Читать книгу Regency Surrender: Passion And Rebellion - Энни Берроуз, Louise Allen - Страница 53

Chapter Five

Sarah followed behind the others as they all trooped into the house. The tea ceremony had been dispensed with for the day since they’d all enjoyed cool drinks on the lawn and no one was hungry. Sarah would have liked to escape to her room to tidy herself, but a look from Lord Myers sent her straight to the library. He followed her in and closed the door behind him. One look at his face made her catch her breath.

‘What is this I hear about your lesson this morning, Miss Goodrum? Can it be right that you condoned the behaviour of a maid who was dismissed for immorality—and did you really give Francesca books that described the procreation of children?’

‘We were talking about poetry and Francesca happened to say that a man could let a woman down. I hadn’t realised how innocent she was and I thought it better she should know the truth.’

‘And John—is he old enough to hear it like that?’

‘I did not explain anything in detail and he seemed to know more than Francesca. I gave her books on anatomy, but tried to explain about feelings and the consequences of being carried away by them.’

His gaze narrowed. ‘What kind of books did you deem suitable for a young woman of sixteen?’

‘They have pictures, which show the workings of both the male and female body, and explain about childbirth and...the rest of it.’

‘And you think that suitable reading for a young lady of quality?’

‘It is better she should know than go to her wedding night in ignorance, wouldn’t you say? We talked further on our walk and I was careful to impress on her the consequences of having...intimate relations before one is married.’

‘Good grief!’ Lord Myers seemed stunned for a moment. He ran his fingers through his thick dark hair, his grey eyes wintry. ‘I was told you were an unusual governess and you certainly are, Miss Goodrum.’

‘Would you prefer I’d lied? Would you have Francesca ignorant of the facts of life? She will know now precisely why she ought not to give in to the persuasion of rakish men—and what may happen if she does. She will also be more prepared for her wedding night.’

‘You take my breath away.’

Sarah swallowed hard, her hands turned inwards, the palms sweating. ‘Forgive me. I did what I thought was right. I know some ladies might think I was too direct...’

‘A great many men would feel the same. Such revelations would undoubtedly have led to instant dismissal in most households.’

‘I did not intend it to be part of the lesson, it just happened. I realise that convention decrees that these things remain hidden from a young woman—but I think it unfair that girls should marry without the faintest idea of what to expect. In some cases the shock may damage their marriage. Besides, most girls hear it from a servant rather than their mother. John had some garbled version from a stable lad and I thought it best to be open.’

‘Yes, I see that...’ Lord Myers was staring at her. The heat in his eyes seemed to burn her skin. ‘Well, it is over now and perhaps no harm has been done. I would ask you not to indoctrinate your charges with your radical ideas too often, Miss Goodrum.’

‘No, of course not—though I feel Francesca’s mother would have told her the facts of life by now had she lived.’

‘In a rather different way and not in front of her brother, I imagine.’

‘Yes, perhaps that is true. John did not seem surprised or particularly interested. I imagine he’s heard more in the stables than he heard from me.’

‘And that is to be regretted,’ Lord Myers said. ‘The language of the grooms is something most boys learn, but it must be tempered with proper explanation so that he understands what it means to be a gentleman. He must learn where the dividing line comes between taking one’s pleasure and guarding one’s honour and that of a lady.’

‘Yes, of course. It is a good thing that you came here, sir. He very much enjoyed himself this afternoon.’

‘I have decided that in future I shall take over John’s lessons. I do not disagree that Francesca should be prepared for life—and she will be aware of the consequences, as you say—but John needs a firm hand.’

‘I am sorry you feel I have let him down, my lord.’ Sarah’s cheeks were stinging for she felt herself at fault, though in her opinion she’d done nothing to merit such censure.

‘No harm has been done that a few lessons with me cannot put right. We shall continue to have games or other pastimes that we share, Miss Goodrum, but I no longer want John to join you in the mornings.’

‘As you wish, sir.’ Sarah stood stiffly, her hands in front of her. She felt his censure unfair and yet understood his point of view. John did need male guidance and would do better not to gain his knowledge of the world via the stables. ‘May I go now? I should like to write some letters before I change for the evening.’

‘Yes, you may go,’ he said, then, as she walked to the door, ‘Wait a moment, Sarah—I did not wish to censure you. I felt it my duty after what John told me.’

Sarah turned to look back at him. There was no hint of tears in her eyes, though she could feel them inside. ‘You were doing your duty, sir. If I failed in mine, I am sorry.’

She went out and closed the door before he could answer, hearing him curse as she did so. She was feeling subdued as she walked up to her room. Her first day had seemed to go well, but clearly she had made mistakes and aroused Lord Myers’s disapproval—and that hurt. It hurt more than she would have imagined.

What he would think if he knew of her deception she dared not think. No doubt he would believe his opinion of her as some kind of adventuress thoroughly vindicated.

* * *

At dinner that evening Sarah wore her same gown. She had no other evening gown suitable and would not have dared to venture downstairs in it if she had. She had already aroused doubts and suspicions in Lord

Myers’s mind. Next he would be thinking her a courtesan or some such thing. She did her best to seem natural and held her head high, answering any questions that came her way, but keeping her opinions to herself. Even when Lord Myers mentioned the Regent and Francesca asked if it was true that he had been married to Maria Fitzherbert, she refrained from joining the conversation until directly addressed.

‘Well, I think it was very unfair of him if he did,’ Francesca said when Lord Myers merely shrugged and said he didn’t know. ‘What do you think, Sarah?’

‘In any other case I would say it was wrong and that she had a right to be upheld as his wife—but because of the law about royal marriages it may not have been a true one. I do not know the truth of the matter.’

‘If he did not truly marry her, he tricked her into being his mistress.’

‘Francesca.’ Lord Myers glared at Sarah. ‘This is not the right subject for the dinner table. Please refrain from discussing this in mixed company. You may speak to Miss Goodrum in private on the matter if you wish.’

Francesca blushed and Sarah threw Lord Myers an angry glance. He was taking a moral stance that was hardly necessary. Such things were often discussed openly in society, though rarely in mixed company and not before children or innocent girls. He was perhaps thinking of John, for he had decided to mentor him on matters of morality. Now Sarah saw her own fault in being too easy with Francesca and looked down at her plate.

As Francesca would have protested, she reached out to touch her hand. ‘Later, my dear. Lord Myers is right on this occasion.’

He threw a speaking glance at her across the table. Francesca saw it and subsided into silence. She did not speak again until John was sent to bed and they were alone in the drawing room, waiting for Lord Myers to join them.

‘Are you in trouble with Uncle Rupert because of what you told me about love this morning?’

‘Perhaps I should have been more wary—waited to explain until we were alone. John is young and impressionable after all.’

‘Nonsense! He knows far more than I do. We talked about everything when we were alone, but there were things he wouldn’t say. He said it wasn’t fit for a girl’s ears.’

‘Lord Myers is afraid he may have heard things in the stable that may give him the wrong idea about such things. We are to have our lessons alone in future.’

‘That’s so unfair of him. It wasn’t your fault. You are the only person who has ever treated me as a woman—the only one to tell either of us the truth.’

‘A conventional governess would not have done so. She might have given you some information in private—and perhaps it is what I should have done. Well, it is not my decision to bar John from our lessons, but I am sorry if it upsets you. I believe in speaking my mind—but it is not always wise to do so in company, especially at the dinner table.’

‘No, I see that—but it was just us, family...’ Francesca stared at her. ‘Are you crying?’

‘No, of course not.’ Sarah blinked away the wetness that had unaccountably come to her eyes. ‘Do you truly think of me as your family?’

‘You’re the sister I never had.’ Francesca smiled at her. ‘She would have told me the things I needed to know—especially when she was married. It’s silly the way they hide things from unmarried girls, isn’t it? How can we make a sensible choice for a husband if we don’t understand what it means to be married?’

‘Oh, my dear,’ Sarah said and was suddenly amused. ‘You are supposed to enjoy your Season and have fun—and you would normally ask your mama what she felt about the gentleman you liked. She would give you her advice.’

‘Will you be my chaperon when we go to London? Please, Sarah. I would rather it was you than someone I didn’t know.’

‘You hardly know me—though I feel as if I’ve known you always. I doubt if I would be thought suitable. You need someone of more consequence. Besides, I shall have to leave you before then.’

‘You won’t let Uncle Rupert drive you away?’

‘You mustn’t take against him because he corrected you at table, Francesca.’

‘I shall hate him if he sends you away. I’m going to tell Grandfather that I want you as my chaperon when he comes down at Christmas.’

‘We’ll think about that later,’ Sarah said, her throat tight with emotion. Francesca was becoming so special to her and the idea of being her chaperon appealed, but of course it was not possible. Sarah could not enter society as Miss Goodrum and, as Miss Hardcastle, she would not be acceptable to the girl’s guardians. ‘We have lots of time before then. I must teach you so many things—and the first is to think before you speak. Whatever we may discuss in private, and whatever your opinion of a situation or fact, it is sometimes better not to repeat it to others, especially in company.’

‘Oh, you do not need to tell me. I was so mortified I could have died.’ Francesca turned to her and hugged her. ‘You mustn’t be hurt, Sarah. If Rupert is mean to you, I’ll tell John to put something horrid in his bed.’

Sarah laughed. ‘Now that you must never do, dearest. Besides, it might result in the cane for John and you would not want that. Lord Myers takes his duty seriously and I think you must both respect his wishes.’

‘I was looking at those books you gave me. Is that what really happens? It looks awful. I can’t see why anyone would want to do anything like that...’

‘I think that feelings come into it,’ Sarah said with a smile, but then the door opened and she shook her head. ‘You might wish to go up now, dearest, and I shall follow.’

Francesca nodded. She approached Lord Myers and bobbed a curtsy. ‘Goodnight, sir. I am sorry if I offended you earlier.’

‘Good grief, child. I was not offended, but your reputation might suffer in company. I wanted you to be aware.’

‘Yes, Uncle Rupert. Sarah has explained that I may ask her anything in private, but not speak so openly in front of others.’

‘Good. Run along now. I wish to speak to Miss Goodrum.’

Francesca threw a speaking look at Sarah and went out.

‘Miss Goodrum—’ Lord Myers stood looking at her uncertainly. ‘Will you honour me with a game of chess this evening? You do play chess, I hope?’

‘Yes, my lord. My father taught me. I played often with him.’

‘I thought that might be the case. Will you oblige me?’

‘If you wish.’

‘I do wish. I also want to apologise for my display of bad manners earlier. I did not intend to squash the child—and I thank you for putting things right.’

‘It was a misunderstanding all round, my lord. I do not think it will happen again.’

‘I suppose I cannot prevail on you to call me Rupert in private?’

Sarah hesitated, then, ‘I hardly think it wise, sir. If I could add uncle I would do so, as the others do, but I cannot—and so I feel that it would not be right.’

‘Make it sir, then. I cannot stand to be my lorded all the time. I would even prefer Captain Myers, as I was known in my army days.’

‘Yes, sir. You were in the army?’ Sarah asked politely, as she set out the beautiful ivory-and-ebony chessboard with delicate carved figures. ‘I thought perhaps you might have been. My father always said it was easy to tell a military man by his bearing.’

‘Indeed? I think I should have liked to know your father, Sarah.’

‘Yes, you might. I think he might have liked you—he was very direct and to the point and honest.’

‘Like you, I imagine?’

‘I resemble my father in some ways. I cannot say all.’

Sarah was acutely aware of her lies. She was beginning to hate them and wished that she dare tell him the truth—explain why it had seemed such a good idea and why she wanted to stay here as Francesca’s governess. Yet he would not understand. He would revile her for lying and worst of all he would dismiss her and install a new governess in her place.

Even though she had made mistakes on her first day, Sarah felt that she was helping Francesca. She had gained the girl’s confidence and affection, too. It would hurt her if Sarah left—and she might become sullen, taking against Lord Myers and the new governess.

Sarah was doing no harm. She would be careful in future to temper every opinion she gave with the counter-argument and explain why Francesca must conform to what society expected even though she might disagree privately, but she could not desert her.

She dismissed her qualms and brought her mind to the game. Lord Myers showed his mettle by his first few moves, but she was with him.

* * *

Sarah had learned from a chess master and she was well able to keep up her end. By the end of an hour she had beaten him twice and been beaten herself once when an early move on his part had sealed her fate almost from the beginning.

At the end of the third game, she stood up.

‘I believe I should leave you now, sir. Goodnight.’

‘Goodnight, Sarah,’ he replied. He was on his feet, standing so close to her that she could scarcely breathe. Her heart was beating fast and she felt the heat start low in her abdomen and sweep through her. She was being drawn to him like a moth to a flame. In another moment she would be in his arms. He would kiss her and then...

She stepped back, breaking the fine thread that had bound them.

‘I should go.’

‘Perhaps you will let me try for revenge another evening.’

‘Yes, of course, if you wish.’

With that she walked to the door and went out. He made no move to stop her or call her back, though she thought she heard a muffled groan as she closed the door behind her.

* * *

Alone in her room, Sarah closed the door, locked it and then stood with her back against it. She felt weak and knew that she had escaped by a hairsbreadth from a fate that was described as worse than death—another few seconds and he would have seduced her. She would have allowed it. She had wanted it, longed for his kiss—and what came after.

It was those feelings she’d warned Francesca of—feelings that would lead to her downfall. Even as Miss Sarah Hardcastle she would not have expected a marriage proposal from Lord Myers, unless he needed a fortune, of course. Somehow she did not see him as lacking wealth or the determination to make it if he had none. He was not the kind of man to need a Cit’s daughter as a wife.

Sarah was well aware that as the daughter of a mill owner she would not be thought suitable to marry into the best families—unless of course they happened to be desperate.

Sarah was trembling as she undressed and dived beneath the sheets. The awful thing was that she suspected she would enjoy being seduced by Lord Myers—and that would be stupid.

‘Foolish, foolish, foolish!’

Yet the temptation to remain, to let him kiss her and do what he would on the rug before the fire had been strong. Why did he have this effect on her, something that no other man had before now?

She pounded her pillow. Before this, Sarah had resisted every advance, deflected every unwanted offer with ease—but something told her that if she stayed here she was in danger of succumbing to her wretched feelings. Even worse than being seduced was the fear that she might learn to care for him—and that must lead to terrible unhappiness.

‘No, I shall not. I refuse to care about him,’ she whispered and closed her eyes on the tears as they insisted on falling. ‘I am not so silly as to care for a man who merely wants to seduce me.’

In future she would have to be constantly on her guard. Friendly but cool, even aloof.

She would be the perfect governess. In private, she would be open and friendly with Francesca, but whenever Lord Myers was around she would keep her distance.

* * *

God damn it! Rupert groaned as the door shut behind her, leaving him with the scent of her perfume in his nostrils and the want of her surging through his blood. What was it about Miss Hester Goodrum that had sent his senses haywire? He could hardly remember feeling such urgent lust before in his life. For a moment it had taken every last ounce of his strength to keep from dragging her into his arms, kissing her to within an inch of her life and carrying her to his bed.

His thoughts were outrageous and he knew it. If she was the governess she claimed to be, he would be doing her an extreme disservice and she did not deserve such treatment from him. Yet what if she were indeed an adventuress? There were things that did not sit well with her claim to be merely a governess—and why had she told Francesca to call her Sarah? Surely if her name was Hester a pet name would be Hetty or some such diminutive?

If she had been another man’s mistress, then she was fair game and he would be justified in hunting her down until she agreed to be his. It was odd, but he did not wish that to be the case. Indeed, he feared that her appeal would be tarnished if he discovered that she was a schemer and a liar.

Why would she come here if she were not what she professed to be? The question bothered him, chasing round in his mind like a puppy after its tail. He could see no advantage to it—unless she hoped to seduce her employer, but she could have hardly hoped for that since the marquess was nearly three times her age and seldom visited his country house.

Was she hiding from someone or something? Had she been accused of theft or worse? Lurid thoughts chased through his mind—had she murdered her protector, stolen her employer’s heirlooms or been snubbed by society?

A smile touched his mouth for he did not see Sarah as a fugitive from the law. Yet he would swear her name was not Hester Goodrum, nor had she been a governess until recently. So where was the real Hester and why had they changed places?

Yes, of course, it was what must have happened! Rupert felt certain of it, though he could see no reason for the masquerade. Sarah did not strike him as a

society miss who would do something like this for a jest or a wager. No, she had a perfectly good reason for what she was doing.

If that turned out to be the case, she was a consummate liar and Rupert hated liars. His mouth thinned. In his experience women lied without thought for the harm they caused or the pain they inflicted.

He determined that he would discover the truth and unmask her and then—then he would show her no mercy. He would offer her an ultimatum: become his mistress or risk exposure and the scorn it would bring.

For a moment in his anger he dwelled on the prospect with pleasure, but then the picture faded and his expression hardened. He had never forced a woman into his bed and it would bring only a hollow victory. No, he would put the woman out of his head and, if he discovered she had indeed been lying to them, he would dismiss her.

Sarah Goodrum, or whatever her name was, would discover that she had made a mistake when she decided to try to fool him. By the time he’d finished with her she would wish she’d never been born.

* * *

It had rained during the night, which meant the grass would be wet if she chose to walk first thing. Sarah decided to forgo her exercise. Perhaps the afternoon would be warm and dry. In the meantime she would take an early breakfast and then spend some time in the library, preparing lessons for that day. She would try to be more conventional, and perhaps in the afternoon, if it were still damp, they could play the pianoforte. Francesca had told her she played, but needed help to achieve a higher standard. Since it was one of Sarah’s chief pleasures and something she did well, she had hopes of achieving at least this much for her pupil.

* * *

She was the first in the breakfast room and had eaten when the door opened to admit Lord Myers. He looked at her coldly, his manner markedly reserved as he perused the chafing-dishes and then brought his plate to sit opposite her.

‘Good morning, Miss Goodrum. I trust you slept well?’

‘Yes, sir. I took my breakfast early since it was still wet out.’ She pushed back her chair and stood, hesitating a moment. Why had he changed so much since the previous evening? He seemed a man of many moods.

‘There is no need to leave on my account.’ He frowned at her.

‘I had finished, sir. If you will excuse me?’

‘Yes, of course. You should prepare your lessons for the morning—a little more carefully today, if you please.’

‘Yes, my lord.’

Tears stung behind her eyes, but she gave no sign as she lifted her head and swept from the room like a queen.

How dare he speak to her that way? For a moment anger rolled over the hurt, but then she remembered that he was here in place of her employer and had every right to address her as he chose. He could send her away if he wished.

Sarah bit her lower lip. She had no idea why he was angry with her. The previous evening she had sensed that he was on the verge of making love to her—so why had he changed so suddenly?

Obviously, he was a law unto himself. He was an aristocrat and had no interest in the feelings of a lowly governess—any more than he would in the daughter of a Cit, even a wealthy mill owner’s daughter.

Sarah would be a fool to allow herself to care for a man like that—even if one of his sensual looks could make her feel weak at the knees and keep her sleepless in her bed.

She had made up her mind to keep her distance during a restless night and his manner this morning had made that easier. If they both kept their distance, except when in the children’s presence, everything would be fine. She would conquer this temporary weakness and her heart would remain untouched.

Sarah would spend a few months in retreat from her own life and do what she could for Francesca—John, too, if he needed her, though he seemed to have taken to his mentor and hung on Lord Myers’s every word. She would stay for as long as she could, but if life became unbearable she would leave.