Читать книгу Out of the Darkness: An Unexpected Path to Freedom - Karrie Boone's Wallen - Страница 6

A Tap on the Shoulder…..

Alone…no words can console me…it is my time….just my ego, my Soul and God…no escaping…no turning back….the path unmarked…unlit…the pain so great…. no choice but to endure…and “die”….this is the path of my ego….an ego whose time is up….it has run amuck for lifetimes…sitting in the advisor’s chair…telling lies and stories adeptly….maintaining its position of power and control…while “I” follow blindly….trusting without question….then one moment…seemingly out of nowhere…..a quiet tap on the shoulder….and the great shift begins ….the Divine has come calling at the request of the Soul….my ego leaps in arrogance…. receiving this tap as evidence of its’ “specialness”….little does it know….that the Divine has heard the call of the Soul….and has come to grant its deepest desire….the desire for freedom….

The Great Dark Night

The Dark Night…..miserable…wretched…never-ending…merciless….tapped on the shoulder …”invited,” the ego thought….a surprise party indeed…no invitation…a summons… a summons to enter the darkness….the pitch black of night….the bewitching hour….the valley of the shadows…my shadows…the scariest and most unacceptable of all….no lantern….no guidance….alone…..me…and my shadows….abandoned by God….face-to-face with my own wretchedness….how long can this last?….”I can survive!” the ego says….but soon the pain is too great….and still…it does not end….death would be a blessing….but death is too good for the wretched…the unforgiveable……each morning I awaken to find myself still “alive”….all attempts to return to slumber are aborted….I must endure the pain my wretchedness deserves….I must be crucified….I am undeserving, unworthy of mercy…..the pain is tremendous, excruciating at times…detachment comes hard for the ego….which is why the pain is so incredible….the truth lies in the acceptance of who I am….the whole of who I am….the dark and the light….all is of the ONE….there is no judgment….other than the cruel and wretched judge within…..the love of the Divine is like fire….prying the ego’s fingers away from the Soul… allowing the Soul its freedom…its sovereignty…in acceptance of the whole of who I am….the dark and the light….in acceptance I am freed….

The Horror of the Truth…

I slouch…shackled to my chair….bloodied….bruised….broken….abused…. powerless….a victim….awaiting the next slap, punch, kick, whipping….my captor….. my torture master…. stands over me….his black hood hides his face….but not his eyes….cruel…..evil….dark…. eerily familiar…. over and over, I hear “you are bad….unworthy….undeserving”….”you are bad…unworthy…undeserving”…and I believe him….I have no recollection of what I’ve done ….what rules I have broken…I only know…. I am unworthy….and therefore, I deserve this never-ending beating….and then it happens….I am shocked….horrified….appalled….sickened ….my captor removes his hood….and I look straight into the eyes of “me”….I begin to sob uncontrollably as I realize what I have done….as I realize the truth….the sad, horrible truth…..I hear “I lied to me”…..“I lied to me”….“I am my own terrorist”….“my own torture-master”…“I supplied the rules….the beliefs….the punishment…and the cruelty”…..I am horrified by the cruelty….how could I have been so cruel?….so malicious?…so merciless?…..to another is unforgiveable…to myself?...oh my God….I fall on my knees before me….I am so sorry…..please forgive me….I love you….thank you….it is then – at some level - the grace of true freedom becomes clear….with the recognition of the truth….the illusion of suffering, persecution and limitation immediately dissipates…..I am free….truly free….

I am enough…

my life…..a mission….. intent on reaching the destination…the determination of a warrior…. climbing the mountain…slaying the dragon….life on the line….always….intense…desperate.. the search for that which could quench the yearning….a yearning from the depths of my Being …..quench at all costs…borderline madness…never fulfilled….never complete….always the yearning…..the depths of anguish….continue the march….must persevere…focus ahead…only the path….brief moments of rest….never enough….unconscious….yet driven….always yearning ….yearning for union….unconscious of the symbolism….caught in the literal…..too many jackets…too much weight…get off me!....where am I going?.....I don’t know…..who am I?....I don’t know…still the yearning…unbearable….fulfillment in another?…..who’s the ONE?.....I can’t hear!...too loud….I can’t do this anymore….I don’t know who I am….or what I have to offer ….silence…. I need silence….leave it all….go to the desert….listen….just me…just me and God ….the unconditional love of God….the brilliance of the light of God….the unconditional acceptance of God…I CAN’T STAND IT!...I AM NOT WORTHY!.....I AM NOT DESERVING! ….excruciating pain….anguish…. darkness… grief….WHO AM I?...WHY AM I HERE?....WHY DO I HAVE TO STAY?....wretchedness….denial of light….punishment….no way out….dungeon of darkness…hell….death…purification…a tunnel….no direction….no light ….only a sense…stay still….wait…..allow….SEE YOUR LIGHT….SEE THE LIGHT…..I WILL GO THROUGH!...emergence!…fall on my knees….tears of joy…relief…a journey I didn’t think I would survive…has ended….sobs….the LIGHT!....GRATITUDE….I’m alive!....a babe in the new…unconscious of my newness….has something changed?....no longer the same ….a ghost to the illusion of old....interactions ignored….where am I?....what’s going on?....panic ….sit….nothing else I can do....restlessness….frustration….sporadic anger…remnants of the old ….I must do…mustn’t I?.....stillness….unfamiliar knowing….a voice from the past….growing weak…but still in range…I must do!....mustn’t I?....can’t do anymore….not possible…. reprogrammed….can’t connect….all is well…new definition…new way of Being….Being in doing…doing in Being…..hmmmmm…..”Go home…..create by BEING” she had said….I never understood…echoes of the past…visions….words….awareness….dawning….I am home….my Being is my home…I am enough….I have always been enough….the truth beneath the layers…. I have always been enough…I am the ONE I have searched for…my own wholeness….I am the object of my own yearning….I am the song I so desperately desired to express….I am that which fulfills me….I am that which fills “me”…I am the ONE…I am that which I have eternally sought….and….I am enough….