Читать книгу Living Long, Living Passionately - Karen Casey - Страница 17

Is there really a need for us to forgive ourselves? Some may think not, and it's an individual decision, certainly. The trajectory of my life, however, has clearly shown me that forgiveness is necessary. I walked myself into many dark alleys; hung out with many questionable men; and straddled the very thin line between barely acceptable and totally unacceptable behavior for more than twenty years, from ages sixteen to thirty-six, when I finally looked at who I had become and got sober. That I lived to tell my story is due to the presence of “hovering angels,” I'm convinced. And I'm grateful to be telling the story, rather than having my story told by someone else.

As a child I never considered the possibility that someone was watching over me. That idea wasn't ever addressed in my family, around the supper table or at bedtime. Mother didn't lead us in prayer. Nor was grace spoken when we gathered to eat, except on special occasions when Uncle George thumped the Bible hard on behalf of us all. I don't believe my family of six was a godless family, but we didn't claim reliance on God either. I simply never considered his presence. Nor did anyone else, to my knowledge. Praying about a decision I had to make was a very foreign idea. A very foreign idea indeed.

How different my life might have been if I had lived as though God were my daily companion, available for consultation on a regular basis. Many decisions would have been different. Many behaviors never attempted. Many encounters avoided. Many reasons for feeling grateful would have presented themselves. Many actions for which I had to eventually forgive myself would have been sidestepped. The interesting thing, however, is that I believe wholeheartedly that whatever any one of us needs to learn will make its way to us. In time. Absolutely.

Having that belief as one of my treasured truths in these last few decades of living has given me a sense of wellbeing, coupled with the assurance that I will be presented with every experience I need, now and in the years ahead. And because I trust that the God of my understanding will be involved, I'll not be creating unnecessary drama or reasons for self- or other forgiveness. In case this sounds like forgiveness is something we want to avoid, I want to offer assurance that forgiveness is an act of joining with our inner self or with those around us. It's a kind gesture, always. It's honorable, loving, and a symbol of selfacceptance. It's a way of saying to the God of our understanding, “I know you are present, here and now, and I am grateful.”

One of the things I have had to undertake, since becoming sober, is to create a list of opportunities for forgiveness, either of myself or someone else. Making the list, in and of itself, is a humbling experience. It's looking at ourselves straight on, with no room for avoidance. It's freeing too, once we have begun the list. Writing down one thing, just one thing, is what removes the barriers to our past.

I had to forgive myself for abusing my body with alcohol and drugs. Alcohol and drugs, coupled with putting myself in harm's way because of the choices I made for companionship, all deserved careful consideration and far more than just a nod of forgiveness. I dangled for many years over the abyss, a choice that I made with eyes opened. That there was a presence watching over me, an unacknowledged one for sure, made it possible for me to eventually get back on track and become the woman I had been charted to be so long ago.

All who are reading this have pasts too, perhaps far different from mine, but there have been experiences that cast shadows, I'm sure. After all, we are human. We sometimes dodge our responsibilities. Even worse, perhaps we caused harm to others and turned away rather than admitting it. But nothing, nothing was so awful that you and I aren't worthy of forgiveness—from ourselves, from our companions, and from God too. With God, all is forgiven. Always.

A good exercise for all of us is to take an inventory, however brief, and begin the process of seeing ourselves as we are, not how we pretend to be. Dig deep. Look at yourself straight on, not sideways. Be daring. And then get down to the business of forgiveness. If it helps, and I think it will, take pen to paper and write: I forgive you, _______________ (put your name here), for this past action, _______________ (put what it was here), and now it's time to rejoice. Note the many experiences that come to mind. Don't think anything is too small to write down. If it came to mind, it's worthy of attention.

At another time, begin this process again, forgiving others for their transgressions. Only when we are free from our past issues will we face the future with healthy anticipation. Decades of living are behind us now; there is no time to tarry. What lies ahead will be as good as we are willing to allow it to be.

The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.

—Steve Maraboli