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THREE

The Main Road Block to Overcome

Defeating Your Insecurities

MY OLDEST DAUGHTER, Bria, is a natural-born speaker and actor. From the time that she was a toddler, people would encourage me to get her involved in commercials. She had the charm, personality, smile, and the talent. By the time she was in middle school, I was pushing her to take speech classes and join the debate team. I wanted her to compete and win trophies as I did in school to celebrate her God-given talents, so I was ecstatic when she signed up for speech competitions. When it came time for her to compete in the district-wide competition, I immediately went into my archives to find some of the prose, poetry, and dramatic interpretative pieces that I performed in my glory days. Although she didn’t select anything from my archives, I encouraged her to do her best. She practiced and practiced while I coached and annoyed her.

As the competition day approached, I started to notice that Bria’s confidence in her ability was beginning to diminish. The big day finally arrived, and her nerves began to take over. Although I was unable to be there because of a work obligation, she called throughout the day with updates. I knew that she was in trouble when she began to tell me how good everyone else was compared to her and she hadn’t even performed yet. I kept trying to encourage her in every way that I could, but her confidence was shot and insecurity had settled in. When she gave her performance, it was filled with fear and self-doubt. She knew that she blew it. By the time she called me, through her sobs and shaking voice, she informed me that she didn’t place in the top three. Her exact words were, “I am not good enough, and I will never do this again.” How many times have you said that to yourself?

Hello, Insecurity

Everyone in life encounters one roadblock repeatedly: insecurity. For the past twenty years, I have flown around the country—working with companies, organizations, conferences, churches, schools, and individuals—listening to thousands of personal stories and answering many questions about life. The common thread that seems to underlie the majority of problems people face is a lack of self-esteem, which is to say feeling insecure about your worth and abilities. That is why I’m devoting an entire chapter to look at this major roadblock on your journey to an amazing life.

What Insecurity Looks Like

An insecure person lacks confidence in their own value and in their capabilities. They don’t trust in themselves and they constantly fear that a present positive state is temporary, and will cause them loss or distress by “going wrong” in the future. Insecurity can creep into every part of your life:

 Relationships—He is too good for someone like me.

 Finances—I’m always going to be broke.

 Jobs—I don’t deserve that raise.

 Physical appearance—I hate my body.

 Intellect—I’m not smart enough to do that.

 Material items—If I drove a better car maybe people would think I’m somebody.

 Spirituality—I feel like God is forsaking me.

When you look at the list, you can see how the fiber of self-doubt is housed in every corner of our lives. This roadblock is huge and stops many people from moving ahead. What can be done about this “silent killer” that sabotages relationships, jobs, self-esteem, and other pieces of your life? To answer that question, it is important to understand where it originates.

Where Insecurity Comes From

You were not born full of self-doubt and insecurity. It’s a feeling that comes about as you develop. You learned how to feel and what to think about yourself based on your environment and the nurturing you received (or didn’t receive) from your parents/caretakers from birth to adolescence. During various stages of your development, there is constant reinforcement—be it positive or negative—on your looks, behavior, and abilities. By the time you reach pubescence, you have developed an opinion of who you are, only to have it influenced by peers, whose opinions become a significant part of your psyche.

We all remember the middle and high school years, that awkward stage of trying to understand who you are and find an identity. Your parents could have done a terrific job of making you feel like a wonderful person, but if your peers belittled or shunned you, your self-esteem took a hit. Through development stages, these reinforcements began to shape what you thought about who you were. Some people never recover from those awkward days and carry those feelings of low self-esteem into adulthood.

I think it’s important to pause here and look at the three components that make up one’s overall evaluation of self: self-esteem, self-efficacy, and self-image.

Self-esteem (SE) is a person’s overall evaluation or appraisal of his or her own worth. It encompasses beliefs and emotions, the positive or negative evaluation of the self.

Self-efficacy (SEF) is the measure of one’s own competence to complete tasks and reach goals.

Self-image (SI) is the idea, conception, or mental image one has of oneself. It’s what you think about yourself, including your strengths and weaknesses.

All three of these characterizations are meaningful and vital to your progress and a low rating in one is a form of insecurity. It is possible to be high in one area and low in another. Let’s examine their interactions. Through these stories, you can see how the views of yourself interact and work with or against you.

HIGH SE AND SI—LOW SEF

Jerry has been working with BH Company for a while and has proved his value and worth. He knows that he is “the man” when it comes to looking the part, as he always makes sure that he is sharp and buttoned up. His manager offered him another position in the company that would require brand-new skills that he wasn’t as familiar with. Although he was willing to learn, he questioned whether he was up for the job.

HIGH SE AND SEF—LOW SI

Betty was rated the most valuable team player at the travel agency where she worked. Whatever needed to be done, she was the woman for the job. She knew that she did excellent work and could run circles around everyone else when it came to customer service. Although she knew that everyone appreciated her, she constantly fretted about her weight. She knew people judged her as fat and lazy because she was overweight.

HIGH SEF AND SI—LOW SE

Isabelle was a classy woman who held her head high. She was well educated and very competent with her knowledge and skills in working with clients at her financial planning firm. Yet, the management team always questioned her projects and decisions. When a coveted promotion becomes available, her friend encouraged her to apply, but Isabelle felt she wouldn’t be good at it, because there were so many people more qualified and talented than she.

How Low Self-Esteem Affects Your Life

Self-esteem, the category of security in ourselves that we are most familiar with, is linked to our mind, body, and spirit (MBS). Having low self-esteem negatively influences your life in a number of ways:

Depression: In many cases of depression, low self-esteem is an underlying factor. While it is certainly not the only cause, it is a great contributor. Not feeling good about who you are makes you feel that others around you don’t value or appreciate you. Some of the emotions that are associated with low esteem include melancholy, pessimism, anxiety, fear, feeling troubled, and being despondent.

Panic attacks: People with low self-esteem and a negative view of themselves are driven by a great deal of fear, which leads to anxiety, sometimes leading to anxiety attacks. This fear can be debilitating, as it keeps them on guard and with a pessimistic view of life, anticipating the worse. It can keep them from making sound decisions. There is little ambition present or the resilience needed to recover from disappointments. Low self-esteem sometimes leads to self-loathing.

Anti-social behaviors: An insecure person is not confident in their ability to bring value; they question their competence, distrust themselves, and can fear the future. Insecurity may contribute to the development of certain behaviors such as shyness, social withdrawal, arrogance, aggression, or even bullying, in some cases.

As you can see, having low self-esteem is a detriment to living an amazing life. Not only does it bring about a flood of negative emotions and behaviors, but it also can keep you stuck in a cycle of hopelessness. Sometimes people have the ability to hide their feelings of insecurity from others or camouflage them through isolation or arrogance. You may never know they are deeply insecure. Such was the case for Brenda.

Most people who saw her considered Brenda to be a beautiful woman. She had thick, gorgeous hair; beautiful brown eyes; a dazzling smile; and a perfect size eight body. She had a bubbly personality and seemed to love being around people. All of that was displayed on the outside, but when I talked with Brenda, she was very sad and insecure. She said that while the world may think that she is beautiful, that’s not what she sees or thinks when she looks in the mirror. The image looking back at her is sad and lonely. She doesn’t feel like she fits in with other people. Where others see beauty, she sees flaws. To bring Brenda to a road of recovery, we had to discover where this feeling first developed and begin to erase the subconscious thoughts. We focused on her inward characteristics, her accomplishments, and the meaningful things in her life. Through a series of exercises and activities, Brenda became conscientious of her thoughts and reprogrammed her thoughts and energy to create positive affirmations of herself.

This exercise will help you to examine your inner beauty and begin to re-create a new perception of yourself.

1 Make a list of twenty things that you like about your personality.

2 Make a list of ten physical attributes that you like about yourself.

3 Look back at your list of strengths and proudly own them as your strengths.

4 Write down what makes you unique.

5 Complete this sentence: I am the essence of beauty because I am ____________________

ROAD TO HIGHER SELF-ESTEEM

1 Focus on your inner beauty. You have a set of qualities that makes you uniquely you. Start to emphasize your inner magnificence by enhancing your strengths.

2 Become aware of your insecurities. Understanding what makes you feel insecure will help you to become conscious of your vulnerabilities and then negate those insecure thoughts.

3 Don’t compare yourself to others. Celebrate your uniqueness. Whether it’s physical or internal, everyone is different and you should celebrate and emphasize your greatness.

4 Don’t get caught up in wanting what others have. While our society and media seem to fixate on certain beauty standards, it can breed an environment of discontent. Appreciate you. Work with, and own, what you have been given.

5 A makeover may be in order. Remember hair, skin, weight, and many other physical attributes can be enhanced. Sometimes a makeover is what is needed to get you feeling great and recognizing your outward beauty. So head to your favorite makeup counter for some new tips and products, or, if you feel like splurging, hire a stylist to help you capture a new look.

6 Learn to love yourself. Fall in love with yourself and who you are. People can only love you as much as you love yourself.

Security Blankets

We have all experienced moments of insecurity in our lives. Our culture places so much emphasis on material possessions that people buy things they can’t afford just to look the part. It then becomes the cover that makes you feel secure, masking but not assuaging your insecurities. Take for instance, a status symbol we can all identify with—cars. There is a certain judgment that comes based upon the type of car a person drives. When you see someone driving a luxury vehicle, the assumption is that they must have the resources to afford the car, which places them at a certain status. When someone drives a clunker, the opposite is assumed.

I can remember driving my BMW 325 off the showroom floor. I was as proud as a peacock, and I loved how everyone looked at and responded to me. My husband and I had another luxury vehicle at the time as well. While it seemed that we could afford it, the BMW wasn’t a wise financial decision in the long run because the high payments didn’t allow for us to save as much as we should have. But it certainly made me feel and look good. As time moved on I had to sell my “baby” because my real babies and their car seats couldn’t all fit in my car. Minivan, here I come. In that, too, I sought status.

A minivan was prestigious in the “mommy world” if your van had all the bells and whistles. After a while, it was time for another upgrade! A brand-new Lincoln Navigator was in order. Of course, life took an unpleasant turn and divorce happened. After which, I ended up with an older car that was a huge downgrade from the previous vehicles. It was what I could afford at the time, but what about my pride and dignity? I realized how much of my self-worth I had tied up in driving the “right” car, which is ridiculous. I kept reminding myself, I am not my car.

I would be willing to bet that you, too, have fallen into this trap of getting a boost in self-worth through a prestigious purchase like a car, designer handbag, or fine jewelry. It’s not that these material possessions are in and of themselves a problem, but they become so when they become a barometer for your overall worth.

Here is a list of questions that will help you to determine your security blankets. Be as honest as you can when answering these questions, because it will help you clear your pathway to authenticity and confidence in yourself, and not things.

1 Can you think of a time in your past where you relied on a status symbol? What was it?

2 Have you made excuses for the type of car you drive, where you live, or what you wear?

3 Have you ever embellished your financial standing?

4 Have you ever purchased something you couldn’t afford to impress others?

5 Do you feel good about the things that you have acquired?

Jealousy, Insecurity’s Close Cousin

Being jealous of someone is to have resentment that they have something you don’t. You somehow believe them to be a rival and your competitor. Jealousy can also include the fear of being replaced by another person. This type of jealousy can creep into relationships. It’s a destructive emotion that combines negative thoughts with feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something or someone you value.

Jealousy can present itself through a combination of emotions, such as anger, resentment, inadequacy, helplessness, and disgust. It can lead to fear of abandonment and feelings of rage. Everyone at some time or another has either felt jealous or experienced someone being jealous of them. While it is a familiar human emotion, it can be crippling and can destroy relationships.

There are different types of jealousy that are part of the human experience:

Family. Sibling rivalry is the most common type of family jealousy. This can happen when there are constant comparisons made of one sibling to another and/or there is more attention or favoritism given to one over the other. This behavior promotes the thought of a family member being your competitor or adversary.

Workplace jealousy. This happens when someone feels threatened by another person’s abilities, appearance, status, and/or business relationships. When one person feels that they are deserving of what their colleague may have gotten—promotion, raise, project, or attention—an adversarial, and sometimes hostile, work environment may exist and can be the cause of conflict and power struggles among team members.

Romantic jealousy. This emotion can be experienced in long-term or short-term relationships. It’s one of the most common types of jealousy because of the strong emotional bonds that can leave one open to potential heartbreak. If there’s a perception or belief that one person is giving more attention or time to someone outside of the relationship, jealousy will bloom. Even the sight of a random attractive person may cause a normally secure partner to be concerned that they could be replaced.

Friendship jealousy. This is the form of jealousy that is felt in friendships. It stems from the same type of insecurities that are felt in other relationships: feelings of comparison, a fear of being replaced, and feelings of competition. For women, they may feel replaced (or that they will be replaced) by another female friend or by a new boyfriend if their friend starts to date. The same applies to men.

If you understand that jealousy stems from insecurity, then you can work toward building your confidence, which will help you rid your mind and spirit of jealousy.

Kick Up the Confidence

Now let’s examine how to overcome and manage insecurity. We do this by looking at its opposite trait: confidence. Confidence is believing in yourself, your powers, and/or abilities. Self-confident people are assertive, optimistic, eager, independent, trustworthy, and have the ability to handle criticism and accurately assess their capabilities. Self-confidence is like money—we all think that everyone else has more of it than we do. In reality, it’s rarely something that comes naturally or without any effort.

The effort that you put in to building your self-confidence will be worth it to help you get where you want to in life. In fact, self-confidence is one of the key ingredients to your success. Without it, it’s virtually impossible to accomplish your goals. We established in the previous chapter that you cannot be successful without establishing goals. In turn, you have to believe in your ability and power to achieve your goals. However, having self-confidence does not mean that you will always succeed in what you do. If you examine the record of accomplishment of every successful person, you will find that they failed more often than they succeeded. However, they never dwelled on their failures. They concentrated on their goals, believed in themselves, and pushed ahead. Trusting in your abilities gives you a general sense of control in your life, and you believe, within reason, that you will be able to do what you wish, plan, and expect.

Your definition of success has to include a high level of confidence because it requires you to be willing to risk the disapproval of others because you trust and believe in your abilities. Since you can accept your own definition of success, you don’t feel the need to conform to what others think in order to be accepted.

Self-confidence is a state of mind developed and perfected by the most successful people in the world. It’s something you can create and perfect just like anyone else. Self-confidence is an attitude, which allows individuals to have positive yet realistic views of themselves and their situations. If you seriously want to create self-confidence, then you need to change the way your mind focuses on things. You need to teach yourself to create a new way of thinking and develop what I call “success energy.” How many times have you seen or met someone for the first time and just gotten the sense that they are successful? You might not have exchanged a word with them but you just sense that they are a success. You’re picking up what I call “success energy.” You can have the same! Yes, you can. Self-confidence is not given to you; it’s created. This means that you can create self-confidence to any degree you want.

It‘s list time. This exercise will help you to examine many of the “greats” in your life and acknowledge the successes you’ve had. Making lists, rereading them, and rewriting them from time to time will help build your self-confidence.

Make a list of …

1 At least five things you admire about yourself. Examples include the way you’ve raised your children; the good relationship you have with your brother; or your strong spirituality.

2 The five greatest achievements in your life so far. This could include recovering from a serious illness; graduating from high school; or learning to use a computer.

3 At least twenty accomplishments (small or large). These accomplishments can range from simple, like learning to cook or going to the gym faithfully, to advanced, like getting a post-graduate degree.

4 Ten ways you can “treat” or reward yourself. This list should not include food or items with a price tag. Think of walking through a park, napping, watching your children playing on a playground, or catching up with a friend.

5 Ten things you can do to make yourself laugh. This can be anything from watching your favorite comedy to trying on silly hats.

6 Ten things you could do to help someone else. These things can range from something small like baking cookies for a sick friend or mowing an elderly neighbor’s yard to something more involved like dropping dinner off at your busy sister’s house or cleaning out your parent’s basement.

7 Ten things that you do that make you feel good about being yourself. Examples could include being a good mom, running in a 5K, or having a green thumb.

How did you do? Did you struggle to complete any of the lists? If you did, that helps you identify the area(s) that you need to work on. For instance, if you had difficulty identifying twenty accomplishments over your lifetime, this could indicate that you don’t feel good about things that you’ve done, or that you don’t view them as praiseworthy. When you are able to complete that (troublesome) list, look over it and feel proud about the things that you’ve done. You may feel or have been taught to feel that you shouldn’t focus on or talk about your accomplishments, because that’s being conceited or being a show-off. However, when you can focus your energy on your positive behaviors, your perspective of yourself is enhanced. I have dealt with many people who shun themselves, diminish their accomplishments, and/or don’t reward themselves, and end up feeling inadequate and unhappy. To overcome this, continue to add to these lists. Look over them, think about them, and study them. Work on believing the great things about yourself that you have listed. It will really help to kick your confidence into gear.

Boosting your self-confidence.

1 Think positively about yourself. Refer back to your list and your positive traits, strengths, and things that you admire about yourself.

2 Set goals that are realistic and will meet your expectations. For instance, set your goals at a reasonable level so that what you accomplish is equal (or almost equal) to what you set out to accomplish. This can boost your self-confidence and self-satisfaction.

3 Reward/praise yourself when you have done well.

4 Whenever something upsetting or disappointing occurs, be aware of your thoughts. Think logically about the situation instead of reacting merely on the basis of your emotions.

5 Focus on your strengths. Don’t dwell on your weaknesses.

6 Realize that there are certain things that you are more adept and competent in than others. Acknowledge that it’s impossible to expect perfection in every aspect of your life.

7 Do not attribute your achievements and accomplishments only to luck. Instead, give yourself credit for achievements that have come as a result of your effort and hard work.

8 Learn to be assertive. That is, learn to express your feelings, opinions, beliefs, and needs directly, openly, and honestly, while not violating the rights of others. For example, learn to stand up for your rights and say “no” to unreasonable requests.