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Section II

To Heir is Human; To Know Your Role is Priceless

YOU’RE ENTITLED TO NOTHING … UNLESS IT IS GIVEN TO YOU

As an heir, you do have responsibilities and you need to give the executor the space he/she needs to do their job well. You also need to understand your rights, which I have found time and time again to be assumed and not fully understood. Here are some guidelines to help you understand what is expected of you and others as heirs.

Your Rights and Responsibilities as an Heir

Your Rights

Heirs have a tendency to take matters into their own hands when a loved one has just died or when an estate is being divided. This is a no-no. Hopefully if there is a will, it will help you understand what will take place so you can operate from a basis of knowledge and facts.

The executor will also guide you through the process of what will take place and when. You are not at an "all you can take" buffet. Go through the process correctly, with the guidance of an attorney or executor who will set the stage. Here's your checklist:

•You are entitled to nothing unless it is given to you or has been specifically gifted to you in person or in writing.

•You are not entitled to a commission or other fee for your work on the estate unless you are the Executor of the estate, or you have an agreement with the Executor to provide services for compensation.

•You are not entitled to see the last will and testament even if you are an immediate family member (i.e. spouse, children, siblings) or are mentioned in the will. Once a will is filed with the court, it is a matter of public record and may be examined by any interested person, whether a beneficiary or not. Forcing any person to show you the will before court filing will likely require the services of any attorney.

Your Responsibilities

•You should work with the executor to help assure that the process of collecting assets, satisfying debt claims, and distributing the remainder of the estate to beneficiaries goes as smoothly as possible.

•You should realize that the probate process has to run its due course. Whether the estate is large or small, the beneficiary should not expect to receive a final distribution of assets for 6 to 12 months, or longer.

•It's not about you! It's all about honoring your parents’ wishes and going through this process in a respectful manner.

You may be reading this book because you have been charged with coordinating with the Executor or you may even be the Executor managing the division process. You may also be reading this to understand how to help or be of assistance as one of the rightful heirs or as a family friend. The role you play when dividing the estate’s personal property can be of great value if handled in a manner that adheres to the principles discussed in Section I.

If There is No Will

Many older people assume that their children will work things out between themselves, and even if there are disagreements along the way, everything will eventually be fine. Unfortunately, when a person dies without a will (intestate), the state has the legal responsibility to handle the affairs of the deceased. The estate is immediately placed in probate court.

When there is no valid will, the probate court appoints an administrator to handle the decedent’s affairs, and his or her property is distributed according to a formula fixed by that state’s laws. There is no wiggle room in these laws, regardless of what proof you may have that Mom or Dad intended to leave the house to you. You will also have no control over the timeline; the court will.

After the taxes, funeral expenses, and administrative costs are paid, the remaining property is divided among the surviving family members, but not necessarily as the parent wanted. The laws in each state are very specific as to how the property is distributed when there is no will, including which relatives have priority.

For details of your particular state’s intestate estate distribution laws, see the following website. http://www.mystatewill.com/

Every Heir Should DO the Following:

Here are some do’s to consider as you step into the role of being an heir in order to keep peace, build collaboration, and expedite the division of the estate.

•Do honor your loved one. This is all about honoring your loved one who has died. Therefore, I recommend that a large photo of the loved one who has passed away is prominently displayed, so they are remembered and honored.

•Do have an open forum and gathering of all heirs together in one room to say what is on each person’s mind, to set expectations based on the wishes of the deceased loved one, and also to confirm what everyone’s role is within the family (what to expect from your siblings and other heirs). Having that talk at the beginning will alleviate many assumptions later on.

•Do recognize and acknowledge the emotions that go with the loss of the loved one and the attachment to the “stuff” left behind (sentimental vs. monetary, and everything in between).

•Do give siblings a chance to speak once about their family hurts and emotional challenges. After issues have been raised and aired, let go of the hurt and challenge and move forward. There’s no need to keep repeating them.

•Do encourage everyone to be a part of the healing in the way that is best for them. This is not about taking sides. This is about being objective and helping family members work through their hurt, if a particular possession is not being given to them, or whatever the hurt might be during the process.

•Do understand and confirm the values of the different types of personal property before being divided among the heirs. It is imperative that you bring in an objective third party - a personal property appraiser - to assign values to the estate contents.

•Do realize that prices you find on the internet are not always accurate. Those are asking prices, and anyone can ask any price they wish. If you are going online to research what an item is worth, you must find what the item is actually selling for.

•Do leave the gossip and innuendos at the door. Don’t waste energy and time talking about this one’s bad behavior or that someone is more deserving or undeserving. This only fuels animosity, future discontent, and other relational problems.

•Do bring a positive attitude into the process. This can make or break the situation. Be committed that everyone will be positive, supportive, and considerate to one another.

•Do be solutions-based in how you approach every challenge. For each problem, there is a solution. Do your best to get into and stay in a solutions-based mindset.

•Do make a pact that no greed is allowed. Show greed to the door.

•Do consult a professional counselor, minister, rabbi, or other advisor (if needed) when in doubt, and feeling uncertain about how to handle a particular situation that arises.

•Do create wish lists of items you would like to have, with the understanding that there are no guarantees what you will ultimately receive, unless it was bequeathed to you.

•Do be prepared that tensions will be high and the environment will be uncomfortable due to the mixture of personalities and hidden agendas. True colors and fangs will be revealed during this process, so don’t be surprised when this occurs.

Dividing possessions can be among the most contentious experiences in our adult lives. There is no way to completely eliminate family squabbles, but you can learn to minimize them. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Keep emotions from smoldering into flames that will never be totally extinguished, once unkind things are said and hurtful actions are done.

Every Heir Should NOT DO the Following:

Here are some don’ts to consider as you step into the role of being an heir in order to keep peace, build collaboration, and expedite the division of the estate.

•Don't take anything or give anything away until you call in a professional and all has been valuated.

•Don't include in-laws in the division process. Immediate siblings come first and in-laws should respectively stay out of it.

•Don't take things just to take them.

•Don't take items in anticipation of what your children will want.

•Don't be a victim and be suckered into giving things to acquaintances. Give what you and your siblings agree on.

•Don't help yourself to anything in the estate without the executor's approval.

•Don't use your key to go in the house and take what you feel entitled to.

•Don't start taking things while your parents are still alive without your siblings’ or other family members' knowledge. Even if mom or dad gives it to you, always be forthright and inform the others.

•Don't do or say anything that might hurt another heir intentionally.

•Don't be part of the problem.

•Don't be impatient. This is a very tedious process fraught with emotional expectations. Everyone needs to do their best to work together.

•Don't expect to get everything you would like to have.

•Don't believe that just because it's old, it's valuable. Get the facts from a professional.

•Don't badger the executor. Certainly it may appear as if the executor is procrastinating and in some cases, they might be. Understand that this process is time consuming. The executor must wait for certain timetables and events to take place. Sometimes they have to wait for answers from other professionals and are at the mercy of someone else’s schedule. Also, each individual state has its own timetable of what has to take place and when.

•Don't be a martyr. If you want something, ask politely. No regrets or bringing it up later.

•Don't rush your decisions on what you would like to have from the estate.

•Don't break up sets if you can help it, for example, china, crystal, silver flatware, etc.

•Don't confuse sentimental value with monetary value.

Ethics and Etiquette

Following these simple rules of etiquette and ethics will help you and your family to keep the peace, love, compassion, and trust flowing throughout the process:

•The Executor should set the expectations and share the overall process with the heirs present during an initial meeting. If they cannot all be physically present due to distance, arrange a conference call. At the very least, all heirs should be emailed or sent letters detailing the process, and all documents should go out at the same time to each heir.

•Agree that everyone will do everything they can to keep the peace while being fair and honest.

•Always seek to take the “high road” in any given situation, which will make it a win-win for everyone.

•Agree that all potential treasures or unique finds discovered during the cleaning and dividing process will be fully disclosed to all heirs for determination of distribution and proper valuation appraisal.

•Understand any laws that dictate how personal property is to be handled within your state, especially if there is no will or no specific bequests associated with the will. Sometimes probate can take quite a while and in some cases, personal property division can be held up until that is sorted out.

•Be willing to forfeit an item you really wanted in order to keep the peace. (But keep it equitable -- no one should get the lion's share)

•It is best when this only involve siblings -- no in-laws, no grandchildren -- no matter how well-meaning they are. Keep it simple. The more people that are involved, the more complex become the issues.