Читать книгу Mills and Boon Christmas Joy Collection - Liz Fielding - Страница 40

CHAPTER EIGHT

ALEX WAS HAVING trouble keeping his emotions in check.

Today, all he’d been able to think about was Ruby. He hadn’t worried about share prices. About price indexes. About gas, electricity and oil prices.

Today he’d just thought about the beautiful, bright-eyed woman in front of him. For a time it had seemed perfect.

Their familiarity and warmth had developed over the last few weeks and he’d finally managed to put into words the things that had been circulating in his brain.

Then—bam! It felt as if everything was ruined.

He was pacing up and down the deck. The crew all seemed to have vanished into the mists—as if they knew he was brooding. Cold diet colas had appeared magically in a silver cooler. His steward had obviously realised that this wasn’t the time for more champagne.

He couldn’t even face eating right now. So much was circulating in his head that his stomach was churning over and over.

How had he managed to mess this up? He’d planned it in his head. Give her time to think about this. Don’t rush her. He was sure he’d seen a flicker of doubt in her eyes and that had almost killed him. He was treading so carefully around her.

Then the Merrs and their darn boat. Mrs Merr had probably buzzed them deliberately. Anything to see what the Prince Regent was up to.

He’d thought he was giving Ruby time. He’d thought he was giving her space. Wasn’t that what she wanted?

But a few moments ago she’d seemed angry—annoyed that he’d tried to hide her from prying eyes. He’d only been trying to protect her. But her words had practically sent a flare up.

He wanted to be seen with Ruby. He wanted to tell the world that he was willing to take a chance on where this might go.

But he was also terrified that harsh treatment by the world’s press would send her running for the hills.

How on earth was he supposed to know what was right and what was wrong?

Would he ever be able to fathom the way Ruby’s brain worked?

Right now it seemed unlikely.

He glanced at his watch. She hadn’t appeared. He went into his cabin, pulled out his laptop and sat at the table.

Time. That was what he needed to give her.

In the meantime, he still had work to do.

* * *

Ruby hovered at the glass doors. He was concentrating fiercely on the laptop screen in front of him.

She’d sat down on the bed for just a minute and ended up sleeping for an hour. When she’d woken she’d been embarrassed. But it had been too late for that, so she’d showered and changed before coming out.

She’d half expected to find the boat moored back in the harbour, and was pleasantly surprised to find they were still out at sea.

Here, there was nowhere to run and hide. Here, she would need to talk to Alex.

She’d changed into a turquoise-blue maxi-dress and flat jewelled sandals and pulled her hair up into a ponytail. She wasn’t trying to seduce Alex. She wasn’t trying to entice him away from anything else.

She was here to have one of the hardest conversations of her life.

This had all crept up on her. She’d known it was always there—hovering in the background. But things had become crystal-clear to her.

It was so easy to think that this was about her. About whether she could stand the press attention or not. But it wasn’t really. It was about him. She just had to be brave enough to say the words.

Her stomach growled loudly and he turned sharply in his chair.

‘Ruby.’

It was more like a grunt than a greeting—not a good start. But it gave her the kick she needed. She took the few steps across the cabin and pulled out the chair opposite him.

‘Sorry. I sat down for five minutes and fell asleep.’

‘You obviously don’t find my company riveting enough.’

It was a barb. And she could take it or she could react.

She leaned over and snapped the laptop shut on his fingers. ‘Got your attention now?’

He snatched his fingers back and glared at her. ‘I was working.’

‘You’re always working.’

It was as if all the barriers around them had come crashing down. Right now she wasn’t afraid to say anything—and from the looks of it neither was he.

‘Make up your mind what you want, Ruby.’

‘I can’t. There’s too many variables.’

No nice words. No beating about the bush. Two people with everything at stake.

‘Well, let’s start with the things that can’t change. The non-variables.’

She leaned over and grabbed a can from the silver bucket, popping the tab and taking a sip. This could take a while.

‘Is this like a quiz show, Alex? Do I win something if I get the questions right?’

Their eyes locked. They both knew exactly what was at stake here. They both knew what the prize was.

He sucked in a deep breath and held his hand out for the can of cola. It was the first sign that this really was going to be a discussion.

His voice was low. ‘I’m always going to be the King of Euronia. I’m always going to be father to Annabelle.’

She nodded. ‘I’ve never questioned those things.’

He held her gaze. ‘But I’ve never really told you that those are things that I wanted. Not just things that were forced upon me or inherited by birth. When I was young I thought being King would be a whole lot of pressure on my shoulders—with no say in it for me. As I’ve grown older I’ve accepted that not only is this my destiny, it’s something I actually want.’

She ran her tongue along her lips. Deep down she’d always known this. Even though Alex hadn’t told her who he was when they’d met. This wasn’t just his inherited future. This was a future he was willing to embrace.

It was a first step. It was the first time he’d actually admitted to her what he wanted in life.

He leaned back in his chair a little. ‘I went to the US to study and learn business. It was my idea, not my father’s, but he fully supported it. The world is changing constantly—it’s getting smaller—and Euronia needed to move into the twenty-first century.’

‘And now?’

‘Now I need to use everything that I’ve learned to help my country prosper.’

‘So where does that leave us?’

So many things were sparking in her brain. Did Alex suspect what she was about to say to him?

‘How do you feel about me, Ruby?’

The question blind-sided her. She knew they were having a frank discussion, but she hadn’t expected him just to ask her outright.

‘I...’ Her voice tailed off as her brain tried frantically to find the right words.

He shook his head.

She hadn’t even answered yet and she’d disappointed him. But how could she tell him how she really felt when they still hadn’t dealt with the heart of the problem? She had to say the words.

‘What if Sophia had lived?’

‘What?’ He looked confused. Blind-siding worked both ways.

‘What if her cancer had been cured and she’d lived—what then?’

He shook his head. ‘That would never have happened. Sophia’s cancer was already terminal. Nothing was going to change that.’

‘But what if it had? Would you still have married her? Still have had Annabelle? Would you have come looking for me at all?’

Her voice started to shake a little and she took a deep breath. She needed to be calm. She needed to be rational and not blinded by her emotions.

‘I need you to be honest with me, Alex. I need you to be honest with yourself.’ This was hurting more than she could ever have imagined. ‘If Sophia was alive today, where would she feature in your life?’

‘Don’t paint her as the villain in this piece. You’re angry with me because I married another woman. Just say it.’ He blurted it out straight away.

‘You’re right. I was angry. More than that, I was bitterly disappointed—even though I’d no right to be. But I don’t understand. If you’d really wanted to find me you could have. In fact, you did. You sent me those flowers. Why didn’t you just come and see me? Why didn’t you ever jump in your million-pound jet and come and find me?’

She was sounding desperate and she hated herself for being like that. But if it was going to be all out there—then so be it.

‘You didn’t answer my message, Ruby. I left you a message—I got no reply. What was I supposed to do? Search for a woman who didn’t want me to find her? Embarrass myself and put you in vulnerable position?’

She bit her lip. It was a reasonable reply. But it didn’t make her like it any better.

He kept going.

‘I thought my father was about to die. The things I’d been working towards were being thrust on me from a great height. I didn’t have time to think about it any more—I had to just do it. No wonder my father had agreed for me to study business. The country’s finances were in a mess. We were teetering on the brink of disaster. For the best part of three years I juggled finances, moved money, invested money, watched stock markets and persuaded people to come to Euronia—persuaded people to invest in Euronia. Most nights I got around four hours’ sleep. I was a mess, Ruby. I didn’t have time to sleep, let alone think. How would you have felt if you’d been around a man who was too busy to spend time with you? Too busy to talk? Too busy to sleep? What kind of a relationship would that have been?’

‘But you found time for Sophia.’

She said it so quietly the words were barely a whisper above the hum of the yacht’s engines.

Alex’s eyes widened and his response was immediate. ‘Sophia appeared just as things were starting to look up. She was desperate, Ruby. She was dying and she was my friend. Sophia’s illness brought me back to reality. What’s the point of taking care of a country if you can’t take care of those around you?’

She could hear the emotion in his voice. It was starting to break. This was it. This was the whole crux of the matter. This was the enormous big grey elephant in the room and it was time to smash it to smithereens.

‘So what happened with Annabelle, then?’

The words echoed around them. She hadn’t really meant to say them out loud. They’d come into her brain and out of her mouth almost instantly. It was cruel. It was uncalled for.

It was unintentional.

He sat back sharply—almost as if she’d thrust a knife into his chest.

‘You think it’s my fault, don’t you?’

She looked him straight in the eye. Everyone had danced around Alex. Everyone had chosen their words carefully. But this was it. This was the only way to give them a fighting chance.

‘I think that when Sophia died Annabelle didn’t just lose her mother, she lost her father too.’

She took a deep breath and continued.

‘You keep claiming Sophia was only your friend. And you can tell me that as often as you like. But your little girl is the spitting image of her mother. Do you think I’ve not noticed that there’s no photograph of her mother in her room? Do you think I don’t see that little fleeting gaze of something when you look at her? Don’t ask me what it is, Alex, but it’s there. I’ve seen it. Children pick up on these things. And I think Annabelle has picked up on it. You don’t want to be around her. She reminds you too much of what you’ve lost.’

She could almost see the shock registering on his face, but she couldn’t stop.

She pointed her finger at him. ‘I know you’ve been busy, but I don’t think you’ve been as busy as you claim to be. When I laid it out for you that you had to spend time with her you managed to do it.’

She was hurting him. She could tell. And she really didn’t want to. But it had to be said. She had to try and move them both forward.

‘She’s improving, Alex. She is. I know that when she’s around you, and around me, she exists in her own little bubble. But it’s our job to expand your daughter’s world in a way that makes her feel safe.’

‘This isn’t about Annabelle. Today isn’t about Annabelle. This is supposed to be about you and me.’

He looked stunned. Stunned that someone had challenged him on his feelings about Sophia. Stunned that someone was suggesting the reason his daughter might not be speaking was his fault.

It was only natural for him to try and deflect the conversation.

‘But it can’t be, Alex. It can’t be until you deal with this first.’ She kept her voice steady. ‘Tomorrow I’m going to find the nicest photo I can of Sophia and put it in a frame next to Annabelle’s bed. She needs to be able to look at her mother every day. She needs to know that there was someone in this world who loved and adored her.’

‘You mean I don’t?’

He was furious. His eyes were blazing. But no matter how much it made her stomach ache this was exactly what she had to do.

‘Don’t you get it, Alex? There can’t be an “us”. There can’t be the start of anything between us until you face up to your past. Annabelle wasn’t created in a dish. She wasn’t a test tube baby. You slept with your wife. You created a child together. Part of you loved her.’

She waved her hand.

‘Stop trying to tell me otherwise. I’ve accepted it, Alex, and so must you. If you want us to be seen together—if you want to kiss me like that again—then it has to be on the condition that you’ve grieved for your wife. It has to be on the condition that you can look at your daughter and love her the way you should.’

Tears started to roll down her cheeks.

‘This isn’t about me trying to decide if I want to be seen in public with you or not. I can’t even answer that yet—because we’re not there yet. It’s easy for you to put all the responsibility for this relationship on my shoulders. Because then you don’t need to think about Sophia or Annabelle at all.’

The tears wouldn’t stop. Her heart was breaking.

Alex’s face had crumpled. She didn’t have a single doubt that she loved this man sitting across from her. This proud, passionate, potential king.

It would be so easy to get swept along with the wonder of the pink palace, Euronia, and a prince who’d come looking for her after ten years.

She wanted him for herself. She really did.

She almost wished she could take back everything she’d just said and walk through that door again and wrap her arms around his neck and kiss him.

But this would always have been there.

This would eventually have festered between them.

She wanted to be free to love Alex. And she wanted him to be free to love her. Things just didn’t feel like that right now.

‘This is killing me, Alex,’ she whispered.

He stood up sharply, his chair screeching along the floor. He ran his fingers through his hair. ‘I need to think. I need to think about all this.’

His eyes were vacant. As if he couldn’t look at her, couldn’t focus.

The tables had turned completely.

He’d been telling her to take her time.

But the reality was after ten years it was Alex who needed to take his time.

She stood up and walked back towards the glass doors.

This time it was her turn to say the words. ‘Take all the time you need.’