Читать книгу The Giggle-a-Day Joke Book - Литагент HarperCollins USD, Ю. Д. Земенков, Koostaja: Ajakiri New Scientist - Страница 6
ОглавлениеMonday’s jokes are about ghosts ghouls, monsters … and school! That’s because Mondays are moandays!
GHOSTS, GHOULS AND MONSTERS
What’s a ghost’s favourite day of the week?
Moanday!
Laura Hoare
What do werewolves write at the end of their letters?
Best vicious!
Alex Cottee
Why did the teacher send Dracula’s son home?
Because he was coffin too much!
Nafisa Hussain
Which monster can sit on the end of your finger?
The bogeyman!
Carl Smith
What kind of music does a Mummy listen to?
Wrap!
Tara Littlehales
What happens when you have identical twin witches?
You can’t tell which witch is which!
Helen Innes
Who did Dracula marry?
The girl necks door!
Kirsty Moore
What kind of mail does a superstar vampire get?
Fang-mail!
Lindzy Westmoreland
What climbs ropes and is wrapped in a plastic bag?
The lunchpack of Notre Dame!
Jack Lewis
Where do abominable snowmen live?
In Chile!
Alex Cottee
What did the ghost teacher say to her pupils?
Watch the board while I go through it again!
Jemma Lynch
What do you write on a robot’s gravestone?
Rust in peace!
Warick Falconer
What do you call a female ghoul on a plane?
An air ghostess!
Duncan Mclnnes
Why did the wizard turn his socks into music sheets?
Because his feet started to hum!
Natalie Sear
Why did the skeleton go to the Chinese restaurant?
To get some spare ribs!
Kayleigh Aubrey
How do you make a skeleton laugh?
Tickle his funny bone!
Penelope Jeffcock
1st BOY: I got this haunted bike today.
2nd BOY: How do you know it’s haunted?
1st BOY: Because it’s got spooks on the wheels!
Hannah Davies
1st BOY: I keep dreaming about large red monsters with green teeth.
2nd BOY: Have you seen a doctor?
1st BOY: No, just large red monsters with green teeth!
Robert Parry
Why do witches fly on brooms?
Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy!
Luke Preece
What soap do vampires watch?
Horror-nation Street!
Aisha Khan
What kind of boat does Dracula use?
A blood vessel!
Bill French
What’s the difference between a man who has walked into a haunted house, and a dog with fleas?
One is itching to go and the other is going to itch!
Duncan Mclnnes
There was a monster of Loch Ness,
Who was often seen in a dress.
The reporters asked why?
The monster replied,
‘I wouldn’t if I was photographed less.’
Kirstie Logan
What instrument does a skeleton play?
A trombone!
Jamie Curry
Where did Frankenstein’s monster go to have his head fitted to his shoulders?
Bolton!
Carl Manley
What do a footballer and a magician have in common?
They both do hat tricks!
Saagar Patel
Have you been to the Himalayas?
Not yeti!
Joe Barthorpe
What do you call a ghost at a football match?
A spooktater!
Sean Hughes
What do you do when you see a skeleton dancing?
Jump out of your skin and join him!
Blair Grimley
What’s the first thing a monster eats after having its tooth out?
The dentist!
Dawn Corney
What did the mummy ghost say to the baby ghost?
Spook when you’re spooken to!
Christian Jones and Emma Brown
What is a monster’s favourite football team?
Slitherpool!
Jessica Spooner
Why are skeletons always so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin!
Liam Joynt
What do you get if you meet Dracula on the coldest night of the year?
Frostbite!
Lindzy Westmoreland
Why are monsters at home in the jungle?
Because it’s full of creepers!
Daniel Edgerton
A boy was walking down the street when he saw a sea monster standing on the corner looking lost. The boy put a lead on the monster and took him to the police station. ‘You should take him to the museum,’ said the policeman. The next day the policeman saw the boy in the street, again with the sea monster on a lead. ‘I thought I told you to take that monster to the museum,’ said the policeman. ‘I did’ said the boy, ‘and today, I’m taking him to the cinema!’
Gloria Hunniford
SCHOOL
TEACHER: If you had £2 in one jacket pocket and £2 in the other jacket pocket, what would you have?
PUPIL: Someone else’s jacket, Miss!
Bob Holness, Ros Holness & Dougie Parker
A teacher brought her two parrots into class – one red and one green. They both flew out of an open window, and on to the branch of a tree. One of the pupils offered to go and fetch them. He came back with just the red parrot. ‘I left the other one in the tree, Miss,’ he said, ‘because it’s not ripe yet!’
Kieran Johnstone
TEACHER: If you have £6 and your dad gives you another £9, what would you have?
PUPIL: £6, Miss.
TEACHER: You don’t know your arithmetic, boy.
PUPIL: You don’t know my dad, Sir!
Rob Dixon
TEACHER: If you have five chocolate bars and your little brother asks for one, how many will you have left?
PUPIL: Five, of course!
Tanya Read
On a school outing, Alex ran out of money and borrowed £5 from his teacher. On the train back home he wanted a hamburger so he borrowed another £1 from his teacher, promising to give it back the next day. The next day Alex came into school clutching a squid that had a bandage around one of its tentacles. ‘Here’s the sick squid I owe you, Miss!’ he said.
Alice Bradley
TEACHER: Name me two days of the week beginning with T.
PUPIL: Today and tomorrow, Miss!
Jack Maymon
‘I’ve got a cousin with three feet,’ said a boy to his teacher. ‘How odd. How do you know?’ asked the teacher. The boy replied ‘Mum got a letter from her sister this morning, and she said that her eldest son had grown another foot during the last year!’
Tara Haycock
TEACHER: What’s the most important thing to remember in a chemistry lesson?
