Читать книгу The High Achiever's Guide - Maki Moussavi - Страница 10
ОглавлениеNow that we’ve established how good high achievers are at meeting the expectations of the world around them, it’s time to talk about the most damaging set of expectations you will ever be subjected to—those imposed upon you by participating in toxic relationships. You may be wondering why we need to talk about your relationships in the context of transforming your success mindset. It’s simple, really; try as you might, it’s impossible to compartmentalize your work life and your personal life. When something is amiss in one aspect of your life, it shows up in the other, whether you recognize it or not. As a high achiever, you’re accustomed to endurance, bearing pain and discomfort even when it doesn’t serve you. Interpersonal programming is just as critical to growth in all aspects of your life as all the external sources of programming we just covered. It’s easy to dismiss what’s happening in our relationships with others in our lives when we are focused on a single area like work. However, when toxicity is present, it is pervasive, infecting every aspect of how we think and operate. Toxicity can be obvious, but it can also fly under the radar, impacting you in a vague and disquieting way that you have a hard time articulating. You may be tempted to dismiss it because it’s hard to justify how you feel to others, or you may have a sense of shame for being in a toxic situation that you feel powerless to change. Whether you can put it into words or not, it’s having a profoundly negative impact on your life that must be addressed ASAP.
The interactions and experiences we have with those who have little to no regard for the people around them can cause us tremendous pain that inflicts long-lasting damage. It’s like a poison that you continue to breathe in as long as you tolerate interactions with people who do this to you. We may convince ourselves there is no other choice. What if the person poisoning your atmosphere is your boss, spouse, parent, friend, or child? The proximity of the relationship can lead to a sense of defeat before you’ve begun. How is it possible to change the dynamic that you’ve participated in so fully when you know the reaction of the person in question is what you want to avoid at all costs?
Not only is it possible, it’s absolutely necessary. No matter how much you accomplish in every single aspect of personal development, if you do not clean up the toxic leaks in your life, you will not make it as far as you want to go. Toxicity is the ultimate mind poison. It ruins your peace of mind, puts you on edge, makes you feel cornered, and steals any chance you have at joy. Worst of all, you participate in your own destruction when you allow it to go on unchecked.
If you are thinking, “I don’t have any toxic relationships in my life—I can skip this chapter!” you either a) are the luckiest son-of-a-gun ever or b) haven’t registered subtle behaviors as toxic. The easiest way to identify subtle toxicity is by considering your own emotional state. Look at the following list and determine whether you feel any of these in your current relationships: drained, depleted, cautious, avoidant, on edge, nervous, anxious, guilty, tense, etc. Interactions that arouse these feelings are highly likely to have a toxic component that you haven’t yet recognized. Pay special attention to your family relationships! Do not assume that everyone’s mother makes them feel the way yours does. When you grow up in dysfunction, it’s such an inherent part of your life that it normalizes your experiences and makes it harder to see that which signals a problem. Do not confuse toxicity with intention to harm. Toxicity is a mode of operation, a second-nature way of interacting with others that is not necessarily completely conscious. It’s ingrained. It’s how toxic people relate. If your recognition of toxicity is limited to the narcissistic/sociopathic end of the spectrum, it’s time to expand your understanding so you can identify red-flag behaviors when they present themselves. Keep in mind that toxic behavior does not come in a physically obvious package. Toxic people don’t necessarily look or behave like monsters. They can be charming, sociable, respected, and so on. Toxicity that comes in a pretty package can be very confusing to those they interact with. Their presentation makes it harder to justify the perception of toxicity, even to yourself. Do not dismiss toxicity because of the proximity of the relationship or how someone is generally perceived. At all times, you must honor how you feel in interaction with these people above logic and appearances. Your feelings are valid. Trust yourself.
In our world today, there is a lot of overtly toxic behavior that is easy to identify, steer clear of, or speak up against. However, not all toxicity is obvious; subtly poisonous behavior can be far more dangerous. It’s harder to identify, can make you question your sanity or perception of reality, and can cause you to discount your intuition when it tells you that something is wrong because it’s hard to “prove” it.
Signs and Symptoms of Toxic Behavior
Keep front and center this fundamental truth about toxicity:
The toxic person is a manipulator.
Remember at all times that the point of toxic interactions is to manipulate you. The manipulator feels entitled to whatever it is you have that they need, whether that is your patience, compassion, time, connections, etc. They take without giving. In the context of mutual respect, reciprocity is a healthy component of connecting with others. You give generously to those you respect, freely and without expectation of receiving something in return. Even though you don’t expect it, those you give to return your generosity in other ways over the course of time. There is an ocean of difference between normal, healthy interactions and those where the manipulator seeks to take, take, take and feels entitled to take even more if you’ll allow them to. Toxic people are energy vampires who suck up your life force and leave you feeling depleted rather than energized. They may create a sense of urgency, display exaggerated reactions to any kind of questioning or confrontation, and generally expect that you fall in line with whatever it is they demand of you. You find yourself doing the dance and giving in time and time again to avoid the consequences of not meeting their demands. And that, my friend, is how they train you to stay in the cycle of dysfunction.
At the heart of all toxic relationships is a lack of boundaries. Those who want to manipulate you don’t see you as a wholly separate entity with free will. They see you as someone who exists to meet their needs, and if manipulation is required to make that happen, they roll up their sleeves and get to work. The challenge is that those who employ manipulation against you are often those who are closest to you. Not only may they be your family members, but also friends, coworkers, and/or even your partner. It can be challenging to navigate such interactions when you know any discussion of how their behavior makes you feel could end in a ridiculous display of emotion that you’d rather not deal with. It could be that you’ve tried to talk to this person before and it had no impact at all. You may turn to using logic on yourself in an attempt to overcome your unsettling feelings, which, in case you haven’t noticed, doesn’t work. It’s like using a gun to kill smoke. Knowing the signs and symptoms of toxic behavior will help you identify whether you’re involved in a toxic relationship, personally or professionally. Once you are aware of the issues, you will be armed with the knowledge required to change or leave the dynamics you are engaged in.
Manipulation Tactics
When I speak on the topic of toxicity, it frequently elicits discomfort from the audience. No one wants to believe the worst about their loved ones and friends. It’s hard to wrap your mind around the fact that someone close to you may be manipulating you. To further complicate matters, the manipulator may come across as a perfectly lovely person to others, creating confusion that makes it more difficult for you to accept or explain your discomfort. Subtly manipulative behavior can be hard to discern. FOG, an acronym coined by psychologist Susan Forward, describes the emotions the manipulator uses to influence others:
F—Fear
O—Obligation
G—Guilt
In Forward’s book Emotional Blackmail (New York: HarperCollins, 1997), she describes how manipulators use tactics that elicit these emotions to bend you to their will. They make sure you fear the consequences of crossing them, feel obligated to give them what they want out of a sense of duty, and feel guilty if you don’t comply. The underlying gross factor is that you end up complicit in this dynamic by giving the manipulator what they seeks to take from you. FOG is the shit show trifecta that you will find in any manipulative scenario if you take the time to examine the dynamics at play in the relationships you suspect fall into this category.
Forward goes on to describe the types of manipulators and how each shows up with their own version of FOG.
The Punisher: Seeks a one-sided balance of power and will override you and your desires.
The Self-Punisher: If they don’t get what they want, they will be upset and threaten to mess up their own lives.
The Sufferer: If you don’t give in to what they want, their subsequent suffering is your fault.
The Tantalizer: Make it clear that you will get the prize they offer if you do what they demand.
In each of these archetypes, control is the ultimate goal. The manipulator doesn’t care if the way they gain control is through threat or reward. Here are examples of how each of these operates in the context of the archetypes.
Punisher: Skip the happy hour with your friends or I will hurt you.
Self-punisher: Skip the happy hour with your friends or I will hurt myself.
Sufferer: Skip the happy hour with your friends. I’m so hurt that I wasn’t invited. If you go, it will be your fault that I’m upset and unhappy.
Tantalizer: Skip the happy hour with your friends and I’ll take you to a fancy dinner instead. They’re not good enough for you, anyway.
The reason the person is manipulating you may or may not feel significant to you. What the manipulator demands isn’t the point; the way in which they demand it is. By giving in to demands large and small, you establish a pattern in which the manipulator continues to use FOG to get their way, and over time their demands may escalate from the insignificant to the highly consequential. This is one slippery slope you want to stay far away from.
At times, obligation may be used in ways that don’t quite add up to toxicity but are designed to take advantage of you. A friend may appeal to your sense of duty when they ask you to do something that may be inconvenient for you. They know that, because you are a “good friend,” you may feel obligated to do their bidding. Is there a person in your life who consistently asks for favors? The person who thinks it’s your job to take them to the airport because they don’t want to pay for a ride? Or maybe it’s letting their dog out three times a day for five days while they go on vacation. How can you say no when you live nearby and this person is your friend? Do you ask people for things like this? Sure, maybe sometimes. But not all the time. You can park your car at the airport, catch an Uber, board the dog, or pay a neighborhood kid to help you out. When someone in your life consistently comes to you to make their life easier, pay attention to where else in your relationship elements of manipulation are showing up. When people expect you to do whatever is easiest for them with no consideration for what that means for you, you are in an exchange where you’ve been taught to obey the sense of obligation rather than honoring what you really want to say or do. The person asking you knows this and uses it against you to achieve their own ends.
Another way that toxic people engage you in the cycle of manipulation is referred to as gaslighting: a form of psychological manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or group, making them question their own memory, perception, and sanity. The term originated from the 1944 film Gaslight, in which a husband makes his wife believe she has lost her sanity because only she can see the flickering of the gaslights, when in fact he is the one causing the flickering while denying he can see what she sees. Gaslighters deny, lie, project, confuse, and ultimately wear you down in their pursuit of manipulation (Sarkis, Stephanie. “11 Warning Signs of Gaslighting.” Psychology Today. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-warning-signs-gaslighting).
Gaslighting can be exhausting for the person on the receiving end. To be told repeatedly that what you have seen or heard didn’t happen, happened another way, or that your perception of what happened is invalid wears on you, making you question yourself rather than stand firmly in your conviction that you do, indeed, know what you experienced. Gaslighters deny and lie regarding circumstances significant and mundane; the specific subject is of no consequence. It can be tempting to dismiss denials regarding matters that don’t have dire meaning or consequences—but this is precisely when you should be questioning the motive behind the denials. Why deny when not much is at stake and it would be easier in the long run to tell the truth? The allure of logic is strong, but you cannot employ it to understand the operating mode of one who manipulates. It is not logical! It is meant to impact you from an emotional perspective, and emotions aren’t governed by logic. You can’t explain it. Don’t insist on understanding why; instead, accept what this person has shown you about who they are.
In addition to the use of FOG and gaslighting, there are several other common behaviors typical of toxic interactions that may be overt or covert.
•Non-apologies. Beware the person who cannot express true regret. Statements like “I apologize,” “I’m sorry you feel that way,” and “I’m sorry, but—” are not true apologies. A real apology sounds sincere and more like, “I’m sorry I hurt you. It wasn’t my intention and I will be more aware of my words and actions next time.”
•Refusal to accept responsibility. Toxic people are never wrong, which is why they can’t truly apologize. Look for blame-shifting and victim mindset, where they either look to have someone else take the fall or turn themselves into the wronged party in any given situation.
•Controlling behavior. This may be the single most obvious way that toxicity shows up in intimate relationships. Controllers expect you to comply with their rules. Their insecurity demands that they know where you are, what you’re doing, whom you hang out with, why you’re going, and ultimately decide whether or not you have permission to do what you wish to, based on whether they perceive a threat to their position in the who/what/were/why in question.
•Projection. People with toxic tendencies tend to project their own shortcomings by attributing them to others. For example, someone who talks down to people may accuse others of being condescending. Like the refusal to accept responsibility, it seeks to shift blame outward and away from the manipulator.
•Lack of empathy. The experience of the toxic person is paramount. No one else has suffered as much as they have; therefore, they don’t have compassion for others. This can show up as competing for pain: where you might say “I was so sick last weekend,” they will one-up you with stories of their own terrible illness and how they suffered more than you did. Basically, they must be the most anything so you get no compassion for what you’ve experienced.
•Lack of interest in you personally. You can engage in long one-sided conversations in which the toxic person talks incessantly about themselves and may not even remember to ask you how you’re doing. If they do remember, you may notice they don’t really listen, or they jump right back into what they want to talk about instead of what’s going on with you. Your feelings may be hurt that you recently told them about a significant challenge in your life and they don’t remember. Your world is of limited to no significance.
•Passive aggression. Beware the quiet ones. Just because someone is soft-spoken doesn’t mean they can’t be toxic. The passive-aggressive types get away with more toxic behavior because they’re not as loud, but do not mistake quiet for non-toxic. These are the people who may be nice to you in person while talking about you behind your back, make underhanded cutting remarks and then feign innocence when called out, employ a lot of facial expressions to disrupt but won’t use their words, etc. Passive aggression is particularly difficult to verbalize because, by design, it’s not as obvious and therefore it’s easier to deny the motive behind the behavior.
If you are dealing with a particularly malignant toxicity that seems to check every box we’ve discussed so far, you may be dealing with someone who has a personality disorder. The information shared here is not meant to be diagnostic; if you suspect an underlying disorder, contact a therapist or do some research, being careful to stick with reputable sources of information. Cluster B personality disorders as described in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders are characterized by dramatic, overly emotional, or unpredictable thinking and behavior. The personality disorders included in Cluster B are antisocial, borderline, histrionic, and narcissistic, and many of these personality types include the kinds of behaviors summarized here. If you are in fact dealing with someone who has a personality disorder, there are specific recommendations for how to engage with them and protect yourself that a therapist or professional can help you with.
Workplace Toxicity
In my corporate life, there were epic levels of toxicity all around me. Consistently floored by the ridiculous behavior, I couldn’t understand why such noxious behavior was tolerated. Toxic behaviors were perpetrated by those who were “nice” and could be charming, while others didn’t bother to mask their dysfunction. Either way, they employed the tactics that worked for them specifically, with no incentive to change because they were getting away with the bad behavior. Here are some archetypes to illustrate the kinds of coworker or leader to be on alert for:
•The martyr is nice and accommodating on the surface but highly passive-aggressive. He may not vocalize his thoughts and opinions, but will make faces in meetings, try to recruit the support of others to his “side” when in disagreement with someone, behave as if he respects you but then bad-mouth you to anyone who will listen. When confronted about his behavior, he may act shocked, cry, deny, and shift blame to others for their actions. The martyr lowers team morale by expecting others to operate at his level or accommodate his weaknesses with no consideration for how it impacts others to do so.
•The egomaniac is self-centered, with an enormous sense of entitlement. She may feel like some “star” quality she possesses makes her indispensable, and as such expects any bad behavior on her part to be overlooked in favor of keeping her happy and productive. This type may not bother to be pleasing; she expects others to please her. She demands accolades and special treatment and is quick to point fingers at others when called out about her behavior.
•The tyrant is the egomaniac hopped up on the power of authority. Bad behavior, including overly dramatic reactions, outbursts, insults, inappropriate relationships, etc., are all potentially part of the package that this type delivers. The same sense of entitlement that drives the egomaniac is made worse by the tyrant’s ability to use it against those he sees as tools to be used for his own benefit, regardless of the impact on those he uses them against. The dynamics at play with the tyrant can be tricky; he was promoted despite these characteristics, which validates the bad behavior. In very unhealthy corporate cultures, he may have been promoted because of his character.
If you have been tolerating any of the behaviors discussed to this point, it’s time to act. Not later. Now. Engaging in this dangerous pattern permeates every area of your life and undermines you in more ways than you can appreciate. It makes you an enabler, and what you enable you continue to attract. As an enabler, you are choosing to allow this kind of behavior. Perpetrators are highly adept at identifying targets, and they are looking specifically for people who will enable their behavior. Once you’ve demonstrated you’ll tolerate this kind of shit, people who want to dish it out will find you to take it.
Workplace toxicity is tricky to navigate. You may feel you have limited ability to do anything about toxic behavior, depending on whether it’s showing up in a coworker, direct report, or leader. The answer is not to do nothing. Talk to a trusted coworker or manager about how to approach the issue. If that’s not helpful, speak to your HR representative and see if they have advice about how to handle a given situation, and begin creating a record of the behavior you observe. If you are a leader, you have an obligation to address this behavior. Don’t overlook or justify it because you aren’t sure what to say. Work with HR to figure out what your options are, and do what needs to be done. Enabling bad behavior in the workplace has an exponential impact that ripples throughout teams and impacts clients. Set a time to talk and have a trusted third party present, like HR, to listen or participate in the discussion. Make your expectations known and establish how you’ll check in to gauge improvements in behavior. Unfortunately, it’s doubtful that there are policies in place designed to address toxic behavior in the workplace. You may find that your leaders or HR department aren’t particularly helpful, but you won’t know until you try. If you don’t get an adequate response, encourage others you trust, who also recognize the toxic behavior in question, to have their own conversations with leadership and HR. Continued feedback may be what tips the balance toward addressing the issue. If the behavior is allowed to go on unchecked, then it’s time for you to consider whether you need to make a move to another department or workplace. You do have a choice in whether or not you tolerate toxic behavior.
I once assumed responsibility for a team with a couple of people who fit the martyr and egomaniac archetypes. Their behavior had gone largely unchecked for years, lowering the morale of those who had to work closely with them. The floodgates of information opened wide when I first took over the team. Those who had ongoing dealings with them had renewed hope that perhaps a new manager would take action where others hadn’t. The more I learned about their behavior through my own experiences with each of them, the clearer it became just how much of an impact they had on the rest of the team. I went to my manager and HR to discuss my concerns. They were onboard with my proceeding to address the situation, so I spoke to each person directly about my expectations and began documenting our interactions. As expectations continued to go unmet, warnings were written and consequences made clear. The martyr cried and the egomaniac dismissed me as a clueless bitch who clearly didn’t understand just how amazing they were. Even after extensive documentation that included the feedback of other team members, I was the one who had to eventually say, “Enough is enough. It’s time to move forward to next steps.” I told my manager I was done, she supported the decision, and I spoke with HR to get the wheels in motion. If I hadn’t proactively sought to address the situation and eventually firmly demand an end to the cycle, nothing would have changed.
The most effective way to handle any toxic relationship or situation is to establish boundaries. Remember that logic will not work. If you continue to try to talk with this person, expect it to be a complete waste of time and energy that takes you straight into the cycle of defensiveness, blame-shifting, and gaslighting, where nothing is accomplished and you make no progress. It’s best to leave logic out of it altogether. Set the boundary, share it verbally, and make clear what the consequences are for violating that boundary. They may act confused, cry, get angry, or all of the above. You cannot control the other person’s reaction, and their potential reaction should not silence you. Remain calm and respond with something that is true, but do not rationalize or justify your position.
If this sounds like a harsh approach to you, do some self-examination. Why does it feel harsh when the other person is being so clearly disrespectful of you or others, continuing to push against boundaries in an attempt to get you to back down? Setting boundaries is not a pleasant experience in the moment, because you are violating the silent terms of an agreement you have been participating in until that moment. It’s uncomfortable for you because you might feel mean for doing so, and the other person’s reaction is going to feed right into the fear that you are, indeed, being a meanie. Accept the discomfort as a necessary part of what must be done and do it.
Toxic people are capable of responding to boundary-setting. In order to give boundaries a real shot, you have to be incredibly vigilant about sticking to the limits you set. Be ready to enforce the consequences of a boundary violation every single time one occurs, so you can gauge whether there is any hope of a tenable long-term impact. In the professional setting, document your expectations and progress toward meeting them. In your personal life, use your best judgment to set limits, and stop wasting your effort if your boundaries aren’t observed. If boundaries are observed, you may be able to maintain a relationship with this person on your own terms. The extent to which you put in effort is up to you. The manipulator may honor your boundaries for a while, then test you to see if you will let them cross the line after a period of compliance. Do not give an inch! Any flexibility on your part will be interpreted as an invitation to further push your boundaries, and you’ll have to start all over again. If they continue to be noncompliant, you can begin thinking about whether you want to take a longer break and eventually cut contact with this person. Professionally, it’s important to have an established course of action for noncompliance and stick with it. In some cases, the manipulator might decide your boundaries are a deal-breaker and move on. If so, good. They’ve shown you it’s not worth the effort to maintain a personal or professional association on someone else’s terms.
For very close relationships that you wish to maintain with strict boundaries in place, the biggest favor you can do for yourself is to drop your expectations that this person will behave any differently in the future. They have shown you over and over again exactly who they are. Your choice to remain connected with boundaries that prioritize your needs is valid, but do it in a way that doesn’t set you up for disappointment. Do it with compassion for yourself and the other, but with clarity that they are who they are.
I’ve used the term dangerous to describe the tolerance of toxicity in any aspect of your life, and if you continue to doubt its impact, I want to dispel that now, once and for all. Manipulators leverage the arousal of guilt and shame as a way of controlling you. Guilt and shame. Two of the most harmful emotions any of us can harbor about ourselves. They use them, deliberately, as a means to create their desired outcome. What’s going on with you is the least of their concerns. When you resist, their reactions tend to be overblown in order to keep you in line, even if keeping you in line comes at the expense of your own emotional comfort. In particularly toxic relationships, where there is true malignant intent that invades multiple aspects of the relationship, the person on the receiving end of the toxicity can feel desperate to escape. If you’ve experienced a toxic relationship, you may have had thoughts about how life would be easier if the other person died or disappeared, triggering the guilt and shame spiral all over again. What’s wrong with you that such an extreme outcome would be a relief from this endless cycle?
There is nothing wrong with you.
The fact that you feel this way is your red flag, on fire and waving in hurricane-force winds, warning you that this interaction is so poisonous you feel the only way out is for the other person to cease to exist. These emotions reveal just how terrible an impact this relationship is having on you, and how disempowered you are in this dynamic. Sometimes, the option of cutting contact with the person in question must be considered, which can trigger fear, guilt, shame, etc., about your own heartlessness. It may come to that, but there is no need to make such a heavy decision right out of the gate.
There is a caveat to all of the above. If you are in a toxic relationship with someone you are truly afraid of, do not do any of this alone. Engagement in a highly toxic relationship can create a deep sense of shame; if you haven’t shared any of what you’ve been experiencing, it’s time to confide in someone you trust. Find a therapist to work with, and if the thought of trying to establish a relationship with a new care provider is too daunting at the moment, make an appointment to see your regular doctor and let them help you. If you are in a domestic abuse situation, please seek help from The National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE) or a local support group.
As daunting as the prospect may be, establishing boundaries will be an indescribable relief to you. Once you have stopped participating in the cycle, once you act on your own behalf in a way that reflects self-respect and an empowered approach, you will feel amazing. It will free you, mind and soul, to remove a constant infective source of guilt, shame, and self-doubt from your life.
No discussion of toxicity is complete without addressing the impact of enabling.
Enabler: a person or thing that makes something possible.
Toxicity requires the participation of the person targeted for manipulation. When you stay silent and allow the dysfunctional behavior you witness, you’re a participant. If you believe it’s okay because you’re the only victim, two things: a) this is a glaring red flag of how little you value yourself and b) enablers are victimizers through complicity. You don’t get a free pass because you aren’t the toxic one, if you stand by while the manipulator does their thing. There is always collateral damage. It impacts your loved ones and, if you have children, you are setting them up to repeat the shit show you’ve chosen to engage in by teaching them what kind of treatment they should expect and tolerate from others. Do not lie to yourself that your children aren’t aware of what’s taking place. They know. If nothing else they feel it, and, when they get old enough to have their own opinions, they will be targeted with the same behavior you’ve been enduring. It can also impact relationships with the rest of your family, as they may have to walk on eggshells around your partner. Enabling is not a strategy. It’s complicity.
To bring it all together, I’ll share the story of a friend and client that showcases the cycle of toxicity in all its terrible dysfunction. Maddie is a lovely woman who is married with two children. Her parents divorced when she was a child, but her mother remarried twice, both times to abusive men. Her second marriage occurred when Maddie was in her final year of high school. Her new stepfather, Tom, had been a teacher at the high school before she was a student there. He had a reputation for inappropriate and volatile behavior, which a couple of teachers shared with Maddie under condition of anonymity. Despite Maddie’s pleas that her mother delay the wedding due to this disturbing information, her mother proceeded.
Maddie moved out immediately after graduation. She’d been around Tom enough to know he was an angry, opinionated, judgmental, and volatile man. She saw him only once or twice a year and remained unaware of his contempt for her until her mother moved out for a period of time after he’d beaten her. At that point, her mother shared that for the last twenty years, he’d been referring to Maddie, her daughter, as a bitch, cunt, slut, and whore after Maddie had a relationship with a much older man.
For years, Maddie had been torn about how to handle the relationship with her mother. She treasured the closeness she shared with her sister and mother, between the toxic marriages, and found it hard to process the impact that Tom and her mother’s enabling had on their relationship dynamic. Her mother expected the toxicity to unite them as fellow victims, rather than accept her role as the enabler. Her early experiences left Maddie with an inadequate sense of self-worth, which impacted her professionally. She was taught to walk on eggshells to the point that showing up confidently to her work was a challenge for her. Keeping the peace, making sure everyone else was okay and that she didn’t say or do something triggering, kept her from making moves that would enhance her success. Once she recognized her perception of the toxicity was valid, she was able to establish boundaries that have freed her from the misery of participation in the cycle. She has been clear and honest with her mother and, while her mother continues to try to get her to engage in the old cycle, Maddie won’t do it. She has held fast to her boundaries and feels as if a massive weight has been lifted from her. Her professional wins have grown exponentially because she is taking the same direct, honest approach in her business dealings that she’s using in her personal life. The two were inextricably linked. She has all the proof she needs to continue on the path of self-respect and healthy boundaries going forward.
If reading all of this has made you question whether you yourself engage in toxic behavior, take heart. It means you have the self-awareness to recognize it. You have the opportunity to be very conscious and change the way you relate to others moving forward. Find a therapist who can help you evaluate where you are versus where you want to be.
To Don’t:
•Don’t use logic in an attempt to overcome the manipulation tactics of a toxic person. Logic and emotion are apples and oranges that can’t be used to combat one another.
•Don’t give in for the sake of short-term peace. It’s not worth it, and you are playing into the hands of the toxic person each time you decide it’s easier to go along.
•Don’t decide that it’s harmless to continue participating in the cycle of toxicity because you’re aware of what’s happening. It’s not harmless. Your awareness is complicity in your own emotional injury.
Do Instead:
•Establish boundaries. Resist the urge to use logic when you get pushback.
•Speak up. Even if you aren’t sure how to resolve the situation, silence is not the answer.
•Know that you have the power to break this cycle once and for all.
Summing Up
The presence of toxicity has the power to establish an undermining pattern that pervades every aspect of your life. It must be dealt with head-on, with an empowered approach in which your own best interests or the interests of a group lead the way. You can clean up every other aspect of your mindset and operating framework but not get the true benefits of those efforts until you are willing to stop tolerating behavior that hurts you or your team, assertively establish your expectations, and stick to the commitment that serves your highest good in staying strong when your expectations aren’t met. If you are an enabler, it’s time to take stock and admit your part in the dysfunction you have allowed. Acknowledge that your participation has effects beyond you, and, if needed, get outside help in sorting out how you got here so that you can move forward.
Key takeaways:
•Toxic behavior can be obvious or subtle. Remember to watch for manipulation tactics that leverage FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) to bend you to the will of the manipulator.
•Common toxic behaviors include non-apologies, refusal to accept responsibility, victim mindset, projection, lack of empathy, and passive aggression.
•A lack of boundaries is at the heart of what enables toxic behavior. The one who manipulates doesn’t have limits in the area that they are intruding on. It is up to you to decide what you will no longer tolerate, set the rules, make the consequences clear, and then stay consistent and true to the limits you have set.
•Logic is a tool for people who behave rationally. Manipulation is an emotional technique—you cannot use logic to talk the manipulator out of their bad behavior. Setting and sticking to boundaries without rationalizing is the key to managing such relationships.
•It takes two to participate in a toxic interaction. The toxic person has found an enabler in you. Stop enabling, remove yourself from participation, and free yourself of the invasive effect that ongoing interaction is having on every aspect of your life.
•Toxicity you tolerate shows up personally and professionally. You have to clean it all up to move forward, fully empowered to transform your life.
Take a deep breath. No matter how tough a toxic situation you’re in, there is a way out. If you have more than one toxic situation in your life that needs to be addressed, begin with the one that is the least overwhelming to you. Perhaps the behavior in question is less egregious, or the relationship itself isn’t as significant to you, so if the interaction gets rocky, it’s less threatening to your peace of mind. This is a baby-steps approach that allows you to get in some practice asserting your boundaries and expectations, which will build your confidence, making it easier for you to approach the other, more significant relationships or behaviors that remain.
The following will help provide clarity on how to begin this process.
1.Make a list of your toxic relationships. Rank them in order of which are the most unsettling and painful for you.
2.For each of these people, think about the last interaction or two you’ve had. Identify the tactics they use to manipulate you. Don’t worry about making an all-inclusive list. The point of this exercise is to raise your awareness of any subtleties you may not have been picking up on before.
3.Pick the relationship you are most comfortable starting with and come up with the boundaries you want to put in place. I encourage you to play out the interaction in your mind, thinking through their most likely responses and what you would say in return. Practicing your responses will minimize your anxiety when it comes time to have the interaction, making it less likely you’ll be taken off-guard, unsure what to say in response to an objection.
4.Give yourself a deadline for having the conversation. If it’s someone you see frequently, pick a date two to four weeks out and make it a priority to establish your boundaries with this person. Having a timeline will give you time to think, practice, and prepare while creating a sense of urgency around having to be prepared.
5.Once you’ve addressed the first relationship, repeat the process for the others on your list. Enlist the help of those close to you by confiding in them about the true nature of your relationship. Chances are, you’re telling them something they’ve already picked up on. They will want to support you in taking this critical step. With a particularly angry or volatile toxic personality, be cautious. Talk to your doctor or a therapist about your plan for moving forward and take their professional advice. Remember, you are not stuck. You do have options, and you can move forward from here. It may take a little more time and planning, but it’s worth it. You’re worth it.
6.Employ early identification with future relationships. When you see the warning signs of toxicity, do not engage! Your well-being comes first.
