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TWO

Time to Recalibrate

Defining Your Destiny

IN THE PREVIOUS CHAPTER, we looked at ways we get lost and people or things we may have gotten lost in. We also reflected in our journals about what ways we personally have felt lost and how we’ve coped with it thus far. We’ve decided not to be like Stubborn Sams and others who stay stuck. This is good news, because admitting that we’re lost and choosing to do something about it are two necessary components to getting unlost. In this chapter we’re going to look at how to recalibrate our routes so we’re back on track—back on the journey to an amazing life!

First, you’re going to need to make some decisions about the journey you want to make. As with any trip, it’s important to start with the fundamentals: Where would you like to go? How long will it take you to get there? What route will you take? Whom are you taking with you? What are you expecting out of the journey? You may find it helpful to write down these questions in your Amazing Life notebook and leave some room for the answers. We’ll take some time to think more about and answer these critical questions a little bit later, but before you begin thinking about the actual journey, you need to think about you, the driver, and about what motivates you.

The Man/Woman in the Mirror

Who Are You?

When you look in the mirror, do you have a clear indication of who is looking back at you? How much soul searching have you done to discover who you really are? I know that may sound like a strange question because after all, surely you know yourself. Maybe you knew your old self, but news flash—the person in the mirror is constantly changing. What you want from your life, what you enjoy doing, what scares you, etc., is not going to be the same today, as it was five or ten years ago. As humans, we are constantly growing and adapting, yet sometimes we are stuck in the mindset that we are a version of ourselves that may not fit the person we actually are now. You have changed since last year. Some of your opinions, thoughts, beliefs, likes, and dislikes have shifted. For example, I have a friend who hated sushi, and would decline every time I tried to persuade her to join me at my favorite sushi place. Apparently, she was out to lunch recently with her co-workers and they talked her into trying the “crab dynamite” roll. Her taste buds fell in love with it. Now, surprisingly enough, she’s the one calling me and suggesting sushi! That’s a small example, but it just goes to show you that we can always surprise others, even those who know us best. Moreover, sometimes we can even surprise ourselves.

While you must allow room for the inevitable changes in your personalities and preferences, it’s also important to be in touch with what brings you satisfaction, joy, pride, and fulfillment. When you’ve lost touch with the core of who you are, that’s when you feel lost.

That was the case for Melanie, who didn’t have a clue about who she was or what she wanted from life. Reluctantly, she went to college because she wanted to please her parents. Her college days were filled with parties, hanging out with friends, and attending football games. Knowing that she eventually had to declare a major, she selected Early Childhood Education. She’s not sure why she chose that, because she never liked babysitting. After graduation, instead of getting a job that followed her major, she decided to get her real estate license. That only lasted a year and she then went into retail management. Even her love of clothes didn’t keep her there longer than two years. She then decided to try her skills as an actress, as she had always done well in speech and drama classes. When that didn’t pan out, she became a loan officer. Although she did not really like that job, she had grown weary of jobhopping and the instability that brought. She just couldn’t seem to figure out what she wanted or who she really was. Melanie was thirty-five and she still didn’t have a clue.

You want to avoid falling into such a rut—or if you’re already in one, you need to know how to get out. By not taking time to take a step back and figure out what she wanted from life, Melanie meandered through, always feeling discontented. Once she took the time to realize what would make her happy, she was able to take the steps she needed to achieve happiness. Through a series of tests and evaluations that she took at a career center online, Melanie discovered that she really liked to manage things and help people. She was hired on with a midsized company and has excelled in her position. At last, she found career satisfaction.

Here is a simple exercise that will help you recognize your current likes and dislikes, as well as help you discover if you’re doing the things you say you like to do.

1 Make a list of twenty things that you like. This may include things that you like to do such as walking in the park, traveling, or reading a book. It may also include things that you like about life.

2 Now write down twenty things that you don’t like. This could include things like spiders and spinach as well as activities like being in traffic or watching scary movies.

3 Take a look at the list of things that you like. How many of the things do you actually do or experience on a regular basis? If you’re not experiencing the things that you say you like in life, why not? Who is stopping you from enjoying your life?

4 Now take a look at the list of things you don’t like. Are they things that you can avoid? If there are things that you can’t avoid, such as traffic, it’s important to create ways to make that activity more enjoyable. For instance, listen to an informational CD, or your favorite radio station to help to alleviate the stress and dislike of the situation.

When you look at your list of likes/dislikes, is there a pattern in the list? Does the majority of your list consist of people, foods, places, or objects? It’s helpful to see what your thoughts center on, because this in turn helps you identify what’s important to you. If your likes were about people, then you are focused on people. If they were mainly about food, you’re focused on foods, and so on.

Let’s now delve deeper and explore your personal definition of success.

What Do You Want from Life?

If you were to consider your life successful, what would that look like? Success means something different to each of us. For you, it might be something like this: I want more money, I want a bigger house, I want a better job, I want a better husband, I want a better wife, I want a better car, I want a new boyfriend, I want a new girlfriend … you get the picture. But how do you define “better”? Instead of being vague, narrow in on exactly what you want. The specificity of your language dictates what you get. For example, instead of saying, “I’d like a bigger house,” put a size to it, such as “I would like a 3,500-square-foot house with a swimming pool.” Likewise, saying you want a better job is not definite enough; include the type of salary, benefits, travel, etc., that you would like. This sort of precision is what will bring about what you desire.

If I asked you to make a list of successful people, who would be on your list? My list would consist of Bill Gates, Oprah Winfrey, Warren Buffett, Barbara Walters, Beyoncé, and Bishop T.D. Jakes, among others. It’s easy to classify these individuals as successful from what we’ve seen them accomplish—rising to the top of their respective fields, amassing wealth and fame along the way, and winning countless awards. On any “success list,” many of the names that we recognize would be people who are “rich and famous.” What about winners of the Nobel Peace Prize, which is hailed as one of the highest awards and accomplishments? Would they make your list? Think about it. As you think about that, read this next story to observe the differences of what success means to different people.

Harry and Larry were twin brothers. It was difficult for anyone to tell them apart; even their parents had trouble when they were born, and so their mother never dressed them alike. As they matured, like many twins, they took advantage of switching places and confusing people. But as much as they were alike, their fundamental definitions of success were completely different. Harry believed that his Harvard degree, seven-thousand-square-foot home with an indoor pool in a gated community, and Mercedes S-550 marked the epitome of success. Larry, on the other hand, felt that he was just as successful with his community college degree, 1,800-square-foot duplex, and five-year-old Buick. Is Harry more successful than Larry because of his material possessions? No. Larry was just as successful as Harry was because his definition of success included graduating from college with a degree, living in a small cozy house, and having no car payments or student loans bills. He accomplished his goals and reached the level he set of success.

There are certain things that some people may consider successful: finishing college, owning a home, starting a business, landing a star role in a movie/play, etc. However, what’s important is what your version of success looks like. What does success look like for you? It is imperative that you clearly, and with as much detail as possible, define your vision of personal success. Is it having a five-bedroom home with a pool, driving a luxury vehicle, and working as an executive? Or, does your vision include owning a minivan and a three-bedroom home with a front yard? As you contemplate that question, avoid thinking about what others have accomplished or achieved. Make sure that your definition of success is about you. If you look around at other people and their so-called successes, inevitably you will begin to feel like an underachiever. There will always be someone who has more money and more ideas, and who has accomplished more goals than you. So just focus on you and the things you want.

Think about how you would define success. In your Amazing Life notebook, write your definition of success. It may help if you first complete these sentences.

I will be successful when I have …

I will be successful when I am …

I will be successful because I am not …

I will be successful because I finished …

Now that you know what success means to you, remember to measure yourself by this standard of success, not someone else’s definition of success. I started my career as an educator teaching third and fourth grade. I worked in an urban school district in Oklahoma City. I had been teaching for only two years when I was tested in this philosophy. I was an innovative and vivacious teacher, and constantly worked hard to improve my skills. After attending teacher training classes given by Marva Collins, a national educator, I implemented the strategies learned at her school and had my students learning college vocabulary and Shakespeare in the fourth grade. Word got out in the district and one of the principals brought his teachers to my class to observe my classroom techniques. That afternoon, my principal called me into her office. I thought that she would be proud to have a secondyear teacher who was a rising star. Instead of supporting me, she said, “Mrs. Gladney, you are good, but you are not the best, so don’t get a big head.” I paused for only a second and then replied, “I am the best, because I don’t measure myself by anyone’s standards but my own.” You see, I already had defined what success meant to me. My students loved school, they loved learning, and they were above grade level, and I loved teaching. To me, that was the epitome of success.

Life-Gauging Questions

I would like for you to ask yourself three questions:

1 Am I happy with my life?

2 Am I reaching my potential?

3 Am I making a difference?

I refer to these three questions as life-gauging queries. Gauges on a car show measurements. For example, the gas gauge shows if your tank is full, half full, almost empty, etc. In order to have an amazing life, you want your happiness, potential, and make-adifference gauges to be on “full.” So think of these questions like checking the fluids and the air pressure in the tires before you hit the road. But, since this is your personal journey, and not a car trip, the levels should be rising rather than declining as you get closer and closer to your destination—your amazing life. Every few months pose these queries to yourself. If the answer is “no” to any question, or the level has dropped from your previous check-up, then you need to make some necessary adjustments to get yourself back on a course where you feel you are making the most of life.

Take some time now to reflect on the answers to these three questions and record your responses in your journal.

Set Your Mind on Success

If you live in a large city, you’re probably familiar with high-occupancy vehicle lanes (HOV). These HOV lanes were developed to increase average vehicle occupancy with the goal of reducing traffic congestion and air pollution. I remember moving to Dallas and being a part of the hundreds of cars that were sitting on the freeway stuck in traffic on a regular basis. Meanwhile, there was one lane—the HOV lane—where all of the cars were driving with lightning speed. They were moving toward their destination, while those of us stuck in traffic in the other lanes watched them zoom by. To use our life journey metaphor: these people were zooming by in the “success lane,” and that was enabling them to get to their destination on time. They also exercised the foresight to get in the lane in the first place by making sure they had the minimum number of passengers required and keeping alert for the limited number of entrances into the lane. They were also aware of exactly where to exit. (I have seen people try to jump into the lane at the last minute, but it’s dangerous and comes with a hefty fine.) The HOV lane is for people who know where they’re going and want to get there quickly. Does that sound like you? Are you prepared for success?

In order to be successful in your life, you have to make the decision to be successful. Decide that you want to be successful, and then act on that decision. In every area of your life that you want to make a change, you have to decide that you want to make a change. The key is in making the decision. When you commit to the decision, every fiber of your being will align itself with that decision. I’m sure you’re thinking, It can’t really be that simple or everybody would be successful. After all, you may know someone who has said they want to be successful but they’re not. But saying and doing are not the same things. It’s important, at this point in our discussion, to explain to you where success starts—it begins in your mind.

Let’s look at Chris. He had been battling with his weight since he was in elementary school. By the time he was in high school, his doctor classified him as obese. As he grew into young adulthood, his excessive weight even got in the way of attending college. As he approached thirty he begin to realize that he may never find the girl of his dreams because it was hard for people to see beyond his weight. He had tried many diets and weight-loss plans, but they were never successful for him. Finally he reached his breaking point, and decided that he was going to lose the weight no matter what it took. His mind was made up. And, because this time was the real deal, his body began to respond. Chris lost seventy pounds that year. He looks and feels great.

To help you understand this phenomenon, I want to explain to you how the body and mind work together. First, we will take a brief look at your brain. While there are many parts to your brain, we will only focus on the two that are relevant to this chapter. The most familiar and the most talked about portion of the brain is the cerebrum, which is the largest part of the brain. It’s associated with conscious thought, movement, and sensation. It consists of two halves, each controlling a side of the body. The halves are connected by the corpus callosum, which delivers messages between them. The other part that I want to emphasize is the hypothalamus, which is the master gland and is instrumental in regulating drivers and emotions. When you have a thought, it generates from your cerebrum. It’s then transferred to your hypothalamus, which prompts your actions. Think of it in this way: when you make a decision, your brain tells your body to form an assembly line to get the job done. This is just another way of saying that your body aligns itself with your thoughts. If you truly want to succeed, your body will do everything possible to help you get there.

Have you made up your mind? Have you decided that you truly want to change your life? If so, your body is waiting for its marching orders. It will do what is necessary to align itself in support of your decision. This requires some action steps that will be discussed in the following chapters. Your commitment to yourself begins with a signed contract. You can duplicate the writing below in your notebook, or go on to my Web site (www.creatingamazinglives.com) to download a copy.

Success Contract

I, __________________, on this, the __________________ day of, __________________, 20 ___, am making a declaration that I am in the driver’s seat of my life. I am ready to take control of my thoughts, actions, and success. I have made a decision that I am ready to create an amazing life for myself. By signing this contract, I am in agreement with myself that I will do everything within my power to make a deliberate effort to be healthy in mind, body, and spirit. I understand that by doing so will result in success in every area of my life. I am truly ready to create an amazing life.

Destiny-Defining Questions

As I mentioned before, in order to be successful, you must be very clear about what you want from life. These next three questions will help you create your own personal success system. Don’t be fooled by the simplicity of the questions. It’s how you answer them that will help you to determine your success. After you’ve looked at a question, write your answers in your Amazing Life notebook.

1. Where Am I?

This is the time to check in and find out exactly where you are on your journey. If you’ve ever looked at a mall directory, one of the first things you see is the big red arrow pointing to the spot that says “You are here!” Seeing exactly where you are helps you orientate yourself and know how far away you are from your destination. As I shared earlier, I had to evaluate just where I was after my twenty-year marriage ended in a divorce. I examined my life on an emotional, financial, spiritual, and physical level. I have to admit that things did not look good. When I took a hard look at where I was, I had to hold back the tears and practice my stress-breathing techniques. Nothing could have prepared me for the emotional depletion that was taking place in my body as I stared at the hard cold facts in front of me.

Perhaps you find it difficult to face your current state, but in order to move forward, you have to be prepared to confront the truth of your situation, whatever it may be. We all know people who prefer to live in a state of ignorance than acknowledge the fact that their finances or lives are in shambles. Maybe it’s your brother who spends money on electronic gadgets and then borrows money from you to pay his bills. Maybe your friend is in an unhealthy relationship yet claims that she’s okay because she sees nothing wrong. It may be your husband who refuses to open an unpaid bill, almost convincing himself that if he doesn’t look at it, the bill doesn’t exist.

Behaving like Stubborn Sam will keep you stuck in a cycle of getting nowhere. Becoming “real,” admitting the situation, and focusing on where you are begins recovery of any kind. To move forward in life is to have a realistic assessment of where you are.

I want you to take a minute to evaluate your life in six categories— family, job/career, finances, health, relationships, and spirituality. You can record your answers in your Amazing Life notebook.

Rate your satisfaction in these categories on a scale of 1–10 with 1 being the lowest, meaning you are not at all satisfied in this area, and 10 being the highest, meaning you are exceptionally satisfied in this area.

You will probably notice that your scores may be high in some areas and very low in others. The ones you scored lowest will be your priority areas for improvement. Your goal is to achieve an 8 or above in each category. Throughout the book, you will be provided with strategies that will help you increase your score in each of the categories.

2. Where Do I Want to Go?

Now that you have a realistic picture of how successful you do (or don’t) feel in these key areas, you can begin to identify specific areas of improvement.

The first step in identifying what you need to improve upon is to look at the six categories again and write your desired score for each category. For example, if you rated yourself a three in the finance category, what score would you like to achieve that will make you sufficiently satisfied? Next, determine as precisely as possible why you evaluated that category with the number that you did. Perhaps you rated yourself a three because you have $15,000 in debt and only $200 in savings. Determine the dollar amount that you would need to decrease your debt by and increase your savings by that would make you satisfied and thus raise your score. Repeat this same exercise for each category that needs improvement. In the end, your chart might look something like this:

	Current score	Desired score
Family	3	10
Job/career	4	8
Finances	3	10
Health	6	9
Relationships	4	9
Spirituality	3	8

	Reason	Goal
Family	Spend only 30 minutes a day with kids	Spend at least two hours a day with them
Job/career	Feeling stagnant	Research new job opportunities
Finances	$7k debt / $200 in savings	$3.5k debt/$1,000 in savings
Health	15 pounds overweight	Lose 15 pounds
Relationships	Hardly ever check on my siblings	Commit to calling siblings 2x/month
Spirituality	Spend little time on my inner self	Spend 30 minutes a day on inspirational reading, praying, meditating

3. How Do I Get There?

Gabby didn’t like where things were in her life. She felt stuck at a deadend job, had no money in savings, had a broken relationship, hadn’t spoken to her sister in years, and felt like she didn’t have a spiritual connection to God. So much in her life seemed broken. She knew that things needed to be fixed, but where do you start when every area of your life seems to be in shambles?

If you are like Gabby, it can feel overwhelming if more than one area of your life needs improvement. The challenge of tackling so many things may seem daunting, so you circle right back to denial and make no changes at all. The trick is to develop a blueprint for success, with goals that are small, clear, and manageable. This is where you map out the directions—the planning stage. You have to write out your goals, the plan, and a timeline. Armed with a detailed plan, you will feel more empowered to tackle changes, and feel encouraged as you check off action items.

This strategy proved to be successful for Gabby. She got back on track by first admitting that she needed help and seeking guidance. When she and I met, we created a plan for her life. We focused on one area at a time, starting on strategies for her relationships. That helped to bring a sense of peace and stability. Then she was able to focus on recovery of her finances, which included setting goals for herself such as establishing a budget, updating her résumé, and following a financial plan.

Let’s go back and look at our finance example. In my scenario, you rated yourself a three because of high debt and low savings. And then you said you wanted to decrease it by $3,500. Is that a realistic number for you? It’s time to do some number crunching. Once you have an attainable figure, you can brainstorm ways to decrease that debt to reach that goal. These ways are called action steps. One such step would be that you can cut your spending, another might be that you also need to consider ways to make additional money—a part-time job or a side business. Chapter 11 is dedicated to helping you unblock money flow and create additional income, but you can begin now to make a specific plan (your action steps) for decreasing your debt if that’s in your financial category. For example, continuing with the earlier scenario, your debt is at $7,000 and you want to get down to half that plus increase your savings from $200 to $1,000. Following these four suggested steps will give you a year to meet this goal:

Step 1. Cut extra spending. Considering a family of three or four, here are some examples of things you might cut:

1 Cable—$640 yearly (opt for watching movies on DVDs that you check out for free at the library and read your news online—and watch the savings accumulate)

2 Starbucks—$440 yearly (skipping a latte twice a week adds up)

3 Eating out—$1,920 yearly (eat at home four more days a month and your family could save a bundle each year)

4 Membership/Association—fees $200 yearly (taking a break from memberships that aren’t essential means more money in the bank)

You are just on step one and have already saved $3,200—that’s only $300 away from the amount you wanted to pay off on your debt. To pay off your desired $3,500 and also increase your savings by $800, you still have $1,100 to go.

Step 2. Increase your monthly income (see Chapter 11 for ways to do this). To make up the remaining $1,100, you only need to make about $150 gross per month, but if you make more than that, say $450 a month (roughly an extra $100 a week), you would have almost all of your $7,000 in debt paid off as well, even with taxes and a tithe or donation to charity figured into the equation.

Step 3. As you begin to save and make money each month from these expense cuts and additional income, start paying it toward your credit card and putting some aside in savings as well so that you reach your goals in both categories by the end of the year.

Step 4. Once your debt is all paid off, continue to put aside money each month in savings so that next time an unexpected expense comes your way, you can pay in cash rather than going in debt again.

As you can see, this process is extensive, but it’s imperative if you plan to make changes in your life and raise your satisfaction score. Repeat this process for each category, making goals and then action steps. By the time you finish, you will have built a systematic process for reaching all of your goals.

Setting Your Mind on Goals

I am certain that you have heard time and time again how important it is to have goals and write them down, and perhaps you are even familiar with the research around goal setting. For instance, in 1979 the Harvard School of Business interviewed new graduates from the Harvard’s MBA program and found that:

 84 percent had no specific goals at all.

 13 percent had goals, but they weren’t committed to paper.

 3 percent had clear, written goals as well as plans to accomplish them.

In 1989, the interviewers again interviewed the graduates of that class. You can guess the results:

 The 13 percent of the class who had goals were earning, on average, twice as much as the 84 percent who had no goals at all.

 Even more staggering—the 3 percent who had clear, written goals were earning, on average, ten times as much as the other 97 percent put together.

Sociologists that have studied success and failure find that 95 percent of people never have any written goals, but of the 5 percent that do have written goals, 95 percent have reached their goals.

Despite the fact that most people would agree with the statement that setting goals is important, they don’t often feel the need to take it a step further and write them down, which I believe to be vital. There are several reasons that people give for not setting or writing down goals:

1 Believe that because they know them, they don’t need to write them down

2 Don’t have time

3 Don’t see the importance of doing it

4 Can’t keep track of where they write them

5 Have no desire to do it

6 Fear of failure

7 Don’t know how to write goals

To help you further understand the power of the written word and thus why it’s so important to write your goals, let’s take another look at how your brain works. According to studies, educational researchers suggest that approximately 83 percent of human learning occurs visually, and the remaining 17 percent comes from the other senses—11 percent through hearing; 3.5 percent through smell; 1 percent through taste; and 1.5 percent through touch. Because your brain processes information visually, it’s extremely important that anything you deem important and want to remember be written down in order to stimulate your brain and to store in your memory. Simply put, you can forget what you don’t see. So goal writing equals success, which means, you’ll want to get started on writing your goals down right away!

Let’s look at how to write specific goals. These goals are what I refer to as TARGET goals. TARGET is an acronym for tangible, achievable, reward, growth related, exciting, and timeline. Here’s an example of a TARGET goal:

Tangible—Cleaning out the garage.

Achievable—Yes, but I may need some help from a friend.

Reward—Will treat myself to dinner for accomplishing this task.

Growth related—Doing this will help me get organized.

Exciting—I’ll be able to park my car inside.

Timeline—I will do it over the weekend.

So the actual goal would be written out as follows:

Goal—I will call Tracy to help me clean out the garage this weekend to help me get organized and be able to park my car. Dinner is on me for our hard work.

You’ve admitted that you’re lost and you’ve decided to get unlost. You’ve made a decision to change and you signed a contract with yourself. You’ve looked at who you are and how you’re doing in six critical life categories. Now it’s time to look at those fundamental questions, which were listed at the beginning of this chapter, and write down the answers to those questions in your notebook: Where you would like to go? What route will you take? How long will it take you to get there? Whom are you taking with you? What are you expecting out of the journey?

Now that you know more about the process of setting goals, you can fill in specifics for some of those questions using the TARGET approach detailed above.

Use these steps to help you prepare for your journey:

1 Chart your route. Planning and writing your goals is the only way you are going to get to your destination.

2 Pack necessary supplies. Gather the important things that you will need to accomplish your goals. For example, you may need to purchase large trash bags and steel shelves in order to clean and organize your garage. Or, if you want to lose weight, you may need to purchase a Zumba video for your workouts. Get whatever you need working within your budget to help you achieve your goal.

3 Know your estimated time of arrival (ETA). The timeline for reaching your goals is crucial in helping you to achieve them. A timeline helps to motivate your body and mind into action.

4 Divide the trip into practical miles. Be realistic with your goals. If you don’t have any savings and want to have $2,000 in savings, chances are that your current income isn’t going to leave you with enough cash at the end of the month to save $500 a month and reach your goal in four months. However, as you cut expenses and earn additional income, you can save $167 per month and reach your goal in twelve months. In the same way, if you want to run a marathon and you aren’t currently running, you don’t want to start out running three or four miles at a stretch. Everything has to done in increments that build upon each other. Success comes in small steps. You take them one at a time.

5 Integrate excitement into your journey. Your goals need excitement. It gets boring doing the same thing repeatedly. When you’re in the car on a long road trip, you may play music or listen to talk radio to add excitement. If you have children, you might play games or sing songs, or they might watch videos, read books, or draw pictures for stimulation. It’s important to carry over this concept to your goals by adding some excitement to them. For example, if you’re starting a new workout routine, buy some new, fun workout clothes. If you are cleaning out the garage, put your iPod on and listen to and/or dance to your favorite music.

6 Stop at the rest stop when necessary. Don’t hesitate to take a break when you need to. Sometimes you may have to stop and regroup or set a new timeline for your goals. Make certain that your break is planned and you create a new strategy. You don’t want your rest stop to become an indefinite detour.

7 Celebrate your arrival. When you achieve your goal, remember to reward yourself so you stay motivated. It can be a small incentive, such as an ice cream sundae or a new book, or a big reward, such as a trip. Choose something that you really want so that the reward itself is worth you reaching your goal.