Читать книгу The Orchid Nursery - Louise Katz - Страница 7

The door is thick and made of iron. The key is so big and heavy I must hold it in both hands. It’s more like a bolt really, a long, hard shaft of black metal, scored and notched along its whole length. I quake at the blasphemy I am about to commit, then insert the key and push until I feel it bite. I turn it with both hands and the door opens.

The smell is powerful, raw, ammoniac. My breath catches in my throat and my eyes water. I am angry with myself for this simplistic animal response, so typical of weak (wo)Mankind, and make myself take a step forward into the close atmosphere. I have smelled similar in the stables, this reek of straw, of livestock and vegetarian excrement. It should not upset me so much. Of course the womanidols are made of flesh. This cannot be helped. But I had not expected this, our hallowed citadel, to smell like shit.

The Orchid Nursery is set into the centre of the corp-yard. The high, round dome is made of segments of lovely pink-hued glass, a rare flesh colour created by masters of the art of isolating and manipulating fundamental aspects of the elements, water, air and the earth, our wild mother, whose unreliable humours must be subdued and made to obey the dictates of Men lest we all fall pray to the exigencies of her whims. The shimmering half-globe rises from a circular stone wall inscribed with the sacred maxim, form follows function. This wall is twice the height of a Man, the granite surface obscured by the boughs of espaliered pear trees, their limbs splayed flat against the wall.

Most of the Nursery is under the earth; the mysterious lives within enjoy the filtered sunlight, safe against the extremes of seasons and the gaze of profane eyes. Before the western face of the Nursery is the stone altar with its Plea Box for annual Beseechings. It is a sacred secret/un-secret, a mystery, but one we all see every day. It lies at the heart of all the concentric circles of our Perfect State.

We pass by the Nursery all the time on our daily rounds and sometimes a girlie will stop to pay her respects to the womanidols within, who we know to be there though we never see them. We leave small offerings sometimes, a comb we have made, a piece of fruit. These are always gone by morning. But we don’t go in, ever. The careforcers do, but they never tell, having sacrificed their voices to their sacred tasks when they are first commissioned. The Seed-Bearers enter the Nursery too, when they are selected for service, but they are Men so naturally we rarely speak to them. And of course those destined to become womanidols go inside; they go inside once only and they never, ever come out.

But I needed to know if Pearl was there. I was so very angry with her when first she went missing. When the anger passed, as of course it had to, I found that it had misled me, obscured my deeper feeling: a terrible fear for my friend. My anxiety was raw and red and had to be salved, for I had come to fear for my wits. So I stole the key from the Careforce office. I did not know what would happen to me if I were found out, did not know if a punishment had been invented for a crime nobody had ever committed before. I went by way of the underground passage from the office, the only way in or out, at least as far as I know. I was shaking violently and I could smell the acrid pungency of fear on my skin and my breath.

Yet all my life I have imagined being here, the place that all little girlies desire to end their childhood. The highest privilege is to be among those chosen to serve as a womanidol, clean and Perfect. Females born of unPerfected (wo)Men become foot-soldiers, gardeners or house-mothers if they are not themselves graced through a successful Beseeching for Perfection; the boys become Craftsmen or Scholars, Seed-Bearers or Ecumen. But the sons born of womanidols become our Properganders, Men of Right-Sight and Construers of the sacred DoppelBook, and are destined to succeed our Brother Ministers, the wise and mighty heroes of Liberation, for they are marked as Elect by GodFather (Blessed Be His Cock-and-Muscle, alive-alive-oh-oh ever amen). They devote their lives to prayer and interpretation of the Holy Strictures from the age when their tender lips can first form words until the day they are taken by merciful death into the embrace of GodFather (BBHCM) in Heaven above to live forever in blissful oversight of many farms and factories, with cunny aplenty trained perfectly in all the sexual arts, five-hundred apiece, that they might always be sated and (wo)Men need not be overtaxed.

The Properganders of Art & Pain, of Yearning & Duty, of Instruction & Destruction, guide us within the blessed order established after the long, hard-won Liberation. They teach us with righteous words and show us the way through this evil world that exists in tension of oppositional forces that must ever be kept separate. Evil is always ready to assail the good by seeking ingress to the minds of Men and (wo)Men through our ears and eyes and mouths and very skins created by GodFather (BBHCM) to seal us off from the world’s profanity. Oh, the evil ones have soft phrases and pretty images to seduce us. The sensuous touch of the light-fingered breeze who cools the sweat risen to the skin from righteous labour, and she says, Only rest awhile – such temptations are sent to test us, and must be resisted. Or the wicked magic of the twilight, arousing the passive air as if it were the exposed skin of a virgin, but then comes the inevitable setting of the sun, filling the sky with blood. Our Properganders are our guides through this world of art and pain, yearning and duty, and they maintain harmonious relations between the Houses for they are the safeguards of Civilisation itself.

The week before had been our birthday. Mother Oblation 7th came into our cunnydorm to wake all the new Oblation Fifteens of Stone House: Anapaite, Antimony, Galena, Nickeline, Opal, Pearl and me. All of our stone names have meanings. Like my name, Mica, which means ‘crumb’. So there stood MaOblat at the door on the first day of my life as a (wo)Man. The light from the kitchen haloed the frizz of hair escaping her cap so that it shone brightly. The smell of nutmeg from the kitchen was making my belly rumble and my mouth water. MaOblat’s face had on its usual look that Pearl calls ‘poo-jammed’, and it is true that while MaOblat might want to be pleasant, her feelings are all blocked up behind a plug of hard scale. Of course I never let Pearl know I agreed with her about that because she did not need any encouragement in her irreverence. I have a duty to my friend and I have kept her safe so far – or so I thought last week.

‘Fifteens,’ said MaOblat from the doorway, ‘As you know, today is your Day of Attainment. The Plea Box on the Altar awaits. You may Beseech. Then cake.’ She had forgotten to detach her electric whisk-aug from her right wrist-branch with its multi-purpose connectors. Cake mix dripped onto the floor while the safety light flickered through the thin weave of her crone’s opaque dressless. (It had only been last year that she’d finally given in to a decent matron’s garb – someone must have told her – at last – that it was simply not enough just to have her fat surgically removed and redistributed and her pendulous labia tightened to disguise the ravages of age, thank GodFather, Blessed Be His Cock-and-Muscle!) I wrapped my arms around my body and hugged myself against the cold of the morning, perhaps for the last time. By this time next month, GodFather willing (BBHCM, alive-alive-oh-oh ever amen), I might well be Perfected, inshallaweh, or at least augmented like the mothers and the soldiers. I felt nervousness and pride uncoiling below my heart and spreading like tentacles of hot magnesium wire through my body from heart to cockslot.

But Pearl wasn’t having any of that. ‘How festive,’ she murmured quietly to me so that no-one else could hear. ‘Maybe she’ll let us watch a bit of telly with the careforcers later,’ she added, ‘even stay up for the Late News post-Anthem. Yay.’ Pearl has always been a sharp one, but this level of sarcasm was new.

Oh, I worry about Pearl, for she is the most porous of girlies, always listening and touching, always looking at everything around her, availing her senses to any assault, leaving herself open to the fleshly fallacy. Her eyes are bright with curiosity like the little cat we learned of so long ago when we had only been in the world four years, at Minus-Eleven from Attainment. We had this story from Bobander A/P, child-instructor of the Propergandery of Art & Pain, a most edifying tale about the little cat who poked her inquisitive nose into cupboards and behind doors … ‘Until the day came,’ said Bobander, ‘the day came when she learned her lesson, oh yes.’ He smiled upon us benignly, so that we knew that he loved us. And the brightest of us thought hard about which lesson of all the many lessons this one would be. We were on the edges of our seats.

‘It was a day of filthy rain like Satan’s buckshot, rain that rattled the skulls of the fledglings in the trees, braining them! Braining them so that they fell down; they fell down dead!’

‘Ah …’ we said with one voice, awed and terrified as we watched with our minds’ eyes the falling chicks.

‘They fell down hard, their little corpses dropping from their nests like cherry stones spat from the pursed lips of devils’ imps …’ He paused, seeing our eyes wide with horror at the devils’ imps, and also with a terrible guilty wanting-to-know, for Bobander was a wise one; he tempted us to the brink of sin then drew us back with a lesson … oh, he was good. ‘On this day, the little cat watched and watched the rain and thought and thought her kitty-thoughts when she should have been … when she should have been what, girlies?’

The quickest got our hands up so fast it was as if we punched holes in the air in our keenness to show our knowledge. I remember he chose Anapaite. I remember because I was envious and I was frightened of my feeling because only the week before we had learned about GodFather’s preferred punishment for the envious. So I tried hard not to mind. Oh, no-one was better than her at repeating back the semenal texts of the Holy Strictures word for word, or at adapting the lyrical phrases and gentle rhythms of the Doppelbook into daily life. And not only that, but Ana was fast. ‘Working, sir,’ she said. ‘That little kitty should have been working!’ I was relieved for so clever-clever Ana had got only half the answer! I had my chance to shine brightly in the eyes of lovely Bobander, so quick as a shot I had my hand up in the air again. He nodded towards me and I was so honoured and nervous I almost forgot my answer. Almost, but not quite: ‘And praying,’ I said, ‘She should have been praying very hard in silence as she worked!’ He smiled on me and I felt warm from head to toe. Then he said to us all, ‘Good girlies. Yes. Praying and working with all the other little kittens of the House. But no! Not this little kitten! This little kitten was watching and prowling and thinking about pretty-this and funny-that and when will I have my dab of cream to lick off my whiskers?’ Here Bobander did a very funny impression of the kitten looking sharply left and right, then licking lap-lap-lap so quick and kitteny we all laughed aloud.

His gaze became stern because some of us had giggled overlong, and the end of the story was coming, and he needed our full attention. ‘And then, GodFather’s (BBHCM) Angel of Righteousness descended upon her!’ Bobander acted out the shock of the Curious Kitty with wide eyes and stiff hands held up in front of his face, like a creature blinded with fright. ‘The Angel descended upon her and he slit her gut from throat to arsehole!’ Slash-slash went Bobander’s hands. ‘And the Angel spread her innards out for her old enemy the Rat to take to feed to his children, for this is the punishment for the curious.’ And the girls who had laughed too long looked down at their shoes in shame and fear. ‘This,’ he said solemnly, ‘is the fate of those curious girlies so taken with pretty and funny, with this and that, that and this, that they fail in their duty.’

There were other cat stories too that Bobander invented for us and told as we gathered around the heater with its friendly stink of kerosene, and the raindrops marking their paths down the window, so cosy inside. After a while there were so many cat stories we came to call them the Naughty Kitty Tales: Cheeky and Saucy, Wayward and Waggish were my favourites. He was a great orator, so good that some girls had bad dreams after his stories. They tried to hide it, but we others heard them weeping or crying out in their beds. Especially Nickeline. She was the most soft-headed of all the stupidest girlies in Oblation. In the morning we dutifully reported her and she was punished in Supervised Peer Slapping and Kicking so that she would remember with her body if her mind was too flighty to retain the lesson. We were so well taught by Bobander that after he was taken by death a memorial to Truth was erected in his honour at the South Gate which we all visit each Sorrow and Penitence month.

I know I should not waste my energies on concern for Pearl, for my duty lies with the work I do in the gardens, with my training with the girlie-guards, and the prayers I must repeat silently always to keep distractions of the world and the mind at bay that I may one day be worthy to perform the act of sacrifice, that is, to make sacred my own life. But I love Pearl dearly. We are different: I am careful; she is not. I am pious; she lacks a natural impulse towards devotion. But I can help her for she is the sister of my soul.

I remember saying to her then, as our House mother stood in the doorway dripping cake mix onto the floor of highly polished concrete, buffed daily to a high gloss by careforcers, ‘Pearl, hush. MaOblat is a woman of virtue, our guide and mother.’ Pearl rolled her eyes at me and gave me a quick kiss, flicking my ear with the tip of her tongue. ‘Behave!’ I hissed. And ducked my head so that she would not see my smile. Just a small smile. I could not help it.

We knew what to do. We had watched Fifteens’ processions since the age of Minus-Ten from Attainment, which is when girlies become more or less sentient. We took off the sleeping-dresslesses we wore at night to keep us warm, drew our masks down over our faces, put on our high heels and tightly knotted broad-belts, and in the pure state of available nakedness made our way through the mild drizzle, two by two across the yard in a crocodile towards the sealed Orchid Nursery and the altar with its Plea Box, to Beseech. I could feel the heat of the boys’ and Men’s scrutiny of my body from the males’ apartments that surrounded our corp-yard, for I had learned my lessons in Attracting the Gaze and I felt so proud of my power to draw their eyes to my form. Pride again, I said to myself. Remember who you are: a palliation vehicle for the desire of Men, and if you are very, very lucky, in due course a vessel for a Seed-Bearer, a womanidol. You have a function to fulfill. No more or less. But then, I found even that made my heart swell … with pride.