Читать книгу Killer Blonde - Laura Levine - Страница 12

To: Jausten

From: Shoptillyoudrop

Subject: You’ll Never Guess What Your Father’s Done Now

Well, honey, I hope things are fine in Los Angeles, because they sure aren’t fine here in Florida. You’ll never guess what your father’s done now. He’s gone and bought a toupee.

It wouldn’t be so bad if he’d bought a regular toupee or joined the Hair Club for Men like a normal human being. But no, your father bought the darn thing at a thrift shop. That’s right. He bought a used toupee!

We were at the thrift shop donating some clothing, when suddenly I looked up and saw Daddy with this ratty brown monstrosity on his head. I swear, Jaine, it looks just like squirrel fur. I begged him not to buy it, but you know how stubborn your father can be once he makes up his mind.

“Where am I going to find another toupee like this?” he asked. “Try the city dump,” I said. But he ignored me and bought it anyway. He insisted on wearing it out of the store. I was so darn angry I didn’t even tell him that the price tag was dangling down his neck.

And now he’s strutting around like he’s God’s gift to women. He thinks people are staring at him because he looks “dashing,” when the truth is they’re staring because he looks like a recent escapee from a lunatic asylum.

Today at the Tampa Vistas Clubhouse, old Mrs. Farraday took one look at the toupee and said, “What a cute hat. Just like the one Omar Sharif wore in Dr. Zhivago.”

You’d think your father would be embarrassed. But no. He says Mrs. Farraday is senile and wouldn’t know a quality toupee if it sat in her lap. Even worse, now he thinks he looks like Omar Sharif.

Honestly, Jaine, with that toupee on, your father is a totally different person. It’s like living with a stranger. A stranger with a dead squirrel on his head. I told him I absolutely refused to have “dipsy doodle” with him if he wore that damn thing to bed. And so for the time being at least, he’s taking it off at night.

Love from,

Mom

To: Shoptillyoudrop

From: Jausten

Subject: Try Not to Worry

Please, Mom, the less I know about you and Daddy “dipsy doodling,” the better.

Try not to worry. Daddy’s always trying new things. Sooner or later, he gets tired of them. Remember the time he bought that case of “factory seconds” self-tanning lotion and he was convinced he looked like George Hamilton until his skin turned orange?

To: Jausten

From: Shoptillyoudrop

Yes, I remember. We’re still paying the dermatologist’s bills.

To: Jausten

From: DaddyO

Subject: Good news

Hi, Cookie!

Did Mom tell you the good news? I bought a toupee. A top quality hairpiece. And what a difference it makes. I look years younger, and not only that, it keeps my head warm, too. Especially in air conditioned restaurants. I’ll bet I won’t catch half as many colds as I used to.

And I don’t mind admitting, I’m getting lots of interested looks from the ladies. One of the gals at the clubhouse told me I looked just like Omar Sharif.

I’m afraid your mother is jealous of all the attention I’m getting. She makes fun of me because I bought the toupee at a thrift shop, but look who’s talking. This is a woman who buys steaks from the shopping channel. Every supermarket in town sells steaks, but no, your mother has to buy them from the television. And she makes fun of me because I bought my hair at a thrift shop?

Take care, honey.

Your loving,

Daddy

PS. Here’s a cute joke I heard at the clubhouse: What goes CLOP CLOP, BANG BANG, CLOP CLOP?

An Armenian drive-by shooting!

To: DaddyO

From: Jausten

Thanks for the joke, Daddy. But I think it’s supposed to be an Amish drive-by shooting. Because their horses go clop clop. Get it?

About your new head of hair: Are you sure you want to be wearing a used toupee? I mean, you have no idea who might have worn it before you. What if they had a scalp disease?

To: Jausten

From: DaddyO

Subject: Previously Owned

First of all, honey. My toupee is not “used.” It’s “previously owned.” The lady at the thrift shop told me it belonged to Burt Reynolds! Either him, or Sam Donaldson. And no need to worry about germs. I’ve already sprayed it with Lysol.

To: Jausten

From: Shoptillyoudrop

Subject: Self-respecting germ

Your father just sprayed his toupee with Lysol. He needn’t have bothered. No self-respecting germ would be caught dead in that wig.

I’ve simply got to think of a way to get rid of it.

Your desperate,

Mom