Читать книгу You have yourself. Diary of a Tired Mom - - Страница 3

Pregnancy is a 9-month journey that is accompanied by anticipation. I clearly remember 9 months of waiting, which was justified by the birth of my beautiful daughter. From that moment on, everything changed in my life.

When your child is born, you don’t know yet that now the heart will always beat for two. You still don’t know that motherhood is a huge job, the payment for which comes with love, smiles, laughter and hugs.

Then everything happened in a fog. Endless insomnia, fatigue and overwork. The screams and crying that filled the room gave rise to dark thoughts in my head that I was a bad mother. There was less and less time for myself.

The child loves his mother unconditionally, but with a note – he needs her in order to survive. At the same time, unconditional love must be reciprocated from the mother. A cold and indifferent mother does not mean loving. Without sincere love and care, a child can grow up traumatized.

I clearly remember the moment when my daughter was placed on my stomach. She was so hot and looked at me with two big almond-shaped eyes. At that very moment, a bright spike occurred in my brain, provoked by a large dose of oxytocin1.

Then everything happened in a blur. Endless insomnia, fatigue and overwork. The screams and cries that filled the room gave rise to dark thoughts in my head that I was a bad mother. There was less and less time for myself.

Every morning, if possible, I drank tea with cookies and milk in order to have a rush of milk. I often stayed on this tea all day, and somehow managed to feed my daughter. It felt like a cage had formed around me, and my little daughter had put me in it. I didn’t belong to myself at all, and every hour of every day I waited for my husband to come and take the baby to himself, and I could take time for myself – to wash, eat, take a break.

My shoulders have been restless for a long time from endless worries about my family. Day after day, they were erased under the weight of many cases. After almost a year of my life, I looked at myself in the mirror and realized that it couldn’t go on like this anymore, and that something had to be done. I was unbearably exhausted.

Rationally, I realized that the mother I see in the mirror cannot be a full-fledged «mother», a woman and a wife. Suddenly, I was motivated to change this situation. I believed that I could pull myself together and try to build a balance between my personal and family life. In fact, this motivation was supported primarily by a sincere desire to avoid family breakdown.

A crisis in the relationship with husband in the postpartum period is quite common. If you don’t work it out in time, then personal communication based on love and trust can begin to collapse. This leads to the fact that the only reason for a conversation between the spouses is their child.

I made the decision to change our relationship with my husband and stop dragging everything on myself. I realized, that silence and the expectation that he himself would understand and take responsibility, would not change anything. In fact, it will only make things worse for both of us. I had a lot of thoughts running through my head.

In my mind’s eye, it looked like a heavy truck full of responsibility, which I loyally dragged behind me. My illusions that my husband and family would appreciate me and my actions turned out to be useless. I tried to reassure myself that I was doing my best for our family, but that didn’t make up for all the resentments and disappointments.

I decided that I would no longer persuade my husband, scream, or demand help. This format of persuasion does not reach his consciousness, but only causes irritation. Baseless claims, not backed up by actions, not only exhaust, but also completely destroy people’s relationships. You literally become an annoying fly that buzzes around your husband’s ear. In such circumstances, of course, he will not want to help. Generally.

That’s why I decided to expand my range of activities and interests. The world should not revolve only around everyday life. Even if we have a child. A happy mother is the key to a happy family, and all household chores can wait. So I decided to do what I’ve always dreamed of doing. I will live my life, and the tasks around the house will find their solution.

It’s been decided. To begin with, it was necessary to draw up an action plan to remove myself from accumulated fatigue. I looked at the calendar – it was Friday. This means that there was weekend ahead, when my husband could let me go so that I could be alone, and where I would be left only to myself.

How can I tell him about it? The first thing I did was to send him an SMS without waiting for him to return from work. It is not always possible to formulate thoughts correctly, looking at the face. Quite often it turns out that one thing is planned in your head, and as a result, your lips, in the power of emotions, pronounce completely different words. In order not to repeat the memorized script of swearing, I wrote:

«My dear and beloved husband, I am very tired, I feel that I am losing touch with reality. I really need a break, otherwise I’ll drive myself into a corner. Can you please take over some of my responsibilities?

I understand that you have a lot of work to do, and you get tired too, but I can’t take it anymore. Maybe I can relax with my friends on the weekend, go out for a walk. Maybe you’ll give me time to be alone with myself every day? I really need your help, and I know you can help me. Your support and understanding are very important to me.

We’re a team, right? Let’s work together and find a solution to lighten this burden for me.

I know that together we will be able to cope with any challenges and make our lives more joyful and balanced. Thank you for always being there and ready to help. Your love and support are what give me the strength to keep going forward.

With love, your tired but hopeful wife».

Usually, my husband is very busy at work, and we rarely communicate with him during the day, but then I got a warm response pretty quickly:

«Dear, I read your message and I want you to know that I can hear you and understand how tired you are. I realize that modern motherhood can be a difficult challenge, and I am ready to support you.

You’re right, sometimes we forget that you also have your own boundaries and need to rest. I’m ready to take on some of the responsibilities and help you unload. We can work out a plan so that things are distributed more evenly, and you can get the rest you really deserve.

Let’s work together as a team to lighten your burden and create balance in our family. I appreciate everything you do for us and our children, and I am ready to be a support for you in difficult moments. Kisses, see you later».

Oh God, everything inside me was rejoicing at that very moment. It was one of the brightest and warmest moments for the first time in a long time. It seemed that for a moment we suddenly turned into that carefree, loving couple who once said «Yes» to each other, standing in the registry office. The fire was rekindled between us, and for the first time since the birth of my daughter, I was able to feel intimacy with my husband again.