Читать книгу Irresistible Greeks Collection - Кэрол Мортимер, Кэрол Мортимер - Страница 61

CHAPTER ELEVEN

THERE WAS COMPLETE silence as Xenon stared at Lexi with incomprehension in his dark eyes.

‘What are you talking about?’

‘The baby was...was...’ Her voice began to wobble. What words could she possibly use that wouldn’t insult the memory of that little scrap? ‘They did...tests. They said that he had a genetic abnormality. Something was wrong with his chromosomes and that was why it had happened. That his condition was not...’ She sucked in a shuddering breath as the corrosive truth came out in a bitter rush. ‘Was not compatible with life.’

There was a long, disbelieving pause while he looked at her as if he’d never really seen her before. ‘And why didn’t you tell me this at the time?’ he demanded. ‘Why the hell didn’t you tell me, Lex? A secret as big as this and yet you kept it from me?’

Pain ripped through her. And guilt. So much guilt. ‘Because you weren’t there to tell!’ She shook her head. ‘Oh, I’m not blaming you for the fact that a volcanic ash cloud brought the global aviation system grinding to a halt—even you couldn’t overcome that. But I was having difficulty getting my own head around what the doctors had told me and when you got back you were so...distant.’

‘Because I didn’t know what to say,’ he gritted out.

‘I know that!’ Her voice was wobbling now. Didn’t he see? Didn’t he understand that there was a reason she had spared him the bitter truth? ‘But I also knew you wanted another baby. And that’s the bottom line. Because I can’t give you that baby, Xenon.’

He was staring at her warily, as if he wasn’t quite sure what she might do next. ‘I still don’t understand where you’re going with this,’ he said.

‘Don’t you? It’s really very simple.’ She took a deep breath, which seemed to scorch its way right down into the base of her lungs. ‘The reason our baby died was my fault, okay? It was my fault. Do you understand now?’

He shook his head. ‘You can’t know that!’

‘Yes! Yes, I can!’ Lexi dug her nails into her palms, wishing that she could just close her lips and refuse to say any more because it was so painful. But she knew she could not let this go until he accepted the truth. Because she owed him that. He needed to understand that there was no magic wand to be waved to give him what he had always wanted. ‘The doctors told me that you can change a lot of things—but you can’t change your genetic make-up. And there’s something in me which makes it impossible to carry a baby to term. Don’t you hear what I’m saying, Xenon? That I’m damaged goods and I’ll never be able to guarantee you the son and heir you’ve always longed for.’

‘You’re not damaged,’ he ground out. ‘You’re whole and you’re beautiful—inside and out!’

He moved to hold her but she held up her hand to stop him. ‘No. I’m not. I wish I was, but I’m not.’ She backed away from him, wanting to put physical distance between them. Terrified that if she didn’t she would weaken and she loved him too much to short-change him for the rest of his life. ‘This is your let-out clause, Xenon, don’t you see? Don’t let some misplaced sense of loyalty or pride make you feel you’ve got to make it work with me. Don’t allow my physical shortcomings to crush your dreams. Go away and find another woman—the right kind of woman—and have a baby with her.’

His breathing was rapid and his eyes were glittering with a hectic blue fire but the words he bit out were strong and steady. ‘And what if I told you that I want you, anyway? That, contrary to what your ridiculously low self-esteem might tell you, I did not marry you because you were a “brood mare”? I married you because I loved you. I still do.’

‘Don’t.’ The word came out in a low moan of pain. ‘Please don’t make this even harder.’

‘I’ll make it as hard as it damned well needs to be. I’ll do whatever I have to do to make you see sense.’

‘I am being sensible,’ she said stubbornly.

‘No, you’re not. Listen to me, Lex. Yes, I wanted a baby with you—I can’t deny that. But maybe there’s still a chance we can. We can get a second opinion. We can have access to the best doctors in the world—’

‘No.’ And maybe the certainty in her voice made him realise that she was serious because suddenly he tensed. She hugged her arms around her bikini-clad body but beneath it she was still shivering. ‘Don’t you realise that this is something your money can’t buy, or fix? I can’t have your baby, Xenon—that’s the beginning and the end of it—and because of that, we have no future together.’

His body was tense now; his face dark and brooding. ‘So I don’t get any say in this?’

She shook her head. ‘No.’

‘Do you love me?’

Lexi hesitated. Say no, she urged herself. Tell him that all your love has gone—worn out and washed away. But as she looked into his blue eyes she knew she couldn’t lie. Her body might have failed him, but her heart would always be true. ‘I’ll always love you,’ she said. ‘And it’s because of that that I’m setting you free.’

‘How very magnanimous of you,’ he said. ‘You castigate me for being a control freak and now you’re telling me it’s over without considering any other option.’

‘Because there is no other option!’

‘Oh, but there is. It’s just one that neither of us has considered until now.’

‘And that is?’

‘That is that we don’t go down the baby route. We’ll forget about a family—’

‘Xenon—’

‘Plenty of couples have decent and fulfilled lives without children. If you want—if you want—we can think about adoption some time in the future. Or we can just enjoy our niece and the children my cousins will one day have. The children that your own brothers might have. Because I love you, too, Lex—and that love is unconditional. I want you—just you—and whatever comes with having you is all right by me.’

His words were soft with conviction and Lex’s heart sang with hope as for a moment she allowed herself to dream for one unbearably beautiful moment. Only this wasn’t a dream. It was real. Xenon loved her and she could have his love. She could live with him for the rest of her life. Lexi and Xenon.

But the shadow of reality darkened her thoughts, because how long before their love was spoiled by the nagging recognition of what they were missing? Wouldn’t the day come when Xenon would look around and realise he wanted a child, no matter what he said now? Mightn’t he decide that he’d made the wrong decision and find himself a fertile woman who could give him his heart’s desire? She doubted that people would blame him if he did that.

Her voice was tight—mainly because her heart was beating so fast that she could barely speak. ‘My mind is made up,’ she said. ‘And you aren’t going to be able to change it. I can’t do it, Xenon. You can’t see it now, but one day you’re going to thank me for this.’

‘Thank you?’ he echoed, his voice harsh and bitter as his cobalt gaze sliced through her.

She fought to keep her thoughts in order, to push away her own pain and to convince him that this was the only way. ‘Yes. Because you love family,’ she said simply. ‘Even your one foray into the world of film-making involved fatherhood. You once told me that your biggest desire was to become a father yourself, and I can’t take that desire away from you, Xenon. I just can’t do it.’

He was trembling as he caught hold of her. His hands gripped her arms and Lexi could feel herself trembling, too. His eyes were blazing blue fire and his skin seemed to stretch tightly over his tense face. For one split second she thought he might be about to kiss her. And if he did—if he did—then wouldn’t she inevitably come round to his way of thinking? Wouldn’t she weaken enough to let him convince her that their love was enough to sustain them, and they could forgo the family he had always yearned for?

But he didn’t kiss her. The look he subjected her to must have lasted only a total of ten seconds but afterwards she was left feeling as if a cold wind had whipped through her.

He let her go and she stumbled off to the bathroom, loudly locking the door behind her to make sure he heard. Terrified that he would come in and realise that her resolve was far less determined than her words would have him believe.

She still had the christening to get through. She still had to put on the lovely dress she’d packed specially, and do her hair, and make like it mattered. And even though nothing seemed to matter other than that the final curtain had come down on her marriage, Lexi knew that this day was important to Kyra and her family.

But she was sick with nerves as she emerged from the bathroom to find Xenon already dressed in a light linen suit, his face dark and unwelcoming. She wanted to say something—anything—which would make him understand that this was all for the best. She even tried to smile. ‘Xenon—’

‘Not now, Lexi,’ he iced out. ‘I’ve had about as much from you as I can tolerate this morning.’

And he slammed out of the villa.

She felt like a fraud as she slipped the dress on over her head, practising a happy smile in the mirror even though inside her heart felt as if it were breaking. Just before eleven, she walked outside, where the car was waiting to take them to the small church in Lindos where the ceremony was to be held.

Marina was just about to get in and she nodded approvingly as she assessed Lexi’s outfit.

‘You look very beautiful, my dear. Xenon has already gone down to the church and he is waiting for us there.’

He’s not waiting for me, thought Lexi grimly as the car pulled away, with the bright Greek sunlight bouncing off its polished livery.

The chapel was very old and so tiny that there was room for only twenty people, with the rest standing outside clustered beneath a canopy of olive trees which provided welcome shade.

Lexi was taken aback by the size of the crowd there. Not only was there a giant contingent of the extended Kanellis clan, but plenty of locals and tourists had also turned out to watch. There were cousins, uncles and aunts who seemed disproportionately pleased to see her again—but the only things Lexi could focus on were the forbidding features and piercing blue eyes of her husband.

She had to swallow the stupid sob which was rearing up in her throat, like one of those jungle snakes you sometimes saw on television documentaries.

Xenon stepped forward to usher her inside and she shot him an anxious look. ‘I’ll wait outside. Your mother says the church is only tiny.’

‘You will not. You will be by my side, supporting me as we agreed,’ he said. ‘And after that you can run back to your empty little life in England.’

The tiny church was cool and at any other time Lexi would have been blown away by its simple beauty and by the moving ceremony which followed. As it was, her emotions were in such turmoil that she could scarcely breathe. She kept thinking of the man beside her. She kept thinking about how hard it was going to be to leave. Last time she’d walked away she had done it because she’d felt as if she’d had no option—that she could not ruin the life of a man who so badly wanted a family of his own.

But this time, he had offered her an option—and she knew she couldn’t take it. No matter what he said now, she knew that he would go mad if their lives were to become one constant round of doctors’ appointments. And she would go mad if she had to live with the fear that one day he would feel deprived without a blood family of his own.

No. She was doing this for the best. She was doing this because she loved him and one day he would realise that.

There was much cheering and clapping as baby Ianthe began to squall with fury when water was poured over her head—and soon afterwards the convoy of cars began to make its way back up towards the Kanellis estate.

At the party which followed, Lexi stuck to water rather than the champagne with which everyone was toasting the baby. She hung back and waited until there was a lull in all the celebrations before she went over to Kyra and gave her the small package she’d brought with her from England.

‘What is this?’ Kyra began to unwrap it, folds of tissue paper falling away as she pulled out a delicate silver charm. ‘Oh, Lexi—it’s a unicorn! Did you make it?’

‘I did.’ Lexi smiled. ‘A mythical beast which was discovered by a Greek historian.’

‘Of course. Who else?’ laughed Kyra.

‘It means power and healing and renewal, among other things. I thought perhaps she could wear it on a chain when she’s older.’ Lexi looked up to find Xenon standing there and in that moment she thought that her heart might break in two.

‘It’s beautiful,’ he said, his blue eyes piercing into hers.

You’re beautiful, she thought. You’re beautiful and I love you but I can’t give you want you want. She stood up, taking in a deep breath as she drew him aside to speak in a low voice. ‘Xenon, I can’t stay any longer. It isn’t fair to any of us. I want to leave today—to slip away without too much comment.’

His mouth twisted. ‘You don’t imagine that your absence won’t be remarked upon? That you can just fly out of here without anybody noticing you’ve gone?’

She met his gaze without flinching. ‘I’m sure you can sweet-talk your way out of it. You’ve done it often enough in the past.’

His mouth hardened into a grim replica of a smile. Not this time, he thought. Not this time.

But while he might want her, he would not dream of stopping her. For what would be the point of keeping a woman who did not want to stay?