Читать книгу An Exquisite Stranger's Tales - Justin Mainhart - Страница 3

If I had known where my path was going to lead, I’m not sure I would’ve continued on. But I knew what I had found. All the answers were lying in wait. I had discovered the keys to the kingdom, sitting idly by the sides of the path of excess that led to the palace of wisdom. With regardless abandonment, I threw open all doors of perception, seeking only to find the treasures that were there to be had. My constitution demanded of me to finally grasp what I’d always been looking for…elusive euphoria.

A Peek At Me

As I write this, I must be honest with you my dear reader, I’m not entirely sure of how much I can tell you about myself. In all honesty, I’m still getting to know who I am myself. Yet also know, there are just somethings in a man’s life that he must always keep for himself, that he tells no one and he carries those things with him to his very end. In every post, in every little quip, in all the full pieces of poetry and prose I write, is a small glint into who I am, what I stand for and what I believe. My trip up to this point has been nothing short of miraculous. In 33 years of life, there are not many roads I haven’t been down and along all those roads, I left no stone unturned. I have been to the top of the mountain; I had what is considered to be the American Dream, and I lost it all. I’ve felt the greatest pleasures of life and love and have also felt the harshest pangs of divorce and the disintegration’s of a family.

During this time, while watching my “dream” fall to pieces, I took comfort in the keys I had found to ease my pain and quiet my mind. My use of sardonic sedatives became a daily affair. It’s an affair that had gone on for the better part of my life. At the age of 15, my discovery of writing along with the authors that began speaking to me, Morrison, Faulkner, Poe, Blake, Emerson, Thoreau, Ginsberg, Huxley, Hemingway and of course Hunter S. Thompson began shaping who I thought I was supposed to be. These were the men, these great and gifted writers and poets, who I so sought to be like. Unfortunately, in my mind, I assumed I had to be like them in every way, in every extreme and every fault. I had no idea it would end so tragically. That by adapting every facet of my life after these men, it would lead me down some of the darkest and loneliest roads a man can face. That one day, I would realize a depravity unlike any I could have ever imagined. Life as an addict is unparalleled…unless you’ve been there, there are no words to describe the shame and defeat one feels. The wind can never blow as cold again and the night can never seem as long. It’s not a path I suggest anyone to follow, for at the end, there is only the edge that you will inevitably go over leading you to an early grave. Some how, I caught myself, and pulled myself back up. Now I just perch myself on that same edge, teetering back and forth, keeping watch on both sides.

“The edge…there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over.” HST

That particular road is one of two that has reshaped me, remade me. The other was where I was reborn, both literally and figuratively. In May, in the year of our Lord 2010, I was in a drowning accident. For reasons unknown, for I was not using any narcotics at the time, I suffered a blackout, fell into the water where I proceeded to drown and was pronounced dead at the scene. It’s what I saw while I was deceased that was the catalyst of that day. I have theories on where I went and why I saw what I saw; it was not pleasant in the slightest. Dante and Blake come close in describing the experience. But again, it is another experience that there are no words to completely describe it. All my senses were assaulted simultaneously to degree that I never thought possible. When a man tastes his own end, his own death, he cannot help but change. He has peeked behind the veil and returns with knowledge unbeknownst to other men. He now knows the value of everything.

This is about as far as I can comfortably allow for a peek inside myself on a personal level. Not many ever gain entry inside, one of my many, many faults I suppose. Anymore will have to be gathered on the pages that follow. Also remember one thing while you read, these words, these words that come to me, they possess a multitude of meanings. Simply because I wrote them, and they hold a meaning for me, doesn’t mean they will hold the same for you. Therein lies the beauty of it all. Take whatever you may from what I write. That’s the greatest thing about what I do…there are no rules here. Words are just that, words. We give them their meanings, we give them their power, we give them license to make us feel whatever we want them to.

As always, I hope all is well and wonderful in your worlds. I bid you all peace and happiness.

JCM