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There is some good news: once you have taught these ideas, you can unlearn them.

You don't have to follow the driving habits you inherited. You don't have to race just because everyone else is competing. You don't have to feel superior just because your culture says it's okay.

You can see the program for what it is – an idea that was imposed on you without your consent – and decide whether you want to keep it.

Some cultural programming is useful. Traffic regulations exist for a reason. Social norms of basic politeness allow society to function.

But aggressive lane changes? Status parking? The feeling of superiority from the way you drive or the fact that you have a sunroof?

It's all optional. And it makes you unhappy.

So how do you actually start retraining?

Start with awareness. You just practiced this in the previous section. Notice when the program starts. Don't judge it. Don't try to fight it immediately. Just see it. – Ah, there goes that automatic status comparison again.

Then question it. When you find a program at work, ask yourself: "What if I didn't care?" You don't have to vow to "never care again"—just experiment. What if that person's car didn't matter? What if you didn't need that enviable vacation? What if you just… left it as is? The world won't end. Usually, nothing at all happens.

Then try doing something different once. Without making it a new rule. Without promising to change forever. Just this once. Someone tells you something they're proud of. Instead of jumping into a story about your success, just say, "That's great." And that's it. No need to wax lyrical about praise like, "You made my day," or make the conversation about yourself. Just acknowledge the fact. See what happens. Usually? They'll just keep talking. They won't even notice you didn't compete. The hierarchy you thought you needed to affirm wasn't actually needed.

Listen to your feelings. When you don't engage in comparisons you normally would; when you don't buy a status item you would have bought earlier; when you don't judge someone you normally would—pay attention to how you feel. Sometimes it's relief. Sometimes it's freedom. Sometimes it's discomfort, because the program is still there, insisting it's important. All these feelings are information.

That's what retraining is all about. Not erasing code. Not replacing it with another. But understanding that it's code and deciding whether you want to run it.

You can decide not to participate in competitions you never signed up for. You can decide to stop measuring your happiness by the lives of others. You can choose your own path without worrying about whether you're "ahead" or "behind" someone else.

There is no exam that will evaluate whether you have fallen behind the “right” people and whether you are correctly following the cultural script.

But there is a choice: continue using software that someone else installed, or start writing your own code.

1. Neil deGrasse Tyson, Starry Messenger: Cosmic Perspectives on Civilization (Henry Holt and Company, 2022), 149.

2. Neil deGrasse Tyson, Starry Messenger , 150.