Читать книгу The Yummy Mummy’s Survival Guide - Liz Fraser - Страница 9

In theory, after about 12 weeks you enter a new, easier, more Yummy and less vomitty phase, known as the second trimester. I call it the Middle Bit, because that’s just a lot clearer, as I’m sure you’ll agree. The middle bit brings clearly visible physical changes, and it heralds the beginning of your pregnancy ‘proper’, as opposed to some invisible affliction which makes you tired and grumpy. Now we can all see why!

It’s during this stage that you will finally start to feel pregnant, and it can be very odd realising there really is a baby in there, and you really are going to be a mum fairly soon. Scary stuff, but something you’ll get used to in about ten years’ time. This part deals with some of the key physical and mental hurdles you will stumble ungraciously over, and hopes to make the transition into Properly Pregnant Lady a little smoother.

Physical Changes

15 October. 8 p.m. Hotel room in Manchester. Seven months pregnant.

We are near the end of filming a very boring maths series for schools. My bump has grown so much over the course of the three-week shoot that we have had to resort to all sorts of clever trickery to conceal it: sitting down, holding objects at bump-level, shooting from the waist up and so on. Today wasn’t even subtle: they just stuck me behind the sofa instead of on it, and had me casually leaning over from the back. At one point I heard the floor manager complaining to the director that we needed to ‘find some way of disguising the situation’. I am not a situation. I am a pregnant lady who is not feeling very glam, and could do with someone telling her how gorgeous she is, and not that she is now so offensive to the eye that she needs to be hidden behind items of furniture!

The worst thing is that I am starting to feel guilty about being pregnant: that I am ruining their show because of my big tummy. I should be proud, not ashamed. I felt tons better after going to the gym this evening and I managed to have a chicken salad and a yoghurt for dinner, instead of the banoffee pie and large glass of wine I actually wanted. Good girl. Now to try and sleep despite all the heartburn and a bump which means I can’t get comfortable, ever. Good night.

You will have noticed by now that pregnancy doesn’t just affect your tummy and breasts. Sure, these are the areas it hits hardest, but the whole of your body, including your brain, God-dammit, will feel the effect in some way, and each day will hail the arrival of a new change for you to get used to. Well, at least it’s not boring…

1. Hair

Ahh, some good news here. It is very common for pregnant women to have thicker, more glossy hair for the last two trimesters. This is partly thanks to your hormones, which stop hair falling out so fast, and also partly because you have stopped murdering it with chemicals and treatments now that you are up the duff. If you already had thick hair then you might look like a backcombed toilet-brush, albeit a glossy one, so work out a style which works for all the new volume. If your hair becomes more oily, use a milder cleansing shampoo and don’t rub with your fingertips—this will stop it getting even oilier. For dry haystack hair, use a moisturising treatment every two weeks and leave overnight for a more intense effect.

Top Tips for Pregnant Hair from Daniel Galvin Senior, and Lino Carbosiero, Artistic Consultant at Daniel Galvin, London

You are more than safe to carry on having your hair coloured during pregnancy: there is no evidence that it can cause any harm to you or your baby, but if you are worried, then leave it.

Semi-permanent colours contain no ammonia or peroxide, which you might feel happier about. Vegetable dyes are also a fantastic, gentler option.

Having your highlights done regularly will keep you looking groomed and fresh throughout your pregnancy. It’s also a good way to relax for a few hours.

Keeping colours lighter towards the hairline opens up the face, looks more natural, and can make you look thinner.

Maintain your routine with your stylist throughout your pregnancy, so he or she can help you through any changes in condition and style.

If your face becomes bigger, avoid short hair styles: this just makes your face look even rounder.

Try softening the shape around the front of your face by going for a soft fringe, or gentle layering from the chin downwards.

We recommend to all our pregnant clients that they get their hair washed and blow-dried before they go into labour. It doesn’t take long, but it will make you look sensational, and can really boost your mood. Lino’s wife swears it helped her to get through it all!

NB: DO NOT GO FOR A RADICAL RESTYLE WHILE YOU ARE PREGNANT! Firstly, your face will change shape (see over) so what suits you now might look awful within six months, and secondly, you are just a confused pregnant lady who thinks a change will make her feel better about the whole thing. It won’t. It will lead to tears and a disastrous barnet.

2. Nails

Like hair, your nails can look particularly lovely during this stage, and they can grow much more quickly. Unfortunately this can mean they become thinner and more brittle, but it’s a perfect excuse to have regular manicures.

3. Eyes

I had a very weird side-effect between about five and eight months pregnant with my third baby: my eyes became dry and itchy, and it looked as though the corneas were swollen and detached. Very gross, and quite worrying for a while. A check with an eye specialist concluded I had a ‘previously unseen and possibly pregnancy-related swelling of the cornea’, which I took to mean: ‘I haven’t got a clue but you’re not dying and it will probably go away eventually’, and I was discharged (sorry, unfortunate word for our subject). I only mention it to demonstrate the kind of bizarre changes you can come across.

4. Bottom and Thighs

The Middle Bit is when things start to change in these regions, and if you’ve been a bit smug so far, you might have to eat your words now. Despite your best efforts, your legs and bum will get a bit bigger now, because your amazingly intelligent but fashion-unaware body is programmed to retain some extra fat stores for after the birth.

5. Arms

Arms? Yep, even these can put a bit of worst-case-scenario-preparation flab on them, but if you are doing your weights in the gym then any emerging bingo wings can be sorted out quite easily.

6. Face

This was my worst bit. Seriously. I didn’t mind the legs or stomach, or even the occasional swollen ankle. But in all of my pregnancies my face got bigger, and I hated it. Sadly, it is very common: you’ve probably seen pictures of famous Yummy Mummies getting fuller in the face as their pregnancies progress, and it isn’t because the camera starts to add more pounds too—it’s because they really are getting bigger there. There is nothing you can do about this new look, except to try and like it. Most women actually look better with a rounder face, but we are too used to thinking of chiselled jaw-lines and defined cheekbones as desirable to adjust easily.

7. The Linea Nigra

There it is!! This is a faint brown line from your tummy button to your pubes, which usually appears at around three months. I was obsessed about the lack of mine for weeks before it showed itself, because I thought I should have one, and I wanted to see some proof that I was doing this pregnancy properly. As soon as I saw it I wished it would go away of course, but I was still happy that I had managed to make one! How dark this line becomes depends on how much melanin your body makes, and it should fade over a year or so, if you’re lucky.

8. Milk production

Eeeek. At about twenty weeks (or so—everyone’s different, remember) your boobs will receive a message from Mission Control, telling them to get their milk production sorted out quick smart, because pretty soon there will be a baby to feed, and they should allow for technical glitches and printing errors.

So they do. And it’s very, very weird. Like squeezing spots or picking dry skin off your heels, squeezing milk out of your nipples is a bit gross, but very satisfying. What comes out to start with isn’t actually milk, but a thick yellow goo called colostrum. Bath-times have never been so much fun.

If this is all getting too much for now, then I’ll move on. I just thought you should be prepared for the moment you turn into a dairy cow.

9. Heartburn

If you are experiencing this already, then you are in for quite a rough ride, as heartburn only gets worse as the baby gets bigger. I got it terribly, and couldn’t sleep without drinking milk and downing the Rennies. Antacids aren’t thought to be dangerous for the baby, but ask your doctor or midwife about how many and which to take.

10. Insomnia

There’s a lot going on in your mind, and as the baby starts to move about and get more cumbersome, sleeping becomes very tricky. So unfair, given how much you need to stock up on the stuff—where’s the evolutionary advantage of insomnia then, Darwin?

11. Uncomfortable bump

Now that you are finally getting BIG, you will notice knock-on effects such as back pain, aching tummy muscles (if you still have any), and trouble getting comfortable, especially at night. This is a good time to start sleeping with a pillow between your legs, because it makes the bump pull down less, and if you can pretend that it’s Johnny Depp and not a pillow at all, then you won’t mind all the insomnia. Sorted.

12. Cravings

I hate to burst a somewhat amusing and traditional bubble, but cravings are a hugely over-emphasised part of early pregnancy. Gherkins with cream, charcoal and raw onions are all the stuff of hearsay and fantasy, because the truth is a whole lot less exciting. Sorry.

Here are some cravings I can vouch for, as related to me by several Mummy friends: fresh fruit smoothies, sweet and sour Chinese food, iceberg lettuce, roll-mop herrings, vinegar (my mum used to drink it, which may explain a few thing about me…), strawberries (one lady could smell them from 800 metres away!), strong curry, ice-cream and black olives.

I never craved anything, apart from a flatter stomach, but I did go off things I had previously adored: Marmite made me retch, hot chocolate (which I had previously guzzled in pints) suddenly smelled like rotten cider, and I couldn’t eat lettuce at all. Disaster! I had no problem with coffee, which is supposed to make all pregnant women feel sick, and even alcohol never lost its appeal. Here’s hoping you experience some wacky cravings to tell your children and Yummy Mummy friends about. It’s kind of expected…

13. Skin

Despite what your partner may try to tell you, the skin is the biggest organ in the human body. (Worth remembering for times when a severe put-down is required—any time he tries to have sex with you when you are in a bad mood for example. ) It’s really no surprise, then, that an event as physically demanding as pregnancy will have some effect on your skin. You may even get more skin problems after the birth than during the pregnancy itself.

In my case, the biggest skin problem was hyper-pigmentation.

Hyper-what?

Pigmentation. What started as sweet-looking freckles around my nose and dotted across my forehead (very Milly Molly Mandy; very cute), grew into patches of darker skin all over the place. Suddenly, this stopped being cute and started to be unsightly.

Early attempts to cover this up with foundation were successful, but as the months progressed the dark patches became so noticeable in the middle of my face that no amount of slap and powder would hide them properly, and they began to make me miserable. The final straw came when my peach-skinned three-year-old asked, in that levelling way only three-year-olds can get away with: ‘Mummy, what are those horrid brown marks on your face? Did the baby make them?’ Grrrr.

Time for some science. Ahem!

Skin discolouration, or pigmentation, is the result of increased local melanin production. Melanin is the skin pigment which protects us from the effects of strong sunlight (you knew that), but often, due to environmental or internal influences (I’d say pregnancy is probably a fairly hefty internal influence), the skin produces more melanin than it needs. During pregnancy, our good old friends oestrogen and progesterone are thought to cause greater stimulation of the pigment, resulting in hyper-pigmented skin spots. (You didn’t know that!)

Luckily for you, cosmetics and pharmaceutical companies have been quick to cash in on the increasing awareness of this problem, and the number of ‘skin-lightening’ and ‘blanching’ products, which aim (and claim) to remove, or at least lessen, pigmented areas, is rising.

These either stop the melanin being produced or act as superexfoliators, penetrating the skin, removing the old cells and increasing the production of new, unpigmented ones.

I peeled, masked and creamed religiously for six months after the birth, and I am pleased to report a dramatic improvement. Whether this would have happened anyway, I’ll never know, but just doing something about it felt better than sitting the ugliness out.

Before you rush out to fill your rather lovely Anya Hindmarch tote with acids and peels, here is some life-changing advice from one of the UK’s best dermatologists: photocopy it and stick it to your bathroom mirror.

A good sunscreen is a woman’s most important weapon against skin pigmentation. You should wear it every day, even in winter or on overcast days, and you should apply two coats half an hour before you go out. There’s no point treating your pigmentation marks unless you also use a sunscreen of at least factor sixty every day. Finally, always wear a hat and try to stay in the shade.

You heard the man! I never leave the house without at least one coat of factor sixty all over my face these days, my hat collection has almost outgrown my bedroom, and the same is now true of sunglasses, but can a girl ever own too many?

Some skin lightening products you might like to try:

Dermalogica: Skin Brightening System.

Elizabeth Arden: Visible Whitening Pure Intensive Capsules.

Lancome: Blanc Expert range, and Absolute Radiance Anti-Dark Spot Concentrate.

Guinot: Lightening Serum, Lightening Mask, and Lightening Cream reduce melanin synthesis and lighten the skin.

And some excellent cover-up products to hide the damage:

Stila: Illuminating Liquid Foundation, and Face Concealer, which blends brilliantly, allowing you to wear it on its own.

Jo Malone Finishing Fluid. Smells divine, goes on like cream, and leaves even my skin looking remarkably even-toned. This is fabulous stuff.

Bobbi Brown: Foundation Stick gives very good coverage, and it’s a great pop-in-your-handbag product.

14. Alien

Somewhere around the fourth month you will be convinced you have turned into Sigourney Weaver. Not because you suddenly grow six inches taller, develop dramatic cheekbones and achieve a perfect smile, but because a creature will start moving around inside you.

This is one of the weirdest, best and worst things about pregnancy: weirdest because—well, how weird can it get? There’s a human being moving inside you! The best because it connects you so strongly with your baby, and worst because it can get very uncomfortable and sore if there’s a mini David Beckham in there.

The first time you feel your baby move seems more like trapped air bubbles jiggling about in your tummy than a foot or hand doing anything interesting, and you may not notice anything for quite a while. As these sensations grow into more noticeable jiggles, you might wonder what you’ve been eating recently, until finally, one day when you’re least expecting it, you will feel a kick!

This is a fantastic moment, and the only shame is that your partner can’t share what you feel. This is the moment you finally believe you are pregnant.

As the weeks go by, these movements will get very strong, and towards the end there can be all kinds of bones, limbs, digits and other unidentifiable body parts jutting out under your ribcage, out of your tummy button or near your pelvis. I used to love all of this, but I know lots of mums who found it far too peculiar. I would spend hours in the bath talking to my internal gymnast, massaging a protruding bottom, or tickling a cheeky foot. It sounds crazy, but it sure beats depressing yourself about how big your legs are getting near the top!

TOP TIP: If you think your baby has suddenly stopped moving about as much as normal, keep an eye on it, and if you are worried then call your midwife. Hospitals are usually happy to monitor your bump for a while, just to check everything is normal. Don’t panic immediately though: babies do sleep occasionally, you know, and you will feel like a real clot when you rush in, only to monitor a baby having a well-earned nap.

15. Stretch marks

Ready? These are a complete misnomer, because stretch marks are not caused by stretching at all. You can get them without being pregnant, whether you are fat or thin, as a teenager or even if you are a man. Ha! Some think they can even be caused by stress. Stretch marks can look like thin red lines or patches. They sometimes turn white with time, and in bad cases they can actually be raised from the surrounding skin.

The bad news: There is almost nothing you can do to prevent them from appearing. It’s in your genes, so start praying you’ve got some good ones. Oh, and they are permanent.

The good news: Lots of pregnant women never get any, and they do fade with time, so ‘permanent’ doesn’t mean permanently very visible.

Can I do anything to prevent these ugly marks?

Oils and Lotions. Whether these have any significant effect is still up for debate, but there are lots of lovely lotions, oils and creams which are definitely worth a try—and feel wonderful too.

Mama Mio Superstretch Tummy Rub: This very stylish brand promises stretch mark-free tummies up and down the country.

Pure Vitamin E oil mixed with wheatgerm oil.

Jo Malone’s Vitamin E Gel: This is used in her heavenly facials, but clients started to report back on its fantastic stretch-mark-preventing potential.

Clarins ‘Tonic’ Body Treatment Oil: A legendary oil which tones, firms and moisturises. I’ve seen it in lots of myYummy Mummy friends’ bathroom cabinets. I do like to snoop, you know.

Clarins Bust Lotion and Bust Gel: Because you can’t forget the marks which might appear here as well.

This Works Stretch Mark Oil: It does, apparently.

Vichy Complete Action Anti-Stretch Mark Cream: Helps to prevent new ones, and reduce the appearance of existing ones.

Exercise. If you keep the exercise up, your skin should stay more toned and the risk of stretch marks might be reduced. Might, but even a ‘might’ is worth a few extra visits to the gym.

Looking Good: Gorgeous Clothes for the Suddenly Large of Girth

18 December. 5 p.m. Seven months pregnant.

I’ve been trying on outfits for an hour, and I am now so depressed and disgusted that I don’t think I’ll manage to drag myself out at all. I look like a dairy cow—I have to stop looking in this mirror.

And my shoes don’t bloody fit because my feet are swollen! Why can Sarah Jessica Parker look so fabulous with a great big belly? Oh yes, Oscar de la Renta. Well, Zara will have to work the same magic for me.

Once upon a very unfashionable time, all pregnant women dressed badly. This was partly because there were no gorgeous maternity ranges available, and partly because Yummy Mummies hadn’t been invented yet. Happily, times have changed, and we all know that pregnant ladies can look fabulous: just look at Anna Friel and Victoria Beckham.

Of course everyone has a different opinion of what constitutes an attractive woman: some like their ladies curvy, others prefer the androgynous nymph; curls do it for some, poker-straight for others. Tall, short, blonde, brunette, muscular, willowy, bold, reclusive, pale, tanned, made-up or natural, we come in a glittering array of shapes and forms, and manage to look sexy and feminine in all of them. We are clever, aren’t we?

But whatever your personal ideal, one thing makes a woman look like a woman, and feel like a woman. It’s such an important biological characteristic that even babies can tell the difference between a man and a woman by it. No, it’s not the presence of breasts: it’s the hourglass figure created by having a defined waist.

Ah! A waist! A flat, trim, nipped-in waist. Hips are fairly crucial to the female form too, but unless your waist is smaller than your hips, it’s very hard to look feminine, and it’s harder still to feel beautiful. Social anthropologists reckon a ‘magic ratio’ of waist to hips of 7:10 is evolutionarily significant: it signals sexual appeal at a primal level, as it indicates good child-bearing potential. You mean men think that hard?

Those geniuses among you will already have guessed where I’m going here: when you are pregnant, your waist disappears for a while, and then reappears as your bump starts to come out—a LONG way after a certain point, and it is not the most flattering shape when it comes to modern fashions and ideas of femininity, and looking good in these circumstances takes some effort.

The First Signs of a Change

I always imagined that the Absolutely Enormous phase towards the end would be the worst time of pregnancy, in terms of how I looked and felt, but actually many of my friends agree with me that the moment your waist disappears is one of the big pregnancy lows. At least when it’s out, it’s out, and you can pretend to glow and blossom into your new shape. But when it’s just not there at all you look neither slim nor pregnant. I wanted to wear a badge explaining: ‘I know I don’t really look it yet, but the reason I’m a bit shapeless is that I’m four months pregnant and my waistline is in temporary hiding. Please stop staring at me and pretend that I look lovely.’

Unfortunately, there’s very little that clothing can do to help. Developing an addiction to Juicy Couture trousers is not so much a fashion statement as a ‘missing waist’ concealer, and it works, and I’d advise any bloated-feeling Yummy Mummy-to-be to do the same. Don’t do what I did though: I lived in some very unattractive tracksuit trousers for a month or so, and all this did was to make me feel incredibly fat and ugly. By my third pregnancy I’d learned that ‘comfy’ doesn’t mean shapeless and without-any-style-at-all. Wearing some stylish, comfy trousers at this not-quite-pregnant-enough-yet stage makes you feel much better about your condition.

Pregnancy Wardrobe Phase One: Before It Really Shows

Wear comfy (but gorgeous) trousers, which fit your legs well but have a forgiving waist: stretch fabric, low-slung and elasticated all work at this stage.

Make sure your top half is longer than waist-length.

Three-quarter-length jackets come into their own now.

Tie a hoody or a jumper around your waist and pretend the bulk is from that.

Wear a really long, skinny scarf which hangs loosely down to your waist: it hides what’s behind. But don’t wear belts or tie scarves around your waist—it just accentuates the enlargement.

Long cardigans (worn open) can hide your curveless middle zone.

Dresses can be a good plan, as the whole ‘waist’ issue is lessened, but avoid anything tight, obviously. Keep that for later.

Floaty and feminine is a look which works; structured and fitted isn’t. Avoid über-floaty though, as this can easily turn into ‘shapeless heap’ which helps no one. You need some structure.

Don’t buy maternity clothes yet. You want to enjoy these last months of wearing semi-normal clothes while you can, and you may not even need them, if you are lucky and clever with your wardrobe. And anyway, you won’t believe how big you are going to get, and you will almost certainly buy everything a size or two too small. I had to take everything back the first time, because I grew out of them at seven months. Darn!

Accentuate the positive: legs, bust, neck, shoulders, arms—wherever you look best is what we want to see most of.

Later On (When You Are Really Showing)

For me this tended to happen at about six months. Until this point I was always certain that I wouldn’t get that much bigger, being what I considered to be enormous already. Everyone convinces themselves of this, because thinking any other way is just too depressing. But a moment passes at around six months in your first pregnancy (and at about three months in subsequent ones) when your stomach will start its journey outwards, and this signals the end of Pregnancy Wardrobe Phase One.

Now that your bump has become clearly visible, you enter the next phase of wardrobe confusion. Instead of cunningly concealing a slightly tubby midriff, the best way forward is to embrace your bump and make a feature of it. A protruding, pregnant waist is not at all the same as a fat stomach: the latter comes with all the trimmings of a fat everything else, usually, and making an effort to lessen the impact is probably a good idea. But when you’re pregnant, 90% of your body is almost as trim as it was before, and you just have an unamusingly large middle zone. Trying to hide it is the female equivalent of sweeping long straggles of wispy hair over a man’s bald patch: it looks worse than it did before, and fools nobody.

Jemima French, designer, Frost French

I felt great when I was pregnant. I used to wear designer pregnancy jeans which where really comfy and yet still flattering on the bum. I also used to cut my own jeans at the back and wear big baggy t-shirts which was both practical and stylish. I wore lots of empire vintage nightie dresses which made me feel cute.

Pregnancy Survival Wardrobe Phase Two

Stay in regular clothes for as long as possible. If you’re lucky, you will be able to wear non-maternity bottom halves right up to the birth, by tucking the waist under your bump and wearing trousers as hipsters. But remember that clothes will sit differently now, so make sure they still look good.

Long skirts can make you look dumpier and more box-like, because they don’t show your legs. Minis have the advantage of slim-leg exposure, which takes the eye away from the waist, but they are only for the brave (or tasteless—I never went along with the ‘pregnant hooker’ look, but perhaps you can pull it off better than me.) Mid-length will slim you out if your calves and ankles are still trim, as they might be if you are still exercising well and putting your feet up whenever possible.

Don’t move into your partner’s clothes just because they are bigger. They are bigger, but they are not cut for your shape or size, and the old ‘looking like a sack’ adage will apply to you.

Don’t over-complicate matters. Keep it simple: bold patterns and prints may be in, but you should stick to understated and muted for now, unless you are as self-confident as Trinny or Susannah.

Invest in some hip maternity clothes to see you through this last bit in style. Now you can go for the maternity wear if you need to (see below), but remember you will get bigger than you think. Think bigger, bigger, bigger.

Black works.

Try support tights. These make Bridget Jones’s knickers look like something from a Victoria’s Secrets catalogue, but they do apparently have some amazing health benefits for your legs: they can reduce varicose veins and can even keep your legs trimmer and more shapely. I never wore them, mainly because I never wore skirts much, but I have heard some very favourable reports from other Yummy Mummies who swore by them. Or was it at them? Not sure.

Sexy underwear is absolutely essential. I sparked off quite a debate in Cambridge when I happened to mention in one of my parenting columns that I still possess, and wear, thongs. ‘Thongs? A mother wearing a thong? A pregnant mother wearing a thong? Disgraceful!’ cried the forward-thinking inhabitants of this highly educated city. Perhaps some learned professor could explain the psychology behind the theory that ‘all women who are pregnant should make themselves feel worse by wearing Big Pants’. It’s complete tosh. Quite apart from the fact that increasing numbers of medical professionals will be looking around down there, and so making an effort is only polite, you will feel better if you stick to sexy lingerie.

All hail Diane Von Furstenberg, who invented the wrap dress. Now here’s a style which works throughout pregnancy, provided it fits well. Whether it’s a crossover shirt, jumper, dress, or a long-sleeved T, wrap yourself in one of these and cruise to the finish-line looking sexy.

Leggings. You’re getting into dangerous territory here, and you should try to avoid these unless you want to look like a maternity-wear model in the mid-Eighties. I wore them, and hated myself every day. The same can be said for…

…dungarees. (Unless you are as hip as Sarah Jessica Parker, in which case you can look fabulous in the frumpiest of maternity frocks.) Dungarees are actually having a bit of a revival at the time of writing, but fashions come and fashions go, and this is one item which needs some careful research.

Top Wardrobe Tips From Vanessa and Baukjen, designers of hip maternity label Isabella Oliver

Soft, drapey jerseys, and anything that stretches, are the best fabrics and cuts to cover your bump. They are always comfortable and will grow and move with you, while still looking feminine and sexy.

Buy as many little black jersey dresses as possible for pulled together, versatile looks which are always feminine. They are easy to wear for work, or dressed up for an evening out with sparkly accessories and sexy heels.

You shouldn’t have to change your style just because you are pregnant. The same rules of dressing still apply—there is no reason to start wearing oversized, tent-like clothes or pinafores just because you are pregnant.

Splurge on handbags, shoes, scarves and jewellery. Make the most of your classic, versatile wardrobe by changing your accessories to fit the occasion. It is so easy to change your daytime and evening look by simply putting a few strands of chunky beads around your neck or by adding a pair of dramatic, sparkly earrings. The possibilities are endless!

Mind the Gap. If your tops aren’t long enough you will have a gaping hole between the bottom of your top and the top of your bottoms, which can only be filled by a swollen, veiny tummy. You will also look much bigger because everything will hang straight from your boobs down, with no curves or shaping. Tops have to cover your bump and fit well.

Shoes. Here’s where you can add some essential sex-appeal. Living in trainers for four months is very comfortable, but it’s highly unglamorous. Do what the sexiest Yummy Mummies do and stick to something pretty for as long as you feel comfortable (and stable!) and keep trainers as part of a low-key, funky street look, rather than a ‘dishevelled blob who crawled off the sofa to fetch a pint of milk’ outfit.

Accentuate your neck and shoulders with pretty necklines. That’s ‘pretty’, not ‘plunging’, unless you want to show off your newly impressive cleavage.

Use accessories to draw attention away from your waist. Scarves, earrings, hats and brooches all work, but not all at the same time: less is always more on the accessories front.

Avoid large areas of uniform colour. Breaking things up a bit, especially across your chest, will make you look smaller.

Stand and walk tall, and pretend you don’t feel pregnant. This really works, and you will look 1,000 times better immediately.

Shoe Warning!

Don’t even think about buying expensive (but obviously gorgeous) shoes when you are heavily pregnant, especially if it’s in the summer months. I made the huge mistake of indulging in some ‘shoes are the only answer to my hideousness’ retail therapy care of Anya Hind-march when I was eight months pregnant with number three, and walked away beaming with a pair of almost edible kitten heels.

Alas, when it came to the Big Summer Wedding three months (and one baby) later, I discovered that they were a size too big. Needless to say, I wore them anyway, with several layers of insoles, but to be honest I just looked ridiculous, they came off with every step, and I ended up barefoot on the dancefloor. Silly girl.

Maternity Clothes You Might Like to Buy

The excellent news for all you future Yummy Mummies is that maternity wear has become as stylish as normal gear, with everyone from Juicy Couture to Elle MacPherson launching maternity ranges. Not only that, but many high-street brands have been quick to get in on the act, and now make utterly fashionable, very affordable maternity wear. You don’t need a budget like Liv Tyler to look as glamorous as she did when she was pregnant, so get yourself down to one of the stores listed on pages 51-52 and get some figure-flaunting, sexy outfits.

Is it worth it?

If you’re only going to be in them for a few months, after which you’ll want to burn the lot, is it worth spending money on nice maternity clothes?

Yes! Yes! Yes!

As every woman knows, it’s not how you look, it’s how you feel. Although obviously if you look terrible you will also feel terrible but it’s safe to say that you need every bit of help at this time to feel good in your new body, and investing in some pretty maternity gear is one huge leg-up. Good maternity clothes can improve your look dramatically, because they are specially cut to fit your peculiar new shape, which makes them much more flattering: normal tops are always too short and tight, skirts are too short in the front and look ridiculous and so on. As well as this, anything non-maternity you wear in these last months will stretch so much that it will never go back to normal, and you’ll regret ruining half of your wardrobe.

1. Underwear

You need a good, supportive bra for the extra volume (and hence extra weight) and if you are going to breastfeed then you might as well make it a nursing bra while you’re at it. Don’t buy a plain white tit-sling: buy the most beautiful one you can find, even if it’s slightly squeezing the budget. Bits of this bra will appear in public when you start feeding, and you should be very proud to have it on display. Elle MacPherson has a lovely range, as do faithful M&S.

2. Vests

Maternity ones have better boob support than your normal ones, which is essential for you, and they are cut longer to fit snugly over your bump, which is essential for everyone who has to look at you. I bought four from Top Shop and used them until they fell apart, which was about three months before I did.

3. Jeans or Trousers

I feel a bit hypocritical telling you to buy a pair of maternity trousers, because I didn’t for my first two pregnancies. I found the stretchy panel over the bump part just soooo unattractive that I stuck to my regular jeans and tucked them under my bump. However, during my last pregnancy, I discovered the truly gorgeous Earl Jean maternity range, which succeeded in making me neither look nor feel particularly pregnant at all, and anything which can do that is worth serious consideration. I’ve since noticed several pregnant friends looking great in H&M and Next maternity jeans, so have a look and see what feels good.

4. Workwear

If you need to look suit-smart at work, investing in a proper maternity one could be a great investment, unless you are one of the 2% of (lying) pregnant women who manage to fit into all their normal clothes until the birth.

If you work in an office where shirts are the norm, it’s worth buying a maternity one, because they will fit much better and you’ll avoid the button-popping look over the waist and bust-line. You might even consider getting a smart, properly fitted maternity skirt if your ankles are still worth seeing, and if not, then stretchy bootleg black trousers will see you most of the way through. Check out Formes, Séraphine, Tête-à-Tête, Upfront and Top Shop B maternity range for some good work gear.

5. Eveningwear

You will be invited to a stylish function when you are absolutely humungous—it’s Mrs Murphy’s Law—so be prepared. It may feel like a huge waste of money, but buying a glam maternity dress which will make you the most attractive, sensual woman in the room is worth it. If you are not brave enough to do the top-to-toe clingy black dress à la Victoria Beckham, then go for something a little more conservative but equally stunning. You can’t pretend you don’t have a massive stomach, but you can pretend that you feel sexy. Cunning.

That’s about it to be honest. Above all, have fun with your temporary wardrobe. Hiding away for three months because you have nothing beautiful to wear is absolutely not acceptable: you are a gorgeous Yummy Mummy-to-be, so show the world what you’re made of and strut!

Where to Buy Your Yummy Maternity Clothes

Good Value: Shops

Top Shop: Already everybody’s favourite shop, but it just got a little bit better for mummies-to-be. Great!

Dorothy Perkins: Good for staples like vests and definitely affordable.

H&M Mama: You wouldn’t expect this range to be anything less than fashionable, beautiful and well within budget and it doesn’t disappoint at all.

Gap: No maternity range yet—watch this space!—but their generous sizing means you can get away with non-maternity stuff for a long time, and it’s all very preppy and cool.

Formes: Now here’s one of the most stylish places to buy maternity wear. A tad more expensive but gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous!

Good Value: Online

This is a great way to shop if you feel so queasy or fat that you can’t face trawling through the shops. Many websites are beautifully designed, so you can stock up your new wardrobe feeling confident and lovely. Just go easy on the ‘buy’ button: you’ll only need most of this stuff for a couple of months, so four pairs of maternity jeans is probably overdoing it a bit.

Blooming Marvellous: Plenty of choice and it’ll see you through the ‘big’ months looking fine.

JoJo Maman Bébé: Très chic basics and dresses.

Isabella Oliver: Beautifully designed flattering wardrobe essentials for you to look fabulous throughout.

Bumps Maternity Wear: Pretty lingerie and also baby clothes.

Maternity Exchange: For fabulous second-hand designer labels (which, don’t forget, won’t have been worn for more than a couple of months).

Homme Mummy: The Essential Maternity Wardrobe is a fabulous capsule wardrobe of stylish maternity basics—looks great, saves time!

Budget Blowers: Shops

9London: Extremely exclusive. Breaks the bank, but the Yummiest Mummies shop in there so may be worth the overdraft. And it smells lovely.

Diane Von Furstenberg Maternity: Well, the queen of the wrap has now launched an equally marvellous maternity range, so you don’t have to stretch your normal dresses and tops any more!

Bumpsville: This is really special stuff, and a couple of basics from here will be worth the minor splurge.

Blossom Mother and Child: Already visited by Kate Winslet, Thandie Newton and other A-listers, Blossom stocks regular designer labels which you’ll still fit, as well as their own gorgeous maternity one.

Budget Blowers: Online

Séraphine: Prettiest, most feminine maternity clothing I’ve ever seen. Well what did I expect? It’s French.

Arabella B: Excellent denim collection.

Push: The most un-glamorous name imaginable, but the collection is as sexy as it gets, and Push has a huge celebrity following so you’ll be logging on soon.

Serendipity: Stock super-stylish and glam stuff, from designers such as Earl Jean, Liz Lange and Urban Baby.

Gym Babies

To start with, a small disclaimer, so that you don’t try and take me to the High Court if things go wrong: what follows worked for me, through three healthy pregnancies, and I know many other women for whom it worked too. I’m not saying it’s for you, and you know what your body can take better than I do. Get the all-clear from your midwife or doctor before you start, and ask them if you are unsure about anything. Thank you.

How Much Exercise Should I Take When I’m Pregnant?

Ahhh, a subject of such debate, confusion, conflicting advice and worry. When you are pregnant you will feel quite protective over your bump, and the idea of putting your growing baby at any risk at all seems unthinkable. To counter this, you will also feel fat and large and huge and wobbly, and you will probably want to do some exercise to try and keep things in some kind of toned order, which is absolutely fine.

It all just depends on how much and what kind of exercise your body is used to, and whether it still feels OK to do it when you have a baby taking part as well. ‘If it feels bad, don’t do it’ seems like sensible advice to me. Something to bear in mind is that your body will be producing a hormone called relaxin, which is not a natural laxative as its name suggests, but just loosens all your joints in preparation for the you-know-what. This means you should be more careful about how much high-impact exercise you do, even if you are used to that sort of thing.

For me, it was running. I’ve been running competitively since I was a little girl (why? am I mad?), and my poor body is quite used to being put through its paces, on the road, in the gym, along a beach or wherever. In fact, if I don’t go running for a few days I get as grouchy as a pre-menstrual banshee wearing newly washed, slightly-too-tight jeans. It’s just who I am and what I’m used to.

Given this starting point, I decided I would try to carry on running, lifting weights, cycling and doing everything else I usually do, until it felt wrong or I just couldn’t manage any more because my bump got in the way, and it worked very well.

NB: Doctors advise against doing any exercise lying on your back after the first trimester, because the baby puts pressure on your vena cava, (the big vein carrying blood from your legs to your heart) which reduces the blood flow to the uterus, and to your brain, both of which are bad.

Here are some types of exercise you can do when you are pregnant:

Running: The most vigorous and probably ill-advised type of exercise during pregnancy, but it worked for me. I ran until I was 20 weeks pregnant, at which point it started to ache a little, so I stopped. Also, I got funny looks from people as I jogged along with my paunch, and I felt embarrassed.

Cross-Training: A perfect way to burn unnecessary calories you felt you ought to eat at the time: it’s non-impact, aerobic, and you can read about beautiful, non-pregnant people while you’re doing it to remind yourself why you’re bothering.

Weights: Very important, because moving your heavy body around in the later months will become hard work, and there will be lots of lifting and carrying to do after your baby is born. The stronger your muscles are the easier both will be. Your legs and arms aren’t pregnant, so you can have fantastically toned limbs to make up for the fantastically un-toned tummy. Apparently doing weights is very good for reducing your risk of getting osteoporosis too, so start now and carry on forever…

Sit-ups: I’m nervous about this bit, because I did them until I was about five months pregnant, but I would hate anyone to feel they ought to do this and do themselves or their baby an injury. If you’ve done your pre-pregnancy work and have strong abs before you start, then you shouldn’t have too much trouble getting back into shape. Do them if you want to, but never do anything which feels bad, and ask your doctor before you start.

Cycling: There is a point beyond which this becomes impossible because your knees bash into your huge bump. This isn’t usually until the very last month or so, and until then I found cycling a fantastic way of keeping fit and having toned legs. If you can cycle outside then so much the better: fresh air is great for growing babies. Just be aware of your changing balance as you get bigger—it can get quite wobbly on there towards the end.

Swimming: Probably the best exercise you can do, according to all the experts who know about this sort of thing. It’s cardiovascular, all your muscle groups get a workout, and it relieves the weight on your tummy and back, which is wonderful. I swam dozens of lengths every day as soon as I stopped being able to run, and until two weeks after my due date. It was so boring that it nearly killed me, and now I can’t go anywhere near swimming pools, but watching the attendants panic as a very overdue lady entered the pool again was well worth it.

Dancing: Not only good exercise but also very relaxing and good fun. I’m a hopeless dancer, and was even more ungainly and hopeless when I was pregnant, but I found it very calming and relaxing. Not sure about tangos and vigorous dancing, but ballet is perfect. If Darcey Bussell can do it, then so can you. Some gyms offer balletcise (what a word!) classes, which sound very soothing, and aim to tone you up gracefully. Ha ha.

Walking: Everywhere. If you really can’t find the opportunity to do any of the above, then walking is a highly overlooked form of exercise, and when you’re lugging a heavy baby around at the same time it becomes quite effortsome. Be warned, though: walking can become painful later on, as the baby puts pressure on your back and you start to get pains and twinges in your legs. In the final weeks walking is a great way to get things moving south, which you’ll be very keen to do.

Pilates: Apart from being the most fashionable form of exercise, Pilates targets the tummy and pelvic-floor muscles, which weaken during pregnancy. Many Pilates exercises are performed on your hands and knees, which is an ideal, if rather inelegant, position: it helps to take a lot of stress off your back and pelvis, and towards the end of your pregnancy can help to position your baby well when it’s time for lift-off.

Aquaerobics: I never did this, as the idea of a pool full of pregnant people was too grim for me, but those Mums I know who tried it said it was better than dry aerobics because the water made the bump less heavy.

Activities You Should Avoid

Some of the activities I was advised to avoid during pregnancy made me laugh until my stomach hurt. So there’s one for starters. As well as stomach-hurting laughter, I have read that pregnant women should also avoid waterskiing, horse-riding, sky-diving (!), downhill skiing, fencing, and ice-skating. Other no-nos include doing strenuous exercise if you are suffering from vaginal bleeding, premature labour or heart disease. You don’t say!

NB: In my experience, no matter how much you exercise, and how careful you are about what you eat, you will get a bit fatter during pregnancy. It’s nature’s way of preparing your body for the exhaustion which follows, and of cheering you up when the bulk starts to fall off at the far end. Don’t try to be a weight your body doesn’t want to be by doing too much exercise, and try to enjoy your new shape. Most men love the curves, and you will honestly look wonderful in your new, womanly silhouette.

TOP TIP: You will need new sports gear: a better, more supportive bra, a longer vest or T-shirt (to avoid exposing several inches of highly stretched midriff to the hunk of muscle on the machine next to you), and a very high quality pair of gorgeous trainers to protect your legs, joints and back. This is one item of kit which you can wear after the baby comes too, so spending a little more won’t feel as extravagant.

Antenatal Classes

If you want to spend a lot of time looking at huge, panting women, then I suggest you rent a (bad) porn movie instead. Ante-natal classes teach you little more about the birth than you can find out for yourself, they are usually in the evening when you’d rather be watching telly, they take ages, and there is always the possibility of them whipping out a ‘birth video’, from which you will never recover. What can be useful about these evenings among the dungarees and bored men, is that you get to know where the maternity ward is, you might meet women who will be your friends for many years, you can try out some labour positions which you will never use, and you will discover how hard a plastic baby is.

If you are going to go then find out about classes near you from your midwife, and book early—there are usually six sessions to go to, and they can book up quickly.

You’re Eating For How Many?

2 February. 8 p.m. Five months pregnant with number three.

All of a sudden I’m SO fed up with feeling big. I feel that I should be eating more because the baby must be beginning to need more now, but I just seem to be expanding in all the wrong places suddenly, and I really hate it. My legs are huge and I’ve got that horrible big-pregnant-face thing back again. I’m trying to stick to fruit for breakfast, a light salad-y lunch with some chicken or something, and lots of veggies for dinner with some carbs, but maybe that’s not enough. Yes, it is enough. It was fine last time, and the bump is definitely getting bigger so it must be OK. God, it’s so hard to know if I’m getting it right. If there’s anything wrong with this baby I will always blame myself, but if it all turns out fine and I’ve turned into an elephant I will wish I hadn’t pigged out so much. Either way I’ll be wrong, so I’ll just try to eat sensibly. Fat chance, ha ha.

So, so, so, so many of my friends dread becoming fat during pregnancy. In fact, they’re so convinced that pregnancy will turn them into a big blob of lard, that it’s one of their main reasons for putting the whole thing off a little while longer. This completely baffles, and also rather annoys me, for two reasons:

Firstly, what’s wrong with getting a little bigger? Maybe pregnancy is a good time to lose the boyish hips and develop a womanly curve or two. Secondly, being pregnant doesn’t mean being fat. Not all pregnant women swell to the size of a salad-dodging Sumo wrestler. It all depends on how you decide to play it, and how much willpower you have. If you have no willpower at all, then now is a good time to start cultivating some.

The great news is that you can have a baby and still get into your normal jeans on the way back from the hospital—you just can’t button them up for a few weeks. Toned thighs and abs are still a definite possibility, and unless there are medical reasons which cause excessive weight gain, it’s very possible that you will go back to being roughly the shape you normally are. Like all desirable things, you just have to work at it, and in this case that means really, really, really hard.

When you are pregnant, you will get bigger. It’s mainly just your stomach and breast regions which will go a little crazy, and to be honest that’s hardly very surprising: there’s a person growing inside you, and it’s got to go somewhere. Unless you have some really weird internal arrangements, like no vital organs at all, then the only way is outwards, hence the big tummy.

And the breasts thing is fantastic! Even the flattest of flatties develop heaving bosoms worthy of a Merchant Ivory production. Any man (or woman) who has cause to be fumbling around the region will be delighted with your new arrivals. Embrace these new curves: flaunt them, feel them and enjoy every inch, because when the breast-feeding is over, so are the breasts. Gone!

Anyway, so far, ‘bigger’ is OK. It’s a good kind of bigger. The trouble starts when you feel you have to eat enough to feed your growing baby as though it’s running a marathon in there or something. It’s not. It’s just hanging around, swallowing, stretching, sucking its thumb occasionally, and growing a teeny bit. Hardly enough to merit a full extra meal, if you’re honest.

‘But it needs to grow—I must eat more!’, you will cry, washing down another granola bar with a full-fat latte before polishing off your husband’s pain au chocolat and wondering if just one more doughnut before lunch might be in order. This is absolutely fine, if you don’t mind turning into a bus. It’s not fine if you want to recognise yourself in a few months’ time.

WARNING!!: This strong sense of having to eat tons more than usual is reinforced by absolutely everyone you know telling you to, and tirelessly offering you calorie-laden nourishment, which you would never normally have (honest). Resist! Resist! This goes doubly for your parents, and about ten-fold for any in-laws you may have acquired. Only visit these well-meaning people if you are armed with either a will of iron strong enough to decline their barrage of offerings, or a paper bag to pop any unwanted but forced-upon-you food into for future disposal. It sounds awful, but these desperate times can call for desperate measures. The alternative is just saying ‘No, thank you’ the whole time, which becomes very boring, and makes your mother-in-law think you hate her. Bad plan.

But I’m eating for two

No, you are not, or at least not in the way that it implies. ‘Eating for two’ makes it sound like you should be packing in two times the amount of food you would normally eat, or at least something approaching it. If you do that, as everyone from your second-best friend (your best friend will know better) to your favourite barista will do their damnedest to encourage, you will, as you so fear, become enormous!

‘Eating for two’ became my most hated phrase when I was pregnant (apart from ‘Oh, I had twins, too.’ I’ve never had twins, just huge bumps, apparently).

OK, so how much am I supposed to eat when I’m pregnant?

This is an impossible question to answer, but I can tell you what worked for me, and you can decide if you want to give it a go. Everyone is different, everyone wants different things, and I am NOT saying that this is medically or universally the best way to approach things, so please leave the lawyers out of it.

For me it was a simple question of maths. I am 1.7 metres tall and I normally weigh about 50 kgs. At twelve-weeks gestation a foetus is, depending on which book you decide to believe, about 6cm long and weighs roughly 18g. Grabbing a pocket calculator for a second, I calculate that this made my three-month-old unborn baby about 3.5% of my height, and only 0.36% of my weight.

So at this stage, going by our relative weights, it was more a case of eating for 1.0036 than for 2. Looking at a typical day’s food, that’s probably not much more than a few extra grains of rice, and maybe a couple of grapes.

Not two Danish pastries, a mozzarella panini and a steak tartare, then? Errrr, no.

Even at full term, when it is ready to be born, a baby is generally about 35 cms long and weighs on average 3.5kgs. That’s still only 7% of my normal body weight. In food terms, I make that one extra potato and a chicken wing, at the most.

Can a baby really grow big enough that way?

Babies do whatever Mother Nature has in mind for them. Most just seem to grow as big as their genetic make-up tells them to, and there seems to be little correlation between the amount Mummy eats and the size of her baby. I’ve known big ladies produce tiny babies, and skinny ladies give birth to whoppers. Que serra, serra.

Using my very own geeky, logical approach, I managed to produce two 9 lb babies (which to you and me just means ‘ridiculously big’), and one 8 lb baby. I didn’t put on more than a kilo or two besides baby weight with any of my kids, and most of this was to be found in my maternity bra. I breast-fed all of them without any trouble at all, and so far they seem to be very strong and healthy children.

Now, before you padlock the larder…

Other Factors to Take Into Account (which mean you should up the food-intake)

Your increased blood volume, higher metabolism and just general extra effort required to haul yourself around all mean you should probably increase what you eat by slightly more than I’ve shown above. But the general point remains the same: becoming pregnant doesn’t mean you have to eat tons more. Just a little extra healthy food will do wonders.

Obviously, if you have any concerns, then go and talk to your doctor or midwife about them. At the end of the day, or rather nine months, it’s your baby, and your body. If you do what feels right for both of you, you will always know that you did your best. If you don’t mind putting on a bit of weight, then go for it! Being pregnant was the first time I enjoyed feeling rounder and more curvy, and it was (eventually) a very sexy feeling. But if you’d rather keep the weight gain to a minimum, then try not to eat much more than normal. As long as it’s a balanced diet with all the food groups in it, you and your baby will probably both be just fine.

Body Image and Eating Problems

Here’s an indisputable fact: lots of women have eating problems. Millions of us. I can hardly think of a single friend between the ages of twenty and sixty who hasn’t had, or doesn’t still have, some kind of hang-up about food and eating, and that’s not because I hang around neurotic, anorexic, food-obsessed people. Almost everyone has food issues these days, and pregnant women are no exception.

We may like to think, or hope, that becoming a mother somehow changes our attitudes to life, our priorities and our self-image, but in fact it often does nothing of the sort. Just because you have a baby to think about does not automatically mean you suddenly stop caring about the size of your bum, the wobbliness of your thighs or how much carbohydrate you consume. Nor should you expect it to, or worry if it doesn’t.

If you are one of the lucky, confident types who loves her body in whatever form, then I take my hat off to you. If, like me and most of my friends, you have a fairly changeable body image and have been through periods of being underweight, overweight or just-not-the-weight-you-want weight, then you will probably continue this way throughout your pregnancy. Some women get a little worse, and some women get a little better as they learn to relax about their bodies.

One thing I have discovered is that pregnancy can be the start of food problems for many women because it changes your body shape out of all recognition very quickly, you suddenly become aware of lots of parts of your body you had never paid much attention to before, and it requires you to think about what you do and don’t eat the whole time. Once you’ve had the baby you might start to lose some of the weight gained, but this pursuit can become addictive, which is why you may have seen pictures of previously gorgeous, curvy girls suddenly looking like skeletons within a year of their baby being born. It’s very sad, but it’s not uncommon.

So if you are wondering why there is quite so much reference to food and body size in this book from now on, that is why. Spend 20 minutes in a playground or a toddler group and just listen to the conversations: 80% of them are about biscuits, picking at food, losing weight, trying to get fit or just feeling fat. I had a conversation with a stunningly attractive mother of four last week who told me she only started to accept and like her ‘new’ body when her first child was 12. It’s not just me. It’s motherhood.

Anorexia

If you are truly anorexic then you have done well to conceive in the first place, and you should get some medical advice about nutrition for your pregnancy. The main person who will suffer if you don’t eat enough is you: I have known some unbelievably skinny women produce healthy, chubby babies, but they themselves look drained, pale, and pretty rough. Also, we don’t know much about what long-term effects your being slightly undernourished can do to your growing baby. When the breastfeeding kicks in, you really do need to have extra reserves in place if you want to remain healthy, so get some help if you think you should be eating more but can’t.

Bulimia

Again, if you make yourself sick occasionally, regularly or even frequently, you probably won’t stop the day you become pregnant. Bulimia is so widespread these days that there are probably hundreds of pregnant women who continue to make themselves sick, and are terrified of what it’s doing to their baby. I have been an on-and-off sufferer since I was about fifteen, and it was only a recent health scare which finally kicked the habit abruptly and permanently. Being pregnant didn’t, and I carried on being sick every so often throughout all of my pregnancies. My babies were all absolutely fine. The worst part is the guilt and worry, and if you can get some counselling then do. Probably the worst side-effect of bulimia from a baby’s point of view is that it puts your stomach under considerable stress, it can throw your electrolyte balance off-kilter, and it makes you worried.

Taking laxatives

This seems like a very bad idea to me. Laxatives reduce the amount of nutrients getting into your blood, and hence into your baby’s blood. Talk to your doctor as soon as you can about this sort of problem.

There have been many studies into the effects of eating disorders in pregnancy on babies, but there is little to support the idea that having a minor eating problem can put your baby at greater risk of miscarriage or abnormalities. What does seem to be agreed upon is that issues about body image and food do not go away during pregnancy, and can even get worse afterwards unless some kind of counselling is offered. If you are worried, embarrassed or confused about any of these issues, then please, please talk to your doctor or midwife, who should be able to point you in the right direction. Hiding won’t help anybody.

Pampering—Yes Please! But Is It Still Safe?

If indulging in a little luxury and pampering were out of bounds during these most trying months, then Life really would be a total bitch. Luckily, she isn’t, and she has a heart after all. Either that or she just has a well-developed sense of what’s important, and knows that keeping a pregnant lady looking and feeling good is near the top of the list.

So, what can and what can’t you treat yourself to? Here we fall into the ‘not recommended if you are pregnant’ trap: manufacturers are so terrified of getting sued by irate mothers blaming every skin upset, disastrous hair colour or streaky tan-marks on a product they’ve used, that they slap a warning on everything from two-minute hair packs to nail buffers. Actually, not nail buffers, but that’s probably only a matter of time. The only way to keep up your beauty routine and to enjoy some glamour-restoring treats during your pregnancy is by turning up the common-sense dial once again, and trusting your own instincts.

Hair Colouring

See the box of hair-care tips from Daniel Galvin on page 33.

Aromatherapy

To get all serious for a second, you should only use essential aromatherapy oils if you know what you’re doing, and never during the first three months of your pregnancy. Some essential oils are very dangerous if used during pregnancy, and absolutely not worth messing around with. Having said that, the correct blends of oils can restore your sense of mental well-being, happiness and balance, and an aromatherapy facial is a fantastically relaxing and effective way to care for your pregnant skin and worried brain. Book into a salon which caters for Yummy Mummies-to-be, and talk to your beauty therapist about what you need first.

Essential oils to AVOID include basil, camphor, bay, cedarwood, clary sage, clove, cinnamon, hyssop (what?), juniper, marjoram, myrrh, sage and rosemary.

Essential oils which are still OK include peppermint, for morning sickness, lemon for indigestion, lavender, geranium and rosewood for itchy stretch marks, and grapefruit and orange to combat fatigue, now that coffee’s off the menu.

Massage

Essential for pregnancy survival, especially in the later months, but you need to go to a specialist who knows how to handle and pummel your changing body. There are special positions, techniques and even bizarre objects to lean yourself over to make the whole experience safer and more comfortable. Business-savvy health spas up and down the country are cottoning on to the fact thatYummy Mummies are desperate for this sort of pampering, and there are new ones opening every month. Below is a list of some of the finest, and where to find more places near you.

TOP TIP: Leave leaflets for some of these day and weekend spas lying around as the weeks go on, and make subtle hints about feeling very achy and knotted. If he doesn’t book you a little surprise within two weeks, take yourself off with a girlfriend and have a ball.

Nurturing Massage at Elemis Spa: If you like a little inner peace and ancient philosophy with your pampering treat, then head straight here. Using a beanbag for the massage, camellia oil to prevent stretch marks, and specific care for stressed skin, this is sheer luxury in heavenly surroundings.

Pregnancy Massage at Space NK: Each trimester of pregnancy is specially catered for in this aromatherapy treat.

Mother-to-be Package at Apotheke’s Jurlique Day Spa and Sanctuary: How does a float in Dead Sea salts, a body massage, a holistic pedicure and an organic facial sound?

Pitter-Patter Preparation at The Parlour: Using the miracle-working Dermalogica products, this treatment, in fabulously opulent, boudoir-esque surroundings, will tailor to your specific needs brilliantly, and includes full body massage.

Many hotels and day spas offer specific treatments for pregnancy, and babycentre.co.uk lists quite a few.

Fake Tan

Again, there isn’t any evidence to say that this is dangerous in any way, but you might not turn out exactly the colour you had in mind because of your hormone situation. I had no trouble with it at all, and was glad to see a little colour in my now tired and slightly anaemic face and over my increasingly unenviable body. If you can get a professional splash of colour worked into your pampering treat, then so much the better.

Reflexology

Contrary to what you may have heard, reflexology cannot bring on a miscarriage, but most reflexologists won’t treat women in the first three months of pregnancy because that’s when the risk is highest naturally and they don’t want hefty lawsuits. Fair enough. After this, you can have your aching feet prodded and squished as much as you like, unless you have a pre-term labour (before 37 weeks, but what are you having reflexology for if you’re in pre-term labour?!), you suffer from placenta previa (low-lying placenta) or hydro amnios (too much water around the baby). Ask your midwife if you are unsure.

The benefits of reflexology include helping to relieve back pain, curing insomnia and digestive problems, and having somebody touch your feet which is my idea of Heaven at any time.

Keeping Up Appearances à la Maison

Unfortunately, it’s not within most of our budgetary limits to have weekly facials and daily neck and shoulder massages. Damn. But leaving time to pamper yourself at home is just as good for day-to-day survival. This is also true of looking after your basic make-up and the way you dress: you obviously don’t need the most expensive products or a stylist to help you out. Just making some time to wash and dry your hair nicely and taking some extra care over your makeup can give you a cheap but very effective morale boost to get you through the toughest ‘my bum is massive in this’ day.

Home Facials

I always have hundreds of face-mask sachets promising one beauty miracle or another in my bathroom, and they certainly didn’t get ignored when I was pregnant. Your skin will need more pampering and care than it ever has before, as your baby starts to drain every ounce of goodness from your body, and a moisture-replacing, glow-enhancing, dead-cell-removing, mood-lifting face mask will be the cure to your greyness.

Great Exfoliators: Clarins Doux Peeling, Dermalogica Daily Microfoliant and No. 7 Gentle Renewing No Grains Exfoliator.

Great Masks: Botanics Vitamin Recovery Mask, The Body Shop Vitamin E Mask, and Elemis Exotic Cream Moisturising Mask for dry, dull skin. Nivea Visage Active Purifying Face Mask, Crabtree & Evelyn Deep Cleansing China Clay Mask or The Sanctuary Mint and Rosemary Mask for upset, spotty skin.

Great Moisturisers: Olay Total Effects Time Resist Moisturiser, Dr Hauschka Rose Day Cream, Clinique Dramatically Different Moisturising Lotion, Lancome Hydra Zen Reinforced Skin De-Stressing Hydration Cream.

Great Eye Treatments: Elemis Absolute Eye Mask, Lancome Primordiale Optimum Yeux.

Great Hair Treatments: John Frieda Frizz-Ease Miraculous Recovery Deep Conditioning Treatment, The Body Shop Olive Glossing Conditioner.

Great Body Treats: Elemis Frangipani Monoi Moisture Melt, Body Shop Shea Body Butter, Dove Silkening Body Lotion.

Mother-to-Be Treats: The Sanctuary Mum To Be Body Cream, Natalia Perfect Pregnancy Kit Bodycare by Vital Touch.

Debbie, mother of Luke, three, and Helena, eleven months

While I was still in the hospital I shaved my legs, put on a refreshing face pack and painted my finger—and toe-nails. When the health visitor called at my house the next day, she looked at me, in my Monsoon shirt, flowing skirt and full make-up, and asked if I was my sister. She couldn’t believe I had just had a baby, but I felt wonderful. Fully me, and fully ready to tackle the day’s chores.

Sex: How, Why And When?

Sex may not be foremost on your mind as your pregnancy really starts to take shape (as it were), but it’s still there, and it needs some attention too. Pregnancy can have a huge effect on your attitude towards sex, and whatever your experience, somebody else will be feeling the same way.

Some women become nymphomaniacs, others go off sex completely for the rest of their lives, and most fall somewhere in between.

Dealing with the WHY first, there are two answers I have found: firstly, because you still can, and secondly, because if you don’t you will worry about your lack of interest, and that your partner, becoming paralysingly frustrated, will run off with next-door’s nanny while you turn into a miserable old prune. The first part is very real: when you are super-huge, sex becomes physically impossible, if not dangerous to whoever happens to be underneath you. Once the baby is born you won’t be able to have sex for a good few weeks, or even months, and after that you will have to schedule it in between ‘go to bed’ and ‘fall asleep’, which can only amount to about ten seconds, on a good day.

HOW is up to you really, but any chandeliers, trapezes and highly penetrative sex toys are out for now. Sorry. Vibrators are still cool, but careful where you put them is all I’d say: easy does it…Lying on your back is uncomfortable and unwise for long periods of time now, because the baby is getting heavy and it presses down on your back and reduces your blood flow. Get a book and play around, because I’m sure as hell not going to tell you how we did it!

WHEN? Whenever you can. And can be bothered. And don’t feel sick, or have terrible heartburn (although my husband swears he knows the best cure for that, if you know what I mean…), or are too tired, or want to sit in the bath squeezing colostrum out of your nipples instead. It’s your call, because you are the pregnant one here.

Oh, and masturbation is still fine. Quick, effective, painless and risk-free.

TOP TIP: Less of a tip than a request, really. Please, please keep having sex as much as you can while you are pregnant. It’s so easy to put it on hold for a while, but getting your mojo back when you’ve been ‘on a break’ for several months is really difficult. You will need all the help you can to feel like a sexy, horny, desirable, nubile young thing once you become a Yummy Mummy as it is, and sex is one of the best ways of keeping in touch with the old you.

The F Word: I am Definitely the Fattest Person in the World

No you’re not. You are pregnant. Reminding yourself that you are pregnant and not fat doesn’t make it any easier or less distressing at the time, alas: when you start to feel big, bloated and shapeless it’s horrible, and you won’t be able to see past your growing abdomen and convince yourself that it’s actually not that bad. However, to most other, rational people you look lovely and womanly.

TOP SURVIVAL TIPS for this stage:

Don’t spend hours looking at yourself in front of the mirror from all angles, wondering if you are still the same shape when you try really hard to imagine the bump isn’t there. It’s hopeless.

It’s impossible to be objective. To your pregnant eyes, everything is bigger. And bigger is definitely not better right now.

Don’t ask your partner’s opinion. It’s very unfair, because he can only either lie to you or be the target of your pregnant wrath and loathing. You won’t believe him anyway, because you are convinced that you are fat, so leave him out of it. Poor bloke.

Look at pictures of beautiful, sexy, curvaceous women, and realise that larger can definitely be gorgeouser. Rachel Weisz, Jennifer Lopez, Kate Winslet, Kelly Brook and on and on. Sexy, curvy women! Love it.

If none of the above works, then this will be a difficult, depressing few months, until you become properly pregnant and have no option but to go with the flow and love your bump. In the meantime, do yourself a favour and remember: YOU ARE NOT FAT, you just have ‘fat lenses’ in for a while.

Testing, Testing: One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six…

Pregnant women need to toughen up before the birth, and the best way to do this is to stick needles in them as often as possible. Or so the medical profession seems to think. By the time you’ve reached The End, your arms will look like a watering can, you’ll have weed in enough small plastic vials to fill a watering can, and you will have had more tests than a watering can goes through before it’s released onto the shelves at B&Q.

Most of this testing is just to keep an eye on your iron levels and to see if there’s any protein in your urine (a sign of pre-eclampsia, aka Very Bad News). But there are other tests you will be offered, which can tell you a lot about your unborn baby, and which you will have to decide whether to have done or not.

Here are some of the main tests to expect:

Routine blood tests. These will first determine your blood group, rhesus factor and iron levels, and then whether you have Hepatitis B, syphilis (ugh) or toxoplasmosis, and whether you are immune to German measles. If you are rhesus negative you will probably have blood tests every four weeks or so after 28 weeks.

Blood-pressure checks. Every time you see your doctor she will check that your blood pressure isn’t starting to shoot through the roof. If you are like me, the opposite problem will occur: my blood pressure gets lower throughout every pregnancy, until I can barely stand up without passing out. Hey, at least it’s different.

Screening for Down’s Syndrome. This is a hard decision for some, and an obvious one for others. Only you know how you would feel about having a child with Down’s, so talk it through with your partner and do whatever feels right for both of you. There are loads of different tests available, and different areas will offer different ones.

Glucose-tolerance test. Some women develop a special form of diabetes during pregnancy, and this is detected by finding extra sugar in your urine. You will probably have to drink a can of Lucozade and then have a blood test shortly after. Don’t do what I did, which was to drink a can of Diet Lucozade. The whole point is to get the sugar in there, Liz—duh!

Urine tests. You’ll have these throughout your pregnancy to check for signs of pre-eclampsia and to practise being humiliated. There is no simple way to get it in the bottle, so just hold it down there, hope for the best, and scrub your hands, wrists and forearms afterwards.

Amniocentesis. By removing a sample of your amniotic fluid with a long, hollow needle, and then analysing its contents, doctors can identify hundreds of genetic disorders, including Down’s Syndrome, trisomy 18, and spina bifida. It is usually offered between the fifteenth and eighteenth week of pregnancy, and you have to be very sure that you want it done: there is a 1 in 200 chance of having a miscarriage after amniocentesis, so it is a big risk to take if you don’t really need it. Talk about it…

Ultrasound Scans

Oh. My. God. Amazing, amazing, amazing. Scans are one of the most incredible things you will experience during the whole of your pregnancy, on a par with feeling your baby move and looking at your cleavage. A scan makes your baby seem real for the first time, and it can be a huge shock.

If you have completely irregular periods, like me, then you might have a scan within the first few weeks of gestation, just to confirm how far gone you are. At this stage there is almost nothing to see, except for a small blob, so don’t get too excited.

It’s common to have another one at about twelve weeks, to check that everything is hunky-dory, and to terrify you a little. By this stage your baby is about six centimetres long, and you may clearly be able to see the beginnings of little limbs, and a definite head bit. This is a good chance to get the first ‘baby photo’, which you can stick on your drinks cabinet to remind you why you’re not going to have that gin and tonic, or hide in your wallet and peek at on the way home.

The BIG SCAN usually happens at twenty weeks, and you should prepare yourself well. This time you will see a proper-looking human baby sucking its thumb, kicking its legs, waving at you (yes, really waving at you), scratching its head, turning somersaults and all sorts. Most people cry, some can’t speak for hours, and others get hysterical.

Tips to make the experience better:

Never go to a scan alone: This is one of the most important moments of your life, and sharing it with a four-year-old copy of Hello is not a good idea. You will need a cuddle when you come out, so take someone special.

Drink lots of water: It makes the image better, because a full bladder pushes the baby closer to the ultrasound thingy…

Wear some beautiful knickers: They will be seen.

Check your bikini line: They make you pull your knickers down very low, and it will just make the nurse’s day if there are no wayward hairs sticking out. Eeek.

Bring some cash: Trying to pay for a baby photo with a credit card won’t work, and you only get one chance to buy one.

Tell the scan-lady (or man) if you want to see the screen better: They are usually very kind, and will turn the monitor round for you to see everything. Otherwise you end up with a cricked neck as well as a belly covered in jelly.

Ask if you can’t identify anything: The image from an ultrasound is very dark and confusing, and unless you are used to looking at such things, it may look like nothing but black and grey blobs. Don’t lie there saying, ‘Oh yes! I can see her tiny fingers’, when really you could be looking at her earlobe for all you know. Ask, and ye shall learn.

Try not to think about having a scan as a way of finding all sorts of things wrong with your baby. A lot of people get really worked up about scans, but they are usually just a great chance to see your baby for the first time, and to make the pregnancy feel more real. Very, very real, in fact. Yikes!

Come Fly With Me (while you still can)

If this is your first pregnancy, then please trust me on this one: travelling will never be as easy or enjoyable as it is now, so GO ON HOLIDAY and enjoy yourselves while the going’s good. If you don’t, and you duck out because you can’t be bothered, feel too tired, or don’t look nice in a bikini any more, you will regret it forever, and really annoy me because I’d love to go, thanks very much.

If possible, fly away somewhere beautiful, because this will be the most tricky form of transport once the baby arrives, and you can get somewhere much more exotic on a plane. Flying short distances is perfectly safe for your baby and cabin pressure, dry air and ugly seat-covers won’t harm it. Do tell your doctor before you go though, because everyone has different medical circumstances…

TOP SURVIVAL TIPS for pregnant travellers:

Fly before you are 28 weeks pregnant. After this, some insurance companies get a bit panicky, and either refuse to insure you at all, or require a letter from your doctor confirming your due date.

Carry your travel medical insurance with you at all times.

Take your medical notes with you.

Drink lots more water than usual to combat swollen feet and ankles, and to stave off dehydration.

Go to the loo every time you see one.

Walk about even more than usual on a flight, to prevent varicose veins, backache, thrombosis and so on.

Learn how to say ‘pregnant’ in the language of the country you’re going to. ‘Stop staring at my big stomach’ is also handy.

Don’t go scuba diving, or use saunas or hot jacuzzis.

Go to the British Insurance Brokers Association if you are having trouble getting travel insurance.

Health Matters

Yes it does, and here are some.

As well as what you eat, drink, do and think, there are yet more things which could affect your pregnancy, and which you should be aware of. Because we’d hate any pregnant ladies to be having too much fun, wouldn’t we…

Gardening

Assuming you can still bend down and reach some soil and filth, then wearing gloves and washing your hands thoroughly afterwards is essential. Earth contains parasites which can cause toxoplasmosis, which in turn can cause brain damage to the foetus, or even a miscarriage. If you let these get under your nails and into your mouth, you could be in real trouble.

Pets

If you still have a pet, then try to get rid of it as soon as possible. Ok, obviously don’t really do that, but you might like to spend a few minutes honestly trying to think how manageable this will be soon: a baby is quite enough for most new mums to handle, without also having to feed the goldfish, clean out the hamster or take the Labrador for long walks. In the meantime, being near animals is not a good idea when you are pregnant, because they carry all sorts of bugs and nasties, which are potentially very harmful to a Yummy Foetus, for example toxoplasmosis, chlamydia, listeria, E. coli and salmonella. It’s also not a good idea to visit a zoo, a farm or a vet. The worst domestic offender is the cat litter tray, and if you must clean it out then dress like a bee-keeper and wash your entire body thoroughly with TCP afterwards.

Medication

If you are on any, your doctor should have gone through whether you can carry on taking it while you are expecting. If you have to take some medicine at some point, make sure it’s OK to.

A small problem: Almost everything carries a ‘do not take this if you are, or think you might be pregnant’ warning in case somebody drinks an entire bottle of Night Nurse and sues the pharmaceutical company when her baby has three heads. This makes it impossible to know whether something really is potentially harmful, or if there’s virtually no risk at all unless you are armed with common sense. If you truly believe that taking one Nurofen for the headache you’ve had for two days will do more harm to your baby than the stress your headache is causing you, then you must carry on suffering.

Definite no-nos: aspirin (it thins the blood), ibuprofen, decongestants containing ephedrine.

Safe medicines: paracetamol (hooray!), antacids containing magnesium or aluminium, and most other over-the-counter medicines, but ask first!

External Factors

These include working in a smoky atmosphere, being very trigger-happy with the bleach, living under the M4, painting all your walls in leaded paint, and other such nasty things. Try to avoid inhaling, ingesting or spending a lot of time hanging around any nasty chemical or biological substances, which could pass into your blood, and then into your baby.