Читать книгу Raw: The diary of an anorexic - Lydia Davies - Страница 7

It was on the nineteenth of October 2011 that I received a letter from my mother via email, which cut through my heart like a knife. My stomach dropped and I burst into tears as I read it. I had been completely emotionless and glassy-eyed for some time up until this point.

A letter from my mum

Dear Lydia,

From the moment you were born I loved you with all my heart and that love has only deepened with time. You are beautiful, smart, funny, kind, loyal, caring … (and many more good things). You have so much going for you: loyal friends who love you, a lovely boyfriend, a family who loves you (you mean the world to all of us). You have a great living situation this year and you seem to be getting stuck into work in a more positive way than last year or the year before. It is lovely hearing you sound positive and excited about the future, thinking of Paris, styling, travelling, etc.

You were brave in seeking help for feelings of depression in the summer and while the positive effects of the treatment are clear to see, it will be natural to have ups and downs – everyone does; but keeping on with the counselling will, as you know, help you to deal with negative thoughts.

I have written hundreds of letters to you in my head when I can’t sleep for worrying about you, and I thought that I would try to write some of my worries down, because I can’t store all this up in my head for much longer.

Although you seem to be feeling a bit happier, you are continuing to get thinner and thinner. Everyone can see that you have an eating disorder and that you need help to get better – except you can’t see it. It is not your fault and you probably can’t help it – that is what this illness is like. If you can’t see how frighteningly thin you have become, then think about how you feel. Cold? Tired? Aching body? Low energy? etc. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? You don’t have to. This flu and its complications are not surprising. Your defences will not be able to fight off germs as your immune system has been compromised. You used to read a lot of stuff about illnesses that you thought you might have. Well, now that you have this, I wonder if you have looked up any information about it. There are some useful websites, e.g.

- b-eat.co.uk

- ABC anorexiabulimiacare.org.uk

- Supportline.org.uk/problems/anorexia.php

Effects of a starvation diet:

I think you already know some of the long-term effects, e.g.

- Body metabolizes/eats its own muscle to stay alive (this is happening to you now).

- Can lead to heart disease or even heart attack.

- Osteoporosis/bone-wasting disease – all the minerals are leached out of your bones, causing them to become brittle and fragile and break easily. Also, you shrink and I can see that your posture has changed; you have become hunched. If this is left to continue, your body will sadly become more like that of a frail 90-year-old woman than a 20-year-old.

- Loss of periods/fertility – if not corrected early enough, you may never know the joy of creating a family with someone you love. This would be so sad.

- Dry skin, pale yellowy complexion, dry brittle hair which then starts to fall out, fine downy hair growing on the face and body … the list goes on …

If left untreated you will get worse and worse until you are hospitalised. I don’t want that and I’m sure you don’t either.

The thing is, Lydia, that you can choose to continue along this path or to turn things around and to get better. I know it must seem a very hard step to take – to firstly admit that you have a problem and then to say that you want to get better (to someone, anyone, a doctor?). There is lots of help out there but you need to want it. You are a strong person and I hope and pray that you will have the courage to seek this help ASAP and to take control in turning your life around for the better. It won’t be easy (the hardest thing will be the first step) but you will have us all and your friends to support you. Everybody wants you to get better. The sooner proper professional treatment begins, the better the outcome.

Please, please, please, I beg you (we all do), please want to get better.

I will always love you,

Mum xoxoxox

I discovered that a housemate across the hall from me had electronic scales in her bedroom. I had never owned scales – my mother believed it could be unhealthy (as it is just a number, which is irrelevant). This machine fascinated me. When everyone was out of the house I found myself sneaking into her room more and more frequently to step on this incredible glass square. It started out as once a week, or every few days, out of curiosity. This quickly turned into me darting in and out just to see what number it would read at every opportunity I got. I was addicted to seeing the numbers drop. If they had not dropped or had gone up by even a quarter of a pound I would burst into tears, try to be sick or do some star jumps, and then consult the scales again literally half an hour later, praying that they would have gone down. I remember getting below the 7-stone mark and feeling absolutely triumphant. I had never in my life felt more proud of myself than I did then. The last time I had weighed myself properly was years before, and I had been 9 stone plus. I was absolutely buzzing, and determined to get my weight down further and further.