Читать книгу Notoriously Dapper - Kelvin Davis - Страница 7

“You can pay for school but you can’t buy class.”

- Jay-Z

Living in the modern world with new ways of communicating and interacting can be a bit stressful. Back in the 1950’s, people didn’t have to worry about cell phones, social media, and the heavy tension the media causes in our society. Men in that day behaved differently because of the time period, although I’m sure there were jerks then as there are now. What’s the difference now? Well, the difference is that everything we say and do can be put on the internet for the whole world to see in just a matter of seconds. That’s the downfall and beauty of living in a digital age. We all know that racism, sexism, and bigotry existed before the technological era, but it was easier to ignore, because we never experienced it the way we do now in this digital day and age. Everything from the way we communicate to the way we live has been redefined over time, so it’s only natural that the term “Gentleman” has to be redefined as well.

What is a Gentleman? Do they exist? How do I spot one in this modern day? These are all questions people ask themselves and others daily. Acting in a gentlemanly way has become so rare that a lot people mistake it for flirting or being creepy. What’s so creepy about buying someone’s coffee with no intention of wanting anything in return? Nothing is creepy about it. What’s creepy is that people have become so accustomed to others always having ulterior motives that they can’t simply appreciate a gentleman’s nice gesture. And don’t get me wrong, you don’t have to buy a stranger coffee to be a gentleman. What makes you a gentleman in the modern day is simply being thoughtful, aware, loving, understanding, tolerant, and KIND! It’s hard to be considered a gentleman if you are lacking any of these qualities. So I’m going to break down each characteristic and give you some examples. Most of these examples are true situations from my life or that of someone I know. Brace yourself, ‘cause it’s about to get real for you ladies and fellas.

“Thoughtful” by definition means showing consideration for the needs of other people. The key word in there is OTHER people – which is someone other than your damn self. Don’t be selfish and always think about what you want, need, and deserve. Believe it or not, others, especially your loved ones, have wants and needs and are deserving. We all have parents or guardians who looked after us when we were growing up and being foolish. It’s not till we get older that we see the sacrifices, hard work, and thoughtfulness they always were demonstrating. All the days when bills were stacked up to their head, work was at an all-time high, and they were full of frustration, their only concern was making sure you were taken care of and happy. As a father, I now understand more of what it is to be thoughtful. It’s not about me; it’s about them (my daughters). It’s about their smiles, their tears, their fears, and their needs – not mine. It’s your job as a gentleman to showcase this type of thoughtfulness so we can build better communities for our children. Being thoughtful is more than just looking after people you know. Helping strangers can go a long way.

I was taking my family to go grab some dinner from Five Guys. While driving, I hit this major pothole – it flattened my front passenger tire and bent my back passenger rim up pretty bad. I pulled over to take a look at the damage, and then started getting the supplies out to change my tire. While I was changing my tire, a man who lives across the street came over and asked me if I needed help. I said, “Yeah, I do. My lug wrench is stripped and it won’t latch on.” He then not only stopped mowing his lawn to get me a lug wrench, but he brought out something to drink for me, and for my wife and girls, because it was clearly hot outside and I was sweating it up trying to change this tire. He was thoughtful. As he helped me take the lug nuts off and put the spare tire on, I began to realize how rare this moment was – a middle-aged white man helping a young black man change a tire. Not only did he help me, but we also had a great conversation about Gamecock football, boiled peanuts, and Five Guys. We introduced our families to one another, gave thanks, and hugged goodbye. It was a great moment for my daughters and his son to see that helping people is okay and that it’s encouraged. He could have easily turned the other cheek, gone into his house, and not offered me a single helping hand, but he did the opposite. He was being a gentleman by offering a helping hand; regardless of whether I accepted it or not, he did his part by being thoughtful.

Having knowledge or perception of a situation or fact can save you from getting into trouble and help you stay afloat in your day-to-day life. When you are aware of things, you tend to make more reasonable decisions than those who are unaware. Being aware is a very useful character trait in becoming a gentleman. If you are aware that holding the door for someone who is directly behind you is gentlemanly, then chances are you will hold the door open for them. Building awareness takes time and consideration. It’s not something that will happen overnight, and we all have different perceptions of situations. But your awareness must be able to keep people safe while not harming others. When you have knowledge of something, it’s always nice to share it as well. Sharing your awareness about topics will help give others insight and a different and new perspective.

Love is what makes the world go around. Loving someone can change his or her life and yours. Often when people speak of love, they assume “romance,” but there are more types of love than just romantic love. Loving someone is simply showing that you care about them. We are taught at a young age to love our family, friends, and mankind. It is okay for anyone to love, whether it’s romantic or not. Love is universal, it has no color, sex, or boundaries. It is one of the purest emotions we have as humans. Why is love an important characteristic for being a gentleman, though? It’s simple: because without it, you’re an asshole. Yeah, that’s right. If you can’t love, then chances are you are a mean individual, which automatically takes you out of this gentleman’s game…so good-bye and have a nice life, sir. Wait, you still want to play? You want to learn how to love? Oh, well okay. First start by loving yourself – if you can do that, then you can love anybody. Find the good in people and embrace it. We all love for different reasons, but no one should love someone with an intention of gaining by it. Your love should be unconditional at all times.

I learned about unconditional love through my aunt (my mom’s sister); when I was a kid, she would always say to us, “I love you”, and we would of course reply, “I love you too.” But the best part was when she would get close to you and say, “How much you love me?” and we always said, “Uncondishy.” We (my sister, my cousins and I) were very young and clearly couldn’t pronounce unconditional correctly yet. I knew what it meant even at that age, it meant that I loved her no matter what she did or happened. If our love has conditions, then we can’t grow and accept other humans for what we are, which is imperfect beings. We are perfectly imperfect. When we choose to love a friend, colleague, family member, or partner we have to be prepared to love them “Uncondishy” – yeah, that’s right, I’m starting a new word trend. When I say “Un” you say “Condishy” – UN-CONDISHY, UN-CONDISHY. Loving someone that way allows you to embrace their flaws just as much as their positive attributes. Don’t worry, you’ve got a lot more coming about love, so let’s leave it here for now, shall we.

Be understanding of the fact that people have differences. Be tolerant of those differences, and be kind to everyone. Listen, look here…I said look. We all have differences; we come from different backgrounds, cultures, and societies. So chances are someone you meet isn’t probably going to agree with you on everything, and that’s okay. When I transferred to the University of South Carolina in the spring of 2007, I got put in a dorm room with a roommate I didn’t know. I wasn’t worried about it at all; I can get along with just about anyone. I showed up on move-in day and there he was, a straight-up country boy from Tennessee. I walked in and saw a huge confederate flag, Navy SEAL decals, and Jack Daniels bottles everywhere. He was sitting shirtless with a cowboy hat on, playing on his laptop. He got up with a huge smile on his face and reached out and shook my hand. He said, “You must be my new roommate!” Yes, I was his new roommate. I’m not even going to lie, I came up with all sorts of assumptions about him, including that he was probably racist and didn’t like black people at all. My mom, being from the country herself, said, “He just likes to drink and have fun. He doesn’t care what race you are.” That clearly didn’t change my skepticism about him at all. As Taylor and I began living the college life together, we bonded and became friends. He got me drunk for the first time off his favorite drink, which was whiskey sours, and also took care of me when I was hung over the following day. We never talked about race issues or his confederate flag. It didn’t bother me because I knew his heart as a person.

As time went on, we became a lot closer. So close in fact that when I came back one day from class, his confederate flag had been taken down and replaced with an American flag. Mind you, I never once mentioned the fact that it bothered me ever. I was curious after I initially saw it, and asked him why he took it down. He said to me, “Because I saw your face when you first came here, and I wanted you to feel comfortable living with me.” He didn’t have to do that, but he chose to because it was thoughtful. In my heart, I was comfortable living with him; all my assumptions had already been dismissed because of the way he treated me. When the school year was about to come to a close and final exams were upon us, we didn’t see each other for a few days; pulling those all-nighters was a struggle. One night he texted me and said, “I’ve got to tell you something when you get back to the dorm.” I was studying in the bottom floor of the Thomas Cooper library, which meant no cell phone signal. So when I resurfaced above ground from the library to head back, I checked my phone and saw that text. I was thinking ‘Damn, he’s not coming back next year.” I walked in. and he said, “Man, listen – your girlfriend is cheating on you.” I was like “WHAT?! How do you know?” He said, “She’s sleeping with one of my navy friends’ roommates.”

Long story short, I broke out in an instant rage. I started calling her, while panicking and pacing. It turned out to be true. I broke down; he calmed me down, offered me a drink, and we talked. The next day, I broke off contact with her after two years of dating. But it was okay, I may have lost a girlfriend, but I had gained an amazing friend. We kept in contact throughout college, and I ended up being one of his groomsmen in his wedding. He is happily married with a beautiful baby boy, and although we don’t talk a lot at all, I wish him nothing but the best in life. He’s an amazing human being. Despite our differences he treated me like a brother. He was thoughtful, aware, loving, understanding, tolerant, and kind, a true gentleman…a southern gentlemen.

The 6 Essential Assets of a Redefined Gentleman

1 1. Being thoughtful requires you to actually think. Think about others and yourself. It’s okay if you do things to look out for your own best interest, but always remember that thinking of others goes a long way as well. We often hear, “It’s the thought that matters most.” Well, it’s true; people genuinely recognize when someone is being thoughtful, when you go out of your way to do something for someone. When you buy a stranger coffee with the intention of wanting nothing in return, that’s being thoughtful. Thoughtfulness comes in a variety of ways. Find what being thoughtful is for you and apply it to your daily interactions, relationships, friendships, and more. You will see the effect it has on yourself and others; the impact of being thoughtful is unforgettable.

2 2. Awareness is more than just noticing something; being aware has a sense of understanding. We are all aware of our feelings, surroundings, perceptions, and thoughts. Being aware in your daily life can help you and others live more freely. When you are aware you tend to be more “woke,” which means you have a sense of what is going on in the world and in today’s society. For me, being a black male, I’m aware I can’t do half the things my white counterparts do. That’s the reality we are living in. Taylor was aware that the confederate flag could offend me, although I never mentioned anything about it. He took it down; he took it down because of his awareness of the harm it could bring to others. It takes a true gentleman to take such an action. Awareness is one thing, but acting on it is another. Act on your awareness, be proactive, and keep making this world a better place.

3 3. The act of showing love is being loving. People always think that you can only show love in a romantic way. Cancel that noise right now! You can show love to anyone, strangers, family, wife, and so forth. Yes, there are different forms, types, and intensities of love, but nonetheless you can show love to anyone. Bosses show love by giving raises, awards, or recognition. Simply being kind shows love to everyone, I mean, you can’t say being kind is a form of hate, right? We all are born with love in our hearts, then as we get older life experiences increase or decrease our love. It’s unfortunate, but there are people in this world who don’t have human compassion and love for all. That’s why as a redefined gentleman you need to keep that in mind and always be kind to others. You never know what a kind loving gesture may do for someone, it could give someone hope that there are good people out there in this world. Show love daily to yourself and others.

4 4. Understanding is deeper than just listening or paying attention. Putting yourself in someone else’s place or circumstance helps you understand. Acting on that understanding elevates who you are as a person. Some naturally understand from their own life’s experiences and others have to become understanding. If you are driving to work and you get a flat tire, you would hope that your boss or supervisor would understand your dilemma. Believe it or not, there are plenty of people who are not understanding until they need someone to be understanding of them. Our boss or supervisor isn’t immune to flat tires, getting sick, etc. That’s why it’s so important to always be understanding of every circumstance, because it could happen to you. As a husband and father you get a whole new sense of understanding. When you become a husband, you have to understand that it’s not just about you anymore; you have another person who is a part of your life. The decisions you make can not only affect you but affect them as well. Being a dad requires the strongest amount of understanding ever – you have got to be able to understand why it’s important for you to be around, how to make them smile, and correct them when they are in the wrong, but most importantly, show them how to love others. It’s a big responsibility and it’s not for everyone, but if you can do it while understanding the importance of being a good person, then you, my friend, have got this on lock.

5 5. Tolerance is a virtue; when one is tolerant of others then they can live freely. We live in a world where millions of people have different religious views, sexual orientations, and ways of living their own life. We cannot be distracted by all the bullshit and forget to be tolerant of one another. Just because someone loves differently than you, does not mean you should judge them, shame them, or attack them. We have seen what intolerance can do to a country. It can hurt or kill, and it can damage an entire society. We have to rise above and promote the tolerance of our differences. It’s the only way we can function as a world, we are not always going to see eye to eye or listen ear to ear. But we can agree to live our lives the way we want to without anyone telling us the opposite. Let other people do them, you do you. It’s that simple; keep it one hundred percent all day long. Tolerance can set us free, when we learn to be tolerant of others then we can truly live as one.

6 6. Last but surely not least is kindness. Kindness is always the answer, always. If you can’t be kind, then the first five essentials are going to be difficult for you. Kindness is the foundation for all of this. I mean what are thoughtfulness, awareness, love, understanding, and tolerance without kindness? Nothing, it is simply nothing but a bunch of empty false actions that mean shit. That’s the honest truth; you can say what you want. Without kindness all of this means nothing. Anything you do needs to involve kindness. When you’re being thoughtful, be thoughtful with kindness. When being tolerant, be tolerant with kindness. Be loving, understanding, and aware with kindness. Kindness is the foundation of all improvement in our character.