Читать книгу A Forever Family: Their Christmas Delivery - Kate Hardy - Страница 16

CHAPTER SIX

Bank Holiday Monday

AMY WAS WARM and deeply, deeply comfortable.

And then she realised why.

Somehow, during the night, the large gap in the bed between her and Josh had closed. Now her head was pillowed on his shoulder, his arm was round her shoulders, her arm was wrapped round his waist, and her fingers were twined with his.

They were sleeping like lovers.

Oh, help. This was a seriously bad idea. She couldn’t offer Josh a future and it wasn’t fair to lead him on.

Gently, she disentangled her fingers from his. She’d just started to wriggle quietly out of his arms, hoping she wouldn’t wake him, when he said, ‘Good morning.’

No running away from the situation, then. They were going to have to face this head on.

‘Good morning,’ she muttered. ‘I—um—sorry about this.’

‘Me, too.’ Though he didn’t sound concerned or embarrassed.

‘I—um—we’re both tired and sleep-deprived,’ she said. ‘And I guess this was bound to happen as we’re sharing a bed. Propinquity and all that. It doesn’t mean we have...’ She paused, looking for the right word. ‘Intentions.’

‘Absolutely,’ he agreed.

Was he smiling?

She didn’t dare look.

‘I’ll go and make us a cup of tea before Hope wakes,’ she said, and wriggled out of his arms properly.

She splashed her face with cold water in the bathroom, in the hope that it would bring back her common sense. It didn’t. She could still feel the warmth of Josh’s arms around her, and she wanted more. So much more.

How selfish could she get?

Cross with her own stupidity, she filled the kettle with water and rummaged in the cupboard for the tea bags.

* * *

Waking with Amy in his arms was just what Josh had been dreaming about. It had taken him a moment to realise that he was awake, and she really was in his arms.

She’d blamed it on them both being tired and sleep-deprived, and the fact that they’d slept in the same bed. But she’d sounded distinctly flustered.

So did she feel the same way about him that he was starting to feel about her?

He’d promised himself that he’d hold back from starting a relationship with her until after the baby was settled—either with her birth mother, or with long-term foster parents. But they’d kissed, last night. They’d woken in each other’s arms, as if they were meant to be there. He’d been awake before Amy and she’d stayed in his arms for a few moments after she’d woken—which she wouldn’t have done if she hadn’t wanted to be there.

So maybe he needed to be brave and tell her what was in his head, and see if she felt the same way.

He climbed out of bed, checked that Hope was still asleep and not overheated, and then walked into the kitchen. Amy was making the tea, dressed in rumpled clothes and with her hair all over the place—and she’d never looked more beautiful to him or more natural.

‘Hey.’ He walked over to her and wrapped his arms round her. ‘I know I probably shouldn’t be doing this, and we don’t know each other very well, but we’ve spent a lot of time together over the last couple of days and I really like you.’ He paused. ‘And I think you might like me too.’

This was the moment where either she would push him away in utter shock and he’d have to avoid her for the next six months until things were back on an even keel between them, or she would tell him that she felt the same.

He really hoped it was going to be the latter.

But then an expression of pure misery crossed her face and she stepped back out of his embrace. ‘I do like you,’ she admitted, ‘but we can’t do this.’

‘Because of the baby?’

She took a deep breath. ‘No, not because of her.’

‘Then why?’ Josh asked, not understanding.

‘I need to tell you something about myself.’ She finished making the mugs of tea, and handed one to him. ‘Let’s go and sit down.’

‘This sounds serious.’

‘It is,’ she said grimly, ‘and there isn’t an easy way to say it, so I’m not going to sugar-coat it.’

He followed her into the living room. She sat down at one end of the sofa; he sat next to her, wondering just what kind of bombshell she was about to drop. Was she still married to her ex? No, she couldn’t be—hadn’t she said something about him getting married to someone else and expecting a baby now? So what kind of thing would hold her back from starting a new relationship?

He could see her eyes fill with tears. Whatever it was, it was something really serious. Something that hurt her. And he ached for her.

Finally, she said, her voice sounding broken, ‘I can’t have children.’

Josh wanted to reach out and take her hand and tell her that it didn’t change the way he felt, but he could see the ‘hands off’ signals written all over her. And as a doctor he knew the value of silence. If he let her talk, tell him exactly what was holding her back, then he might have more of a chance of being able to counter her arguments.

‘That’s why Michael—my ex—broke off our engagement and left,’ she continued.

Josh was horrified. It must’ve been hard enough for Amy, finding out that she couldn’t have children, but then for the man who was supposed to love her and want to marry her to walk out on her over the issue... That shocked him to the core. How could Michael have been so selfish? Why hadn’t he put Amy first? And how it must’ve hurt her when she’d learned that his new wife was expecting a baby.

‘We’d been trying for a baby for a year or so without success, so we went for investigations to find out why we couldn’t conceive.’ She looked away. ‘I knew that the guy I’d dated before Michael had cheated on me. I found it had been more than once and with more than one other woman, and that’s why I left him. I didn’t want to stay with someone who didn’t love me or respect me enough to be faithful. But what I didn’t realise was that he’d given me chlamydia.’

Josh knew then exactly what had happened to her. ‘You didn’t have any symptoms?’

She shook her head. ‘And obviously, because I didn’t know I had it, that meant I was still infected when I started seeing Michael and we moved in together. I infected Michael. He didn’t have symptoms, either.’

Quite a high percentage of people who’d been infected with chlamydia didn’t have symptoms. Not that it would comfort her to know that. ‘Amy, it wasn’t your fault.’

She shook her head. ‘I should’ve been more careful. Used condoms with Gavin—the one who cheated on me—instead of the Pill.’

How could she possibly blame herself? ‘Before you found out that he’d cheated on you, you trusted him. How long were you together?’

‘Two years.’

‘So of course you’d think the Pill was a safe form of contraception. Any woman in your shoes would.’ Josh shook his head, angry on her behalf. ‘Gavin cheated on you, and he was the one who infected you. How could anyone possibly think it was your fault?’

‘Because I should’ve got myself checked out. I should’ve realised that, because Gavin had been sleeping around, there could be consequences.’

‘But you didn’t have symptoms. Actually, around two thirds of women and about fifty per cent of men don’t have symptoms if they’re infected with chlamydia. And, if you don’t have symptoms, how are you supposed to know there’s a problem? It’s not your fault,’ he said again. ‘I’m probably speaking out of turn, but it was totally unfair of Michael to blame you.’

‘It happened. And you can’t change the past, just learn from it.’ She shrugged. ‘So now you know. As a doctor, you’ve probably already guessed what the problem is, but I’ll spell it out for you. The chlamydia gave me pelvic inflammatory disease and the scar tissue blocked my Fallopian tubes, so I can’t have children. If you’re looking to have a family in the future, then I’m not the one for you and we need to call a halt to this right now.’

And that was really what was holding her back? This time, he did reach over and take her hand. ‘First of all, having children isn’t the be-all and end-all of a relationship. Lots of couples can’t have children or choose not to. It doesn’t make their relationship and how they feel about each other any less valid. And if this thing between us works out the way I hope it might, then if we do decide in the future that we want children then we still have options. Did your specialist not mention IVF?’

She swallowed. ‘Yes, but Michael didn’t want to do that.’

Josh wasn’t surprised. And he’d just bet the other man’s reasoning was purely to do with himself, not to do with how tough the IVF process could be for a woman.

‘It’s not an easy option and there are no cast-iron guarantees,’ he said, ‘but it’s still an option for tubal infertility. One of the doctors I trained with had severe endometriosis which blocked her Fallopian tubes, and she had a baby through IVF last year.’

Was that hope he saw flickering in her eyes, just then?

‘And if that’s not a route you want to go down—because the treatment cycle is pretty gruelling and it isn’t for everyone—there’s fostering or adoption.’

She blinked, as if not expecting him to have reacted that way. ‘Michael wasn’t prepared to even consider that.’

Because Michael was a selfish toad. Not that it was Josh’s place to say so. ‘I’m not Michael,’ he said.

‘I know.’ She took a deep breath. ‘But I wanted you to know the situation upfront. So, if it’s a problem for you, you can walk away now and there’s no damage to either of us.’

Even though they’d only got close to each other over the last couple of days, Josh had the strongest feeling that walking away from her would definitely cause damage to both of them.

‘I like you,’ he said again, ‘and I think you might just like me back. And that’s what’s important here. Everything else is just details and we can work them out. Together.’

She looked at him as if she didn’t quite believe him.

‘If you want to work them out, that is,’ he said. ‘Your infertility doesn’t make any difference to the way I feel about you. I still want to start dating you properly. Get to know you.’

‘And it’s really that easy?’

‘It is for me.’ He paused. ‘Though, since you told me about your ex, I guess you need to know about mine.’

* * *

The woman who’d left him last Christmas Eve, pregnant with another man’s child.

Amy really couldn’t understand why on earth anyone would dump a man like Josh—a man who was kind and caring as well as easy on the eye. In the intense couple of days they’d spent together, she hadn’t found a deal-breaking flaw in him.

‘Kelly worked in advertising—so maybe if I’d gone to art college instead of med school we would’ve ended up working together.’ He shrugged. ‘But we met at a party, where we were both a friend of a friend. We fell for each other, moved in together a couple of weeks later and got married within three months.’

Alarm bells rang in the back of Amy’s head. Wasn’t this exactly what she and Josh were doing? Falling in love with each other a little too quickly and not thinking things through? A whirlwind romance had gone badly wrong for him before. Then again, her last two relationships had both lasted for a couple of years, so taking things slowly hadn’t exactly worked for her, either.

‘I assumed Kelly would want a family at some point in the future, the way I did, and she assumed that we were both ambitious and were going to put our careers first,’ he said. ‘We probably should have talked about that a lot more before we got married.’

He wanted a family.

Amy’s heart sank.

OK, he’d said to her that her infertility didn’t make a difference. But it did. As he’d said, IVF treatment could be gruelling and there were no guarantees that it would work. She’d looked into it, in the days when she’d still hoped that Michael might change his mind, and the chances of having a baby were roughly one in four. Odds which might not be good enough for Josh. Right now, they were looking after a baby together. What would happen in New Year, when life went back to normal? Would he realise then what a mistake he was making, trying to make a go of things with her?

‘Kelly was working really long hours on the promise of getting a promotion. Obviously I supported her,’ Josh continued, ‘but then she fell in love with one of her colleagues. She said they tried to fight the attraction; but, on one project they were working on together, they went to visit a client and it meant an overnight stay. They were in rooms next to each other in the hotel; they’d had dinner out with the client and too much wine; and one thing led to another. That’s when the affair started.’

Clearly Josh hadn’t had a clue about it. Amy reached over and squeezed his hand. ‘That’s hard.’

‘Yeah.’ He sighed. ‘She got the promotion, but she was still working crazy hours. I assumed it was because of the pressure of work in her new job, but it was actually because she was seeing the other guy.’ He gave her a wry smile. ‘Then she told me she was pregnant.’

‘And you thought it was yours?’

‘I knew it wasn’t,’ he said softly, ‘because we’d both been working mad hours and were too tired to do anything more than fall into bed and go straight to sleep when we got home at night. We hadn’t had sex for a couple of months, so there was no way the baby could possibly be mine. Though Kelly never lied to me about it. She told me it was his and she was sorry—she’d fallen in love with him and was leaving me.’ He looked away. ‘Funny, she ended up with the family she said she didn’t want, but maybe it was really that she just didn’t want to have a family with me. I wasn’t enough for her.’

How could Josh possibly not be enough for someone? Amy squeezed his hand again. ‘Josh, you didn’t do anything wrong. It wasn’t your fault.’ She gave him an awkward smile. ‘I guess you can’t help who you fall in love with.’ Hadn’t she made that same mistake, falling for Mr Wrong?

‘And Kelly was fair about it. She didn’t try to heap the blame on me for the divorce.’

‘Even when the split’s amicable, it’s still tough,’ Amy said. ‘I’m sorry you got hurt like that.’

‘But?’ he asked, clearly sensing that she had doubts.

‘But,’ she said softly, ‘you said you wanted to have a family with Kelly. Even if we put IVF into the equation, there’s still a very strong chance I won’t be able to give you a family. So I’ll understand if you want us to stay just friends.’

He shook his head. ‘I want more than that from you, Amy. And in any relationship you have to make a compromise.’

‘But this is one hell of a compromise. It means giving up on your plans to have a family.’

‘Right now, it’s still early days between you and me, and we’re not making any promises to each other of happy ever after,’ he said. ‘But I really like you, Amy, and if it’s a choice of being with you and looking at alternatives for having a family, or not being with you, then I’m on the side of alternatives.’ He smiled at her. ‘And we’re not doing so badly with Hope. I’m beginning to think that her mum gave her exactly the right name, and also that you were right because the baby’s giving us the Christmas we both need. She’s brought us together and she’s giving us a chance to find happiness again—together.’

Amy thought about it. ‘Yes,’ she said.

‘So, you and me. No pressure. We’ll see where things take us.’

‘Sounds good to me,’ Amy said. And it felt as if spring flowers had just pushed through the ground to brighten up the days after a long, long winter.

* * *

Just before lunch, Jane the social worker rang. ‘How’s the baby doing?’ she asked.

‘Fine,’ Amy said. ‘She’s still got a bit of a temperature, but it’s going down.’

‘Good. So what’s this theory you’ve got about the baby’s mum?’

‘Hang on—let me put you on speaker phone so Josh can hear as well and chip in,’ Amy said. ‘We think she might be a girl in my form. I didn’t recognise the handwriting on the note because I don’t actually teach her, so there’s no reason for me ever to see her work or her writing.’

‘We did think about maybe going round to see her for a chat,’ Josh said.

‘No—it’s better to leave this to the authorities,’ Jane said, ‘especially if you don’t have any proof that it’s definitely her. What makes you think it’s her, Amy?’

‘She’s gone very quiet, lately. I did bring it up with her mum, who said it was because her new partner had moved in and Freya was having trouble adjusting to the idea of someone she saw trying to take her dad’s place.’ She paused. ‘Freya wears quite baggy clothes, not skinny trousers or anything. And because it’s winter it’s easier to hide a pregnancy under a baggy sweater.’

‘Does she look as if she’s put on weight?’

‘A little bit, but body image is a really sensitive area for teens, and I guessed she might be comfort-eating if she wasn’t happy at home,’ Amy said. ‘Drawing attention to it would only have made her feel worse, and the last thing I wanted was for her to start starving herself or taking diet pills. I was going to have a chat with her in the New Year.’ She paused. ‘I thought that might be why she kept rushing to the loo.’

‘But that’s also a symptom of late pregnancy,’ Josh said.

‘So how do we tackle this?’ Amy asked.

‘You don’t. I do it,’ Jane said. ‘Under the safeguarding rules, Amy, I know you can give me the contact information of a student you’re worried about, so can you tell me her name and address?’

Amy had accessed Freya’s school records earlier, and gave Jane the relevant details.

‘Thanks. I’ll liaise with the police, then do a preliminary visit and see if I can get any information,’ Jane said. ‘And thank you.’

‘Will you let me know how you get on?’ Amy asked.

‘I’m afraid any conversations I have will be confidential, unless I have Freya’s permission to talk to you,’ Jane said, sounding regretful.

‘We understand. But please tell her from us that the baby’s doing just fine and we’d be happy to send her a picture, or for her to come and visit Hope,’ Josh said. ‘And if she does turn out to be our missing mum, please persuade her to see a doctor to get checked over. She won’t be in trouble, but we need to be sure that she’s all right.’

‘I will,’ Jane promised.

Amy looked at Josh when she’d ended the call. ‘I really hope we’ve done the right thing.’

‘We have,’ he said. ‘Jane’s in a neutral position so, if our theory’s wrong, then Freya won’t be too embarrassed to walk into your form room next term. If it’s right, then Jane knows all the procedures and can get Freya the help she needs.’

‘I’d still rather go and see her myself,’ Amy said. ‘As you say, Jane’s neutral and she’s really nice, but she’s still a stranger. Surely Freya’s more likely to open up to me because she knows me?’

‘If our theory’s right, Freya left Hope with you because she trusted you to do the right thing and talk to the right people for her. Which you’ve done,’ Josh pointed out.

‘I guess.’

Hope woke; as soon as Amy picked her up, she could tell what the problem was. ‘Nappy. Super-bad nappy,’ she said.

‘Oh, great,’ Josh said with a sigh. ‘And it’s my turn to change her.’

‘I’m not arguing.’ Amy smiled and handed the baby over. Josh carried Hope to the bathroom. ‘Come on, Munchkin. Let’s sort you out.’

Josh was gone a very long time. And Amy could hear screaming, interspersed with him singing snatches of what sounded like every song that came into his head. Each one sounded slightly more desperate.

She was just about to go and see if she could do anything to help when he came back into the kitchen carrying a red-faced, still grizzly baby.

‘I was just about to come and see if you needed anything. Do I take it that it was really bad?’ she asked.

‘Let’s just say she needed a bath,’ he said grimly. ‘And she doesn’t like baths yet.’

‘Hence the screaming and the singing?’

‘Yeah.’ He blew out a breath. ‘I’m glad I’m not a teenager. After that nightmare in the bathroom just now, I’d be paranoid that my face was all it took to make any girl scream and run away.’

Amy couldn’t help laughing. ‘Hardly. You’re quite pretty.’

‘Pretty?’ He gave her a speaking look.

‘If you were a supply teacher at my school,’ she said, ‘you’d have gaggles of teenage girls hanging around the staff room every lunchtime in the hope of catching a glimpse of you.’

‘That,’ he said, ‘sounds scary. I think I’d rather deal with—wait for it...’ He adopted a pose and warbled to the tune of ‘The Twelve Days of Christmas’. ‘Five turkey carvers! Four black eyes, three throwing up, two broken ankles and a bead up a toddler’s nose.’

‘I ought to introduce you to our head of music,’ she said, laughing. ‘Between you, I can imagine you writing a panto about The Twelve Days of ED.’

‘Better believe it.’

‘So, what do you want to do this afternoon?’

‘It’s wet and miserable out there, and although Hope’s on the mend I’d rather not take her out, even though we’ve got the pram and snowsuit,’ Josh said.

‘Festive films on the sofa, then,’ she said.

He wrinkled his nose. ‘I feel a bit guilty, just slobbing around on the sofa.’

‘As you said, it’s not the weather for going out,’ she reminded him. ‘And you’ve had tough enough shifts to justify doing nothing for a day or so. Well, nothing but alternate feeds, changing the odd really vile nappy and singing songs to stop Hope crying.’

‘Well, if you put it that way...’ He stole a kiss. ‘Bring on the films.’

Snuggled up on the sofa with Josh and the baby, Amy had never felt more at peace. What had started off as a miserable Christmas was rapidly turning into one of the best Christmases ever.

‘Do you want me to take the sofa tonight?’ he asked when Hope had had her late evening feed.

‘I think we go for the same deal as last night,’ Amy said. ‘Except maybe this time we could change into pyjamas instead of sleeping in our clothes?’

‘Give me two minutes next door,’ he said.

And she burst out laughing when he returned in a pair of pyjamas covered in Christmas puddings. ‘That’s priceless. I’m almost tempted to take a snap of you wearing them and put it in Hope’s book.’

‘Absolutely not. These were my best friend’s wife’s idea of a joke,’ he said. ‘I don’t usually wear pyjamas. When they stayed at my flat after my housewarming, I ended up wearing a ratty old T-shirt and a pair of boxer shorts so I’d be decent, and she said I needed proper pyjamas for when I had guests. This is the only pair I own. And this is the first time I’ve worn them.’

Amy went hot all over at the thought of Josh, in bed with her, naked. All the words flew out of her head and she just said, flustered, ‘I, um...’

He took her hand and kissed the back of each finger in turn, then turned her hand over and pressed a kiss into the palm. ‘Don’t be flustered. There’s no pressure,’ he said, his voice low and husky and sexy as anything. ‘Let’s go to bed. Platonically.’

And he was as good as his word. No pressure. He simply curled his body round hers, wrapped his arm round her waist, and rested his cheek against her shoulder. And, as she fell asleep, Amy felt happier than she’d been in a long, long while.