedom. If we simply let the children carry on playing, maybe we could make that quick phone call? Or read the newspaper for a minute? But as writer Lane Olinhouse points out, it seems the moment we sit down and look comfortable (or equivalent) we suddenly have the undivided attention of our child.

Sometimes, young children can’t help but to tune in to us and what we’re doing, the moment we think they’re immersed enough for us to tackle that chore or dash off that email. For every time we successfully step away and achieve something while they’re playing, there are many times when our little one is suddenly round our feet, needing us right now, when we were quite invisible to them just seconds before. And flag up to a toddler that you need them to ‘just wait a minute’ while you finish fixing the TV remote, or applying for a new car tax disc and you’re usually on a hiding to nothing. They need help to find their flow again, and it is on these occasions when 10-second set-ups can save the day.

Can young children really wait?

It seems not all young children challenge their parents in this way. Pamela Druckerman, author of French Children Don’t Throw Food has discovered that Parisian children definitely know how to ‘wait’. They are simply told to do so by their parents and teachers from very early on in their lives, and they apparently learn this skill rather successfully, developing the self-control and resourcefulness to self-distract until the waiting is done. By doing this, French children have earned themselves a reputation for being a tantrum-free, non-clingy and independent lot. This strict, no-nonsense tactic of simply being absolutely authoritative in stating when children need to wait clearly works for French parents, but to me it seems rather unnecessarily brutal. It also encourages unwanted behaviour, known in France as ‘betises’, which are basically the times when children are ‘getting up to no good’. According to Druckerman, in France this is apparently a common and almost expected side-effect of getting children to wait.

Fortunately, it is possible to help young children learn not just to wait, but how to wait – how to find their flow again – by tapping into their intrinsic desire to be busy, productive and playful. We can guide them back to independent play by using gentle, simple and playful methods. Being able to find something to do – something that is constructive, calm and absorbing – is a highly useful skill that can stay with toddlers right through childhood and into adulthood. Knowing our children have this skill means we parents can get the space we need should we wish to do something for ourselves (without wondering if our child is ‘getting up to no good’) even if it’s just sitting down and collecting our thoughts for a minute or two.

So, my second way to play is about helping toddlers and preschoolers find their flow of independent play again; when we need them to amuse themselves constructively while we get on with something else.

TV or not TV? That is the question . . .

Of course, a very tempting way to get young children to wait – to be quickly absorbed, quiet and captivated – is to plonk them down in front of the TV, or, if we’re out and about, by handing over our smartphone or iPad. And the truth is this tactic will usually work like a dream; our children become quiet, still and occupied, giving us that much-needed downtime or the opportunity to complete a task that needs adult-only attention. But problems will arise if we rely too much on the screen as a babysitter.

When the TV is constantly on, often it becomes just something in the background to our little ones, even if it is set to a channel showing programmes aimed at them. They either end up ignoring the screen in the corner all together – and so it loses its power as an attention-grabber or babysitter – or they become totally addicted to it. It is a drug, after all.

Where a generation ago nearly all preschool programming was limited to certain times of the day (and was advert-free), now there’s TV for tots around the clock. Turning it off can be a real battle because there are no longer any natural breaks, not least because we are always shown what will be on next to keep our little ones tuned in. Apps and computer games are the same – there’s no sense of them ever ending, you can simply ‘play’ the games again and again.

In a recent Yale Family Television Research study teachers described children who watched excessive amounts of TV as less imaginative, less cooperative, less enthusiastic about learning and less happy as those children who watched little or no TV. The reason being that by watching too much TV or playing with computer games too often, children may eventually find it difficult to keep themselves busy at play in the real world, and might lose their natural creativity. Sue Palmer, author of Toxic Childhood, explains that in the first few years of childhood, genuine interactive first-hand experiences are much more important than technological toys. She quotes Dr David Walsh of the National Institute on Media and the Family, ‘If we orientate our kids to screens so early in their lives, we risk making media their automatic default activity.’ Whatever your App says it can do for your child’s learning, it cannot provide the real-life, hands-on activities that are so important for young children’s healthy development – it’s how they learn about the world around them. A hands-on approach to toddler learning beats high-tech hands down.

From a physical perspective, too much TV watching and playing computer games can drain a little one’s naturally high energy levels, making them far too sedentary. Physical play is very important to toddler growth; it builds strong muscles and helps children discover what their bodies can do. Small children naturally want to run, jump and climb, but as Sue Palmer suggests, too much screen time may result in them becoming sluggish, frustrated or fractious. She also cites some research in Scotland showing that three-year-olds weigh more than their counterparts of twenty-five years ago because physical activity levels have dropped off so dramatically.

I’m not saying that a little TV watching or a short time on screen-based activities can’t be useful (in fact, it features in the chapter Stay and Play), it’s just that now there is so much on offer 24/7 that we have to be really on top of just how much our little ones are exposed to.

But here’s the good news: by having other, more playful, options up our sleeve, we can nurture independent play habits for our children as they approach school age; play that is creative, often physical, involves learning and is in the real world, in real time. As the National Literacy Trust tells us, encouraging independent play is much more beneficial to toddler and preschool learning than anything our children will see on screen.

Setting the rules for screen time

If you do occasionally want to use screen time, here are some tips that may help to keep you in control:

Set limits in advance and be disciplined about keeping them.

Consider showing full-length feature films in a series of instalments.

Choose what your tot watches and uses wisely and always supervise them as they watch. Even better, stay and play with them while they are involved in any screen-based activity.

Think of TV and App use like sweets; you’d never hand over a whole bag of assorted treats to your tot – too many would make them sick, and you never know if there’s a hard toffee or a choking hazard of a boiled sweet in there. Select, share and limit the treat.

10-second set-ups are a way to play

By offering simple, self-explanatory and open-ended play prompts that either surprise or are somehow linked to what the adult is trying to do at the time, we can provide an initial spark of interest. The activity should then captivate, involve and absorb a young child for many independent minutes at a time, so freeing us up to feed the baby, make that call or open the mail. In time, they will start to come up with their own ideas – self-initiating positive play when they find themselves at a loose end.

There are numerous benefits to 10-second set-ups, both for you and your toddler or preschooler:

you get some downtime.

you have the opportunity to complete that task that needs adult-only attention, enjoy that cup of coffee, or have that conversation with another grown up.

your child goes back to being happily occupied, playing.

your child masters how to play independently and how to keep their flow of concentration.

their attention spans are given a good workout and will become more robust and lengthy.

your child becomes used to parents or carers being present but not required.

he or she develops numerous skills through playful activity.

you both get some quality time alone, but together.

a child’s temptation for sneaky ‘mischief-making’ behaviour is vastly reduced.

Which 10-second set-up?

The aim of any 10-second set-up is to promote independent play without you getting too involved – ten seconds should be long enough for you to offer the bait, and then your little one can take the play where they like. The actual complexity of the play will of course depend on the age of your child, their specific abilities, their dexterity, their maturity level, the set-up of your home and where you are.

Below are some tips to bear in mind when offering a 10-second set-up for your little one:

Don’t stop them if they are already immersed in independent play; just keep an idea up your sleeve in case they tune in to what you’re doing and can’t get back their flow, even when encouraged to.

A 10-second set-up should be about discovery and experience, not end product.

Keep it very simple, using just an idea, perhaps something you have prepared earlier, or something you have to hand wherever you are.

Make sure that you involve objects that are not always accessible to your little one, so they become more interesting and alluring.

Be low-key in your offering of the object or activity; if you make too much of it, your child might well be put off. Even better if they discover its presence by themselves.

Check the activity is open-ended, will naturally lead your child on to playing something else independently, or has the potential to be a long enough challenge or game that will keep them engaged for as long as you need.

Make sure the activity is pretty much self-explanatory and self-exploratory.

Don’t intervene if they’re playing with the stuff in a wholly different way to how you’d envisaged. Leave them be and let them play.

Try different set-ups often to keep them fresh and irresistible.

Think about the set-up’s element of surprise; it needs to be something that immediately grabs their attention.

Do listen out for genuine needs and always be subtly supervising.

Don’t expect every set-up to work every time.

Always be close at hand to keep an eye on your child, but try not to become involved in the activity – let them play independently.

Always check that the objects used for the set-ups are not choking hazards. This is especially important for the under-threes.

Older children might respond well to a timed activity, e.g. ‘when the timer goes off, Daddy will be finished and we can play something together’.

Be aware of your little one’s go-to type of play; if they’re mad on construction or imaginative play, for example, you can rely more on 10-second set-ups that spark playful activity in that direction.

Acknowledge to your child that they’ve allowed you to get your job done, if you made them aware that this was the purpose of this independent play time.

When I asked parents on Facebook what things their little ones seemed to resent them doing or just plain didn’t allow them to do without them wrapped around their legs, or equivalent, making phone calls or going to the toilet seemed to be most problematic. But there were numerous other everyday activities mentioned too, and some of these are listed below:

Grown-up activities, when children might need to ‘wait’:

Drying hair Eating Taking a shower Shaving Cleaning teeth Daily stretches, exercises or yoga practice Making a phone call Going to the toilet Getting dressed Sitting down Making a cup of tea Making a sandwich/cooking Fixing something Changing a light bulb Taking out the rubbish Opening the mail Clearing up after a meal Paying bills Making appointments Listening to the weather or traffic news on the radio Helping other children Feeding a baby Having a conversation with another adult

Out and about:

Waiting in a queue Interaction at the counter in a shop, at the bank or post office Having a (brief) business meeting A doctor’s appointment A dentist appointment

So, here are lots of examples of 10-second set-ups for those instances when you need your child to be calmly, happily and busily playing independently. This way to play is a quick-fix solution that will take 10 seconds or less to explain to your child. Some 10-second setups do need to be prepped in advance, but this extra work will pay dividends when you’re feeling the pressure and can’t think of anything to tempt your little one to play on their own.

Each suggestion given here will help to promote independent play, encouraging toddlers and preschoolers not only to wait, but to learn that waiting can be fun. This is in no way a finite list, of course – I’m sure you’ll discover different set-ups that work a treat for your little one as you start to introduce them into your daily play.

Personal care

In the bathroom

When my two were very small, I remember taking their baby-bouncer chair into the bathroom while I took a shower. If I timed it right, the whole experience was wonderfully sensorial and they would happily sit and bounce and look around, just enjoying the warmth, sights and sounds of my shower-time.

However, such simple distractions will not be enough to capture your child’s attention as they become toddlers and preschoolers. If your child finds it difficult to wait while you have a shower, i.e. they are unable to choose something – and stay with something – to do that doesn’t need you, try one or two of these 10-second set-ups to help them get into their flow:

Shaving foam art: Here’s one that is especially good for dads. One blob of shaving foam put onto a lid of an ice-cream tub or similar goes a long way and will provide a wonderful, sensory substance for your little one to enjoy while you shave. If they need more help with how to play with it, challenge them to make as many different patterns on the lid as they can, using their fingers to move the foam around.

Aquamat doodle-time: If they need encouragement to play with the Aquamat, challenge them to cover the whole thing with patterns and pictures for you to see when you step out of the shower.

Bathroom busy bags: This needs some prep in advance. Fill a couple of small tote bags, make-up bags or inexpensive pencil cases with different things. Produce them only when you need to and change their contents every now and again. The surprise of a new bag is usually a big hit. In these bags you could put:

Foam bath-time letters or shapes. A wet sponge in a small bowl will provide enough moisture to make the letters cling to any tiled or porcelain bathroom surface.

Hair styling stuff. Bag up a few big clips, a soft brush, some soft hair scrunchies and a safety-mirror tile.

Empty bottles and big lids to match up and twist on. Check the lids are not so small that they pose a choking hazard.

Plastic stickle bricks/Duplo or Octons. If your child needs a little help to find their flow with these, challenge them to make something tall or funny or beautiful by the time you’re out of the shower.

Small figurines’ bath time. Make up a simple kit with, say, a small plastic bowl plus soap plus a small sponge and a flannel, for a mini let’s-pretend bath time. If you put a little water in the bowl, place a towel underneath to prevent slips.

Sponge construction shapes. Cut up some colourful new sponges into shapes and bricks for some brilliant, and quiet, bathroom-themed building.

Waterproof craft foam cut into sections of road (you can also buy these pre-made) and a selection of small toy vehicles for some road building, and zooming and racing car action.

A selection of waterproof bath books.

Lots of mini-pom-poms or the foam ‘peanuts’ you get as box packaging and a small, empty, dry water bottle. Challenge your little one to fill the bottle with pom-poms by the time you have finished in the shower. You can use the pom-poms or packing peanuts again and again, of course.

A message-in-a-bottle kit – you need a small, empty, dry water bottle, strips of paper and a pencil. Challenge your little one to ‘write’ you messages on the strips of paper and post them in the water bottle. See how many different messages they can make before you step out of the shower or finish brushing your teeth.

Let’s pretend wash bag – What you’ll need to do beforehand: Make up a special wash bag for them to investigate. It’s great if it has lots of pockets. It should look like a grown-up’s version, but with kid-friendly contents; a hand mirror, brush, comb, small wash cloth, mini water sprayer, some empty cream bottles, a nail buffer and emery board, cotton wool pads, a shower cap, a hair roller, a hair scrunchie, and the like.

Drying your hair

Offer your child a harmonica or other noisy musical toy to play on while you use the hair dryer. Let them know they can play as loudly as they like, in the same room as you, only while you are drying your hair. The noise – sorry – music, will get totally drowned out by your hair dryer and is the best way to really appreciate it, I think.

Getting dressed

Getting ready for the day when you have babies and very young children can often be a rather snatch-and-grab affair. But if you have your little one with you in the room you could try to take the time pressure off yourself by letting them discover a game while they wait for you to get dressed. Try one or two of these 10-second set-ups, if they aren’t able to find something to do themselves, to help them find their flow through calm play:

Dressing teddy: Offer some play silks or scarves plus a teddy they can dress up while you are doing your thing.

Dressing skills bags: These are good opportunities for young children to practise their own dressing skills without feeling under pressure to get ready quickly because of time constraints. What you’ll need to do beforehand: cut out hand-sized shapes in thin card or craft foam and punch holes round the edge. Fill a bag with these lacing cards plus a few shoelaces or yarn – sticky-tape the end to prevent fraying. Fill another with short and long strips of Velcro or zips, and another with big buttons to post into a plastic tub with a slit cut to size in the lid.

Button-up: I remember a wonderful book made by my sister, for my little sister, of felt – each page had some kind of ‘getting-dressed’ skill to try – like a picture of a shoe with real laces, and a picture of Humpty Dumpty with a real belt with a buckle. The idea below is a little less ambitious, but should capture the attention of your child just as well. What you’ll need to do beforehand: sew about ten colourful large buttons onto a piece of felt or non-fraying fabric just as you like. Then cut out shapes from felt – hearts, triangles, circles for example, and cut a slit through each to make a button hole. The shapes can be attached and removed again and again by your little one – great buttoning practice.

Junk-jewellery box discovery: Have a special-looking jewellery box for your little one to explore. Make sure they know that it’s a real treat to be allowed to look at your special things. Do keep all expensive and delicate stuff out of reach obviously – we’re talking plastic bangles and chunky beaded necklaces here.

Make-a-necklace kit: What you’ll need to do beforehand: into a shoebox or basket put a couple of handfuls of coloured pasta tubes, big chunky beads or cut-up pieces of drinking straws along with a shoe lace or yarn. Wrap a little sticky tape around one end to stop it fraying and tie a big knot at the other end. This kit will keep your little one independently busy, threading and necklace-making while you dress. Do check any beads used are not so small as to pose a choking hazard.

A special bag of books about getting dressed and clothes: Little ones feel very special lying on a grown-up’s bed, and will really enjoying looking at a few picture books in such a luxurious setting.

Some of our favourite books about getting dressed are:

Thomas Goes Out – Gunilla Wolde

Bare Bear – Miriam Moss and Mary McQuillan

The Emperor’s New Clothes – Hans Christian Andersen

The Tale of Peter Rabbit – Beatrix Potter

The Smartest Giant in Town – Julia Donaldson

Magnetic dress-up: Dig out those magnetic shapes plus a board – or a metal baking sheet works well. If the magnets have a clothing theme, all the better.

Puppet costumes: What you’ll need to do beforehand: gather a few finger puppets and some small fabric squares. Fold the fabric squares in half and make a small slit in the middle of each, big enough for the puppet’s head to be pushed through. This should start a spot of dramatic puppet play with the chance to change the characters’ costumes.

Exercising with a toddler-in-tow

Whether you are a fitness fanatic, an occasional runner, play competitive sport in a team, love dancing, cycling or swimming, there is no doubt that having small children will have had an impact on the amount of time available to exercise, and your attitude towards it. Whether you’re desperate to continue, get back to it, or start a new regime, you of course have to take into consideration what happens to your little one while you exercise. For some, it’s a matter of dropping them off at the gym’s crèche, or getting childcare while your team plays a match or you go for a run; for others it’s about waiting till the little one is napping, or in bed at night.

For many parents and carers, incorporating exercise into playing with their child is a good way to go. You can read more about ideas for this way to play in the chapter Stay and Play, but if you want to try to get your daily or weekly fix of exercise when you have your child with you, but not necessarily joining in with you, your little one needs to learn to wait while you exercise. With a 10-second set-up or two, you should find they get used to playing independently while you do your thing.

Exercising at home

If you exercise at home – say, doing yoga, Pilates, or dance, for example – and your children are swirling round your legs like puppies but are adamant they don’t want to join in, here are a few 10-second set-ups to distract and happily occupy them until you’ve finished your practice:

Plastic bubble-wrap popping challenge: Few young children can resist the lure of bubble-wrap. Small pieces can be set out like puddles – for leaping and jumping practice; make sure your little one has bare feet and the bubble-wrap is on a non-slip surface or secured to the floor with a little masking tape to keep the fun safe. Larger lengths can be used for marching, crawling, running and rolling practice. The challenge, if required, could be to see if they can pop every single air pocket before you’re finished with your exercise.

Target practice: Challenge your child to scrunch pieces of scrap or newspaper into balls – they’ll need to make at least ten – and then throw them, aiming into an empty waste-paper basket. Of course, the challenge can be made harder by standing further from the target.

Skittles: Sealed plastic bottles, with a little water in them for a bit of weight, make great skittles. Raid your recycling for at least three, and challenge your little one to see how many times they can knock them over and set them up before you’re finished. A small soft sponge ball or beanbag can be the projectile.

Walk the line: Make a couple of masking (painters’) tape lines – one straight, one zigzag, say – on the floor, away from where you’re exercising. That should start up some tight-rope walking, and who knows what else; toys and cars may also become involved. Just let them go with their flow – and you’ll have the space to finish those stretches.

Tracks and runs: If you have a toy train track or a marble run that your little one can make independently, now’s a good time to challenge them to see what they can make by the time you’ve finished your exercise; they’ll love showing you their design when you’re done.

Soft-toy Olympics: While you exercise, challenge your child to find out which of their soft toys is best at running, jumping, rolling, skating and the like, with an athletic competition. Medals could be given at the end – maybe you’ll get one too, for being so good at your particular exercise.

Books about sport or physical activity: Your child may relish a quiet few minutes near you, looking at stories about sport and exertion, while you finish yours. A couple of our favourite picture books with a sporting theme are:

Ambrose goes for Gold – Tor Freeman

The Tortoise and the Hare – an Aesop fable

Tunnel-time: These cheerfully coloured pop-up tunnels are a good investment – crawling babies love them and toddlers and preschoolers are still drawn to their enclosed, colourful space. They’ll slither and crawl through it again and again, but might also use it as a camp, or involve other toys. Its sudden appearance could intrigue your little one for at least the time you need to exercise, and probably longer.

Toys play Twister: If you have the game Twister (which I highly recommend getting) you can set it out for your little one with a few soft toys as the contestants. Your child can be in charge of the spinner and move the toys to the correct colour spots on the play-mat. They’ll make up the rest of the rules as they go along.

Sustenance

Whether we want to make a cup of tea or have a quick sandwich, finding time for our own sustenance is often a huge challenge for parents of the under-fives. One of my friends told me how she would surreptitiously eat most of her meals and snacks standing in her kitchen, facing away from her kids while they were in their high chairs. She had to hide what she was eating because they would always abandon whatever they were doing, even if it was having something identical, in favour of her food. Another friend’s two-year-old had a serious obsession with kettles for a while; he desperately wanted to open and close the lid and put the kettle on its stand over and over again if he ever got the faintest whiff of anyone wanting a cuppa. It was often easier to just not ever think about having a cup of tea. Some young children are very intrigued for a while with the process of food preparation and, as another mum told me, ‘sometimes, just sometimes, I’d rather they just let me get on with it.’

‘. . . very little ones grabbing at/climbing up your legs, or trying to get in the oven when you open it, or wanting to be carried so you have to do everything with one hand. Bigger little ones demanding food instantly when you are trying to cook it, “but Mum, I want something to eat NOW”! If you give in and do snacks then the cooked food doesn’t get eaten.’

A mum of two, trying to make lunch

Maybe the dream scenario, while food and drink is being prepared and partaken, is for your little one to be – as the French would have it – sage; a word I rather like. By this they mean that children, and very young children at that, are calm and self-controlled around food and at mealtimes – they certainly do not clamber to take your food, or food that’s destined for them but that is not ready yet, nor do they ask for different food. The way in which French parents achieve these dream eating habits and table manners in les enfants is, as you may have guessed, by setting strict rules; there is certainly no pandering to the potential fussy eaters out there. But I can totally see how the sage child, the calm and well-mannered child that waits patiently while food is being prepared, eats when and what they’re given, and allows their parents to do the same, might be something that makes this particular aspect of parenting easier. It’s how to achieve this, though, and that’s the tricky bit. Unless you’re French, of course.

If your child is finding it difficult at mealtimes – is not sage – and is exhibiting unwanted behaviour, then take a look at the chapter Sanity Savers, which might help. If, however, your child can’t find their flow of independent play while you prepare food or drink for yourself or them, try one or two of these 10-second set-ups to help them wait:

Play dough: This is a kitchen basic in my house. It’s such a wonderful way to get young children busy and concentrating at the kitchen table or on a plastic mat on the floor while the grown up cooks. There’s a recipe for homemade play dough – and a batch will last for ages if you keep it in an airtight container. One of the best things about using play dough as a 10-second set-up is that it is so versatile – you can ring the changes in a flash, refreshing children’s interest by offering different things to use with it; from favourite figurines, shells and sticks and rubber stamps, to toy kitchen equipment like plastic cookie-cutters and rolling pins, cupcake cases, buttons and pipe cleaners. The only thing they mustn’t do is eat it.

Empty muffin tins and ice cube trays: These compartmentalised containers are irresistible to young children. Just add pom-poms, favourite mini figurines, toys or play dough and see how the play develops.

Egg boxes and cardboard tubes: These recyclables are brilliant for little ones. Grab what’s to hand from your recycling stash and add some things to hide in the boxes or slide down the tubes, such as small figurines or toy vehicles. Or make a sensory tub for your little one to explore, right before their eyes, by placing the tubes and egg boxes in a large, wide-based box along with some uncooked rice (the rice can be used again and again), some plastic scoops, bowls and a funnel or two.

Pestle and mortar and herbs: We have a wooden pestle and mortar which my two children have loved since they were tiny; it makes them feel very chef-like or scientist-like. Just put out some handfuls of things for them to crush – like herbs from the garden, eggshells, a cracker or a few cornflakes.

Pincer practice: If you have a set of small tongs in your kitchen, or a set of kids’ chopsticks or tweezers, you can entice your child with a challenge to sort pom-poms, uncooked pasta shapes (which you can use again and again), fresh apple skin or carrot peelings – these are great materials for scissor practice too.

What’s in the drawer?: My mum had a drawer in her kitchen which could be easily reached and opened by my two children when they were tots. She realised this, and so always had some wonderful kitchen-y things in there for them to haul out and investigate. If you have a drawer that your little one always delves into, why not make it a ‘magic’ drawer and occasionally change or add to its contents? It could have a range of things inside from wooden spoons, a colander, sieve, and tubs and bowls, to more surprising contents from time to time like:

a few tote bags, cardboard boxes or socks with interesting things inside to investigate

a book or two

a soft toy

stuff for a tea party – a toy tea set, tablecloth and a toy guest or two

a clean metal baking tray, which will be magnetic, plus any magnetic dinosaurs, letters, vehicles or whatever you have to hand

plastic cups, bowls, containers and wooden spoons

Colander and pipe cleaners: This has become a bit of a classic ‘as seen on’ the Pinterest boards of the world – and with good reason. Young children really love posting and weaving pipe cleaners in and out the holes of a colander.

Salt-trays: A little fine table salt goes a long way. Thinly cover a tray with salt, and let your little one make their mark – just as they like (though do keep an eye on them to make sure they don't eat it!). You can add paintbrushes and forks to let them create different marks. A little side-to side shake allows them to start over again. Set them up somewhere where they’re comfortable and can really see into the tray easily – a low table, or the floor (with a wipe-clean tablecloth or play-mat underneath).

Busy bags: What you’ll need to do beforehand: Take a couple of small tote bags or simple drawstring bags and fill them with different things from time to time. The surprise of a new bag appearing is usually a big hit. In the busy bags you could put:

Build-a-meal activity. What you’ll need to do beforehand: Cut various shapes out of felt to make some let’s pretend foodstuff – carrots, sausages, cheese, tomatoes, pizza base, ham, bread, broccoli and the like – for some wonderful open-ended dinner-designing. Just provide a plastic plate for the assembling of the meal.

Create a food feast poster. Our local Post Office always stocks loads of stickers, often with food and drink themes, but you can buy them very cheaply online; postage is never much because they’re so light. Invite your little one to create a poster of a feast on some colourful paper using some food and drink stickers. Once made, the poster can be displayed in the kitchen, say, and used for a game where everyone chooses what they would eat at the feast.

Wooden spoon art. Adding colour to a wooden spoon is very satisfying. Provide watercolours, crayons or felt-tips (for older kids) – whatever you think your little one might like best – and a new wooden spoon or two; you can buy them very cheaply at pound shops or online.

Paper plate art. A bag with a paper plate and some crayons, watercolours or pencils inside should inspire your little one to decorate the plate just as they like – there’s no right way of doing it. Dry markers work well on shiny plastic-coated paper plates and are great if you would like to use the same plate a few times. Test which colouring instrument works best on the surface of the paper plates you have first.

Foodie magazine collage. What you’ll need to do beforehand: Scan freebie supermarket magazines, veggie-box delivery catalogues or food supplements in the weekend press for pictures of food. Cut out and collect these over a few weeks before making up a busy bag with lots of these images, a glue stick and a thin piece of card or a paper plate. Let your little one rip, snip (if they’re confident with scissors), arrange and stick the pictures on the card just as they like.

Jigsaws and puzzles. If your child loves a puzzle, surprise them with a forgotten (or new) puzzle in a busy bag. What you’ll need to do beforehand: For a foodie theme, try making your own puzzle by finding a cool picture of a ‘showstopper’ cake or any other wow picture of food. Stick it onto some thin card, and then, on the back with a pencil, mark it up into however many pieces you’d like the puzzle to have – these can be regular or irregular in size and shape; it’s up to you. Cut along the lines and pop the pieces into a busy bag.

Books: Have a special kitchen book basket which occasionally appears to surprise and catch the attention of your little one. You can change the selection of books often to keep it fresh, but here are a few of our food-themed favourites: