Читать книгу A Family for Christmas - Kate Welsh - Страница 9

Trent’s heart thundered, echoing in his head. None of this is happening, his mind screamed. But there was no waking from this living nightmare. Maggie stared up at him, pushing her dark chestnut hair behind her ear, her deep brown eyes wide and expectant. It hurt just being in the room with her, knowing he couldn’t even reach out and touch her, yet wanting—no, needing to. And to have her look at him with so much hope and anxiety nearly destroyed his control

He turned away.

And his gaze came to rest on little Rachel across the room in a play center, rocking the tattered baby doll that had been her constant companion since her first birthday. There she sat, a sweet child, loving that doll as if it were still clean and pretty, fresh from the box. He blinked away sudden burning in his eyes. His parents would destroy that sweetness and throw that “disgraceful thing” in the trash. He knew because he remembered his own fury when one day just after he’d started school his own blue bear had disappeared.

And Mickey. If he didn’t improve, they’d see him as “damaged.” Trent would never forget overhearing his mother railing at Michael’s fourth-grade teacher for suggesting that he was learning disabled. “My son is not damaged! You are just an inferior teacher,” she’d told the woman. And poor Michael had stood there with her, hearing it all and knowing that his teacher was right: he didn’t learn the way the others did. And so he began to view himself as damaged. The trouble started just after that fateful day.

No. His parents wouldn’t be good for these kids. They would destroy them one day—one subtle cruelty at a time. Even he would be better because he understood the damage idle words could cause. And he’d watch everything he said around the children. He would never let down his guard. He knew he’d never find it in himself to be a real father to them, but he would make sure he was never cruel.

So it’s decided, then. He and Maggie would become their guardians together. He turned back into the room. Doubt assailed him once again. How would he deal with Maggie? He’d loved her so deeply, and yet he’d been unable to give her what she wanted most. Children. And so she’d left him. Telling him without words that a long-dead dream was more important than their love for each other.

But now she’ll have both, a traitorous voice whispered. And you can have her back. He suddenly ached to be able to forget his current anguish, in her arms. But the day she’d left with tears in her eyes, he’d sworn never to let her return. Never again to open his heart to that kind of pain. And never to inflict it on Maggie, either.

Because, as hurt as he had been by her decision, he’d known she suffered as well. He’d lived with that pain for years, knowing all the while that it was his fault, that he was keeping her from fulfilling her dreams of having children.

He’d grown up knowing his parents didn’t love him. And it had been fear during those years that had held him back. Fear that, never having received love as a boy, he would not know how to give love to a child. And he’d been right to be afraid, because now he found he had no idea how to be a loving parent.

Trent knew not only how an unloved child felt, but the pain of knowing he’d been adopted and that his real parents hadn’t wanted him, either. He’d also been burdened by the knowledge that his parents didn’t even see him as a part of their family. It was a shame he’d carried nearly his whole life.

He’d been about to enter junior high when he’d come downstairs late one night to raid the refrigerator. He’d heard his parents discussing sending him away to boarding school…

“I just keep looking at Trenton, wondering what to do with him, Royce.”

“There’s only one answer. Ruxley is an excellent school.”

“It seems so unfair, sending him and not Michael. But I can’t let Michael go away. There is simply no way I will.”

“Still, that’s no reason to keep Trenton here,” his father said. “The instructors there will know what to do with a boy like him to bring out all his potential.”

“And who knows what his potential is? His mother and father couldn’t have been Rhodes scholars considering their poor backgrounds.”

“Albertine, it’s too soon to see if heredity or environment will tell with him.”

His mother laughed bitterly. “You don’t need to remind me. Michael is our biological child, and he’s already nothing like either of us.”

“Have you given any more thought to having another child?”

“I spoke with Mother. She believes that only animals have more than two children. She said that even if we were willing to let people know Trenton is adopted, another child would still be out of the question. She’s always thought we were foolish to adopt him, and now she’s gloating.” His mother sighed. “So even though medically having another child is now an option, I’ve decided to just devote my time to Michael.”

“It’s your decision, of course,” his father said, but he sounded annoyed.

His mother typically ignored the censure in her husband’s tone. “Yes, it is. I’ll, of course, leave the decision about Trenton to your discretion. If you want to send him away to Ruxley, then I have no objections, but I won’t hear of it for Michael. It may actually be better for him if we do send Trenton to boarding school.”

“I understand your feelings about Michael. I’ll tell Trenton in the morning.”

“Fine. And Royce, try to present this as an exciting opportunity and not punishment and exile.…”

Trent hadn’t waited to hear more. When his father called him to his study the next day, Trent hadn’t let on that he knew Ruxley was indeed punishment and exile, and not the honor they claimed. And he’d never let them know that he knew about his adoption, fearing that they would then reject him altogether and he would lose Mike from his life as well.

That overheard conversation had been a defining moment in Trent’s life. He’d understood at last why they treated him so differently from his brother. Cold as they were to Mike at times, they’d never sent him away. They’d been there to get him out of scrape after scrape. Of course, Michael had characterized their attention as so intense it was smothering. But at least it had been attention.

They certainly hadn’t smothered Trent. In fact, they hadn’t even bothered to come to his high school, college or graduate school graduations. The day he’d stood addressing his fellow students as Stanford’s valedictorian with no family in the audience, he’d silently vowed that he would never have children. He knew that people usually treat their own children the way they’ve been treated, and he feared he’d do just that.

Then he’d met Maggie. And had fallen head over heels in love with her. He’d loved her so much that he’d fooled himself into believing he’d be able to love a child of that love as much as he did her. But Maggie had been busy establishing her career, and so they’d decided to wait for their first child. For five years Maggie had looked forward to the day when she’d made enough of a name for herself as an interior designer that she could cut her hours and work from home, caring for their baby. The delay, however, had given Trent’s doubts long enough to creep in, and deep inside he’d become afraid again that he wouldn’t know how to love a child. To his shame, he’d been relieved when Maggie had been unable to conceive even with the help of fertility experts. Everything had been working out just fine.

Then she’d brought up the idea of adoption, and panic had overwhelmed him. He had known he’d fail an innocent child as his parents had failed him. He’d told her no—he didn’t believe in adoption. He would not adopt and raise someone else’s child. Though he hadn’t failed some unknown child, he had ultimately failed Maggie and himself. And all because he hadn’t been able to open his heart to her about the real reason for his stand: his shame of being so unlovable to both sets of his parents that no one had loved him as a child. No one had shown him how to love children.

And he’d stood just as firm about reconciliation. Better not to hurt each other again and again over needs and shortcomings neither could change. He’d gone against his every instinct and need by pushing Maggie away when she’d changed her mind about trying again to make their marriage work.

But now there was this—this unbearable tragedy. Mike and Sarah were really gone. He’d just come from viewing their bodies. And now, apparently, his parents wanted the children. Another tragedy in the making.

Trent looked up, his decision suddenly made. He saw Ed looking at him expectantly. “Stop the divorce,” he said. “We’ll put it back together. Maggie and the kids can move into that Victorian monstrosity Sarah talked Mike into, if that’s what you think would look best. But don’t expect me to—”

“Hold it right there, Trent,” Ed interrupted. “I’ll get right on halting the divorce action, but I shouldn’t hear about anything less than complete reconciliation. I need to have a clear conscience if we have to go head-to-head with your parents in court. And in that case, you’d better have a complete family unit to present to the judge. Your parents aren’t so advanced in years that a judge wouldn’t hand those kids over to them if he thought you and Maggie were providing an unhealthy home environment. Take my word for it, living in an armed camp would be construed as unhealthy.”

Trent pursed his lips and nodded, knowing Ed walked a fine line being both his counsel and friend. “I was only going to say not to expect me to be home every night. I’ll have to keep the apartment in the city. Late-night meetings and long drives home aren’t a good combination, especially if you add long workdays and icy streets in the winter.”

“You two can work out the details, but I’d advise you to think about cutting those long hours at least a little. And Maggie, what do you intend to do about your job? Have you thought about it at all?”

“I enjoy my work and the challenge it presents, but I think four children under the age of nine will be challenge enough for some time to come, don’t you?”

Trent couldn’t believe his ears. Maggie loved her job. Even when they’d been trying to have a child of their own, she’d never intended to give up her career completely. “But you worked so hard to get where you are,” he said, not understanding how she could have reached her apparent decision so quickly. “I can’t let you give all that up. You need to think this through. We’ll hire someone to help with the children. Mike and I had a nanny until I went away to school.”

“I’m not averse to hiring someone to help with housework and cooking, but not a nanny. You and your brother hadn’t lost your parents, and considering the ones you had, a nanny was probably the best thing to ever happen to you. These children have lost the most important people in their lives, and they’re going to need all the love and attention they can get for a good long time. I intend to be there to give it to them. It’s a done deal, Trent. I already resigned before I left the office yesterday.”

Trent stiffened. Why didn’t she seem upset by the sacrifice of a career that had taken over a decade to build? Because it isn’t a sacrifice! He’d lost his brother, but she had just been handed everything she’d always wanted on a silver platter. “A house in the country. Children. And me. This is just perfect for you, isn’t it?” he sneered. “A real win-win situation.”

“Trent!” Ed gasped.

Trent lost control of all he’d felt in the past twentyfour hours. Deaf to the outrage in his friend’s voice and blind to the horror written on Maggie’s lovely features, he let it all boil forth—the pain, the anguish, the confusion. “You were awfully sure of what my decision would be regarding Mike’s kids. Suppose I’d decided to take them myself and hire a nanny.”

Pale and shaken, Maggie squared her shoulders. “I wasn’t at all sure what you’d decide to do. I was only sure that I’d do what Sarah and Michael wanted me to do—which was be a mother to their children. Nothing and no one is going to stop me from fulfilling that promise. Not even you. And for the record, both Sarah and Michael were a very important part of my life. I grew up with Sarah as a sister. They were the only friends who stood by me these last months. I’ve lost, too, Trent. You aren’t the only one grieving.”

Ed stood, his anger obvious. “I think I’ll go keep Rachel company. Distract her. Work this out between you. I won’t be surprised if Royce and Albertine sail in here any minute now, so you probably don’t have a lot of time. Trent, you have to find a way to put the past aside and look toward the future. This kind of atmosphere will destroy those kids. And your parents aren’t stupid. They’ll spot any lingering animosity from a mile away and then figure out a way to prove it’s there to a judge. Talk this out…and fast.”

Trent suddenly felt as if the weight of the world were pressing down on his shoulders. He sank into the chair Ed had vacated next to Maggie. Elbows on his knees he stared at his hands. He couldn’t even believe he’d thought those things of Maggie, let alone said them. Overwhelmed by the magnitude of all that had happened, his eyes filled. “I’m sorry. That was uncalled for.”

“And I’m sorry for all that’s happened,” she whispered. Maggie moved to sit in front of him on a small glass coffee table. She took his hands between hers. He closed his eyes, absorbing the feelings her touch evoked—the comfort, the closeness, the need. He didn’t feel so alone now. “I know how much you loved Michael,” she went on. “And Sarah. And I know it’s terribly hard to deal with us on top of your grief. But we have to. We’re the adults in this situation, and those kids are counting on us. Michael and Sarah are, too.”

Trent nodded. “I know. It’s just so hard to even think clearly right now. I really didn’t mean what I said.”

“It’s true that I’ve prayed and prayed for the Lord to find a way to bring us back together. I told you that just last week, so I can’t deny it. But not like this, Trent. Never like this. Believe me, if living alone on some mountaintop for the rest of my life and never seeing you again would bring those two strolling through that door over there, I’d have started packing yesterday. But life just doesn’t always come with room for bargaining.”

Deeply ashamed of his outburst, Trent nodded. “I truly didn’t mean it. Any of it. You know that, don’t you? I don’t even know why I said it.” He looked up into Maggie’s sad smile.

“You said it because you’re hurting. You only get angry when you’re hurting,” she told him and squeezed his hands. He could almost have sworn he felt strength flow from her to him. “Try to think of them happy in heaven. It’ll help.”

Trent blinked, startled. “You really believe that?”

“Oh, yes.” She smiled again in that sad, sort of wistful way, but it was a smile nonetheless. Where did her strength come from?

Could it be from God? “It’s what Mike believed, I know.” Trent stared at their hands but his thoughts were of Mike. He’d gotten deeply into religion and his church. He’d always been a little weak—religion was sort of a crutch, after all. It had changed Mike for the better, though. There was no denying that. What this Jesus thing had done for his little brother was nothing short of a miracle, but Trent didn’t need a miracle. He was intelligent, responsible and a success in the business world. But then, so was Maggie. So how had she gotten sucked into that church of theirs?

“Maybe we don’t have to deal with our situation right now, after all,” Maggie suggested. “For now, let’s just deal with the logistics of the changes we need to make in our lives, and take care of what the kids need.”

Not him for a father, that was for sure, Trent thought. “Maggie, I won’t be a father to those kids. I’m their uncle and I love them like an uncle. I’ll support them financially. I’ll be to them what I always have been, but I won’t try to be their father. I’ll come to the house at night when I can. Spend Saturdays doing the suburban home-owner routine when I’m not away on business. But that’s it. Don’t ask for more. Because more just isn’t in me.”

Maggie took his face between her hands. “You just be the best uncle you know how to be, and it’ll be better than most kids get in a father. I know it’ll be better than what you and Michael had. That’s for sure. And I promise to be here to help any way you need me.”

Trent stared into her eyes, humbled as always. Maggie had always had a bottomless well of confidence in him. In fact, she’d left him because he’d refused to try to live up to her expectations. He hoped she was right. He hoped he could give the kids enough as their uncle. Because he was trapped. And as always, Mike was counting on him.

Grief, stunning and overwhelming, suddenly crashed in on him, crushing him. Maggie’s form blurred as tears filled his eyes. Trent instinctively blinked them back, but something drove him to reach for Maggie, pulling her into his arms. In his grief, he forgot every need having her close would normally elicit. His throat ached. “How can this be happening? How? He always landed on his feet. Why not this time?”

“Really, Trenton,” a female voice interrupted. “Get hold of yourself. You’re making a public spectacle. I thought at least we’d taught you better about that.”

Maggie stiffened, and Trent opened his eyes to stare over her shoulder at the couple in the doorway. So, they’d arrived, just as Ed had thought they would. Both dressed in gray, they looked as impeccable as always. And rigid. And haughty. Not exactly the ideal attributes in parents or grandparents. Rachel’s chatter to Ed stopped, and Trent spit out an oath as he set Maggie away and stood.

“Actually, Mother, showing honest emotions like grief is not generally considered a spectacle these days, and as you can see we have the room to ourselves. We were all family here,” he added pointedly.

“Other than your mother and me, the only family members here are you and the girl,” his father said. “We need to talk without outsiders present.”

Maggie stood as if to leave, but Trent wrapped his arm around her waist. “Maggie is my wife, Father. She is family. My family. And Ed stays because we have nothing to say to either of you unless our lawyer is present”

“Trenton, that is hardly necessary. After all, we are all interested in what is best for the children,” his mother countered.

“That’s why I don’t intend to allow either of you to have any say whatsoever in their futures. That’s what Mike specified in his will, and I intend to see his and Sarah’s wishes are carried out.”

Royce Osborne’s cold gray eyes bored into him, but Trent refused to let him see how much he wished their relationship could be different. He supposed children never stopped wanting their parents’ approval, even years after they stopped trying to win it.

“You can’t hope to win against us in court,” Royce said.

“Why? Ed’s a top-notch attorney. And he wrote an ironclad will.”

“Because you and your wife are about to be divorced. What do you intend to do with the children? Raise them alone? Our lawyer assures us that no court in the land will give those children to a single man with a demanding career.”

Trent frowned. “Alone? Where did you get the idea that I’d even consider raising the children without my wife? Maggie’s already handed in her resignation so she can be with them full time.”

“You’re about to be divorced! Do you intend to split custody? You can’t really believe the court will side with you and allow that?” Royce sneered.

“Actually the divorce is old news. Maggie and I have been talking about a reconciliation for a while, now.” Trent felt Maggie stiffen. It wasn’t really a lie. They had been talking about it for weeks. He’d rejected the idea time and again, but his parents didn’t need to know that.

“I knew she came to see you last week, but from what I hea—” His mother cut herself off midword.

And where would she hear anything about us? Trent wondered. He’d have asked, but as the thought occurred to him Maggie gave a subtle nod toward the other side of the room. Rachel was staring from the play center at them. “I really have no more to say on the subject,” he said at once, seeing Rachel detach herself from Ed and start toward them.

“Uncle Trent!” Rachel called as she ran across the room. “Cindy had a nightmare.” She climbed up on the chair next to him and handed him Cindy, the wellloved baby doll.

His mother gasped and recoiled. “Good heavens I’m surprised the nurses didn’t burn that filthy thing!”

Rachel clamped herself to his waist, and Trent defiantly took the doll and put it on his shoulder, giving it a pat and kiss. Rachel beamed up at him, her big brown eyes alight with gratitude, and took back her lifelong treasure with a huge hug. Without sparing her grandparents more than a glance, Rachel went back to Ed, selecting yet another book on the way.

“She’s completely undisciplined and rude!” his mother gasped.

“Albertine, shouldn’t you be grateful that Rachel has settled down so well?” Maggie asked quietly. “The accident was very traumatic for her, and she spent all of last night in a very bad state.”

“There is no excuse for rudeness. She interrupted adults in the middle of a conversation. I can see you’d be no better at parenting those children than Michael and his wife were. That is precisely why I want a hand in raising our grandchildren.”

Trent had had enough. He pitched his voice low so he’d be sure Rachel couldn’t hear. “That child saw her mother’s dead body pulled from that wreckage. This morning Maggie had to tell her Mike had died as well. I’d think that’s all the excuse she needs to be a little rude. For crying out loud, Mother, she’s six-and-a-half years old!” He paused, wondering if anything he’d said had cracked their icy control. It hadn’t. His parents just stared at him blankly. “Your son is dead,” he tried again. “Can’t you even show emotion over that? Don’t you care?”

Royce narrowed his eyes. “Of course we care but Michael had all but cut us out of. his life since his marriage. I don’t know why it surprised us. He never lived up to his potential. He became an auto mechanic, for pity’s sake. We barely saw him these past years. What did you expect us to feel?”

Trent felt ready to explode, but Maggie’s hand moved over his back—soothing, comforting. “Nothing. I don’t expect you to feel anything. You never have. Why should this be any different? I think you should leave. You don’t belong here,” he told them.

“Trenton—” his mother began.

“Now, Mother.” Trent’s voice was steely. “Or I’m going to make a scene the likes of which will visit you in your nightmares for years.”

“We came to see the children,” Royce demanded.

“The children are awfully fragile right now, Royce,” Maggie warned.

“Maggie’s right,” Trent added. “They are fragile. Too fragile to deal with virtual strangers. Please, just go back home. No good will come from your being here. Someone will let you know what the funeral arrangements are.”

“Since I’m certain they’ll have something to do with those fanatics who meet in that converted barn, we’ll just see you in court,” his father said. Nearly identical frowns in place, they turned as one and left.

Ed approached from the other end of the large room. “Not a pretty sight,” he murmured. “Did that go as badly as it looked?”

Trent sighed. “They won’t be at the funeral, and they’ll see us in court.”