Читать книгу ‘Dancing in my nuddy-pants!’ - Louise Rennison - Страница 45

Ellen said, “It was a groovy fish party, wasn’t it?”

Rosie said, “Magnifique. I found bits of fishfinger everywhere, though. Sven got a bit carried away.”

I said, “He should be.”

Jas said to Ellen, “What happened at the end? With you and Dave the Laugh, you know, when he walked you home?”

Ellen went all red and girlish. “Oh, you know.”

I was prepared to leave it at that, but not old Nosey Knickers. She rambled on. “Did you and Dave the Laugh…do anything?”

Ellen shifted around on the knicker toasting-rack (radiator) and said, “Well…”

I said, “Look, if Ellen wants to have some personal space, well…”

But Ellen was keen as le moutarde (keener) to talk about my dumpee. “He did, er, walk me home and…”

The Ace Gang were all agog as two gogs, apart from me. I was ungogged. In fact, I was doing my impression of a cucumber (and no, I do not mean I was lying on some salad…I mean I was being cool).

They all said, “Yes…AND???”

“Well, he, you know, well he, well…”

God’s shortie pyjamas, I was going to be a hundred and fifty at this rate.

Ellen went red and started playing with her piggies (very annoying) and went on. “It was cool, actually. We got, well, we sort of got to Number Three and a bit.”

What is “sort of Number Three and a bit” on the snogging scale? Perhaps I should “sort of” give her a good slapping to make her talk some sense. But no, no, no, why did I care? I was a mirage of glaciosity.

As the bell went for resumption of abnormal cruelty (maths), Ellen said to me, “Dave does this really groovy thing, it’s like, er…lip nibbling.”

He had nip libbled with her!! The bloody snake in the tight blue jeans had nip libbled her. How dare he??

Ellen was rambling on. “We should add lip nibbling to our snogging scale.”

Jas said, “We already have, it’s Six and a Quarter.”

Ellen said to Jas, “Oh, have you done lip nibbling, then? With Tom?”

Jas went off into the dreamworld that she calls her brain. “No, because Tom really respects me and knows that I want to be a prefect, but Georgia has done it. And she’s done ear snogging.”

Then they all started. “Is that what the Sex God does?” “Does it make you go deaf?” and so on. Triple merde.

As we went into maths, Ellen said, “You know when we played that game and you were supposed to snog Dave, well…did you?”

I went, “Hahahahahahahahahahaha.” Like a hyena in a skirt. And that seemed to satisfy her.

Once again I am in a state of confusiosity. In fact, I can feel my bottom throbbing again when I get a picture of Dave the Laugh nibbling my lips.

And now Ellen’s.

He is a serial nip libbler. I am better off without him.