Читать книгу Anna Karenina - The Annotated & Unabridged Maude Translation - Leo Tolstoy - Страница 26

WHEN Anna arrived Dolly was sitting in her little drawing-room giving a fair-haired, plump little boy (who already resembled his father) a French reading-lesson. The boy, as he read, kept twisting and trying to pull off a loose button that hung from his jacket. His mother moved his plump little hand away several times, but it always returned to the button. At last she pulled the button off and put it into her pocket.

‘Keep your hands quiet, Grisha,’ she said, and again took up the rug she was knitting, a piece of work begun long ago, to which she always returned in times of trouble, and which she was now knitting, nervously throwing the stitches over with her fingers and counting them. Though she had sent word to her husband the day before that she did not care whether his sister came or not, she had prepared everything for her visit and awaited her with agitation.

Dolly was overpowered by her sorrow and was quite absorbed by it. Nevertheless, she remembered that her sister-in-law, Anna, was the wife of one of the most important men in Petersburg, and a grande dame. Thanks to that circumstance she did not carry out her threat to her husband, and did not forget that her sister-in-law was coming.

‘After all, it is not in the least Anna’s fault,’ thought she. ‘I know nothing but good about her, and she has never shown me anything but kindness and friendship.’

It was true that, as far as she could remember her visit to the Karenins in Petersburg, she had not liked their house: there seemed to be something false in the tone of their family life. ‘But why should I not receive her? If only she does not try to console me!’ thought Dolly. ‘All these consolations and exhortations and Christian forgiveness, I have considered them a thousand times, and they are all no good.’

All these last days Dolly had been alone with her children. She did not wish to talk about her sorrow, yet with that on her mind she could not talk about indifferent matters. She knew that, one way or another, she would tell Anna everything, and now it pleased her to think how she would say it, and then she felt vexed to have to speak of her humiliation to her — his sister — and to hear from her set phrases of exhortation and consolation.

As it often happens, though she kept looking at the clock, waiting for Anna, she let the moment when her visitor arrived go by without even hearing the bell.

And when she heard soft steps and the rustle of petticoats already in the doorway, she looked round with an expression not of pleasure but of surprise on her careworn face. She rose and embraced her sister-in-law.

‘So you’re here already?’ she said, kissing her.

‘Dolly, I am so pleased to see you!’

‘And I am pleased too,’ said Dolly with a feeble smile, trying to guess from Anna’s expression how much she knew. ‘She must know,’ she thought, noticing the look of sympathy on Anna’s face.

‘Come, let me take you to your room,’ she went on, trying to put off as long as possible the moment for explanation.

‘This is Grisha? Dear me, how he has grown!’ said Anna, and having kissed him, she stood with her eyes fixed on Dolly and blushed. ‘No, please do not let us go anywhere.’

She took off her shawl and her hat and, having caught it in her black and very curly hair, shook her head to disengage it.

‘And you are radiant with joy and health!’ said Dolly almost enviously.

‘I? … yes,’ said Anna. ‘Why, dear me, here is Tanya! You’re just the same age as my little Serezha,’ she added, turning to the little girl who had run into the room, and, taking her in her arms, Anna kissed her. ‘Sweet girlie! darling! Let me see them all.’

She not only mentioned them all by name, but remembered the years and even the months of their births, their characters, and what illnesses they had had; and Dolly could not help appreciating this.

‘Shall we go and see them?’ she said. ‘It is a pity Vasya is asleep.’

Having looked at the children they returned to the drawing-room and, being now alone, sat down to coffee at the table. Anna took hold of the tray, but then pushed it aside.

‘Dolly,’ she said, ‘he has told me!’

Dolly looked coldly at Anna. She expected now to hear words of insincere sympathy: but Anna said nothing of the kind.

‘Dolly dear!’ she began, ‘I do not wish to take his part or console you; that would be impossible, but, dearest, I am simply sorry for you, sorry from the bottom of my heart!’

Her bright eyes under their thick lashes suddenly filled with tears. She moved closer to her sister-in-law and with her energetic little hand took hold of Dolly’s. The latter did not draw back from her but her face retained its rigid expression. She said:

‘It is impossible to console me. Everything is lost after what has happened, everything destroyed!’

As soon as she had said it her face softened. Anna lifted Dolly’s dry thin hand, kissed it, and said:

‘But what is to be done, Dolly, what is to be done? What is the best way of acting in this dreadful position? That is what one has to consider.’

‘Everything is at an end, and that’s all,’ said Dolly. ‘And the worst of it is, you understand, that I can’t leave him: there are the children, and I am bound. Yet I can’t live with him; it is torture for me to see him.’

‘Dolly, my darling, he has spoken to me, but I want to hear it from you. Tell me everything.’

Dolly looked at her inquiringly.

Sincere sympathy and affection were visible in Anna’s face.

‘If you like,’ said Dolly suddenly, ‘but I’ll begin from the beginning. You know how I was married. With the education Mama gave me, I was not merely naïve, but silly! I knew nothing. I know they say husbands tell their wives how they have lived, but Stiva …’ She corrected herself. ‘But Stephen Arkadyevich never told me anything. You will hardly believe it, but up to now I thought I was the only woman he had ever known. In this way I lived for nine years. Only think, that I not only did not suspect him of unfaithfulness, but thought it impossible. I then … just imagine, with such ideas suddenly to find out all the horrors, all the abomination… . Try to understand me. To be fully convinced of one’s happiness and suddenly …’ continued Dolly, suppressing her sobs, ‘to read a letter, his letter to his mistress, my children’s governess. No, it is too horrible!’ She suddenly drew out her handkerchief and hid her face in it.

‘I could perhaps understand a momentary slip,’ she went on after a pause, ‘but deliberately, cunningly to deceive me … and with whom? To go on living with me as my husband, and with her at the same time … it’s awful; you cannot realize …’

‘Oh yes, I do, I do understand, Dolly dear, I do understand,’ said Anna, pressing her hand.

‘And do you think he realizes the horror of my situation?’ continued Dolly. ‘Not at all! He is happy and contented.’

‘Oh no,’ Anna quickly interrupted. ‘He is pitiable, he is overwhelmed with remorse …’

‘Is he capable of remorse?’ interrupted Dolly, looking searchingly into her sister-in-law’s face.

‘Oh yes, I know him. I could not look at him without pity. We both know him. He is kind-hearted, but he is proud too, and now he is so humiliated. What moved me most is … (and here Anna guessed what would touch Dolly most) that two things tormented him. He is ashamed of the children, and that, loving you … yes, yes, loving you more than anything else in the world,’ she hurriedly went on, not listening to Dolly who was about to reply, ‘he has hurt you, hit you so hard. He kept saying, “No, no, she will not forgive me!” ’

Dolly, gazing beyond her sister-in-law, listened thoughtfully.

‘Yes, I understand that his position is dreadful; it is worse for the guilty than for the innocent one,’ she said, ‘if he feels that the misfortune all comes from his fault. But how can I forgive him, how can I be a wife to him after her? … Life with him now will be a torture for me, just because I love my old love for him …’ Sobs cut short her words.

But as if intentionally every time she softened, she again began to speak of the thing that irritated her.

‘You know she is young, she is pretty,’ she said. ‘You see, Anna, my youth and my good looks have been sacrificed, and to whom? For him and his children. I have served his purpose and lost all I had in the service, and of course a fresh, good-for-nothing creature now pleases him better. They probably talked about me, or, worse still, avoided the subject… . You understand?’

And hatred again burned in her eyes.

‘And after that he will tell me… . Am I to believe him? Never… . No, it’s all ended, all that served as a consolation, as a reward for my labours, my sufferings… . Will you believe me, I have just been teaching Grisha: it used to be a pleasure, and now it is a torment. What is the good of my taking pains, of working so hard? What use are the children? It is terrible, my soul has so revolted that instead of love and tenderness for him I have nothing but anger left, yes, anger. I could kill him …’

‘Dolly dearest! I understand, but don’t torture yourself. You are so deeply hurt, so upset, that you see many things in the wrong light.’

Dolly was silent, and for a moment or two neither spoke.

‘What am I to do? Think it over, Anna, help me! I have turned over in my mind everything I could think of, and can find nothing.’

Anna could not think of anything, but her heart responded to every word and every look of Dolly’s.

‘All I can say is,’ began Anna, ‘I am his sister and I know his character, his capacity for forgetting everything,’ she made a gesture with her hand in front of her forehead, ‘that capacity for letting himself be completely carried away, but on the other hand for completely repenting. He can hardly believe now — can hardly understand — how he could do it.’

‘No, he understands and understood,’ Dolly interrupted. ‘And I … you forget me … Does it make it easier for me?’

‘Wait a bit. When he was speaking to me, I confess I did not quite realize the misery of your position. I saw only his side, and that the family was upset, and I was sorry for him, but now having spoken with you I as a woman see something else. I see your suffering and I cannot tell you how sorry I am for you. But, Dolly dearest, I fully understand your sufferings — yet there is one thing I do not know. I do not know … I do not know how much love there still is in your soul — you alone know that. Is there enough for forgiveness? If there is — then forgive him.’

‘No,’ Dolly began, but Anna stopped her and again kissed her hand.

‘I know the world better than you do,’ she said. ‘I know men like Stiva and how they see these things. You think he spoke to her about you. That never happens. These men may be unfaithful, but their homes, their wives, are their holy places. They manage in some way to hold these women in contempt and don’t let them interfere with the family. They seem to draw some kind of line between the family and those others. I do not understand it, but it is so.’

‘Yes, but he kissed her …’

‘Dolly, wait a bit. I have seen Stiva when he was in love with you. I remember his coming to me and weeping (what poetry and high ideals you were bound up with in his mind!), and I know the longer he lived with you the higher you rose in his esteem. You know we used to laugh at him because his every third word was, “Dolly is a wonderful woman.” You have been and still are his divinity, and this infatuation never reached his soul… .’

‘But suppose the infatuation is repeated?’

‘It cannot be, as I understand …’

‘And you, would you forgive?’

‘I do not know, I cannot judge… . Yes, I can,’ said Anna, after a minute’s consideration. Her mind had taken in and weighed the situation, and she added, ‘Yes, I can, I can. Yes, I should forgive. I should not remain the same woman — no, but I should forgive, and forgive it as utterly as if it had never happened at all.’

‘Well, of course …’ Dolly put in quickly as if saying what she had often herself thought, ‘or else it would not be forgiveness. If one is to forgive, it must be entire forgiveness. Well now, I will show you your room.’ She rose, and on the way embraced Anna. ‘My dear, how glad I am you came! I feel better now, much better.’