Читать книгу Her Ex, Her Future? - Louisa George - Страница 15
ОглавлениеShe might be ready for anything, thought Lily a couple of hours later, but Kit clearly wasn’t.
There hadn’t been much opportunity for chat when the boat had been speeding through the water, bouncing on the surface, and the wind rushing in her ears, but once they’d dropped anchor and tied up to a buoy, and once they’d waded to the beach, Kit carrying the picnic basket over his head in a particularly manly fashion, she’d thought things would change.
She’d thought that the day would be like the last few days only with an added frisson of tension and anticipation that the privacy of the cove would afford them. She’d thought—perhaps naively—that today would be a good day to initiate a conversation about what they were doing and what they wanted.
But she’d been wrong.
Because judging by the air of surliness that Kit had worn ever since they’d sped away from the jetty and the monosyllabic responses he’d given to her subsequent attempts at small talk he didn’t seem up to conversation, let alone the kind of conversation she was toying with.
From time to time, unable to stand the awkward, tense silence, she’d glanced over at him and caught him looking at her with eyes so dark and intense they were utterly unreadable and she’d gone so jittery, breathless and dizzy that she couldn’t have spoken even if she’d wanted to.
All in all the morning so far had not been conducive to talking so was it any wonder that every time she’d geed herself up to tackle the conversation she’d planned, she’d chickened out? No, it wasn’t.
But perhaps now they’d had lunch he’d be in a better mood, she thought, brightening a little. Maybe he’d just been hungry. Now she thought about it that made a lot of sense because Kit always got grumpy if he was hungry, and it had been quite a while since breakfast. Plus, although he was beginning to stir now, he’d been so still lying beside her, his eyes firmly closed and his breathing slow and deep, she’d guessed he’d had a little sleep, which would surely add to his receptive frame of mind.
So while earlier might not have been the ideal opportunity to talk, maybe now was. Maybe she ought to take the bull by the horns and take advantage of this moment of peace and quiet and seeming calm, and sort things out once and for all.
Lily took a deep breath and summoned her confidence as she rolled onto her side and propped herself up on her elbow. ‘Kit?’ she said, and smiled at him in what she hoped was a calm, reassuring manner.
Opening his eyes, he turned his head to look at her, ran his gaze the entire length of her and then back up, and abruptly sat up. ‘What?’ he snapped.
His tone cut through her thoughts, derailing all her plans for talking to him about them and zooming all her attention instead to the look on his face. His features were twisted, as if he were being tortured inside. He looked dark. Wild. Anguished. In agony, in fact.
‘Are you all right?’ she asked, alarm beginning to shoot through her at the idea that he might be having a seizure or a heart attack or something.
‘I’m going for a swim,’ he growled, to her astonishment leaping to his feet and striding off towards the sea.
* * *
That smile of Lily’s would be the ruin of him, thought Kit grimly, slicing through the water in an effort to rid himself of the sizzlingly hot electric energy flowing through him.
All morning she’d been flashing it at him and it had been driving him nuts. Just now, when she’d bestowed it on him again together with that soft murmur and the undulation of her body as she’d rolled onto her side, all gentle hills and tantalising valleys, rises and dips and light and shadow, he’d been within a hair’s breadth of reaching for her.
Damn, this whole boat-secluded-beach thing had been such a bad idea. What the hell had he been thinking in agreeing when she’d suggested it? Had he really thought the circumstances would have her throwing herself at him in wild, unbridled passion? Had he really thought he’d have no trouble holding on to his self-control? Hah. What a complete and utterly deluded idiot he’d been. He had no self-control when it came to Lily. He never had.
So what the hell was he going to do now? He couldn’t stay out here pounding away at the waves for ever. He had to head back to shore at some point. And what would happen when he did? How was he going to handle this? Did he even want to think about it?
Perhaps it was best not to. Perhaps it was better to just go with his instinct and suffer the consequences. Communicate how he was feeling with actions rather than words. At least then he’d know one way or another how Lily felt, and if she did reject him he could live with it.
With such a strong sense of purpose now calming the heat and tension inside him, Kit turned for the shore. He was halfway there when he stopped for a breath, looked towards the land and saw Lily sitting on the sand in the shallows and clutching her foot, her lovely face contorted in pain.
His blood ran cold and his heart lurched and he started scything through the water just as fast as he could, the desire to find out what was wrong, the need to help her obliterating any kind of other need and desire.
When he reached the shallows he staggered to his feet, his heart pumping and his muscles screaming. Rubbing water from his eyes and pushing his hair back, he stumbled over to her.
‘What happened?’ he said, dropping to his knees beside her and noting her pale face with concern.
Lily winced and rubbed her foot. ‘I was planning to come and join you for that swim but I trod on something sharp.’
‘Does it hurt?’
‘A bit.’ For which he read a lot.
‘Let me take a look.’
He reached for her foot. He wrapped his hand round her ankle and was about to take her foot in his other when he felt her freeze. He glanced up at her, saw that her eyes were now filling with wariness as well as pain, and he lost what was left of his patience. ‘Oh, for heaven’s sake, Lily, don’t look like that. I’m not going to ravish you.’
‘You aren’t?’
What did she think he was? Forget communicating with actions rather than words. There wasn’t any need for that now. The wariness in her eyes told him everything. She wasn’t keen. He got it. Finally. So he’d leave her alone. And not just right here and now. ‘Of course not,’ he snapped. ‘Relax.’
With a nod and a frown she bit her lip and he felt the tension in her muscles ease a little. Dragging his gaze from hers, he gently turned her foot in his hands and tried not to think about the softness of her skin or about how he used to give her foot rubs that frequently turned into something else. He tried not to think about how gorgeous she smelled, how warm she felt or how close her mouth was, so close that all he’d have to do was twist his head, lean forwards and he’d be kissing her.
‘Looks like you stood on a sea urchin,’ he said, his voice hoarser than he’d have liked.
‘Is that bad?’
‘I can only see a couple of spines, but who knows?’ He racked his brain for what little he knew about the severity of ocean-creature stings and bites but it was hard when his head was filled with nothing but thoughts of what he’d like to do to her. ‘Are you having trouble breathing?’ He was. In such close proximity to her his lungs seemed to have forgotten how to work.
‘No.’
‘Chest pain?’
‘No.’
‘Then probably not.’
He released her foot and got to his feet before he acted on the instinct he’d been favouring only a few minutes ago out there in the sea but was now wholly inappropriate.
‘Where are you going?’ she asked, squinting up at him.
‘There’s a bottle of vinegar in the picnic basket. The acid should help.’
She gave him a faint smile. ‘Better than you peeing on me, I guess.’
Kit frowned down at her, and thought that despite the stab at humour he didn’t like the flush in her cheeks one little bit. ‘Don’t move.’
‘I won’t.’
* * *
As her foot continued to throb and tiny stabs of pain shot along it Lily watched Kit head over to the picnic basket, her heart contracting and her spirits plummeting.
Her intention to follow him into the sea and continue the conversation she’d barely started might not have worked out as planned, but she’d wanted an answer to the question about where they were heading and now she had it.
Kit wasn’t planning to ravish her, and she didn’t think he meant simply here on this beach. A minute ago they’d been practically naked and so, so close to each other and all he’d shown her was cool practical concern, while she...
She blew out a breath as she watched him hunker down and rummage around in the basket for the vinegar, part of which had dressed the salad and part of which was apparently to dress her, and swallowed back a surge of desire.
Well, she’d lied when she’d told him she wasn’t having trouble breathing and didn’t have chest pain, although neither had anything to do with standing on a sea urchin.
The minute he’d laid his hands on her and turned her foot with a gentleness she’d never have expected from him her breathing had gone haywire. And then when he’d told her he had no intention of ravishing her her chest had tightened so much her heart had physically hurt.
And now he was coming back with the damn vinegar and she was going to have to employ every drop of self-control she possessed to stop herself throwing caution to the wind and herself into his arms.
Swallowing hard, Lily kept her hands planted on the sand as Kit once again knelt beside her.
‘I’ll see if I can remove as many of the spines as I can,’ he said with a brief smile. ‘I’ll try to be gentle.’
She didn’t want gentle, she thought rebelliously, clamping her lips together to stop the words tumbling out as he held her foot and began pulling out the spines. She wanted rough. Urgent. Desperate. She wanted his hands not touching her in the cool, impersonal manner of a doctor, but stroking her and kneading her and caressing her in the manner of a lover. She wanted hands that would explore her and make her tremble and drive her mindless with desire.
She might have let out a tiny moan. She might have whimpered. Whatever noise she did make Kit instantly stilled, his head jerking up and his gaze locking with hers.
Something flickered in the depths of his dark eyes and her breath caught. For a moment it felt as if the entire world had stopped to see what was going to happen next.
And then he was jerking away from her, snapping the connection of their gazes and shoving a hand through his hair, and the world carried on its business.
‘Kit?’ she murmured, reeling from the intensity of the moment and the abrupt way it had ended.
‘You winced,’ he muttered, jamming the lid on the vinegar and standing up. ‘I’m sorry if I hurt you. But now you’re done.’
‘Nothing to worry about,’ she said, scrambling to her feet, the pain now wiped out by a wave of mortification and the sting of rejection. ‘And thank you.’
‘We’d better head back.’
‘Good plan.’
* * *
Returning from a visit to the clinic, where her foot was checked and given a cleanish bill of health, Lily stalked into her villa, threw her bag on the sofa and then flung herself on the bed, frustration, disappointment and tension practically tearing her apart.
Kit didn’t want her. Physically or otherwise. That much was now blindingly obvious. So obvious, in fact, that she was kind of stunned she’d ever got into her head that he did.
How could she have been so stupid, so deluded? Well, her sister had a lot to answer for, she thought darkly, rolling onto her front and burying her head in a pillow. If it hadn’t been for that stupid phone call she’d never have leapt to the clearly wrong conclusion that he might still have feelings for her.
Zoe had said she thought that Kit might still love her, but might also meant might not, didn’t it?
And if that was the case then she’d been wrong to read so much into the look he’d given her in the bar when she’d first turned up for supper the day he’d arrived. She’d thought she’d seen so much there in his eyes, but perhaps she’d only seen it because she’d wanted to see it. And perhaps she’d been wrong to imagine, wonder, hope even, that things between her and Kit could be anything other than what they were.
Which was absolutely devastating, because while the last few days hadn’t resulted in a tumble in the waves, they had highlighted all the reasons why she’d fallen in love with him in the first place: his enthusiasm for everything he did; his live-life-to-the-full attitude; the way he made her feel protected and cherished; his generosity and inherent kindness.
They’d also highlighted the fact that despite all her assertions to the contrary, despite everything she’d told herself over the last five long, horrible years, she’d never fallen out of love with him. She knew now that she still loved everything about him. Always had, always would.
While he was completely indifferent to her.
As her heart twisted Lily let out a muffled wail and thumped the mattress with her fists. Oh, what a mess. So much for wondering where they were going, she thought desolately. They weren’t going anywhere. Apart from home. Tomorrow. And then on with their lives. Separately.
As a stab of despair shot through her at the futility of it all she rolled onto her back, sat up and looked gloomily out of the window.
At least the weather, having taken a turn for the worse, was vaguely sympathetic to the blackness of her mood.
Ever since they’d got back—and what a hideously awkward journey that had been—the air pressure had been dropping and the temperature had been rising to what was now an almost unbearable level. The clouds that had started scudding across the sky when they’d moored the boat back at the jetty were now so dense and dark it felt as if the island were lying beneath a heavy, hot and humid blanket.
Even though it was only mid-afternoon it felt like dusk. Not the soft, balmy dusk of the last few days, but an edgy, malevolent dusk that was laden with an ominous kind of portent. The wind was whipping up the sea, bending the trees practically double, and the air was crackling with electricity that she could feel vibrating through her too.
She felt weirdly on edge. Prickly. As if a whole hive of bees had taken up residence inside her.
And what exactly was she going to do for the rest of the afternoon? She couldn’t read. Couldn’t work. Couldn’t do any of the activities the resort usually had to offer as everything had been cancelled due to the storm that was brewing. There was the gym, but even if that had appealed Kit had muttered something about heading that way when they got back, which ruled it totally out.
And as for simply lying back and relaxing, well, that was out of the question too because in the absence of anything else to do it seemed that she was going to be spending the afternoon driving herself mad with if onlys and what ifs, wondering what he was thinking, what he was doing and if there was anything she could have done differently to make him want her again. The rest of the time she had left on the island she’d have to spend avoiding him.
Or would she?
A clap of thunder boomed across the sky, rattling the windows and making her jump. And get a grip.
Hang on, she thought, jumping off the bed and beginning to pace as her brain suddenly started whirring. What was she? Some kind of a wimp? Who was this woman who shied away from a challenge? Where was the woman who’d been so determined to have it out with him that she’d accidentally stood on a sea urchin?
Was she really going to meekly accept that they weren’t going anywhere and just leave things in the past? Was she really going to give up without knowing for sure that there was no future for them when the opportunity to find out was there for the taking?
No, dammit, she wasn’t.
What the hell did she have to lose by confronting him? Her pride? Well, that had gone years ago. Her sense of self-preservation? Hah. She’d been kidding herself that she ever had one in the first place.
And what was she so frightened of? That he might turn her down? Or that he might not?
Lightning split the sky, illuminating the room for a second, and Lily felt her heart begin to race as what she had to do, what she wanted to do, became clear.
She couldn’t go home not knowing what could have been and she couldn’t stand another minute of the uncertainty. And yes, the outcome of what she was about to do was a fairly scary unknown, and yes, the weather was diabolical, but in all honesty, she thought grimly as she grabbed her cagoule and pulled it on, she’d faced far worse.
* * *
Making it back from the gym to his villa a second before the heavens opened, Kit strode into the shower room and flicked on the water with perhaps more force than was strictly necessary, but frankly he was all out of patience, and all out of hope.
He’d done his best to get Lily to want him the way he wanted her, but his best simply wasn’t good enough. He had to accept the fact that Lily just wasn’t interested in him the way he was in her.
The memory of her sitting on the edge of the beach shot into his head. The moment he’d caught the tiny sound she’d made that could have been pain or something else and their gazes had locked. The highly charged moment in which it had seemed to him that they were teetering on a knife-edge. In which he’d been willing her to take the chance on them. And in which she hadn’t.
The moment that had pretty much told him everything he needed to know.
Steeling himself against the stab of pain that struck his chest, he stripped off his gym kit, tossed it into the laundry basket that sat in the corner of the bathroom and stepped into the cubicle.
Switching the water to ice-cold, Kit winced and felt his muscles relax after his workout, but as for the ache in his chest, well, that, he suspected, was going to be more difficult to assuage.
But he’d just have to because he could take a hint. Or lack of. He wouldn’t seek Lily out any more. He wouldn’t try to change the way things were. It had been a mistake to think that there was any chance of a reconciliation. They had too much baggage and the past should remain right there, in the past.
It had definitely been a mistake to come here, he thought grimly, turning the tap to hot, grabbing the bottle of gel and beginning to lather himself up. With hindsight he’d have stayed the hell away.
But never mind. He only had another twenty-four hours or so on this godforsaken island and then he’d be home. Back to normal. More or less. He’d put Lily out of his mind and get on with his life. He’d move on. Just as he should have once he’d discovered his little ‘problem’ had been solved. He’d get over the distaste at the thought of meeting someone else. Of course he would. In time.
He’d have to because whatever the future held, one thing was certain: it didn’t hold Lily.
What with thunder crashing through the sky, the hammering of the rain on the roof and at the windows and the pelting of the shower over his body—not to mention the rushing in his ears at the acknowledgement that he and Lily really were over—at first Kit didn’t hear the pounding on the door of his villa.
Then he did and he frowned because who the hell was out in this weather? And what was so urgent that it couldn’t wait until it passed?
With a scowl, he switched off the shower, grabbed a towel and wrapped it round his waist. Feeling so tightly wound he thought he might be about to snap, he stalked out of the bathroom. Headed into the hall.
And stopped dead because—it was Lily.
The last person he wanted to see. The only person he wanted to see.
With an eerie sense of fatalism, Kit walked over to the door, his heart thundering and his stomach churning. He opened it and flinched at the gust of wind that whipped in.
Wearing some kind of waterproof top that didn’t have any chance of standing up to the full force of a tropical storm, Lily was sopping wet and dripping onto the step. Her hair was plastered to her skull and her eyes were wild in the dim light of the afternoon. There was a tension gripping her body that drew him. Confused him. Made him wish he were wearing considerably more than just a towel.
Ignoring the disturbing effect she was having on him, he pulled her inside and then with some effort closed the door.
‘What the hell are you doing out in this weather?’ he growled, deliberately channelling his feelings of frustration and confusion into anger to stop himself from dragging her against him and in all likelihood getting a slap to the face. ‘Are you insane?’
‘Very probably,’ she said with a shiver as she peeled her cagoule off.
He stepped forwards to take it from her and then, before the scent of her could get to him, wheeled off to hang it in the bathroom. He brought back a towel and handed it to her.
She rubbed her hair and all Kit could do was watch and wish he were doing it for her. With his brain a mess and his body a mass of tension and need he didn’t trust himself to speak so instead he waited until she was done.
‘I knocked for ages,’ she said eventually, dropping the towel on the sofa and raking her fingers through her hair.
‘I was taking a shower. I didn’t hear you.’
‘I apologise for the interruption.’
Kit frowned at the shakiness of her voice. It might be hot and humid outside but now he thought about it she sounded cold. Sort of numb.
And then it struck him like the lightning that was now flashing all around them that Lily had always been terrified of storms. At the first crack of thunder she’d always dived beneath the duvet, shivering and sweating and breathing far too fast. The only thing that had calmed her was taking her into his arms and letting her burrow right up against him until it was over.
‘Are you all right?’ he asked, the desire and frustration hammering through him making way for a thread of concern.
She blinked up at him. ‘Of course I’m all right. Why wouldn’t I be?’
‘You hate storms.’
She stared at him. ‘What?’
‘You’re terrified of them.’
‘No, I’m not.’
‘You used to be.’
‘Oh. Well. Yes. But I saw someone,’ she said, linking her hands and, he thought, for some reason holding on tightly. ‘Did a course. Got over it.’
‘You did a course?’
‘Yes.’
‘I didn’t know that.’
‘There are a lot of things that you don’t know about me.’
‘Clearly.’ Such as... ‘What are you doing here, Lily?’
For a moment she just looked him. Swallowed. Then pulled her shoulders back. ‘OK, well, the thing is...’ She paused then took a deep breath. ‘The thing is, I want to know what’s going on here, Kit.’
At her words Kit went very still and his brain went on high alert. ‘What do you mean?’
‘With us.’
Wasn’t it obvious? He’d thought it was. But maybe it wasn’t. His heart began to thump, though with what he didn’t know. ‘What do you think is going on?’
Lily blew out a breath and threw her hands in the air, as if some sort of dam had burst and she couldn’t hold back any more. ‘I don’t have a clue, do I? First you’re all “let me in we need to talk it’s urgent” and pushing me up against a wall, next you’re rushing halfway across the globe to come and find me, and now you couldn’t be less interested. I don’t understand it.’
Kit blinked as if he’d just been thumped in the chest. She thought he wasn’t interested? Why would she think that when he’d gone overboard trying to show her just how interested in her he was? ‘I’m interested,’ he said roughly.
She rolled her eyes and crossed her arms beneath her breasts. ‘Oh, yes, sure. In a brotherly kind of way.’
His jaw tightened and his eyes narrowed. What the hell? ‘You think I’m being brotherly?’
‘What else would you call it?’ she said, jutting her chin up. ‘The constant helping hand and all the buddy-buddy stuff. The sea-urchin-spine-vinegar thing. Not to mention this current seriously misplaced concern for my well-being.’
‘Not brotherly,’ he said tightly. ‘Not brotherly in the slightest.’
‘Then what is it?’ she said, her cheeks pink and her chest heaving. ‘Because it’s driving me nuts. Completely nuts. I don’t want your help, Kit, and I don’t need your concern.’
Kit could feel the rush of blood to his head, the pounding of his heart. ‘What do you need, Lily? What do you want?’
‘What do you think?’
‘Tell me.’
‘OK, fine, I miss you.’
He went very still, every cell of his body hovering, waiting. ‘We’ve spent the best part of the last four days together.’
‘I miss your touch. I miss your nearness. I miss your kisses.’
‘So what’s the problem? Sexual frustration?’
‘Damn right that’s the problem,’ she said, her eyes flashing and her breathing going all choppy. ‘Partly. You owe me an orgasm.’
‘Well, why didn’t you say?’
‘I’m saying it now.’
He took a step towards her, his eyes not leaving hers. ‘Say it all,’ he said.
‘Everything?’
‘Didn’t you say that honesty was the best way to deal with this?’
She gulped. Her breath caught. ‘These last few days have been hell, Kit.’
‘In what way?’
‘I want you so badly it’s practically eating me up, while you...’ She shrugged. ‘You just don’t seem to feel the same way.’
‘I do.’
Her gaze snapped to his. ‘You do?’
‘Very much so.’
‘So what has this all been about?’
‘Me needing you to want it as much as I do.’
‘I do,’ she said, her voice breaking. ‘I really do.’
There came a crash of thunder. ‘Then show me.’
