Читать книгу It’s a Wonderful Life: The Christmas bestseller is back with an unforgettable holiday romance - Julia Williams - Страница 9

I’m lying in bed with Jo one Saturday morning in August when Mum rings up.

‘Hi,’ I say, suddenly feeling immensely guilty. She doesn’t know about me, or about Jo. As ever, when I speak to her on the phone if Jo’s about I feel like there’s a big red sign on my head saying ‘Your daughter’s a lesbian!’ which she can somehow see. Which is ridiculous. One day I’ll tell her. One day. When I’m sure she won’t flip out and I won’t be cast from the family home. She and Dad are so old-fashioned I have no idea how they would take it. So I’m not going to be telling them any time soon.

‘Who’s that?’ says Jo, tickling my feet.

‘Mum,’ I mouth, trying not to giggle. I get up out of bed, not wanting to be distracted, not wanting to feel that I have to behave myself. Oh God, I wish it wasn’t like this. I wish I could tell my parents and my family who I really am. I haven’t even told my sister Beth. I want to, and she keeps hinting that Jo and I should come round, but I’ve let her think ‘Joe’ is a boy, and now I don’t know how to get out of it.

Jo of course doesn’t understand this. Her parents are perfectly relaxed with her being gay, in a way I can’t imagine mine ever being. So much so that it took me till my late twenties to really admit to myself that I was into women not men. At school being a lesbian was pretty much a dirty word, and I thought I was odd for being attracted to girls. So I continued to have awkward sex and fumbled encounters with men I didn’t fancy, until one day I realised I couldn’t go on with it.

But I still haven’t told my family, and now I don’t know how to. It’s pathetic to have got to thirty-eight and not come out to my parents, and I know Jo doesn’t understand it, but I can’t see a way to get around it.

I tune into what Mum is saying. Oh. Christmas. Of course. We have to have the Christmas conversation in August in my family. It’s bloody nuts.

‘Yes of course I’m coming for Christmas, Mum. Where else would I go?’

‘And you haven’t got anyone you want to bring?’ She dangles the question. Christ – does she know? Has she guessed by some kind of telepathic Mum power?

‘No, no one,’ I say. ‘But don’t worry – I’ll be there.’

‘Jolly good,’ she says. ‘And how are things at work now? Any better?’

I sigh. ‘Not really. We’re all still in limbo, just waiting to hear.’

I work in credit control and the company I’ve just joined is in trouble. They’ve told us there might be redundancies but, surprise surprise, no decisions have been made yet. The waiting isn’t fun at all.

‘Well, you keep me posted,’ Mum says, and I promise I will.

I get off the phone and get back into bed with Jo, lovely Jo, with whom I’ve spent a blissful spring and summer. I put my arms around her, trying not to think about work. I’ll cross that bridge if I come to it. For now, Jo is all that matters. We’ve had such a good summer; we’ve even spent a fabulous week in Greece together. I still can’t believe someone like her would be interested in me, and have to keep pinching myself because I feel so lucky.

‘What did your mum want?’ she asks.

‘She just wanted to know about my Christmas plans,’ I say.

‘Christmas? Now?’

‘I know,’ I say. ‘Mad innit?’

‘So what are your Christmas plans?’ she asks. ‘We could do something together if you want.’

Woah. I wasn’t expecting that. I’m completely nuts about Jo, but I can’t seem to shake the feeling that she’s too good for me. Maybe it’s just because I’ve had so many disappointments in the past. I don’t want to jump in head first when it could still all go down the pan.

‘Maybe,’ I say. ‘I have great difficulties getting out of my family Christmas.’

‘Oh, go on Lou Lou, it will be fun.’ She seems a bit disappointed, which gives me a secret thrill. Much as I want to commit to it, I am too afraid to jinx what so far has been my most successful relationship yet. I prevaricate instead.

‘Christmas is ages away. Let’s not think about it now.’

So we don’t, and I put it to the back of my mind. If by any chance I’m lucky enough to still be with Jo at Christmas, I’ll worry about it then.