Читать книгу ‘It’s OK, I’m wearing really big knickers!’ - Louise Rennison - Страница 13

When the doorbell rang I shot out of bed and looked down the stairs. Mum had opened the door wearing a nightdress that you could quite easily see through! Even if you didn’t want to. Which I didn’t. She has no pride. There were a couple of policemen standing at the door. The bigger one was holding a sack up in front of him at arm’s length and his trousers were shredded round the ankles.

“Is this your bloody cat?” he enquired, not very politely for a public servant.

Mum said, “Well, I…er.”

I ran down the stairs and went to the door.

“Good evening, constable. This cat, is it about the size of a small Labrador?”

He said, “Yes.”

I nodded encouragingly and went on. “And has it got tabby fur and a bit of its ear missing?”

PC Plod said, “Er…yes.”

And I said, “No, it’s not him then, sorry.”

Which I thought was very funny indeed. The policeman didn’t.

“This is a serious business, young lady.”

Mum was doing her tutting thing again, and combining it with head shaking and basooma adjusting. Deeply unattractive. I thought the policeman might be distracted by her and say, “Go and put some clothes on, madam,” but he didn’t, he just kept going on at me.

“This thing has had your neighbours penned up in their greenhouse for an hour. They managed to dash into the house eventually but then it rounded up their poodles.”

“Yes, he does that. He is half Scottish wildcat. He hears the call of the wilds sometimes and then he…”

“You should keep better control of it.”

He went moaning on in a police many way for hours and hours. I said, as patiently as I could, although I had enough things to think about as it was, “Look, I’m being made to go to Whangamata by my parents. It is at the other, more useless, side of the universe. It is in New Zealand. Have you seen Neighbours? Is there nothing you can do for me?”

My mum gave me her worst look and said, “Don’t start, Georgia, I’m not in the mood.”

The policeman didn’t seem “in the mood” either. He said, “This is a serious warning. You keep this thing under control otherwise we will be forced to take sterner measures.”

Mum was hopeless as per usual. She started smiling and fiddling with her hair.

“I’m really sorry to have troubled you, inspector. Would you like to come in and have a nightcap or something?”

It was so EMBARRASSING. He probably thought we ran a brothel in our spare time. The “inspector” was all smiling and he said, “That’s very kind of you, madam, but we have to get on. Protecting the public from vicious criminals, dangerous moggies, and so on.”

I didn’t say anything as I took the wiggling sack, I just looked ironically at his chewed trousers.

Mum went BERSERK about Angus. She said, “He’ll have to go.”

I said, “Oh yes, perfect, just take everything that I love and destroy it. Just think of your own self and make me go halfway round the universe and lose the only boy I love. You can’t just leave Sex Gods, you know, they have to be kept under constant surveillance and…”

She had gone into her bedroom.

Angus strolled out of the bag and strutted around the kitchen looking for a snack. He was purring like two tanks. Libby wandered in all sleepy with her blankin’. Her night-time nappy was bulging round her knees. The last thing I needed was a poo explosion at this time of night so I said, “Go tell Mummy about your pooey nap-naps, Libby.”

But she just said, “Shhh, bad boy,” and went over to Angus. She kissed him on the nose and then sucked it before she dragged him off to bed.

I don’t know why he lets her do anything she likes with him. He almost had my hand off the other day when I tried to take his plate away and he hadn’t quite finished.