Читать книгу Don't Forget the Pepper Spray (Second Edition) - Kristen Marie - Страница 6

I have always felt that the best way to get over a man is with another man. So, when I got divorced after several years of being lied to and cheated on, I became a serial dater. I needed an ego boost so badly, that I had a date nearly every night. I’m not justifying the mentality, but at the time, it helped.

I dated Phil, who was very nice, but he lacked fire and reminded me of a clammy fish. Not just any clammy fish, but a very persistent one whose behavior inspired me to Google restraining orders—you know, in the event I should need one. There was Bill, who was a fantastic cook and a handsome enough guy—but he had too much fire under the surface. I feared, should he stub his toe, get looked at wrong or just miss his morning paper, he might explode and take everything out with him. Then there was Stewart, an accomplished business man and sweetheart who, unfortunately, talked in a very high-pitched and feminine voice when he was nervous. It kind of freaked me out. And, let’s not forget Michael. Michael was a muscular, gorgeous hunk of a man that was nice to look at, but I quickly discovered was a little self-absorbed and had a problem with boundaries. He liked to drop by my house uninvited. At first, it was flattering. Then, it got kind of annoying. I finally said something to him about it and he apologized. However, by this point in time, I didn’t care if he ever dropped by again—because something spicy was brewing at work with my boss, Jack.

Jack was different from the other guys I was dating. He was more than an ego booster. From day one, Jack and I had this crazy intellectual connection. Along with that intellectual connection was a strong, primal chemistry that heated up every time we were near each other. Because we worked together however, we kept our little relationship a secret. Of course, that just added to the excitement and made for a lot of fun elevator rides at the office. We had a lot of make outs that lasted from Floor 1 to Floor 8 and down again. I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship with anyone at the time, but Jack was different because he was someone I could see myself with in the distant future.

One night Jack decided to take me out for a nice, romantic dinner. I was very excited to have time with him outside the office. Unfortunately, I got stuck at work and was running behind. When Jack got to my house at our scheduled time, I was just getting out of the shower. I had no choice but to throw on my robe and run to the door and let him in. It doesn’t take a Ph.D. in Human Sexuality to figure out where that lead. Jack was all over me in a matter of seconds. He didn’t even bother to shut the door behind him. He kissed me up against the wall, kissed me on the couch, and then after a few minutes we were in the bedroom. It was passionate, it was wild, it was shortly interrupted…

Somewhere between oooh and ahhhh, I heard a very familiar man’s voice calling my name.

“Carrie? Carrie? Are you here?”

I froze. It was Michael! What the freak? What was he doing here????

My heart nearly stopped as I heard him open the outer glass door and walk right into my house!!!!! My very small, very old house with no bedroom locks!!!!

All I said to Jack was “Oh no. This isn’t going to be good.”

I could hear Michael’s footsteps getting closer to my room. I didn’t have time to think, I had to do something. I jumped up, located my robe-- which was buried under layers of bedding and pillows-- and threw it on as Jack, not knowing what to do, jumped up and hid, naked, in my closet. My BOSS was hiding in my closet! NAKED!

“Carrie?” Michael called again, only a few feet away from the door.

At this point, frantic, I called out “Just a sec! Uh…um….I’m……..not decent!” Then I yelled at him to just wait in the living room. I stopped, looked at Jack, sandwiched between summer casuals and sportswear, took a deep breath and carefully opened my door, stepped out, and closed it tightly behind me.

I needed to get Michael gone…as fast as possible.

As I walked out, with my hair a mess of matted of bed head, I saw Michael sitting on my sofa casually flipping through my book called (No kidding) “The WORST-CASE SCENARIO Survival Handbook: Dating & Sex”. The irony. When he saw me, he threw the book down, stood up and approached me. He, like Jack, was turned on by me standing there in nothing but a robe. He immediately leaned in to give me a kiss. That was the last thing I needed. I immediately backed away and put my hands up in front of me, forming as much of a wall between us as I could. I blurted out like a nervous wreck on speed: “Uh, sorry, I just got out of the shower and, uh, I am trying to get ready for a date.”

“Oh… sorry” He said disappointed, as he backed away. ”I tried to call, but you didn’t answer. I was in the neighborhood and just thought I’d drop by.”

“You walked right into my house…” I said a little defensively.

“Well, your door was open and I thought I heard some weird noises.” Weird noises? My heart stopped for the second time in five minutes—anymore lapses in my heartbeat and I was going to need pulmonary resuscitation, literally.

“Well, we can talk later. I’m running behind.” I cut him off as I directed my body at the door.

“I just wanted to see you… we haven’t hung out in a while and I miss you,” he said almost desperately.

He misses me? Where was all this coming from? We’d only been on a few dates—half the time he didn’t act all that interested anyway.

“Well, that’s sweet… but you really have to go now.” I was beyond anxiety at this point and every second seemed like an opportunity for something else to go wrong. I just wanted him out.

“Okay, fine!” he said as he shook his head, visibly irritated, making his way to the door. I thought he was finally leaving when he stopped, dead in his tracks and turned around. I thought for a moment he might be onto me and it sent fear down my spine. Instead, he said the stupidest thing possible. “I know we aren’t exclusive or anything, but things were going so well…..I mean you were sooo into me” he spouted out with arrogance in his voice. I had a naked man in my closet and I was so into him? WOW. I’d done a pretty good job of holding it together, but when he said that—I laughed out loud. It was completely involuntary.

He looked so confused.

“Sorry, look, I’m standing here in the doorway in my robe, I’m running behind and I have to go. We can talk later.” I said with authority.

“All right.” He said and finally walked away. I shut the door and locked it this time.

Then I took a deep breath and was almost relieved, but then I remembered, Jack was still hiding in my closet. Crap!!! What was I going to say to him?

I made it back to my room to find Jack dressed and sitting on the edge of my bed.

“I’m so sorry.” I said feeling terribly embarrassed. He was my boss!!!! “That was one of the guys I was dating that I put off for you.” Fortunately, I’d been honest with Jack, as I had been with everyone, and he knew that I was dating other people.

“It’s okay; I just didn’t know if he was your brother, your pastor or what.” His cool demeanor put me at ease. I snuggled up next to him, finally relieved. We both took a deep breath, thought about it quietly for a second and then we both laughed like little children for a good ten minutes.

After a few minutes of laughter mixed with head shaking, I put some clothes on and we walked to the restaurant hand-in-hand, smiling the entire way.

Although that time is long past, believe it or not, Michael still drops by uninvited from time to time and still has no idea about what happened that day. And, although Jack remains one of my all-time favorite people, I don’t date him anymore either. In fact, I don’t date much at all. I learned, when it comes to dating, like with everything else, it’s not about quantity, but quality. I also learned over time that while dating can be a temporary ego booster, no one but me can make me feel good about myself. That being said, I can’t look at my closet without laughing hysterically. Men—if nothing else, they give you something to laugh about.