Читать книгу Escaping the Cult: One cult, two stories of survival - Kristina Jones - Страница 24

We were all were gathered in our living room ready for Word Time. I loved the fact that these days we got to do it as a family, which made it all seem so much more intimate and fun. Sometimes we chanted, other times we meditated in silence, waiting for our individual prophecies from Jesus. My faith was extremely strong and I took my prayers seriously.

‘I want to share something with you. Mama Maria has sent us a new revelation,’ my father said, shuffling a thick sheaf of papers. Revelations from Maria were coming in fast these days as she attempted to assert her leadership with a new set of guidance and rules, something she referred to as ‘the new wine’.

He started to read: ‘Come in unto me – let us be one! Let us love! Let us lie in each other’s arms. Kiss me, caress me, fuck me and love me, fill me to the full! Like you say, “Hold me!” Like you say, “I love you! I want you! I desire you! Come lie with me! Come fill me.”’

I cringed with embarrassment. The last thing any 15-year-old girl wants is her father saying the word ‘fuck’.

I got the sense he wasn’t any more comfortable than I was, but he carried on; ‘So the Lord’s prophecy is clear. Listen to this.’ He read more from the letter, explaining these were Jesus’s direct words given to Maria.

‘Do not be ashamed or afraid to speak these precious words of love to Me, for they are as special incense, special prayers that come up before Me, that fill My halls with a special perfume, a perfume of love and of lovemaking! It excites Me! It thrills Me! It makes Me want to give to you, and give and give some more, and again and again! As the thrust of a man upon a woman in lovemaking, so I want to give and give and fill you with My seeds! For when I smell this perfume in the halls of Heaven, I look upon you with great love and with great care and with great excitement, and I want to fill you to overflowing like none other can fill you! These things of the flesh are only a mere speck of the love that I have for you! But I give you the touches and the words and the feelings of the flesh and the sensations and the orgasms, the kiss upon kiss, the breast to breast, the being held, so that you will understand how I am with you.

‘So love Me and be not ashamed! Do not be afraid to say that you want Me. Do not be afraid to say that you want Me to fuck you and to love you and to kiss you, to hold you. For it is in these words that you convey the feeling of your heart. Yes, I want praise and adoration, I want words of thanksgiving, but they that love Me most understand that I also want words of caresses and words of wooing and words of endearment.’

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. When Jesus spoke to me it was usually to show me the way through a problem. He never said anything like this. I knew I loved Jesus; I loved him with all my heart and soul. But making out like I wanted to have sex with him? It sounded ridiculous.

I glanced over at my brothers and sister. Marc’s ears were glowing red, a sure sign he was embarrassed too. Matt was throwing my father one of his murderous expressions. Vincent was trying not to giggle.

My mother, however, was on her knees in prayer, her face down. Occasionally her head bobbed up and down in agreement. ‘Oh Jesus, sweet Jesus.’

I begged Jesus not to let her break into any dirty talk. That was more than I could have coped with. Dad droned on in a similar fashion for another hour. Thankfully he didn’t make us discuss it at the end. I don’t think he could have coped with that either. Alone upstairs later, Marc and I sat on my bed talking in horrified whispers.

‘Would you really do that? Could you?’

‘No way,’ he replied. ‘I’m a guy. Sorry, but I just don’t get how I am supposed to pretend to be a woman. I couldn’t do that if I tried.’

The letter from Maria explained that when men and boys talked dirty to Jesus they should do so as a woman and that they should consider themselves his bride. This was because Grandpa had hated gays. Being a homosexual was something that got a person excommunicated. Jesus was most definitely not gay so the only way a man could love Jesus sexually was by becoming a ‘woman in a spiritual sense’.

To Marc it was beyond offensive. ‘I mean, come on. How the hell am I meant to do that? It’s kind of perverse, don’t you think? I don’t even know what it means. Even if I did want to suck Jesus’s seed, which I do not by the way …’ At that I collapsed in giggles.

He shot me a look of admonishment. ‘I repeat … I said I do not. But even if they were standing over me making me do it, I have no idea what a woman even does when she masturbates. I mean, I know what she does, but what does she think? Oh man, this is messing my head up.’

At dinner that night I found it hard to even look at my father. Were he and Mom going to do this later that night?

The thought grossed me out, so I took it from my mind. I don’t think I’d ever really considered my parents’ sex life before. Of course sex was an everyday thing for me. I’d seen so much of it happen growing up, but they were my parents. I think every kid in the world gets freaked out thinking about their own parents doing it. So thinking about them doing it with Jesus … was just really, really weird.

My mother was busy talking about Mama Maria, extolling her virtues as leader. ‘I did wonder at first if she’d be able to cope with it. And I did think the charter of responsibilities and rights might have been a step too far. You know, I think she and King David lived in their ivory tower for so long I feared they were losing touch. But she seems to be leading well. She’s a good manager.’

The ‘charter’ my mother referred to had been announced in February 1995, not long before we left Indonesia. It was a key part of the ‘new wine’, setting out a code of rules for all members of The Family which stated that the secondary responsibility of a Family member was to believe that Father David and Mama Maria were God’s true and only End Time prophets. My parents had been unusually reticent about it, openly questioning to each other whether this was a sign the power had gone to her head.

Dad certainly seemed less sure as he discussed what we’d read today. ‘So this “new wine”. It certainly shines a light on bridal theology. I’m not sure that’s something I understood before. It’s challenging, but if I am getting the guidance in the right way she is saying that He truly becomes us, becomes our flesh.’

It would turn out a great many other second-generation members, especially the boys, shared my and Marc’s revulsion. Many of them were already struggling with the discipline, the poverty and the lack of freedom. This new doctrine sent a shockwave through the group, prompting a number of second-generation children to leave.

In a bid to stem the tide of growing unease, specific guidance was then issued for teens. ‘We have prayerfully gone over the material to make sure that it is suitable for your needs … Also, we don’t want to be guilty of giving you junior teens reading material that would be offensive or not legally permissible for people your age from the System’s point of view. We want to give you as much Word as we can, without going too far or causing any legal problems for The Family. We need to try to stay within the law.’

As it goes on it clearly reveals how she feared the doctrine might be perceived in the outside world: ‘By worldly standards, it is not very proper for a Christian to say “dong” and “cunt”, as those words are considered dirty slang words, but the Lord instructs us that if He chooses to use them, then they are clean, and we shouldn’t be offended or disgusted or turned off by them. However, just as you don’t make “fuck” a part of your normal everyday vocabulary, so you shouldn’t with these words either, especially not to outsiders!’

And, as always, there was the subtle reminder that none of this was being ‘forced’ on us, it was our ‘choice’: ‘Unless the Lord speaks to your heart personally and lays on your heart the burden to do it, you don’t have to feel as if you must masturbate. All of this is a very private matter, something between you and the Lord. If you want to love Jesus while masturbating, that’s up to you.’

But Mama Maria saw any negative questioning as a direct threat to her new leadership and took further steps to control the damage. She dismissed any critics of the ‘new wine’ as renegades when she published her next letter.