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‘So?’ said Troy, as Lauren came downstairs after she’d got dressed.

‘So what?’ said Lauren, as she put the kettle on, her embarrassment making her tetchy.

‘Have you thought any more about me seeing the girls?’

‘I’ve thought about nothing else since last night,’ said Lauren. ‘Look, you can meet them, but not yet. I need to sit down and talk to them about you. And we need to take it slowly. You can’t expect them to welcome you with open arms.’

‘Why? What have you said about me?’

‘Don’t flatter yourself,’ said Lauren. ‘I don’t talk about you that often. They know they’ve got a dad, but that you’re not around. Some of their friends are in the same situation and they know Sam hasn’t got a mummy, so they don’t ask a lot about you. But they’re likely to be shy, so don’t expect too much.’

‘So when can I see them?’

‘I’ll let you know,’ said Lauren, determined that if this was going to happen, it was going to be on her terms. ‘They’re going to be back soon, and I don’t want them to see you without any warning. So push off now, and I’ll give you a ring when you can come back.’

Troy got up slowly, as if reluctant to leave. He positively oozed charm and sexuality and Lauren had to fight very hard to counteract the strong feelings of desire that were stirring within her.

‘And us?’

‘What about us?’ said Lauren. ‘There is no us. You made that quite clear four years ago.’

‘So I can’t hope for anything?’ He moved closer towards her. She could smell his aftershave; a musky smell that reminded her of the tangled beds, and lusty afternoons, they’d spent together in the heady days in her second term at university when they’d first known each other. Don’t. Don’t think of that. She forced herself to concentrate on something else, but Troy wasn’t making it easy for her.

He brushed his lips across hers, and the touch of his hands on her shoulders was enough to make her want to give in and pull him straight towards her. But looking over his shoulder and seeing the picture Joel had taken of the twins on their first day at school, brought her to her senses. A sudden vision of herself in a hospital bed, unable to move after a caesarean with two screaming babies in cots beside her, swam before Lauren’s eyes. What was she thinking letting him worm his way in here again? She had to be stronger than that.

‘No,’ she said, pushing him away firmly. ‘You can’t. You had your chance and you blew it.’

‘We’ll see,’ said Troy, blowing her a kiss as she bundled him out of the door. ‘I can be very persuasive.’

Lauren shut the door behind him and leant back against it, her heart pounding.

Joel came to pick Sam up after work, and for once he was not late. He was exhausted though; it had been a long and harrowing day as people had started to get wind of the planned cuts to services. Everyone was on edge, not just about their jobs, but about the people they were going to have to let down. Joel had heard countless stories about vulnerable people being left without services they needed that day, and it was heartbreaking to have to tell people the cuts were going to have to come from somewhere. Sadly it didn’t look like they were coming out of the Chief Executive’s salary. As usual Joel had been in a hurry that morning, which had meant that there had been no time for either him or Lauren to mention the awkward scene from the previous day. He wasn’t sure who had been more embarrassed, Lauren or him, by their last encounter, so he decided the decent thing was to pretend it hadn’t happened.

‘Has Kezzie mentioned she wants to do up the Memorial Gardens?’ he said by way of conversation, as he watched Lauren change Sam’s nappy for the last time.

‘She did say something about it,’ said Lauren. ‘There, all lovely and clean, Sammy boy.’ She tickled his tummy and he giggled. Joel felt a spasm of envy. Lauren made it look so easy, but Joel still felt out of his depth when Sam was having a tantrum. He wished more than anything that Claire was here to tell him what to do.

‘We were talking about the playground as well,’ said Joel. ‘I hadn’t realized what a state it’s in. We think we should try and get that renovated too.’

‘Now that is a good idea,’ said Lauren. ‘The kids need a proper play area. I’ll have a chat with Eileen about it next time I see her.’

‘Great,’ said Joel. He looked closely at Lauren; she seemed a bit pale and withdrawn.

‘Everything all right?’ he asked.

‘Why wouldn’t it be?’ said Lauren, though she didn’t look great. There were dark circles round her eyes and she looked tired.

‘You look a bit worn out, if you don’t mind me saying,’ said Joel. ‘If it’s anything to do with what happened yesterday, I’ve forgotten it already.’

‘Oh, that,’ said Lauren, blushing puce. ‘No it’s not that. I just haven’t slept well for the last two nights.’

‘Are you sure you’re OK?’ said Joel. ‘I imagine yesterday was a bit of a shock for you what with Troy turning up out of the blue.’

‘Ah yes, the return of my wonderful ex, no I’m probably not OK, but I just have to work out how to deal with him.’ Lauren sighed.

‘I hope you sent him packing. He doesn’t deserve you,’ then, embarrassed, ‘Sorry, I’ve probably said too much.’

Lauren gave a sad smile.

‘No, you’re right,’ she sighed. ‘It’s not as easy as that though, is it? He wants to see the girls.’

‘Don’t let him,’ said Joel. ‘Why should he suddenly arrive and expect everything to be the way he wants it?’

‘I’ve spent the last two nights lying awake thinking the same thing,’ said Lauren. ‘But despite everything he is their dad, and they have a right to know him too.’

‘But he could let them down again,’ argued Joel, thinking privately that on past performance he was bound to.

‘He says he’s changed, and that he really wants to make it up to them. What if he has turned over a new leaf, and I send him away? I couldn’t do that to the girls. They deserve a chance to get to know their dad, however useless he may be,’ Lauren said.

‘Well, I think you’re being very generous to him,’ said Joel. ‘But make sure you call the shots. I really would hate to see you hurt.’

‘I’m a big girl, I can take care of myself,’ said Lauren, but her smile didn’t quite reach her eyes.

‘Well if you need anything …’ Joel said awkwardly, picking Sam up and heading for the door.

‘… I know where you are,’ said Lauren with a half smile.

But as he got in the car, he turned to see her, looking lost and forlorn standing on the step. He had the uneasy feeling that Troy’s arrival was going to change everything for the worse.

‘So I hope you’re not going to let Troy see the girls?’

It had taken Lauren nearly a week to pluck up the courage to tell her mum that Troy had made contact, and now she was on the warpath. Their phone conversation had already lasted half an hour and was going around in ever decreasing circles. ‘When I think about what that man put you through, I could commit murder, I really could.’

‘Mum,’ warned Lauren. ‘Whatever you think of him, he is still the girls’ father. I just want to do what’s best for them.’

‘Hmpph!’ snorted her mum. ‘Letting them see Troy useless Farrell isn’t what I regard as best for them.’

‘Well, it’s not up to you, is it?’ said Lauren. ‘In fact, I’m not sure it’s up to me. I think I should explain it to the girls and see what they want to do.’

Lauren had spent the last week mulling over what to do, and she had decided this was the fairest conclusion. Troy had been ringing her incessantly all week, to the point where she’d switched off her phone, and was ignoring him. Her plan was to tell the girls at the weekend, and if they wanted to see him, invite him over.

‘So long as you don’t let him worm his way back in,’ said Mum. ‘That man is about as trustworthy as a snake. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.’

‘I won’t,’ said Lauren. ‘But I will let him see the girls if they want to see him. For their sakes, not his.’

She put the phone down and started to get Sam ready to go and pick the girls up from school. Maybe she should tell them now, and get it over and done with. They had to know sometime.

So on the way back from school, she suggested they go to Keef’s Café on the High Street for lunch, something she could rarely afford, but she thought the girls deserved a treat if they were going to find out about their dad. Smiling at Keith, who leant over and tickled the girls under their chins, she ordered the drinks and then went to find somewhere to sit.

‘I’ve got something special to tell you, girls,’ Lauren said, once she’d got Sam in his high chair and the twins had divested themselves of hats, coats, gloves and scarves. They perched on the high bar stools by the window, so they could see who was walking up and down the High Street, while they ate their lunch. Her lovely twins, so gorgeous, so vulnerable. Lauren hoped she was doing the right thing telling them about their dad.

‘What is it?’ asked Immie excitedly.

‘Is it good special?’ said Izzie, looking a bit anxious.

‘Of course it’s good, special,’ said Lauren smiling bravely.

‘Tell us, tell us!’ the twins were wriggling with anticipation.

‘Well,’ began Lauren, ‘you know a long time ago your daddy had to go away.’

‘We don’t have a daddy,’ said Immie.

‘Yes you do,’ said Lauren.

‘No we don’t,’ said Izzie, banging her glass down on the table. ‘He doesn’t ever see us. He never gives us presents. We don’t have a real daddy.’

Lauren swallowed hard, this was going to be more difficult than she thought.

‘You do have a daddy,’ she said. ‘I know he hasn’t seen you very much, but you do have a daddy who has always thought about you. And now he’s come back, and he really, really, wants to meet you.’

The twins looked at each other and then suspiciously at Lauren.

‘Will he bring us presents?’ said Izzie.

‘What if we don’t like him?’ said Immie.

‘I’m not sure if he’ll bring you presents,’ said Lauren, ‘but I’m sure you’ll like him. He’s your daddy and he loves you very very much.’

She crossed her fingers behind her back as she said this, hoping against hope she’d told her beautiful daughters the truth.

‘Hi, Mum,’ said Joel, as he went to pick her up from her small flat in Chiverton, where as usual, she was waiting outside for him. It was a blessing that she’d been able to find it when she had, given the rapidity with which her Parkinson’s had deteriorated. When Uncle Jack had died, he had left Lovelace Cottage to her in his will, ‘On account of the kindness you showed my mother in her latter years,’ he’d written. ‘Oh, stuff and nonsense,’ Joel’s mum had said to him when he’d asked her about it. ‘Aunt Connie had a sad and troubled life, no wonder she was so prickly. I just visited her a bit when she was old, that was all.’

But when it came to moving in, his mum had invited Joel and Claire round for lunch, and then said, ‘I have a proposition. This house is too much for me. I really couldn’t manage it. I’d much rather you two had it and turned it into a proper family home.’

So it was decided that, despite Claire’s initial reluctance, Joel and Claire would sell up their small flat in London and buy Lovelace Cottage off Joel’s mum, who moved into a warden-assisted flat in Chiverton. It was near enough to the town that she could walk there to get what she needed, and small enough for her to manage easily. Joel was grateful that they had managed to find such a good solution for the ever growing concern about his mother’s situation, and was only sorry that it wasn’t in Heartsease, but Mum had insisted that she needed her independence, and they needed their space. He would have loved to be able to be nearer her so he could help her as much as she helped him. Since Claire died Mum had been a tower of strength, always available to listen when he wanted to talk, and just be there when he didn’t.

‘Lovely to see you both,’ said his mum, kissing Joel on the cheek and giving Sam a cuddle. ‘What do you want to do today?’

‘I thought I’d take you for a drive and a country pub lunch,’ said Joel. ‘If that’s OK?’

‘Sounds perfect,’ said his mum. ‘The weather’s been so wretched this week, I’ve hardly been out at all. I could do with a breath of fresh air.’

Joel drove them out of Chiverton, and up a winding country lane to the top of Chiverton Hill. The pub sat at the top of the hill, and the views were extraordinary, particularly as the trees had lost their leaves, which opened up vistas hidden in summer. The sun was shining for the first time in a week, and the hillside showed a stunning array of greens, blues and greys.

Joel parked the car in the car park, popped Sam in his pushchair, helped his mum and her stick out of the car, and they walked to the viewpoint to look out across the county. In the very, very far distance they could make out a strip of grey blue.

‘Do you know, I think that’s the sea?’ said Joel. ‘They say on a clear day you can see it.’

‘What’s that spire?’ his mum said, pointing out a church in the near distance.

‘Not sure,’ said Joel, consulting the viewpoint. ‘Oh, it’s probably the Church of St Barnaby at Burnham Heath.’

He stared at the different locations indicated on the viewpoint.

‘Oh look, it’s even got Heartsease on it. Five miles to the Heartsease Memorial Gardens. I’m not sure why they’d mention that, they’re not much cop now.’

‘Presumably they were more of a feature once,’ said his mum. ‘Are they in a very bad way? I seem to remember, when I was a child, they were beautiful.’

‘It’s a shame,’ said Joel, as they walked back towards the pub. ‘You can see they used to be magnificent, but they’ve gone to rack and ruin now. Kezzie, the girl who’s restoring the garden for me, wants to have a go at sorting them out too. They even want me on the village committee.’

‘It might do you good,’ said his mum. ‘Give you something to focus on.’

‘That’s what Kezzie said,’ said Joel. ‘It turns out next year is the 140th anniversary of Edward Handford’s birth, and the Parish Council want to celebrate, and they seem keen to have a member of his family involved.’

‘And do you want to?’

‘I didn’t,’ admitted Joel. ‘I thought at first it wasn’t quite my thing, but since Kezzie and I found all the stuff in the attic – I did tell you about that didn’t I?’

‘You did,’ said his mum with a smile, ‘several times.’

‘Oh,’ said Joel, a little crestfallen, ‘sorry, I’ve probably been a bit overexcited about it.’

‘It’s lovely to see you so enthusiastic about something,’ said Mum. ‘Really, I’m pleased. And I’d love to see what you find out.’

‘So far, we’ve read some of the diaries and letters, and it looks as though before Connie was born, Edward and Lily lost a couple of babies. Which was very sad. And from what we can tell, Lily seems to have died fairly young. Do you know what she died of?’

‘I’m not sure,’ said Mum. ‘My mother said her parents never spoke of it. I asked Connie once, and she went very quiet and said something about some things being better left alone. I’m amazed that you found all that paperwork. I wonder why she kept it.’

‘I really feel for Edward,’ said Joel. ‘It sounds daft, but he was left all alone in that big, old house, just like I’ve been. I really want to bring both the house and garden back to life.’

‘Well then,’ said his mum, ‘I think you should, don’t you?’

Kezzie was on a train to London. She was still debating the wisdom of this, but she’d felt so lonely on Friday night, she found herself looking up all her friends on Facebook. She’d deliberately kept off it since she’d been in Heartsease, but once she had logged on, there were so many messages from people she felt quite teary.

Kez, where are you???? Flick had posted on her wall over a month ago, and then again, KEZ what’s up? No one’s seen you. Please don’t be dead.

Kezzie hadn’t been able to resist, responding:

Hi Flick. No. Not dead. Having some time out.

Where are you? came the instant response.

Do you live on FB? typed Kezzie. Why don’t you go out and get a real life?

Cos my virtual one’s such fun, retorted Flick. But seriously. Where are you? How are you? Am worried, honx

I’m fine, typed Kezzie. But I do miss you.

Well, what are you waiting for? wrote Flick. Come and see us. What are you doing tomorrow night? There’s a band on at the Liberty and a crowd of us going. Why don’t you come? You could crash with us.

I’ll think about it, wrote Kezzie, but she knew she didn’t have to think about it at all. She was enjoying her new life in Heartsease, but she missed her old life in London. And it wasn’t just Richard she was missing; she was missing her friends too.

So Saturday morning found her on a train up to London. Her decision was so spontaneous, she hadn’t got round to telling anyone where she was going. Although, who would she tell, apart from Lauren or Joel? She didn’t know anyone else.

It seemed weird coming up to London after all these weeks away. She watched the countryside gradually flee away as the train sped through Sussex villages, and gradually raced towards more built up urban centres. After weeks of seeing hills, and trees, and sheep, it was a sudden shock to be rattling through council estates, back gardens, and fox cubs playing by the railway side. London seemed dirtier than she remembered, as the train crept slowly into Waterloo and the station itself seemed frantic and busy. Did people always rush this much in London? Had she, when she lived here? It was nice, she realized, taking things a little more slowly.

It took an hour and a half to get over to Flick and Gavin’s flat in Walthamstow. The flat itself was lovely and cosy. But the road it was on was grim, with a towering estate looming ominously on the other side of the road. Kezzie grinned. She had fond memories of that estate. She, Flick and Gavin had started out planting a few bedding plants there, and although at first the local kids had pulled them up, in the end some of them had got interested in what Kezzie and her friends were doing. With some help and enthusiasm from their local community centre, the kids had ended up creating their own little garden. Kezzie still felt proud of that.

‘Kez! You’re here.’ Flick threw her arms round Kezzie, and gave her an enormous hug. ‘Tell me, where have you been? What’s been going on?’

‘It was just London, Richard, everything,’ said Kezzie. ‘I needed to get away.’

‘But you could have told me where you were going,’ scolded Flick.

‘I know, I’m sorry,’ said Kezzie. ‘Things all felt a bit mad here, and then my Aunt Jo offered me a place to stay in the country, and it seemed like the right thing to do.’

‘You’re living in the country?’ Flick roared with laughter. ‘What a hoot. Did you hear that, Gav?’

‘I think most of London heard it,’ said Gavin, who was also known as Space Cadet on account of him being not very with it a lot of the time. He was sitting at their rackety kitchen table, rolling a joint. ‘Hey, Kez, great to see you. There’s a whole crowd of us going out tonight. Should be a blast.’

And it was. After a bite to eat, the three of them strolled down the road to the local pub, the Three Compasses, where Kezzie had spent many a happy evening. She soon slipped back into things. Flick and Gavin had gathered a crowd together, some of whom she knew, Tom who’d come on lots of night-time expeditions with them, and Karen and Dan who lived down the road, as well as several she didn’t. It was fun, and Kezzie was enjoying herself so much by the time they got to the gig, she allowed herself to be persuaded to have a puff of Gavin’s spliff.

‘I shouldn’t really,’ she said. ‘I decided to give it up.’

‘Oh, come on, don’t be a party pooper,’ said Flick, who was well away by now, ‘what harm can one little puff do?’

‘A lot,’ said Kezzie, with feeling.

‘What do you mean?’ asked Flick. Overwhelmed suddenly at being with people she loved, who loved her, and who knew Richard, Kezzie couldn’t contain herself any longer. She’d spent so long hugging her secret to herself, the words came spilling out of her.

‘The thing is, oh God, Flick, I’ve been such an idiot,’ she said. ‘I knew Rich hated me smoking dope. One of the few things we used to argue about was that he thought I could be feckless sometimes, incapable of taking responsibility. I wanted to prove him wrong, but instead I stuffed up big time.’

‘Woah,’ said Flick, raising her hand. ‘Slow down. What on earth did you do?’

Kezzie put her head in her hands, and then sat up and looked straight ahead.

‘You know we were going to move in together?’ she said.

‘Yes, so?’ said Flick.

‘Well, I offered to have Emily at my place for the afternoon, when Richard was going to be late at work. I knew he was worried about how we got on and that Emily was a bit wary of me, and I thought we could get to know each other a bit better. Stupidly, I thought we might bond a bit better away from Richard’s flat.’

‘And?’

‘It was a disaster,’ said Kezzie. ‘Emily was bitchy to me from the minute she arrived. I tried to engage her in polite conversation, I tried to find out what she was interested in, and she was so bloody rude. In the end, I just left her watching TV and went into my room to work on some designs I was doing for one of Richard’s clients, and we ignored each other till Richard came home. Which was when all hell broke loose.’

‘Why?’

‘He found Emily lying on the floor giggling hysterically, drunk and high as a kite, and blamed me for plying her with dope. I tried to tell him I hadn’t – I didn’t even have any dope in the house but he was so angry he wouldn’t listen and the little cow told him I had given her some of my magic muffins.’

‘Oh my God – were those the ones we made together?’ Flick suddenly twigged what had happened.

‘The very same. I’d planned to share them with you and Gav next time we were out gardening. Emily must have helped herself. Plus, she’d found some of my vodka and drunk that. I told Richard I hadn’t given it to her but he wouldn’t believe me. We had a row, and that was it, he wouldn’t see me again.’

‘Oh, Kez,’ said Flick, giving her friend a hug. ‘The silly sod. He must have known you’d never do a thing like that.’

‘I don’t think he’s that rational as far as Emily’s concerned,’ said Kezzie. ‘Emily told her mum, who blamed Richard, and stopped Emily seeing him for a bit, which made things worse for me and him of course. I accused Emily of doing it on purpose to split us up, and that was it. Richard stopped taking my calls, and refused to have anything to do with me. And it’s my own stupid fault. I should never have had those muffins in the house where a teenager could get their hands on them. And it proved to Richard once and for all how irresponsible I was.’

‘And do you think he’s right?’ said Flick with sympathy.

‘Yes. No. I don’t know,’ said Kezzie. ‘It’s all been so muddled up in my head. I think the main thing is we both realized how different we are, how different our lifestyles are. I don’t think we can be together any more.’

‘Well, then,’ said Flick. ‘If that’s the case, one spliff can’t hurt can it?’

‘I’m not sure,’ said Kezzie, but she was weakening.

‘After all, you don’t have to please Richard any more,’ continued Flick.

‘Oh, go on, then,’ said Kezzie.

Hours later, after a really brilliant evening, where she’d danced wildly, sung herself hoarse, and drunk far too much, Kezzie found herself rollickingly staggering back down the road with Flick and Gavin, and ordering a curry.

‘I do love you two guys, you know,’ she said. ‘I’ve missed you.’

‘I’ve missed you, too,’ said Flick. ‘Don’t go away. Stay here.’

‘Got to,’ said Kezzie. ‘Got a commission to restore a garden.’

‘Sounds good,’ said Flick.

‘It is.’ Kezzie told them all about Edward Handford and Lovelace Cottage, and she realized that it was good, and she was beginning to really like it in Heartsease. ‘You could come and help me. We’re trying to restore a community garden, too, do you remember that project we worked on over in Hackney? Only a bit posher.’

‘You’re on,’ said Flick. ‘Tell us where and when. Oh, and if you’re not coming back, take something from Spike home with you to keep you cheerful over the winter.’

Spike was the name Flick had given to the original cannabis plant she’d grown. Over the years Spike had produced much fruit as it were, and Kezzie grinned as she accepted the small plastic bag Flick offered her.

‘Thanks guys,’ she said. ‘You’re the best,’ and sat back in her chair and relaxed. With the winter coming on she’d been feeling very lost and lonely, despite her burgeoning friendship with Lauren. Coming back to see her friends had reminded her of who and what she was. Suddenly she didn’t feel quite so lonely any more.