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Section I

Getting Started: Principles for Dividing Your Parents’ Estate

KNOWLEDGE IS POWER AND PEACE OF MIND

Being prepared and fully understanding what you are about to get into is a significant step towards assuring the process of dividing your parents’ estate is one that brings your family closer together versus tearing it apart. The fact that you have purchased this guide, or that it was given to you, will give you the knowledge you need, so you can do the best possible job under these extenuating circumstances.

Following are some fundamental principles which are crucial to understand before you begin. These will ensure that the process is manageable and fair for everyone.

The Decedent has the First Right to Speak.

Is there a valid will or trust? Are there specific bequests included with those documents? What’s written in the will and other final documents guides this entire process. Often heirs squabble because nothing was written or documented; it becomes a matter of "Mom said I could have that" or "Dad always wanted me to have this." If mom or dad said that and no one else had knowledge they said it, it becomes a tug of war which ultimately leads to a tug of hearts.

Unfortunately, a verbal bequest is hearsay and does not have the validity of a written document; sometimes even a written document's validity is questioned. Many of my clients intentionally gift heirlooms and other possessions while they are still alive, which will relieve much of the pressure to divide after the loved one passes away.

If no will or trust was created or found, this process will certainly be more challenging but attainable, especially if the heirs are willing to work together through the process. Always consider the assistance of an estate planning attorney who specializes in this area of the law. If your loved one was working with an attorney or other professionals, it would be wise to contact them to see if they knew anything about the document’s location, or if they even had a will.

Get the Facts & Documentation.

Protect All Assets.

It is not only important to have any critical documents in hand, but also to know where all assets are (including usernames, passwords, codes and keys) and what they are. This guide will help you know where to potentially find assets that may be hidden in unexpected places.

Important Principles to Guide You:

•Never sell, give away, donate, or discard anything until a professional has looked at it first. We see things of exorbitant value being thrown out and given away to friends and neighbors. Heirs either assume the items have no value, or they become hasty in trying to empty the house rapidly.

•Equitable Distribution. Among equals (siblings/heirs), what you do for one, you should do for all. Have all siblings send to the executor a wish list of what they would like to have. Once an appraiser has evaluated and written a report, the executor can put together a spreadsheet (sample wish list in the back of this book) and compare lists to make sure they are equitable in distribution. This ensures that no one person gets the lion's share.

•Be Honest. Be honest about any correspondence or conversations you have had with your parents regarding the disposition of certain items. Be honest about any items in your parents’ home that may already belong to you or one of your siblings. Be honest about what is being taken from the home after the funeral. Be honest if you find mom's long lost diamond ring everyone has wondered about for years.

•Be Fair. It is not recommended that the heirs start helping themselves immediately. On the contrary, it is the responsibility of the executor to prevent that from happening until after the personal property is looked at and evaluated by a professional to ensure equitable distribution. Often the fighting begins when heirs take matters into their own hands. This is preventable when important rules are set in place and everybody plays fair.

•Don’t Take It Personally. As difficult as this may be due to the emotional highs and lows which are normal and expected, make a promise not to take whatever transpires during the process personally. This will be crucial for your ability to move through the process effectively.

It is virtually guaranteed that at least one sibling or family member will show their true colors and make life pretty unbearable. They may even say things that are exceptionally hurtful and seem unforgivable. Try your best to remember that this treatment really has little to do with you and mostly stems from what is going on inside of them -- unresolved issues, grief, pain from the past, etc. You just happen to be the target of these very powerful emotions. The next point is the reason why this is so important.

•Understand the Pain Being Felt. Pain is part of the process when grieving and coping with the loss of your parent(s) or another loved one. It will be a time of personal growth — making peace with anything left unsaid or unfinished, and cherishing old memories. Validate and listen to what siblings are feeling, and be honest with how you are feeling too.

•Work Cooperatively. Create an environment where you simply agree with your siblings upfront that you will do what mom and dad wanted. You will find it necessary to bite your tongue and turn the other cheek more than you would like to, but it is necessary. It is also important to share your thoughts and commit to work together as a team.

Imagine if you and your siblings/heirs were a team of horses all hitched up together with a common destination: concluding the estate settlement process amicably. Now, imagine you all started running in different directions because you all have different ideas. The result would be disastrous and there would certainly be injuries involved.

But if all of you can find a way to run in the same direction, on the same page and at the same time, you will find that the arrival to your destination will be much easier to attain.

•Do the “Speed Limit.” Don’t drag your feet unnecessarily in this process. On the other hand, you may have to wait with parts of this process, due to probate, identifying and settling debts, etc. Please check with an estate planning attorney, when in doubt.

•Approach the Division of Property with Reason and Restraint. When dividing your parents’ property, whether you are the executor or not, you must realize that some people will always be unreasonable and a challenge to you personally, as well as to the process. No matter how much logic you employ, you will still see behavior that will amaze you. Do your best to arm yourself with logical rationale and techniques.

•Document Everything. This includes who gets what, both prior to and after a loved one's death. Document every gift and heirloom during the division of personal property.

•Do your best to work through the division of property in a timely manner. Some children will hastily jump into the estate within hours of mom's passing. Others will take years to sort through every old coupon or matchbook. Somewhere between these two extremes is a balance that is appropriate. Be aware that financial needs may drive a family to divide property quicker than they desire; work together to meet those needs.

•Do recognize that you are all in the same boat. Going in different directions is not an option. Cooperation is needed 100% of the time.

Do make careful decisions about storage. Placing estate items in storage is not always a good idea. While storage can be a good temporary solution, eventually a decision needs to be made as to the disposition of these items. We have a tendency to forget about what's in storage; you know the saying, "Out of sight, out of mind."

While these items are sitting in storage, either forgotten or due to delayed decisions, the monthly bills keep rolling in. That can add up to a substantial amount of expense. At some point, most people realize that the items they are keeping in storage are of less value than what it is costing them to rent the space.

Often people will keep items, which they feel have value or will increase in value, in storage for long periods of time. Generally, furniture doesn't do well in an environment that is not the same as your home. Items can be stacked or stored incorrectly. By the time we retrieve some of the items in storage, they have lost some value due to damage (heat, cold, humidity, mildew, mold, veneer coming off, plus numerous other issues).