Читать книгу A Grateful Dragon - Karla Schuurs - Страница 3

It had been two months since Jen’s party.

Christmas decorations adorned homes, street lights and shops; tinkling and glistening and triggering a taste of childhood excitement in Mira’s brain that couldn’t touch her soul this year.

The Ghost of Christmas Past would forevermore cast a shadow over Mira’s festive seasons.

Everything felt out of alignment and hollow.

Mira was still working at the deli. She knew many of the customers personally now, well at least on a first name and preferred order basis. And she honestly was enjoying the safe, homely rhythm of life that cocooned her broken soul.

But deep down in her heart-of-hearts, something was tugging urgently at Mira, shouting at her to Get up! Move faster!

But her inner compass had gone haywire and Mira didn’t know where to go.

So she stayed put, feeling like she was hovering.

Mr and Mrs Popovic who owned the deli were quirky and kind; and appreciated Mira’s hard-work ethic with exuberant, broken English enthusiasm.

“You a good girl Mira, a very good girl,” Mr Popovic would often call out on his way through the shop with boxes. Mrs Popovic delighted in teaching Mira new recipes. Mira suspected she left out at least one or two secret ingredients every time because Mira could never get her sarma or apple cake to taste quite as good.

Although she was still living with Mum and Lai at home, Mira was planning to move out and back into her apartment by the end of the year.

…Early next year at the latest, the very latest.

Mira hadn’t been invited to show her art at anymore exhibitions, which made her feel titchy and restless inside. But she was entering every art competition she could find and painting every day.

Ok, maybe not every art competition.

Some were just out of her league.

And it was more like every second day she painted, or third; somedays she was just tired.

Always on a day off though… well, mostly.

It was like she’d severed her connection with Inspiration.

It didn’t make any sense!

She’d somehow doused out her own fire - the one that ignited her soul, set her paintbrushes alight and made something beautiful.

And it wasn’t fair!

Mira had done everything she was supposed to do.

She’d taken that big chance, backed herself 100%, stood on her own two feet, believed in herself, cut toxicity out of her life.

Bleh, bleh, bleh… isn’t that what the oracle Instagram says you’re supposed to do?

But it wasn’t enough.

Her link with something she believed in was gone, and she couldn’t find it again.

Mira had managed to make the short-list of her local library’s Annual Emerging Artists Competition, on the back of her Sunny piece.

She was grateful and humbled and flattered for the accolade, but Mira hadn’t gone to the presentation.

Her heart just wasn’t in riding the coattails of a previous affair with Inspiration.

She wanted to be more than a one paint-stroke wonder.

Monday morning Mira was in the garage early painting, still a bit blurry eyed but determined. She gulped at her coffee, feeling the morning fog lifting slowly off her brain. It was unusual for Mira to be at her art on a weekday morning, but she had the day off, having worked the weekend at the Deli.

Mira had this idea banging and scraping relentlessly at the back of her head.

Instead of complaining that Inspiration had left her, she figured she should just follow this lead.

The idea was to paint cloud pictures. You know, the kind you make up out of your imagination as a kid, when you look up into the cloudy sky on a barmy summer’s day.

The problem was that every time Mira went to put paint to her idea, she ended up drawing an infinity cloud-dragon, wrapped ‘round in such a way…

Urrrrrr…

Mira grunted and put her paintbrush down again.

She still thought of Rex more often than not, even though she was dating David now.

Mira felt genuinely wretched about obsessing over fucc-tard Rex.

Get outta my brain! She commanded about 700 times a day, it felt like.

Maybe she shouldn’t have rushed into dating David?

But rushed what?

Mira had been single for over 3 years, then had a crumby one-night stand.

Ok, it was far from crumby.

But the point was, there was nothing to get over.

And David was the kindest, most loyal, devoted, fantastic catch of a boyfriend who adored her.

If Mira kept rejecting good, decent men on account of one dick; well, she’d end up old and alone with lots of cats.

And Mira didn’t really like cats.

Mira didn’t mean any harm, she was just still hurting. But if nothing else she was a tenacious human, and determinedly pushed away images and memories of Rex as soon as they surfaced.

Surely there was nothing wrong with that?

She was doing the right thing.

She was doing the best she could.

But Mira was still mad at herself for letting her mind wandered to Rex. It was wrong, and silly, and out of character.

David had been nothing but patient, and honestly down-right grateful just to be around her when they both had time. David was amiable, a gentleman, one of the good ones. She should be more damn grateful! Mira often chastised herself inside for not being more grateful.

And David chatted a lot, which was a good thing. It filled up the empty space between them, because Mira never had anything to say.

David was a chatty sally.

He enjoyed moaning about his parents insisting he study economics and take over the family business, when he really wanted to be a personal trainer; or prattling excitedly about an upcoming tennis competition. He talked easily about everyday life and didn’t bother Mira about her art. He didn’t ask about it at all actually. Mira preferred that. Her work had taken on slightly darker tones these days and the last thing she wanted to do was have to try and explain the deep psyche of her inner demons to someone who honestly didn’t seem emotionally or spiritually equiped for it. Not that Mira was a vibrational snob or anything, but she couldn’t help it. She saw where David’s energy shot off excitedly and where it didn’t. He just wasn’t like her, and that was ok.

It was ok.

Mira shrugged off thoughts of David, sitting in the corner of the garage; defiantly staring down with dark, stormy eyes her cloud creation that just looked like a tattoo of infinite gratitude.

Mira knew she shouldn’t, knew it was no good for her, but she was all alone, in the garage…

Maybe it would help get this obsession out of her head?

She searched apple music for Play that Song, let it play and closed her eyes, remembering…

“Darling!” Mum burst through the garage door and Mira gasped, flipped the phone in the air, and fumbled as she grabbed for it in desperation to jam that bloody song off.

“Sorry darling,” Mum bleated out, her mouth set in a grimace, looking awkward. Mira felt her face blushing up scarlet storm clouds all over her cheeks.

Fucc!

“It’s ok Ma,” Mira trilled brightly, pushing those emotions so far down they were squashed into her toes somewhere.

No, squished into a bunion.

“I was just taking a break. What’s up?”

“Doctor Cole’s assistant just rang out of the blue. Someone needs to pick up Dad’s cochlear implant this morning, otherwise the hospital will dispose of it. I’d just forgotten. I’d hate to see it get thrown out, those things are expensive…”

Mum found it hard to fathom throwing out a dried up liquid paper pen from 1995.

“Ma,” Mira tried.

“I’d like to donate it to someone who really needs it. Mmmmm… Your father would want that mmmm…”

“Ma!” Mira tried again, but Mum was on her roll.

“I’ve got to take Lai to school. I told Pops I’d visit this morning. You know how he worries if I don’t visit every Monday.”

“Ma!!” Mira hollered.

“Yes darling!” Mum’s eyes popped wide and startled as she was whipped out of her rambling trance.

“I’ll pick up the cochlear implant. Where do I need to go?”

“Oh thank you darling! Just to the hospital, second floor though. The specialist suit. Doctor Cole is in room 23. But you’ll need to see the nurse at the reception desk and let her know that you’re there to pick up Rhu Jacobson’s cochlear implant mmm…”

“No worries Ma,” Mira got up off the floor and duster herself down, “I’ll throw some jeans on and head over now.”

“Thank you my darling,” and Mum threw her arms around Mira “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“Probably have a much tidier garage,” Mira said through the muffle of Mum’s cardigan.

Mum laughed.

Good.

“I’m just going to take Lai to school now, mmmm…”

“Ok Ma, I’ll lock up. See you at home later.”

Mum hummed all the way out of the garage.

Mira smelt like paint. It was matted through her hair and all over her hands but Mira just changed her pants and sweater. She was only popping her head in an oncologist’s office for probably 20 seconds.

No need to get dressed up for that.

At the hospital, Mira followed Mum’s directions by memory, and didn’t even need to read a sign.

It was completely straight forward.

She saw a nurse at the reception desk with shiny blood hair and a surprising lot of eye makeup on.

Mira walked up and explained “My name is Mira Jacobson. I’m here to pick up my dad’s cochlear implant from his oncologist, Dr Cole. He rang my mum this morning.”

A cotton-candy type pink mist enveloped the nurse and sparkles of star-dust energy burst from her eyes at the mention of this Dr Cole.

Mira understood what the overdone eyeliner was for now.

The nurse picked up a phone on the desk and gushed down it “Dr Cole, a Miss Jacobson is here to see you regarding her father’s cochlear implant.” The sparkly-eyed nurse put the phone down and looked up at Mira. She smiled so widely it looked painful, “You can go straight through to Dr. Cole’s office, number 23.”

“Thanks,” Mira muttered, a bit put off by the nurse’s out-of-proportional grin and enthusiasm.

Any specialist Mira had ever seen was a grizzly, condescending old man.

But hey, no judgement for different tastes.

Mira knocked at the door of suit number 23 and heard a muffled “Come in.”

She opened the door and walked in with her head down. Her guts were clenched at being back in the hospital. Mira desperately hoped the oncologist would simply give her Dad’s cochlear implant and be done with it. Ghost feelings of the too fresh past were pulling and scratching at her.

Mira shut to door behind her and as she turned around they both looked up together.

Mira didn’t have to worry about ghost grief gripping her after all.

“You’ve got to be shitting me!” came straight out of her mouth.

It was more like ghost rage.

“Mira?” She watched his face contort in shock, then restrain itself to cool professionalism.

“Still got that potty mouth I see.”

Scorned fury enveloped her.

“Rex?! You’re my Dad’s oncologist?! You said you were a surgeon.”

“Yes, oncological surgeon,” He said levelly, “Will you take a seat.”

“No,” Mira was being irrational and immature, but she wasn’t doing a thing he said; not even a thing he suggested.

She balled her little fists, standing back near the door.

“You’ve cut your hair,” Rex said a little more gently.

Mira breathed steam out of her mouth.

“You never called,” she gritted out between a clenched jaw.

“I had to scrub in quickly, it was an emergency,” Rex started.

“And you didn’t have a phone,” Mira continued with hurt prickling her eyes, “And no one else had a phone,” her body was rigid with rage. She wasn’t that timid little girl who would just say “Ok,” anymore.

“And you’ve not had a phone since, or access to a computer, or iPad - or anything. And nobody you know in the whole goddamn world has either right?!”

“Yes but…”

“But nothing! Matt still has me in that muso group on fb. You could have found me. You could have found a way. You just didn’t want to.”

And the bitter truth of his rejection hit her with reality’s full force.

Mira suddenly felt completely stupid for pining over him like a whimpering puppy all this time.

“It’s not that simple,” Rex replied so levelly it made Mira want to spit fire at him, "Life has been very complicated for me…”

“It’s been complicated for you too huh? ‘Cause I helplessly witnessed my dad tortured to death, held my grieving family together, while sucking my boss’ dick to afford to bury my dad. Don’t get me wrong, none of that’s on you… I had a job to do. But don’t worry I get it,” then she spat out his own words back at him “Life’s big kid.”

And Mira swung around.

As she went to put her hand on the doorknob her bag flew open. Her phone hit the floor and started tinkling out Play That Song.

Mira snatched it up, but her fumbling fingers couldn’t turn the fuccer off.

Rex came over and tried to help. He reached over her for the phone.

“I wasn’t listening to it,” Mira hissed, trying to swing away from him.

“Sure,” Rex mumbled as he continued to try and help her. They both reached back and forward awkwardly, but at one point the familiar rush of their energies connecting clicked like two puzzle pieces that fit; and their bodies started swaying together.

Mira felt it.

Her delighted molecules moved in warm harmony with Rex. The familiar sensation of that current in her meeting joyously with Rex’s flow lifted her feet off the ground for a moment.

Mira slammed her subconscious back down, down to ground.

“Oh for fucc’s sake!” Mira spat out, frazzled and flushed.

Rex chuckled under his breath, took the phone gently out of her sweaty grasp and turned it off neatly.

With those swift, capable fingers she remembered ever so clearly, he put the phone in her handbag and zipped it up.

Rex was leaning over her handbag. He looked up straight into her eyes. She felt his breath on her lips. Mira wanted to grab his glorious face and kiss those generous lips like it was her last breath.

Instead she blurted out “I’m seeing someone.”

Rex’s sparkling eyes dulled.

“So am I,” He rumbled out.

Mira’s heart fell to the ground with a bloody splat and started flipping on the carpet like a fish out of water gasping for air.

But she managed to nod.

Mira threw the door open and literally stumbled out the other side and shut it behind her.

She saw the nurse behind the desk gawking, now her eyes looked disproportionately big. Mira started smoothing down her dress nervously.

Hearing movement from the other side of the door Mira’s eyes bugged and she scooted over to the stairs.

The last thing she wanted was to be caught in the goddam elevator with him.

Mira dashed down the stairs and scuttled to the car. She got in, slamming the door shut with trembling hands. Mira tried breathing in and out and a couple of times but it was no good. She couldn’t hide her heartbreak, not from herself, and burst into bitter tears of hurt and rejection.

As Mira sat their scrunched up in on herself like a piece of trash sobbing, she herd a tap on her window.

Mira jumped, gasped like she was having an asthma attack then squinted out the window.

It was him?!

Urrrrrrr…

“For fucc’s sake!” Mira cursed, winding down the window furiously.

“Watch your language Miss Potty Mouth,” Rex was smiling kindly over her, but he felt like her tombstone.

He handed her Dad’s cochlear through the window.

“You forgot this.”

Mira sighed “Thanks.”

“Mira, for what it’s worth I’m sorry.”

Mira looked straight back at him, steel wiping her burning eyes clear, “It’s worth nothing.”

She wound her window up and drove off.