Читать книгу One More Kiss - Katherine Garbera - Страница 9

JAY LEANED BACK in his chair, lacing his fingers over his chest. Granted, she couldn’t see his eyes in the growing darkness, but still she felt the weight of his gaze on her. He looked aloof and dangerous and though she knew he wouldn’t hurt her she felt that he wanted to keep the world at bay.

“So … how did you start a bakery?” he asked.

“With a lot of loans from the bank,” she replied with a wry grin. Her parents had offered to help by cosigning but she’d refused. After the debacle of her “marriage” to Jay she’d needed to do something on her own.

“Was it hard?” he asked.

“You have no idea,” she said.

“That’s why I’m asking,” he said. “The woman I married was looking for a family and wanted to settle down.”

“Well, that didn’t work out, did it?” she asked.

She was starting to feel annoyed. She had enjoyed Jay’s company, but a part of her hadn’t wanted to. She wanted Jay to have turned into some kind of jerk so she could stand up and walk away. Instead he’d been nice and kept the conversation going when all she wanted was … well, some awkward silences.

“No, it didn’t. So tell me, what happened? I want to know what I missed,” he said.

She tried studying him. The new him. But memories of the old him were bonded deep within her. She felt vulnerable and unsure. She pulled her sunglasses off the top of her head and put them on.

“I started doing bakery competitions in the area and winning some of them. Then I was invited to be a part of Good Morning Los Angeles’s cooking segment and gained some notoriety that way. But there was another cupcake girl, Staci, and we kept bumping into each other. And one thing led to another until one night, after a few too many margaritas, I found myself agreeing to be her partner and open a bakery with her.”

He just continued watching her and she fiddled with her fork. She didn’t like his attention on her because she didn’t want to feel even a bit of attraction for him. But it was crazy to try to deny it. She did want him.

There was something exciting about him—there always had been. He exuded male confidence, and he had from the moment he’d walked up to her at the roulette table and teasingly asked her for a kiss. She’d given it to him and he’d placed all his money on the table and won. He’d called her his lucky charm and spent the rest of that night and the next four days wining and dining her. He’d made her feel as if she was the most beautiful and exciting woman in the world.

And she’d heard the saying “older and wiser” but somehow, where he was concerned, she wasn’t any wiser. She wanted to walk over to him, turn him away from the table and straddle his lap while she kissed him long and deep.

“Margaritas, eh?” he asked.

“I’ve got to lay off the margaritas,” she said, trying to sound wry but knowing she just sounded a little pathetic. It was after a night of drinking one too many strawberry margaritas that she’d agreed to marry Jay.

“I don’t know about that. Sweet Dreams seems to have paid off,” he said. “And everyone’s heard of your bakery. Although it wasn’t what I’d expected.”

“What did you expect?” she asked.

He shrugged and looked away from her. “I don’t know. I was kind of hoping you’d be waiting for me to come back.”

“You left me,” she said, not able to keep the incredulity out of her voice. “And I divorced you, remember?”

“I know. It was a fantasy,” he admitted. “I knew you wouldn’t be. You have a very strong sense of self. I think that is part of what made me leave. You had your own dreams. Your own desires.”

She nodded at him. She didn’t want to travel or be a military man’s wife. Her life had been rooted here in Southern California long before she’d opened Sweet Dreams.

“You surprised me, Alysse. You still do. I’m very proud of your success even though I know I have no right to be.”

She picked up her glass and took a dainty mouthful of wine. Trying for an attitude of sophistication she didn’t really feel at this moment. “If you hadn’t left me … I wouldn’t have the bakery. So I guess I owe you some thanks for that.”

She hadn’t gone to a therapist after what had happened but she had started reading a lot of self-help books. At first she kept waiting for him to walk back into her life and then after three months of that kind of hopelessness, she’d decided she needed to move on. All her life she’d had a plan for herself and it had always involved a white knight riding in and scooping her up on his horse. It was odd, but she’d always wanted to be lifted onto a horse by a big, strong warrior man and carried out of her dull ordinary life.

After Jay … it was clear that no white knight was coming and that her warrior man was just a man with issues and flaws. She’d also come to the realization that her man hadn’t had the same dream of a life together that she’d had. So she’d had to readjust. And baking, not to mention graduating from cooking school, had helped her do that.

Now, she was self-supporting and happy with her career. She could easily see herself owning Sweet Dreams and baking for the rest of her life. That thought often made her smile when she was feeling alone.

But Jay was back and he was offering her a chance to mend her broken heart and finally reclaim a little of her feminine pride. Though she’d never admit it out loud, having him leave her the way he had had made her doubt her own attractiveness to the opposite sex. Had made her wonder if she had some kind of flaw that she’d never noticed before.

“Alysse?” he asked in that deep voice, reminiscent of the way he’d sounded on the phone this afternoon when he’d pleaded with her to deliver the dessert.

“Hmm?”

“I asked if you were done with your salad. The waiter wants to clear our plates and bring out dinner,” he said.

“Yes, I am. Sorry about that,” she said. She really needed to stop daydreaming and pay attention. This was Jay Michener and he wouldn’t hesitate to use any weakness he spotted against her. She knew him well enough to know he was back here to win. “I was lost in the past.”

“I understand that,” he said. “I’ve spent a lot of time in the past.”

The waiter cleared the table and laid down the dinner plates. He removed the covers and she saw that there was a pan-seared tuna with a creamy risotto and asparagus. It smelled heavenly and she stared at her plate, trying to make the evening about food instead of about the past. But she knew that was a lie.

The waiter offered cracked black pepper and refilled their wineglasses before leaving. She stared at the empty beach. The sun still shone but it wasn’t very bright.

“Alysse?”

“Yes?” she asked. It was silly to still be wearing sunglasses, she thought as she focused on Jay’s face.

“Are you okay?”

“No,” she said. “I’m not. This is the most surreal night of my entire life and that’s counting the night I married a stranger.”

His mouth tightened but then he relaxed his shoulders. “I guess I’m glad it’s not boring for you.”

Just that one sentence shocked her and made her smile. Then she started laughing though it wasn’t that funny and she felt the sting of tears and the very real urge to start crying. Damn. She turned her head away from him, pushed her sunglasses up on top of her head and wiped her eyes.

“You do know how to show a girl an interesting time,” she said. “What have you been up to?”

“Fighting,” he said. “That’s what I do.”

She arched one eyebrow at him. That was almost too straightforward, especially for Jay.

“Sorry. It’s on a T-shirt that a guy in my unit gave me last Christmas.”

“Oh,” she said, realizing there was a possibility of him having a life outside the Corps. “I have one that says ‘I dream in dark chocolate.’”

He smiled and they started eating. She gave Jay props for keeping the conversation light and she found him charming. Too charming as he recounted some humorous pranks he’d played on his buddies. That was how he referred to them. No names or any other identifiers.

“Why don’t you call them by their name?” she asked as they were finishing up dinner.

“I don’t know why, I just think of them as they are, like sniper-scout. He’s the fourth one I’ve been paired with since I’ve been in the Corps.”

“What does he do exactly?” she asked.

“He’s my partner in the field. He helps me sight the target by gauging wind and other factors. He’s got my back, you know?”

She shook her head. “In the movies, snipers are always loners, but it doesn’t seem like you are.”

He shrugged again and she noticed the way his massive shoulders moved. He was still in top form, with muscles bulging under that black T-shirt of his. “Sort of. We work in pairs but because of burnout and other issues we don’t always develop deep bonds. I’d work alone if I could.”

“Why?” she asked, putting her silverware down to concentrate on what he was saying. To be honest, his answer didn’t surprise her. There had always been something solitary about him, even in Vegas when he’d been on leave.

“That way I don’t have to depend on anyone but myself.”

She tipped her head to the side to consider him. “Was that why you left me?”

“I have no idea. I’ve never been a coward, but walking away from you was the only thing I could do.”

“Why? Because you didn’t want to have to depend on me?” she asked.

“No,” he said, putting his sunglasses back down over his eyes. “I didn’t want you to depend on me and then let you down.”

JAY DIDN’T LIKE admitting his weaknesses out loud but he knew that lying to Alysse wasn’t going to win him any favors. He’d planned what he’d say and how he’d say it, but he hadn’t been able to plan for her reactions.

She was hard to get a bead on tonight as she was both angry and sad and at times almost relaxed. And seeing her behavior tonight made him wonder if he should have just stayed gone. Selfishly, for his own peace of mind, he’d had to see her again.

He’d had to try to make things right. He wasn’t a complex man and Lord knew he didn’t have any real idea of how a relationship should work, but having seen his buddies and their wives, Jay knew that it was possible for a guy to be a soldier and have a life outside the Corps.

“So you decided just to let me down and get it over with.”

In this respect she was right, although there had been so much more to the decision. Now he was paying for it. He wondered sometimes if he’d be just better off staying to himself. His dad had always said he was a lone wolf who wasn’t fit for socializing and at times like this Jay believed that. “I think we’ve both gone around this long enough. Tell me more about the woman you are today.”

She took a swallow of her wine and then gave him a half smile. He couldn’t stop staring at her mouth. She’d had some kind of lipstick on earlier, but during the meal it had worn off. And left just the natural color of her lips, which brought an image to his mind of her tight nipples.

Damn. He wanted her.

“I work, I meet friends at the beach, I go to my parents’ house for dinner. I have a normal life.”

“Are you happy?” he asked.

“Most of the time. What are you trying to ask me?”

“Am I screwing your life up again by coming back?” he asked, being as blunt as he could. “I didn’t think that you would be so—”

She laughed quietly, and this time not with the strained quality she’d had before. “So … what?”

“So real,” he said at last.

“How did you expect me to be?” she asked. Then she leaned her elbows on the table and looked him straight in the eye. “Vegas wasn’t real for either of us.”

“I know that now, but I didn’t at the time,” he admitted. He’d been seduced by the lights of Vegas and that attitude the city had of everything seeming possible. He’d felt the pull of Alysse so strongly he hadn’t thought beyond his time there and having her in his arms. And that had been a mistake because he’d ignored the fact that he wasn’t the kind of guy that women liked having around. His own mother had proven that point a long time ago.

Alysse put both hands on the table and continued looking at him. He knew she couldn’t see his eyes but he wondered what she was searching for in his face. He knew he was very good at not giving up anything, but he still wished that maybe she’d find whatever it was she needed to see.

“Why? Even I knew it was just a fantasy,” she said.

“I didn’t. If I don’t have a weapon in my hand and a target in my sights I don’t know what’s real,” he explained.

She sat back in her chair and he knew he hadn’t given her the answer she’d been wanting. Still, he didn’t have any explanation other than the truth. “Why did you take a chance on me if you knew that Vegas was all lights and make-believe?”

She tucked a strand of her long pretty hair behind her ear and nibbled on her lower lip. “I thought … I thought that after the glitter of Vegas faded away we’d still have the connection. I thought we’d formed a bond so quickly because it was real.”

Fair enough, he thought. Both of them were living their own fantasy and their perceptions had led to … him leaving. Not her actions, she couldn’t have been more perfectly suited to him during that weekend.

“Where do we go from here?” she asked.

“We’re going to date. Real dating. To see if our bond was real,” he said.

Alysse shook her head and pushed back from the table. She paced to the edge of the cabana where she looked out at the shore. Waves gently lapped on the beach.

He stood up and walked over to her, putting his hand on her shoulder. She shrugged his hand away and he realized for the hundredth time what a monumental task he’d set for himself.

“What are you thinking?” he asked.

“That I’m not sure I can do this,” she said. “I know that I have said that before but the more time I spend with you, the harder it is to remember that I have moved on.”

Her words cut him, but he knew that they shouldn’t. He was lucky she’d stayed for dinner. He knew each date would be a test to pass, he thought. That was motivation enough. It gave him something to focus on, something concrete that didn’t make him feel so unsure.

“We are going to figure this out. If for no other reason than that we both need to resolve what happened.”

“How do you mean?”

“I don’t want to be the man who hurt you and you don’t want to be the woman with the broken heart.”

She pursed her lips as she turned and looked at him.

“It’s the truth.”

“Yes, it is. I just don’t want it to be. But you’re right, I need something that only you can give me, and I’m going to be ruthless about taking it, Jay. I won’t make this easy for you.”

He smiled and felt something tight in his chest relax. “I wouldn’t want you any other way.”

“Do you want me?” she asked. “Or do you just want a version of me? This isn’t Vegas. I’m not going to have time to just lie in bed with you and have sex all day.”

He hardened at the thought of that. That was one of his fantasies, but he also wanted more from her than the physical. Their bond had started with light flirting and kisses that he still didn’t quite believe were real. No one had ever tasted as good as Alysse or had fitted into his arms just the way she did.

“Who said anything about sex?” he asked.

She closed the gap between the two of them. He held himself still as she ran her finger down the center of his chest, poking him. “This entire setup is about seduction and we both know it. So give me the truth, Marine.”

He took a deep breath. “I don’t know how to handle you without the sex,” he said. “In bed I know what I’m doing and … well, it makes our relationship a lot easier.”

“That’s not a relationship,” she said.

“I know. Believe me, if it was we’d still be together and the last few years would have been much different.”

She smiled at him. “I don’t understand you, Jay.”

He didn’t understand himself. This crossroads had started in the desert sand but it was turning into a crisis inside him. Something that he had to resolve, or he knew he’d end up just as bitter and lonely as his old man had been. Having a chance at happiness with Alysse—he knew he couldn’t, wouldn’t, give that up.

“I don’t either, but we can do something about it,” he said.

“You are very confident about this.”

“It’s the only plan I’ve got. I’m kind of invested in making it work.”

She nodded. “Things are going to be different this time.”

“I get that,” he said.

“Good. I’m not the passive person I used to be.”

He laughed that she said that with a straight face. “You are so far from passive. From the beginning you had me wrapped around your little finger.”

“Did I?” she asked. “It felt the other way around to me.”

In that instant he knew that the bond they’d formed had its grounding in something beyond just sex. He had always known it deep inside because she’d never left his thoughts even when they had half the world between them. But she’d made him very aware that the feelings weren’t one-sided. And that gave him more hope than he probably deserved.

THE WAITER LIT the tiki torches near them and delivered a coffee service. She glanced at her watch, knowing she should be leaving, but she didn’t want to go just yet. Jay made her feel as if this was the first day of the rest of her life.

She wanted it to be worth something. She thought about how one-sided her life had been since she’d started working at the bakery. How when she went to the beach to play volleyball with her friends and family she always felt like the odd person out because everyone else had a partner and she was afraid to risk herself again.

Jay had stolen a little of that happiness from her and she wanted it back. She wanted everything life had to offer and the only way she would get that would be to take it back.

Jay had been right when he’d said she wasn’t passive. She liked to pretend she was easygoing and just went with the flow, but truly, she was determined to have everything her own way.

And maybe Jay had sensed that and he’d left her because he knew she wasn’t going to be content just to let him be her lover and rule her life the way he had that week in Vegas. She had changed in the last five years and she hadn’t even realized how much until she’d been sitting across from him at dinner. She wanted things now that she hadn’t understood were important back then.

It was humbling to discover that though she’d felt so adult and grown up in Vegas she was only now catching on to how much she still had to learn. It had been easy to fall for Jay because she’d never really lost before. Were her expectations too high? Not high enough?

“Come back and sit down,” he said.

She nodded and returned to the table. No matter how much she wanted to run away and leave him she knew she wasn’t going to do it until she’d gotten some more information from him.

“What are you thinking about?”

“Just wondering how difficult the last few years have been for you,” she said.

“Not too bad,” he answered. “A lot of routine and discipline.”

“Do you like the routine?”

“Love it. In the Corps there are rules and if you follow them you get the expected results.”

“Just like baking,” she said.

He chuckled and she caught her breath as she recognized just how handsome he was when he smiled. She stared at him and noticed again the new cut above his lip. Just a small scar, not recent, but it hadn’t been there the last time she’d seen him.