Читать книгу Trust Works: Four Keys to Building Lasting Relationships - Ken Blanchard - Страница 6
ОглавлениеOnce upon a time in the country home of Mr. and Mrs. Berryhill, there lived a cat named Whiskers and a dog named Woof. The two did not get along.
They had their reasons.
Woof’s goofy personality and sloppy personal hygiene annoyed the cat.
Whiskers’s snooty attitude and finicky habits alienated the dog.
Some time ago Woof got so excited he chased Whiskers up a tree. She’d never forgiven him.
A couple of times Whiskers’s sharp little claws had come out. Ever since, Woof had avoided her.
Plus, it was common knowledge that cats and dogs did not get along. Both Whiskers and Woof had heard from their mothers and fathers all the horror stories of the generations-old enmity between cats and dogs.
One day Woof made the terrible mistake of accidentally stepping on Whiskers’s tail. Whiskers lashed out, swiping the dog across the face. Stinging with pain, Woof snarled and snapped at the cat, who leaped toward the dining room table to escape. She didn’t quite make it. Her claws sank into the tablecloth, and as she fell back, she pulled the entire table full of dishes—just set for dinner—onto the floor, where they broke with a loud crash.
That’s when Mrs. Berryhill came running into the room, her toddler in her arms.
“Oh, no. What a mess!” she cried.
The toddler, Billy, began to wail—a horrible, earsplitting sound.
Next, seven-year-old Kylie dashed in. “What happened?” she cried.
Finally, Mr. Berryhill burst into the room, his face red with anger.
“That’s it!” he yelled as Woof and Whiskers scurried out of the room. “If you two don’t learn to get along, I’m going to get rid of you. All of you!”
When Mr. Berryhill said “all of you” he was referring to the three other animals that lived in the house: a parrot named Presley, a hamster named Harriet, and a goldfish named Wiggles. Mr. Berryhill’s voice boomed, so every animal in the house heard him loud and clear. It was also evident from Mr. Berryhill’s tone that this was no idle threat. He’d been annoyed by the chaos created by Woof and Whiskers for quite some time. Mr. Berryhill seemed to have reached his breaking point.
Kylie’s eyes filled with tears. “No, Daddy! Please don’t get rid of our animals!”
Mr. Berryhill squatted down and looked his little girl in the eye. “I don’t want to get rid of them, honey, but we have to trust these animals to behave if they’re going to live in our house. If they’re going to fight and break our dishes, they’ve got to go.”
“But, Daddy—” Kylie began.
“Daddy’s right,” said Mrs. Berryhill. “If the animals are going to be part of our family, we have to be able to depend on them.”
“If they behave, can we keep them?” Kylie asked tearfully.
“Yes, but only if they stop fighting,” said Mr. Berryhill.
The parrot, who was old and wise, gravely shook his head. To human ears, Presley merely began squawking. But to every animal in the house, his announcement was clear:
“All animals, meet in the living room tonight at the stroke of midnight. Your presence is mandatory. This is an emergency!”
That night as they were getting ready for bed, Mrs. Berryhill had a heart-to-heart with her husband.
“Honey, the dog and cat did make an unfortunate mess tonight. But your reaction seemed a little over the top. Is there something going on that I should know about?”
Mr. Berryhill sat down with a sigh. “Things aren’t going as well at work as I had hoped. I had a meeting with my boss today and he said he wasn’t sure if I was in the right position.”
“What did he mean by that?”
“He said he was disappointed that I didn’t seem to have the skills to get things done on my own. Said he didn’t have time to do his job and mine.”
“That must have really bothered you,” Mrs. Berryhill said.
“No kidding,” he replied. “My position has a lot of new responsibilities, and I’ve been working my tail off. It annoys me that he expects me to be up to speed overnight. I wish he’d spend a little time helping me identify people who can coach me if he doesn’t have the time.”
“Can you talk to him about that?” asked Mrs. Berryhill.
Mr. Berryhill shook his head. “It won’t be easy. He says his door is always open, but to get a meeting with him is a major project in itself.”
“Sounds like you and your boss have trust issues. Just like we have with our cat and dog,” she added with a smile.
“Yeah, stress at work, chaos at home. I’m between a rock and a hard place!” he said with a laugh. “Thanks for listening, honey. I certainly need this weekend to decompress.”
That night the animals gathered at midnight as planned. Sitting high on his perch, Presley began the proceedings.
“The status quo cannot continue,” the parrot said. “There must be peace and harmony among all of us, or there will be great sorrow for each of us.”
The animals were silent. They knew that Presley spoke the truth.
“First,” said the parrot, “the two of you”—here he looked at the dog and cat—“must learn to get along.”
“Impossible,” said Whiskers, licking her paws. “Woof simply cannot be trusted. He nearly bit my head off today!”
“You nearly clawed my eyes out today!” Woof protested.
“After you crushed my tail!” Whiskers yowled.
“I didn’t mean to!” Woof cried, jumping to his feet.
Whiskers arched her back and hissed loudly.
“STOP!” squawked the parrot. “Keep it down, or we’ll all be thrown out!”
“You see?” said Whiskers. “Dogs cannot be trusted. Everyone knows that. There’s no point in further discussion.” With that she turned and left the room.
Woof sank onto the carpet and put his head on his paws.
“I didn’t mean to upset Whiskers,” the dog said. “I never do. It’s all a misunderstanding, I swear.”
Harriet the hamster, who had been silently running on her wheel, spoke up.
“Misunderstanding or not, we’re all going to get kicked out of here if you two can’t get along.”
Woof looked to the parrot. “How can I get along with Whiskers when she won’t even try to trust me?” he implored.
The parrot closed his eyes, going deep within for the answer. When at last he opened his eyes again, he said:
“Trust is a matter of perception.”
“What do you mean?” asked Woof.
“I mean that what looks like perfectly acceptable behavior to you makes Whiskers wary—and vice versa. For example, Woof, when you think about the word trust, who or what comes to mind?”
The dog thought for a moment.
“I think about Kylie, because she puts food in my bowl every evening.”
The parrot turned to the hamster. “Do you associate Kylie with trustworthiness?” he asked.
“Heavens, no!” said Harriet. “The last time Kylie played with me she tried to put me in doll’s clothing! I associate trust with Mrs. Berryhill, who fills my water and cleans my cage when Kylie forgets to.”
“So you see,” said the parrot to the dog, “trust means different things to different people. If you and Whiskers are going to get along, you’re going to have to find out how to earn each other’s trust.”
“What do you think I can say to earn Whiskers’s trust?” Woof asked.
The parrot pondered the dog’s question for a moment.
“Once you’ve lost someone’s trust, it takes time to earn it back,” said the parrot. “You must demonstrate you are trustworthy not only through your words but also through your actions.”
“What kind of actions?” asked the dog.
“Actions that show you’ve mastered the ABCDs of trust,” said the parrot.
“ABCDs?” said Wiggles, who until now had been swimming silently in his bowl. “That’s certainly a mouthful.”
“It is,” said the parrot. “But trust can’t be defined easily with a simple phrase. And it isn’t something you can earn overnight. You’ll have to begin at the beginning and go from there.”
“Okay,” said the dog, “where do I begin?”
“First, you must show Whiskers that you are Able,” the parrot replied.
“What do you mean by Able?” asked the dog.
“That means showing Whiskers you have the know-how to help her,” said the parrot. “If she has a problem, help her solve it! If she wants results, deliver them. If you are Able, step up and contribute. Show her you’re worthy!”
When you demonstrate competence and skills, you are ABLE, which builds trust.
Below are some statements about your ability. Think about your behaviors in a specific role—at home as a parent, spouse, sibling, roommate, or friend; at work as a manager or individual contributor; or in the community as a leader or volunteer. In this role, how often do you behave in each of the listed ways? Circle one response that best describes your behavior.
| H—Hardly ever S—Sometimes O—Often V—Very often A—Always |
| 1. Get quality results | H S O V A |
| 2. Solve problems | H S O V A |
| 3. Am highly skilled | H S O V A |
| 4. Am good at what I do | H S O V A |
| 5. Have relevant experience | H S O V A |
| 6. Use my skills to assist others | H S O V A |
| 7. Strive to be the best at what I do | H S O V A |
The next day was a midsummer scorcher. After lunch, the humans gathered in the backyard. Mr. and Mrs. Berryhill sat with Billy in the shade while Kylie splashed in the pool.
“Can Billy come in the water and play with me?” Kylie asked.
“No, Kylie,” said Mrs. Berryhill. “I know you mean well, but I can’t really trust our little toddler playing with you in the water until he is Able to swim.”
“When’s that going to be?” asked Kylie.
“We’ll get him into a swimming class soon,” said her mom.
Kylie frowned. “You said that last week,” she said under her breath.
As they talked, none of the humans noticed the cat, who was walking along the fence searching for an exit. Woof saw this as a perfect opportunity to win Whiskers’s trust by showing her that he was Able to help her solve problems. He approached the cat, keeping a respectful distance.
“Whiskers,” he said, “I noticed that you have been trying to find a way through the backyard fence for a long time.”
“Yes,” said the cat. “Unless I want to walk all the way around the house and out the front yard, I have to climb the backyard fence and jump over.”
“I am going to make it easier for you to come and go,” said Woof.
The cat looked at the dog, blinked, and then opened her mouth wide in a big yawn.
“Uh-huh. Right. Sure you will,” she said. She had heard Woof boast like this before.
“I can tell you don’t have confidence in me,” said the dog.
“You’re right,” said Whiskers. “I don’t.”
“That’s okay,” said Woof. “I’m going to do this whether you think I’m Able or not.”
And help her he did. Later that day he went out to the fence and began digging. Soon there was a perfect little cat-sized hole for the cat to crawl through. When he finished the hole to his satisfaction, Woof searched out Whiskers, who was taking her afternoon nap.
“Excuse me. I hate to wake you, but I think you’ll be excited to see the new exit I made for you under the backyard fence,” said Woof.
The cat lifted her head, looked across the yard, and said, “Well, what do you know, you dug a hole. Good for you.” Then she promptly went back to sleep.
But Woof was not about to give up so easily. He might have been a dog, but even he knew that anyone can do something once and not necessarily be competent. He would have to impress her again.
“Excuse me,” he said to the cat. “I hate to wake you once more, but I get the feeling you’re not terribly impressed.”
“Bingo,” said Whiskers. “If you want to impress me, bring me some catnip.”
The next day Woof searched the surrounding property and found a patch of fresh catnip growing in a sunny spot among some rocks. He gathered a leafy bunch in his mouth and dropped it at Whiskers’s feet.
“Very nice,” said the cat, sniffing the catnip with curiosity.
“So now are you impressed with my ability?” Woof asked hopefully.
“Not yet,” replied the cat. “After all, it could be beginner’s luck. If you really want to impress me with your competence, bring me a fish.”
“I know I haven’t been very helpful to you in the past,” said the dog, “and it’s going to take a while before you trust my skills. Getting you a fish won’t be easy, but I’m certainly going to give it my best effort.”
On Monday when Mr. and Mrs. Berryhill got home from their busy days, they sat down together over a couple of iced teas.
“How was your day at the office?” Mr. Berryhill asked his wife.
“Busy. I was nearly late picking up the kids from day care,” she replied. “How did it go today with your boss?”
“I did a lot of thinking about my situation over the weekend,” Mr. Berryhill said as he stirred his tea. “I decided that no matter how difficult it was, I was determined to get an appointment to see him today.”
“Did you have any luck?” Mrs. Berryhill asked.
“I sure did—right after lunch,” he replied.
“How’d that go?” she asked.
“My mother always said when you’re having a challenging conversation with someone, it’s always best to make a lot of ‘I’ statements rather than ‘you’ statements, because nobody can argue with your feelings. So I told him, ‘I want to thank you for your feedback last week. I also want to apologize for letting you down. I realized I’m taking on some new responsibilities that are stretching my skills. I know how busy you are, so is there anyone you can recommend in the company who could mentor me for a while? I’m excited about the opportunity and want to be Able to develop the skills required to be excellent at my job.’”
“Wow,” said Mrs. Berryhill, “I’m impressed. You were really vulnerable. How did he respond?”
“I was amazed,” said Mr. Berryhill. “He thanked me for my honesty and suggested two people who might be able to help. He got right on the phone and left both of them messages. He suggested we talk in a couple of weeks to check my progress. He said he trusted that the next couple of weeks would be good learning opportunities for me.”
“That’s terrific,” said Mrs. Berryhill.
Mr. Berryhill smiled at his wife. “Your digging for what was bothering me really helped me think it through. Thanks.”
It took a week, but after a steep learning curve and a great deal of effort, the dog snatched a small fish from a nearby pond and plopped it at the cat’s feet.
“This smells delicious,” said Whiskers, poking her nose toward the fish. “I must say, I’m beginning to be impressed.”
But Woof didn’t stop there. He surprised her the following day with a rubber ducky he’d plucked from the swimming pool. Later that week he brought her a mouse toy he found near the trash cans.
Finally, Whiskers said, “Thank you. I do appreciate the passageway in the fence and all the gifts you’ve been bringing me.”
Woof was pleased and very hopeful. “Does this mean you finally think I’m Able to help you?”
“I suppose it does,” said the cat.
“Now will you trust me?” asked the dog.
“Trust you? No. It’s all well and good that you can dig holes and hunt for cat treasures. But just because you’re able to do these things doesn’t mean I can trust you. There are other issues.”
“Other issues? Like what?” asked Woof.
The cat sighed and shook her sleek little head. “I don’t have time to get into that. Look, cats and dogs just don’t get along. It’s common knowledge.”
With that, she put her tail in the air and walked away, making clear that the conversation was over.
Disappointed that Whiskers didn’t yet trust him, Woof sought out Presley the parrot.
“For weeks now I’ve been doing my best to show the cat that I’m Able to help her,” Woof said.
“Yes, so I’ve heard,” said Presley. “Rumor has it you’ve done well, so why the long face?”
Hanging his head, Woof said, “Whiskers still doesn’t trust me. She says there are ‘other issues.’”
The parrot nodded thoughtfully. “Don’t be so discouraged, Woof,” he said. “You’re not going to win Whiskers’s trust—and vice versa—in the blink of an eye. Building trust takes time.”
“But surely there’s more I can do to show Whiskers I’m trustworthy,” said the dog.
“There certainly is,” said the parrot. “Now that you’ve demonstrated you are Able, you must show Whiskers you are Believable.”
“How do I do that?” Woof asked.
“You must act with integrity,” said the parrot. “That means that if Whiskers tells you something in confidence, you’ll keep it to yourself and not bark it all over town.”
Woof was taken aback. Come to think of it, he had barked about a few of the cat’s confidences over the years.
“Furthermore,” said the parrot, “when you do something wrong, you must admit to it and apologize for it.”
“I can do that,” said Woof.
“But if you want to be Believable, the most important thing is to stay honest. That means no exaggerating—or minimizing—the truth.”
Woof nodded, realizing that he had been known to stretch the truth a bit.
Building trust takes time.
“Being honest means that if you give Whiskers your word, you have to follow through on it so she knows that the words coming from your mouth will match your behavior.”
“Is there anything else I need to know about being Believable?” the dog asked.
“Actually, there are quite a few things you need to know,” the parrot said. “When you’re faced with a tough decision, be fair in your choices. Be sincere in word and deed. Avoid being judgmental. Show respect for others.”
“It sounds like being Believable is a character issue,” Woof said.
“That’s right,” said the parrot. “Being Believable isn’t a simple trick you can learn, like fetching a stick. It requires looking inside at your motives.”
So for the next several weeks Woof did some soul-searching. He realized that Whiskers would come to trust him only when she saw what a good dog he was, deep down. As he was searching his heart, he remembered the day he had chased Whiskers up the tree. At the time he claimed it was due to overexcitement, but now that he was being honest with himself, he admitted he’d gotten a perverse pleasure in seeing the cat be so afraid.
It was time to make amends.
When you act with integrity, you are BELIEVABLE, which builds trust.
Below are some statements about your believability. Thinking about the same role you chose to analyze for the ABLE area of trust, how often do you behave in each of the listed ways? Circle one response that best describes your behavior.
| H—Hardly ever S—Sometimes O—Often V—Very often A—Always |
| 1. Keep confidences | H S O V A |
| 2. Admit when I am wrong | H S O V A |
| 3. Am honest | H S O V A |
| 4. Avoid talking behind people’s backs | H S O V A |
| 5. Am sincere | H S O V A |
| 6. Am nonjudgmental | H S O V A |
| 7. Show respect for others | H S O V A |
Just about the time the parrot was telling the dog how to be Believable, Kylie approached her mom, who was working at her desk.
“Mom, you keep saying you’re going to get Billy some swimming lessons. But you haven’t, and I don’t think you’re ever going to do it.”
Mrs. Berryhill opened her mouth to begin an excuse, but when she saw the look in Kylie’s eyes, she realized she was losing her daughter’s trust. It was clear her daughter didn’t see her as Believable.
“I’m sorry, honey,” she said. “You’re right. I haven’t set up his swimming lessons yet. Let’s go to the computer. You can help me find out where they’re giving lessons in the neighborhood so I can sign Billy up.”
“Yay!” said Kylie. “I can’t wait for him to be able to play with me in the pool.”
Within a few minutes, they had found a school and enrolled Billy in a class.
The next day Woof found Whiskers stretched out on the carpet, warming her silky fur in the sunshine pouring through the window.
“Whiskers,” he said, “I would like to apologize to you.”
She opened her eyes ever so slightly. “What have you done now?” she asked.
“Months ago I chased you up the big oak tree in the front yard,” said the dog. “Not only was that disrespectful, but I frightened you and that was wrong. I sincerely apologize and promise you I won’t do that again.”
Whiskers lay back and closed her eyes again. “Apology accepted,” she said. “Now let me sleep.”
Harriet, who had been eavesdropping on their conversation and could hardly believe her ears, stopped running on her wheel. Could it be that Woof and Whiskers were finally learning to trust each other?
Not only did Woof apologize, but over the next few weeks, he demonstrated that he was Believable to Whiskers in many other ways. For example, when Harriet and Wiggles were complaining about the way the cat rubbed Mrs. Berryhill’s leg and got all of her attention, the dog refused to chime in.
“Whiskers is conceited and self-centered,” they said. “Don’t you agree, Woof?”
To this Woof responded, “She is my friend. If you two have issues with Whiskers, you really should discuss them with her.”
Word of Woof’s gallant response got back to Whiskers and to her great surprise, she was touched.
On a windy afternoon when Woof was feeling frisky, he succumbed to his old ways and bounded toward Whiskers at full speed. He didn’t do it on purpose; it was simply the force of deeply ingrained habit. Just in time he remembered his promise not to chase her. He stopped dead in his tracks, wagged his tail in a friendly, nonthreatening way, and waited politely for her to pass by. The change of behavior took considerable effort, and Woof felt proud of himself for achieving it.
