Читать книгу Hollywood Hills Collection - Lynne Marshall, Amalie Berlin - Страница 38
ОглавлениеABI WAS AFRAID of lots of things. Of getting hurt. Of getting involved. Of jumping in before she’d tested the water. But she couldn’t tell Damien that.
Ironic, considering all the things she’d told him last night, but in the reality of the morning she was embarrassed about confiding in him. She wished she hadn’t said anything but she couldn’t take it back now.
Her psychologist had been encouraging her to talk to others about her experiences and feelings but Abi had no one to confide in. She had no one to spend time with, no family and no friends, she had lost touch with any friends who were not in the army and in the wake of Mark’s death she certainly didn’t want to spend time with army acquaintances. Which left her with no one.
She had to admit that it had been a relief of sorts to talk to Damien about her experience but she wasn’t quite sure what had prompted her to do so. Had he caught her at a moment of weakness when she hadn’t been thinking straight, or had she downloaded because she felt safe?
She’d been thrown by the break-in and then by being in a strange bed. Her nightmare had unsettled her further, as had waking up in Damien’s arms. At first she’d thought she was dreaming but that dream had been much nicer than her recurring nightmare.
Abi wondered what it meant that she had been prepared to tell him about her experience, about the circumstances of Mark’s death, but that she still hadn’t told him everything. She hadn’t told him she and Mark had been lovers and she knew it was because she didn’t want him to think badly of her. Neither did she want him to see her as someone who had affairs with married men, even though she hadn’t known that Mark had been married until he’d died. She’d known he’d had two daughters but he’d told her he was divorced. It had only been at his funeral that she’d discovered he’d lied to her. But would Damien think that was a suitable defence? She hadn’t known Mark was married but she still felt guilty and she wasn’t prepared to expose herself to Damien in case he judged her. Why did his opinion matter so much? Why had she confided in him?
Could she behave as if nothing had happened?
She’d have to, she thought as he came back into the room.
He had showered and was dressed in jeans and a T-shirt, and he held a cup of coffee in one hand and a pile of clothes in the other.
He passed her the coffee and put the clothes on the end of the bed. ‘You didn’t bring any clothes with you and I wasn’t sure if you wanted to eat breakfast in your evening gown. You might be more comfortable in something from this pile.’
‘Thank you,’ she said, as she surveyed the pile. He’d brought a pair of his track pants with a drawstring waist, an old university sweater and a white towelling dressing gown. Everything would be miles too big for her, except maybe the dressing gown. She wondered who it belonged to but wasn’t about to ask.
* * *
The bedroom door opened and Summer wandered in, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. ‘Good morning, sunshine,’ Damien greeted her, but she wasn’t interested in her father. She only had eyes for Abi.
‘Abi? Why are you in my bed?’
Abi hadn’t given any thought to what they would tell Summer but fortunately Damien had an answer ready.
‘Abi’s house was damaged.’
‘How?’
‘A raccoon got inside and broke a window.’
Abi choked back a laugh. She was pleased Damien hadn’t told Summer the real story—that wasn’t something a five-year-old needed to hear—but she hadn’t expected him to be quite so elaborate with his storytelling. ‘I was worried about the rain getting in so Abi stayed here.’
Summer happily accepted Damien’s embellishment of the truth. Abi guessed at her age she still believed in fairytales and Damien’s tale was almost believable.
‘Okay, let’s give Abi some privacy. You can come and help me make the pancakes.’ He turned to Abi. ‘That’s our Sunday morning tradition. Why don’t you get dressed and join us?’
* * *
Abi showered and wrapped the dressing gown around herself. She had debated wearing Damien’s clothes, but despite the fact that she’d worn his T-shirt last night—she’d been too distressed to think clearly then—now that she’d calmed down she decided it would have felt odd to step into Damien’s clothes. It would feel far too intimate.
More intimate than sharing a bed? she questioned herself. Under the circumstances, she decided it would.
She could smell pancakes. She belted the gown tightly at the waist and followed her nose. Summer was feeding Jonty a pancake when she wandered into the kitchen. She checked Jonty’s paw, relieved to find that he didn’t appear to be suffering any after-effects from the glass fragment getting stuck in his foot, nothing that a pancake breakfast wouldn’t fix anyway.
Damien had another coffee waiting for her on the kitchen bench, plus juice, maple syrup for the pancakes and a bowl of oranges. He had a tea towel tucked into the back pocket of his jeans and he looked at home in the kitchen. Abi was a terrible cook. She didn’t have a big appetite and there was no point cooking for one, and in the army she’d always had meals prepared for her so there had been no need to learn. She could get used to having Damien cook for her but she kept that thought to herself.
She was on her second pancake—they were delicious, light and fluffy—and for some reason this morning her appetite was flourishing, when Damien spoke to Summer.
‘Okay, sunshine, what would you like to do today?’ Summer had finished her breakfast and had a computer tablet booted up on the kitchen bench. ‘Have you checked the weather?’ Damien asked as she swiped her finger across the screen. ‘Is there any rain?’
‘Nope.’
‘Outdoors, then.’
‘Can Abi choose?’
‘Choose what?’ Abi asked.
‘Sunday is our day to explore LA,’ Damien told her. ‘Summer usually chooses the activity and I’ll work out where we can go.’
‘You could choose somewhere, Abi, and then you could come with us,’ Summer added.
‘I’m not really dressed for a day out. I need to go home and make arrangements to fix the “raccoon” damage.’ She made her excuses, sure Damien didn’t need or want her tagging along with them. This sounded like father-daughter time that she didn’t need to intrude into.
‘You could borrow my mum’s clothes.’ Summer’s statement was very matter-of-fact, as if she saw nothing unusual in other women helping themselves to her mother’s wardrobe.
‘Your mum’s clothes?’
Summer was nodding. ‘She has heaps of clothes.’
‘Summer, why don’t you take Jonty out into the garden for a minute?’ Damien suggested. Had he noticed Abi’s expression?
She waited until Summer left the room before asking the question. ‘I was under the impression that you and Summer’s mother weren’t together?’
‘We’re not.’
‘But her things are here?’
‘Some of her things.’
Did that mean she was still here or did she come and go as she pleased? What if she arrived now and found Abi sitting at her kitchen bench? Abi had assumed from Damien’s comments that he was single but had she chosen to believe that? Wanted to believe that? Had he encouraged her to think that?
‘Whose robe am I wearing?’
‘Not hers.’
She didn’t want to ask the next question. If it wasn’t Brooke’s, who did it belong too? She didn’t want to know. She had already been told more than she wanted to hear.
‘Does she still have a key?’
‘Yes.’
‘How could you bring me here if she still has access? What if she walks in?’ Even though nothing had happened between them Abi felt completely stupid. She should have stuck to her guns, not just fallen in with Damien’s wishes. Why hadn’t she resisted him? What had happened to the Abi who’d used to be so independent minded and strong? Since Afghanistan it seemed as if her reason and logic had deserted her. Had Mark’s lies and deceit shaken her confidence so much that now she didn’t trust herself to make good choices? Was she so eager for company, so lonely that she would forsake her principles and blindly follow where someone else led?
She needed to consider her motives. Why had she agreed to come home with him? Was it because she hadn’t felt safe to stay home alone or was it because she found him attractive? Had she been thinking with her hormones or her head? She couldn’t afford to think with her hormones. Danger lay down that path. It had got her into trouble before. She needed to be calm, methodical, rational. She needed to make measured decisions and sound judgements. She couldn’t jump into something without consideration of her own motives or his. She didn’t want to get into the middle of something.
‘Abi, Brooke is in New York, she’s not about to walk in and find you here, and this isn’t her house anymore. She doesn’t live here.’ His voice was calm and patient. ‘She’s just storing some of her stuff here. She has far too many clothes and hasn’t been able to take them all with her. They’re in the spare room. She’s my ex-wife, we’re divorced. What I do is none of her business as long as it’s not hurting Summer.’
‘Well, I’m still not wearing her clothes.’
‘Fair enough. I didn’t suggest that you should.’
He was right. It had been Summer’s suggestion. She had bitten his head off for no reason. But was it for no reason? She only had his word for what the situation was. How did she know he was telling the truth? She didn’t have a good track record when it came to picking trustworthy men. Once again, this could just be a case of a man telling her what he thought she wanted to hear.
She wasn’t sure but did it matter?
It shouldn’t matter to her what the situation was between Damien and his ex-wife. She hadn’t done anything to regret yet but she wouldn’t apologise, just in case. And she wouldn’t spend the day with them. It would be best if she put some distance between her and them. She couldn’t afford to get involved.
She took her empty plate to the sink. ‘I’ll call a cab,’ she said. ‘I need to go home.’
‘I’ll take you. It’s only two blocks. Summer and I can wait for you to get changed and then you’re welcome to spend the day with us if you’d like to.’
‘No, I can’t. I really do need to go home and organise to get my windows fixed.’
‘I’ll take care of that,’ he offered. ‘I’d like your company.’
Abi hesitated.
‘Say yes because if you don’t you can tell Summer why you’re not joining us,’ Damien added as his daughter opened the back door to step inside.
‘What are we going to do?’ Summer asked.
Abi looked at Damien. She could see the challenge in his eyes, daring her to join them. But she didn’t know if she could.
‘You get to choose where we go,’ he told her, and his voice was quiet, reassuring. ‘You can choose somewhere you’ll feel comfortable.’
Could she do this?
She realised with surprise that she wanted to. What was the harm in making a spontaneous decision? She used to do that all the time but since Mark’s death she’d felt constrained by her fear. She had to remember that bad things didn’t always happen, things didn’t always go wrong. But where should they go?
Somewhere outside, she thought. Being winter, an outside venue was unlikely to be crowded, especially if they went early. ‘Maybe we could walk to the Santa Monica Pier,’ she suggested.
‘Walk to the pier? Nobody walks in LA,’ Damien teased.
Abi relaxed as Damien messed about. It felt good not to over think things for a change, not to worry about every decision. She took a deep breath; she could do this.
‘The exercise will do us good,’ she said, hoping that Damien didn’t suggest that she walk and he’d meet her there. She really didn’t want to walk to the pier on her own. She had set walks that she took Jonty on, streets she knew, past houses she was familiar with. And she didn’t want to walk to the pier without Damien. He made her feel safe. She was pretty sure that Summer would choose to go with Jonty, which meant that Damien would choose to go with Summer. At least, she hoped she would.
‘Can I hold Jonty’s lead?’ Summer asked.
‘Of course.’
Abi smiled at Damien, pleased to get her own way, and he laughed. ‘Why did I bother arguing against two women?’
‘We’ll compromise,’ Abi said. ‘Let’s drive down past the Beach House and walk half the distance to the pier. That’s only about a mile each way.’
Damien and Summer drove Abi home and while he waited for her to change he organised a glazier to do the repair work later in the day. Abi was used to managing on her own but she had to admit she liked the feeling of having someone else to look out for her. She didn’t feel as if she’d been doing such a great job of taking care of herself of late.
Damien drove them to the Annenberg Beach House, where they piled out of the car to walk to the pier. Summer walked next to Abi, holding Jonty’s lead with one hand and Abi’s hand with the other. Her hand was tiny and warm and Abi could feel herself becoming more enthralled with Summer and the idea of motherhood. That was something she’d always had mixed feelings about because of her own childhood. She wasn’t sure if she had the right genetic make-up for parenthood. Both of her parents were screw-ups and while she would love a chance to have a family of her own, one that wouldn’t leave her, she had always had a fear that maybe she wouldn’t cope either, just like her parents hadn’t. But Summer was gorgeous and Abi could feel a tug on her heartstrings as the little girl skipped along beside her, keeping up a one-way conversation with Jonty.
Even walking at the pace of a five-year-old and with a dog who liked to stop and sniff everything in his path, they still made it to the pier just as it opened, which meant, to Abi’s relief, that they had beaten the crowds.
‘Where to first?’ Damien asked.
‘The carousel,’ Summer shouted.
The carousel was indoors and as they entered the building Abi immediately scoped out all the exits. It was a habit she had formed in the past six months. She needed to know the quickest way out of a building or a potentially dangerous situation. Summer hopped up onto one of the carousel horses as Abi got her bearings then chose to sit in the sleigh, which allowed Jonty to come onto the carousel with her but it also left room for Damien.
He sat beside her as that position allowed him to keep an eye on Summer. The sleigh was narrow, the seat just big enough for two. Jonty sat at Abi’s feet but Abi was aware of Damien’s thigh pressing against hers, the heat radiating from his body burning through her exercise pants.
Going on the carousel had been a mistake. Not only did it put her too close to Damien but the high sides and back restricted her view. As the music began to play Abi could feel her anxiety level building. She felt hemmed in, trapped, and as the carousel started to turn, panic really set in. She was losing sight of the exits, her sense of direction was being compromised by the rotation of the carousel, and the noise and repetition of the music was making it hard to concentrate. She reached down to stroke Jonty’s coat as she tried to calm herself. Her eyes darted back and forth as she tried to keep an exit in sight. Her breaths were becoming more rapid; she could hear herself panting.
‘Are you okay?’ Damien asked, but Abi couldn’t answer. She opened her mouth but she couldn’t form the words. She didn’t know the answer.
‘You’ll be all right,’ he said, putting his hand on her knee. ‘You’re safe.’
But Abi knew that wasn’t necessarily true. Bad things could and did happen unexpectedly, despite what she’d told herself earlier.
Damien lifted his hand from her leg and covered her hand with his. ‘Focus on me,’ he said, but now all she could think about was the sensation of her hand in his. Perhaps that was his point. She looked down, focusing on their fingers and the way his had wrapped around hers. His hand warmed hers and distracted her.
‘Look at me,’ he told her, and she lifted her eyes.
She looked into his eyes. They were dark and intense and everything around her blurred and disappeared until all that was left was Damien. The building and the ride merged into blank surroundings, indistinguishable from each other. Even the carousel music seemed muted. Only Damien was in sharp relief.
‘I’ll keep you safe. Trust me,’ he said. ‘Do you trust me?’
She wanted to trust him but she’d been let down too many times in the past. ‘I have trouble with trust.’
‘The ride is nearly over.’ His voice was quiet and sure. ‘You’re okay. You’re safe.’
The ride slowed and the music ceased and the building came back into focus. Abi looked around. She was safe, she could see no immediate threats, but she needed to get outside; needed to escape these four walls. She stood up, eager to get off the carousel. Her legs were shaky but Damien kept hold of her hand, steadying her.
Summer was already down off her horse. ‘Can I have another turn?’ she asked, but Abi barely heard her.
‘Not right now.’
Abi was itching to make a run for it but Damien hadn’t let go of her hand. She tried taking some deep breaths, focusing on the connection with Damien. Letting his strength anchor her, allowing him to stop her from taking flight. She had Jonty’s lead in one hand, Damien in the other. She should be okay.
‘But I want to ride on the bunny rabbit,’ Summer insisted.
‘Jonty needs some fresh air,’ Damien told her, and that was the end of the discussion. Summer didn’t bother to argue further. At the moment, whatever Jonty needed he got. He was Summer’s number-one priority. Abi forced her legs to move towards the exit as she wondered if she should suggest that Damien get Summer a dog of her own. It would be good company for her if she was destined to be an only child. Abi knew how much Jonty’s company had come to mean to her and she could imagine how much she would have loved a dog growing up. She saw a lot of similarities between her own childhood and Summer’s situation, though with one big difference. Summer had a father who adored her but that didn’t necessarily mean he had the time to devote to her. A dog would be a distraction, a responsibility and a companion for her.
Summer skipped ahead of them and if she noticed Damien and Abi holding hands she didn’t comment. Abi pulled her hand from Damien’s as they followed Summer outside. As nice as it felt, it also made her feel uncomfortable.
Summer was heading towards the Beach Bounce, a trampoline and bungee harness contraption that allowed children, or adults, to jump and twist and turn without the danger of falling. ‘What about this?’ she asked. ‘Can I try it?’
Damien turned to Abi. ‘Will you be okay here?’ he asked.
Abi needed to be where she could keep an eye on the situation, where she would be able to see what was coming her way. The Beach Bounce was on the edge of the pier. She could stand on the far side of the trampoline so that her back was to the water as she faced the pier. No one could come up behind her. She nodded and made her way around the trampoline.
Damien paid for Summer’s ticket, put her into the queue and then came to stand with Abi.
‘Shouldn’t you wait with Summer?’ Abi asked. Her anxiety was still in hyper-drive.
‘I can watch her from here. It will be her turn in a few minutes.’
Abi kept her back to the water and let her eyes roam over the pier. Jonty sat on her right and Damien stood to her left. He was turned slightly sideways, shielding her a little, his posture protective, and she felt quite safe.
‘She hasn’t been on this before?’ Abi asked as she watched Summer, who had been strapped into the harness and was now turning somersaults and bouncing higher and higher as her confidence built.
‘No. I don’t remember this being here last time we came to the pier or perhaps she was too small. Lots of the rides have a height restriction.’
‘Why are you spending your Sundays out exploring LA?’ she asked.
‘I’m from San Francisco originally but we moved here two years ago. Brooke pushed for the move to further her career. I admit I resisted the idea but when it became clear that she would go with or without me I realised I had to move, for Summer’s sake.’
So he had moved for his family, for Brooke, and now she had taken off again, this time to New York. Abi wondered whether he would follow Brooke again, for Summer’s sake. She would do well to remember that he was a man who came with baggage.
‘Do you miss San Francisco?’
Damien nodded. ‘I do. It’s taken me a while to feel like I belong here, I’m still not sure that I do. I love working at The Hills but LA is a completely different type of city and we’re still finding our feet. What about you? Where did you grow up?’
‘Here.’
‘Here? You’re a native?’
‘We do exist, you know.’
‘I know, it’s just that almost everyone I’ve met has moved here from somewhere else.’
‘That’s the movie business, no doubt.’
‘I guess so. So you’d be the perfect tour guide for me and Summer, then. You could show us all your favourite childhood haunts.’
‘I think my childhood might have been different from the one you’re imagining. It would certainly be different from the one you’d be dreaming of for Summer.’
‘What do you mean by that?’
Abi wasn’t sure how to answer. She found it odd that Damien wanted to know about her. She wasn’t used to talking about herself—in fact, she usually tried to avoid it unless it was in a controlled environment, like with her therapist.
‘I didn’t have the idyllic childhood you might be picturing. I never knew my father, he abandoned us shortly after I was born, and my mother...’ Abi paused. Even after thirty years she always hesitated when it came to describing her mother. She’d loved Abi in the best way she’d known how but she’d suffered from depression, which had manifested into substance abuse, mostly alcohol, and there had been plenty of times when Abi had just had to manage as best she could. Despite Summer’s mother’s failing in the child-raising department, she doubted it would match those of her own mother. ‘Let’s say she struggled to cope with raising me on her own. We didn’t spend weekends at the pier or at theme parks.’ Abi had spent a lot of her childhood alone.
‘Is your mum still in LA?’
Abi shook her head. ‘She’s dead.’
‘I’m sorry. Was it recent?’
‘No. She died in a car accident just after I turned eighteen.’ Abi had been alone for almost half her life. Long enough to be used to it, and to know she didn’t like it, but not long enough to get over the guilt.
She had left home at seventeen to join the army. She’d been unable to continue to live with her mother, she couldn’t be responsible for her any more, but she had always blamed herself a bit for the accident. She wondered if it would have made a difference if she hadn’t left but she’d known she’d had to get away. Her home life had been toxic. She had never known whether her mother had suffered from depression before her father had left them. She could have had post-natal depression which had perhaps been exacerbated by Abi’s father’s abandonment, but, whatever the cause or the reason, her mother had turned to alcohol as her crutch and one day she had crashed her car into a tree. Abi had wondered if it had been suicide but had never been sure. She’d just been so relieved that no one else had been hurt.
She still carried the guilt. For her mother’s death, among other things. Her therapist had told her time and again that she was not responsible for her mother’s accident or her father’s abandonment or Mark’s death, but Abi found it difficult to move on. She had carried so much guilt for so long that she didn’t know how to let it go.
Caroline had also told her she needed to talk about these things, that it didn’t help to bottle things up and let them fester. She had suggested that if she talked about them she took away the power they had to hurt her, that it would make the problems smaller, but Abi didn’t know how to do that.
Summer’s turn on the Beach Bounce finished and Abi was happy to let her take over the conversation and distract her from her thoughts by leading them around the pier. They followed her past numerous rides and sideshows before she stopped at the basketball hoops and insisted that Damien have a turn.
He shrugged out of his jacket and asked Abi to hold it for him. He slung it around her shoulders when she agreed. It was warm and comforting, a bit like being wrapped in his arms again. It felt safe.
Removing his jacket had left him standing before her in his shirtsleeves. His arms were muscular and he could pick up the basketball in one hand with his long fingers. She watched as he transferred the ball from his left hand to his right before throwing it. He was quick and accurate and it wasn’t until the game was finished that Abi realised she had forgotten to be nervous, she’d been too busy admiring Damien’s skill and physique.
He had scored enough points to win a soft toy for Summer and she chose a seahorse covered in pink and silver sequins layered like scales. Abi wasn’t certain that seahorses actually had scales but she supposed it didn’t matter—a soft toy didn’t need to be a perfect replica of the real thing. Come to think of it, seahorses probably weren’t pink and silver either. But not everything in the world had to be perfect. Sometimes it was okay to have some imagination and succumb to fantasies. Summer was reminding Abi of what it was like to be a child, to believe that good things could happen, how to have fun.
‘You have to have another turn, Daddy,’
‘I think one toy is enough, Summer, especially as I know I’ll end up carrying it and you.’
‘It’s not for me. Abi needs a toy too.’
Damien looked at Abi. ‘In that case...’ he said, and Abi felt warmth flow through her. To think he was doing this for her.
Summer wriggled her way between Abi and Jonty as Damien tossed balls through the hoop. Summer was rubbing Jonty’s head with one hand but Abi felt her other hand slide into her own as they watched. It was tiny and warm and the contact melted Abi’s heart.
‘What takes your fancy, ma’am?’ he asked as he turned around at the end of the game, victorious once more. He was smiling broadly and Abi sensed he was enjoying the day as much as she was. She was pretty sure she wasn’t projecting her feelings. This was the best day she’d had in a long time.
She smiled back, feeling relaxed. For a few minutes she’d forgotten to be self-conscious, forgotten to be nervous, forgotten to be worried. It felt good not to worry. She wasn’t over-thinking things, she wasn’t creating concerns. Despite the fact that the crowds were building up, her earlier nerves had eased. She felt safe with Damien. He seemed to have the ability to create a wall that surrounded the three of them and Jonty and didn’t allow the outside world to intrude.
‘Get the tiger,’ Summer instructed, before Abi could answer.
‘Why the tiger?’ Damien asked.
‘It’s got the same eyes as Abi.’
He looked back at Abi then asked to see the toy. He took the tiger with its amber glass eyes and held it beside Abi’s head, looking from the glass eyes into hers.
‘So it does,’ Damien agreed as he held her gaze, and Abi felt the rest of the world dissolve into a haze around her as his dark eyes looked deep inside her. Could he see her reaction? Could he see how happy she was? How confused?
She dropped her gaze and reached for the toy and tucked it under her arm. She couldn’t continue to stare at him, afraid she would say or do something she’d regret, like step forward to touch him.
‘Thank you,’ she said, but her words seemed inadequate to express her feelings. She would remember this day for ever and she knew that if she had nothing else, this tiger would always remind her of today. The first day in six months where she’d felt able to breathe, to relax, to forget her worries. It would remind her of the person she could be; it would inspire her to get over the past, to recover; and it would remind her of Damien and Summer long after they were gone from her life.
She couldn’t imagine being part of them for ever. They didn’t need her but she was starting to think she needed them. They were saving her, making her feel safe, whole and normal.
She was staring at him with her incredible amber eyes and he knew he would never forget this day.
‘It was my pleasure,’ he replied.
She was still wearing his jacket. It swamped her tiny frame and made her look vulnerable. She was beautiful but damaged and brought out all his protective instincts. She put out a distress call that he had to answer. He was a sucker for anyone who needed protection. Having someone to protect or care for, like his father had done for his mother, was what it was all about. It made him feel strong, valuable and worthy, and he liked those feelings. He liked feeling needed.
