Читать книгу The World of Karl Pilkington - Karl Pilkington - Страница 10

Karl: I give to charity but I feel like I’m being cheated a bit.

Ricky: You were conned by a charity weren’t you?

Karl: I got stopped and they drag you in by saying, ‘Have you got a gran?’, and I said, ‘No they died and that.’ It’s, ‘Oh did they die of the cold?’ ‘No. Ill.’ ‘What did they have?’ ‘Just old age.’ They said, ‘Well, what happens with a lot of people’s grans is they die in the cold, right.’ So, I says ‘That’s bad innit.’ So she’s chatting and she’s showing me pictures of these old women, who look cold, saying ‘Look at her. That’s Edna. She’s got no family. She can’t pay the bills and all that.’

Ricky: Sure.

Karl: Anyway it goes on for about fifteen minutes and you feel bad. You give ’em your bank details, right, and what happens is, every couple of months you get a letter from Edna. Well it’s not from her, it’s typed up and what have you, but there’s a picture of Edna and it’s saying ‘Oh, this December Edna is going to be extra cold. It’s cold outside, she can’t afford to pay the heating’ and what have you. So you keep paying every month like £5 or whatever. I get another letter a few months later, right, Edna’s sat there – she’s got a tan!

Steve: What do you mean, ‘she’s got a tan’?

Karl: When they said she needs money because she’s cold I thought they meant for the heating – not to send her on holiday for a month. She’s sat there with a tan. I’m not joking.

Steve: Are you sure it wasn’t just a problem in the printing process?

Karl: No, no definitely.

Ricky: Are you sure it wasn’t liver failure?

Steve: This is a terrible thing to say, but when I see those people approaching now, with the clip-boards, I always get my mobile phone out and pretend I am having a conversation.

Karl: Yeah, I’ve done that one.

Steve: The number of fake conversations I’ve had walking past them now.

Karl: I’ll tell you what, we’ve talked about homeless people before and that, and I walked past one the other day. Don’t you think that if you had a company, it’s worth taking them on? Because they never have a lie in.

Ricky: Brilliant.

Karl: When does it become, like, bad to avoid homeless people? Because some people say you shouldn’t, that they’re people like us who have just had a bit of bad luck.

Ricky: Well of course they are.

Karl: Yeah, I know but I remember one on our estate and she was a bit – what’s the word that you can use, because I don’t want to offend anyone? She was sort of mental homeless. Is that a term?

Ricky: That is the official term.

Karl: Well she lived on the estate and what have you …

Ricky: How was she homeless if she lived on the estate?

Karl: Well, she sort of decided to stay round there, because I think people on the estate spoke to her more than people who had money.

Ricky: Really?

Karl: So anyway. This mental homeless woman on the estate, what she used to do, right, she acted quite normal and she used to always push a pram around with her, right. And she was dead happy; every day she was walking up and down the road. Anyway one day she walked past me, right, and I turned round and looked in the pram – and there’s a bucket with a face on it!