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Chapter Four

Where Two or Three are Gathered

“Order your soul; reduce your wants; live in charity; associate in Christian community; obey the laws; trust in Providence.”

— Saint Augustine

Our need for other people is a central mystery that we can deeply relate to on a natural level. Four centuries before Christ, Aristotle recognized our need for others when he wrote, “Man is a political animal.” Loneliness — that lack of real and deep relationships — can break our hearts and sap our strength. Conversely, when we have a friend, a confidante, to rely on and share with, our joys can be magnified, our sorrows lessened, our failings nipped in the bud, and our successes repeated.

Throughout Scripture, too, we read of the power and importance of friends, of community, of fellow believers:

• “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him” (Gn 2:18).

• “And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him. A threefold cord is not quickly broken” (Eccl 4:12).

• “A friend loves at all times, / and a brother is born for adversity” (Prv 17:17).

• “Iron sharpens iron, / and one man sharpens another” (Prv 27:17).

• “For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I in the midst of them” (Mt 18:20).

As humans, we are created in the image of God, and as Saint John reveals in 1 John 4:8: “God is love.” God is, in his very nature, love; the Trinity is an eternal communion of persons. This, according to the Catechism, is “the central mystery of Christian faith and life” (234).

In our spiritual lives, we may (or may not!) recognize the importance of church, of praying with others, of seeking spiritual directors, or of having accountability partners to help us live a life of virtue and avoid sin. Each of these bring us deeper into the two great commandments: love of God and love of neighbor. What better way to love God than in and through our neighbor? And truly, if you are set on avoiding sin and growing in virtue, having a like-minded friend with whom you can share mutual accountability can transform the strength of your resolve.

When it comes to exercise and fitness, we similarly set ourselves up for success when we share a human connection in the practice of it. Camaraderie and friendly competition can transform fitness from something on a must-do list into something we look forward to each day.

I have a handful of friends I really look forward to working out with, and they pull me out of slumps when I’m (as I mentioned in the previous chapter) busy or sick or tired, and they do that in different ways. When I’m slacking on the discipline of duration, my friend Jeff is always up for a distance run or a long workout. When I’m not eating right, my brothers Josiah and Eli remind me to keep track of my nutrition and change up my habits. When I want to try something different, my friend Joe always has a new plan he’s just read about that we can do together. When I know I really need to ramp up my workouts and have my butt kicked, my buddy Hunter is ready (and willing) to do the kicking.

And when either my wife or I feel too busy, we have an “I’ll go if you’ll go” protocol, so we don’t miss out on time together but still take care of ourselves (and each other). The truth is, there are a ton of different ways that training partners can help each other, in both physical and spiritual fitness. There are also some practical needs and benefits.

Accountability: Sometimes you really just need someone to be accountable to, someone who will be there and that you will be letting down if you don’t show up (or if you don’t give it your all when you do show up).

This is true when it comes to practicing any kind of virtue, be it purity or push-ups (apologies for the cheesy alliteration). Most mothers won’t not feed their children because they know their children are counting on them. If your training partner is counting on you, chances are much better that you’ll show up and work hard.

Two caveats: First, if you’re the kind of person who has even a slight habit of no-showing, regularly being more than five minutes late, or trying to cancel things (not just workouts, anything) last minute, then you need to start taking more personal responsibility and put more emphasis on the importance of keeping your word. An accountability partner won’t be able to help you, simply because you don’t really feel accountable to anyone, even to yourself.

Second, don’t pick an accountability partner who will even think about having this conversation with you: “Man, I’m tired out, totally not motivated to do our workout.” “I hear you! You know what? Maybe we just skip it today.” That’s not accountability, that’s a millstone around your neck. So be a person of accountability, and find a person who will be the same.

Encouragement: Think back to a difficult moment in your life, one where you felt alone, or like you couldn’t do it, or just couldn’t make it through. Imagine how different it would have felt to have someone right there with you, someone who had been through the same thing, saying: “You can do this. I know you can do this. You’ve got it, you’re almost done. You’re doing so awesome, you got this!”

It may sound silly to compare a difficult workout with a difficult time in your life, but there’s more than a superficial correlation. If you work out regularly, and you work out well, I promise you will encounter challenges that you look at and say, “There’s no way I can do that.” And then, with encouragement, you’ll do it.

This principle absolutely translates over to the rest of your life. When you can look at small things you find impossible, small tasks that still seems insurmountable, and then surmount them, you’re encouraged and lifted up to tackle the harder things, the bigger moments of life with more faith and more grace.

Spotting: If you are lifting heavy weights, or trying an exercise for the first time, a friend can be a “spotter.” A spotter is someone there to watch your form and help you complete the lift if you fail, and it’s always better if that person is someone you know and can have consistency with. This allows them to know and see your needs (and vice versa), help just as much as you need and no more, and correct your form on an ongoing basis, based on the knowledge of your strengths, weaknesses, and goals.

I’ve learned the hard way that not all spotters are created equal. The most major sports injury I’ve had occurred when I asked a random guy in the gym to spot me, he clearly didn’t want to (but knew that gym etiquette dictated that he ought to), and even though I told him the kind of lifting I was doing, which necessitated focused, literally hands-on (on the barbell, not on me, in case there was any confusion) attention, he didn’t follow through on any part of it, and I ended up tearing a muscle. Know your spotter, or pick a different kind of workout until you find a spotter. And, when you are needed to spot someone else, be attentive.

Competition: If you’re someone who even remotely enjoys games or, you know, fun, at all, getting fitter with a training partner becomes much easier. I have some friends with whom I switch off coming up with workouts, and we see who can do it better, or faster, or longer. It’s fun to push through your plateaus, to challenge your strengths and your weaknesses, and to share all of that with a friend.

The adage of “if you’re the smartest person in the room, you’re in the wrong room” holds true here. I have friends who are stronger than I am, friends who are faster than I am, friends who have better endurance, friends who are more flexible, friends who excel at a certain sport. All of them can drive me to show up and do my best, with the hopes that one day my best might beat them!

Learning: I mentioned earlier that my friend Joe always has a new workout he’s just read about and is excited to try. The truth is, most of my training partners are constantly learning and trying new things, whether it be with nutrition, exercise, rest, discipline, skill training, etc. Two heads really are better than one.

When I train with them, I’m constantly learning new things, and that helps me come up with new goals, new ways of reaching my current goals, or new skills I want to develop. Most people resist change, but we also thrive on change. If the person who’s keeping you accountable can also provide a source of learning and potential growth for you, positive change becomes easier. That’s gold.

Wow, look how great training partners can be! Who knew? “Who” is indeed the right question, because that leads us to the final topic in this section: how to find training partners. There are a multitude of different ways to approach this, but here I’ll present a few, along with some other things to keep in mind.

Start talking more about the things that are important to you. (For purposes of our discussion, those would be faith and fitness). Back in 2013, pretty much immediately after finishing my first Spartan Race, when people asked “what’s up?” or “what’s new?” I’d tell them, “I’m really getting into obstacle racing.” I had done one race! And I hadn’t even done very well. But I was excited about it, and that was exciting to others. It made some other friends comfortable enough to say things like: “You know, I’ve thought about doing that, but didn’t know who I’d train with. Want to go for a trail run some time?” We found a new common bond and started training together. The same holds true for when I first started getting into my faith. It became a go-to topic for me and made others comfortable enough to dialogue about it and dive deeper.

Ask just outside your most immediate circle of friends. Chances are if you have a friend in your immediate circle of friends who is at a similar point of wanting to get fitter and better across the board, they’re already your training partner. If they’re not, well, for heaven’s sake, ask them. More likely though, if you’ve been talking about fitness and haven’t found an immediate friend who’s interested, you need to cast a wider net.

I can think of several times in my life when I had a particular fitness goal (in one instance it was endurance running), and I was making mention of it to pretty much all of my immediate friends. One finally said: “You know, you should talk to my friend Yanni. He used to run all the time. I think he still does. He’d probably be down to train together.” So I talked to him, he said he was always looking for a new running buddy, and we started running together.

So, ask others for recommendations. Even if you don’t feel comfortable bugging all your friends about their friends, try posting on Facebook that you’re looking for folks who want to train together. People will come out of the woodwork. I do recommend (whether it’s on faith or fitness), trying to focus Facebook posts so that it’s an invitation to specific training or accountability, etc. This prevents the all-too-common: “Man, there’s ANOTHER post from Kaiser. Does he do ANYTHING other than post about obstacle racing and Catholicism? Tuning him out!” It’s that syndrome that can happen when people feel bombarded by someone’s Facebook feed. And, as in all things social, don’t throw safety to the wind. Be smart about who, where, and when you plan to meet someone you don’t know really well.

Train for something in particular. Here’s another example from my own experience. Before obstacle racing, I had only one occasional training partner. When I started training for my second race, like I recommended above, I posted about it on Facebook. Suddenly, I had someone to train with every day of the week. Friends who wanted to run, acquaintances who wanted to lift, people who wanted to train specifically for obstacle racing and didn’t know how into it I was. (By the time I registered for my second race, I had stopped talking about how I was “getting into” obstacle racing, and had moved on to “I obstacle race.”)

Now, I have friends of friends who say, “Hey, I heard you were into obstacle racing, wanna train together?” The same proves true for friends who mention frequently or publicly that they’re training for a marathon (heck, even a 5k!), starting a CrossFit class, cycling, or rock climbing. If you pick a sport, or an event, and talk publicly about it or post about it on social media, I promise you’ll find other people who are doing the same, even among people you’re kind of already friends with and can get along with.

Even if you don’t find them immediately, do the event or the sport or the class. Some of my training partners are people I’ve met at a race, sometimes even during the race. I pass them or they pass me, and at the finish we end up introducing ourselves!

Find someone better than you. In general, you want someone who’s going to push you. Ideally, you can find someone who’s either, like, 10% better than you, or is better in one area but you’re better in another. Basically, if someone’s a 100% better athlete than you, they’re not necessarily going to get much out of being training partners, so it probably won’t work long term. But if they’re a little better than you, you can probably still give each other the push, the encouragement, and the competition that will help you both thrive. Or, if you have complementary skill sets, you can both challenge each other’s weaknesses with your strengths and create a really dynamic environment.

My friend Jeff is a much better runner than I am, but I’m stronger than he is. When we train together, we push each other outside of our wheelhouses to grow and be better. Again, the same holds true in our faith lives. Find people who embody a virtue or a spiritual life that inspires you. Spend more time with them, talk with them, and grow with them and from them.

So, in faith and in fitness, finding a “training partner” keeps us encouraged, accountable, and striving to get better, do better, and be better. But to get to “better” means that not only must we have a fixed ideal we’re progressing toward, we must know specifically where we’re starting from. How do we figure that out? Well, read on.