Читать книгу Don't Let the Culture Raise Your Kids - Marcia Segelstein - Страница 9

Chapter 1

The Critical Role of Parents

During my years of writing about child raising, the one issue that has stood out above all others has been the changing role of parents. The doctors, therapists, and researchers I’ve interviewed, and the studies I’ve read, all seem to agree on two key points: First, modern parents are abdicating their role as authority figures. Second, children desperately need their parents to be authority figures.

The culture has shifted away from one that not only accepted, but encouraged “strict” parenting, to one that sees that word in a negative, even mocking light.

“Permissive parenting” was popularized in the 1970s. Today’s version is “positive parenting.” Modern parents are advised to affirm their children and avoid correcting them; they’re encouraged to be their children’s friends; they’re warned not to stifle their children’s creativity. “Discipline” now smacks of negativity. All of these make it that much more difficult for parents trying to raise children of faith, which requires both respectfulness and self-discipline. Not only can Christian parents feel as though they’re swimming against the tide, they can feel like they’re doing it alone.

Yet, I would venture to guess that if you were to ask most parents today — even very young parents — whether they would ever have dreamed of speaking to their parents the way their children talk to them (or the way they see other children interact with their parents), the answer would be a resounding “No!” I’m also guessing that most of us have witnessed children misbehaving in places such as restaurants, movie theaters, or other public spaces and cringed while their parents said and did nothing.

Have you ever imagined what happens when undisciplined tots become teenagers? Young children who don’t respect the authority of their parents don’t grow into adolescents who suddenly do. They’ll turn to the world, to their peers — as they’re hormonally inclined to do anyway — to decide what’s right and wrong. If parents don’t address this, they’re affirming the behavior.

You’ve already made the decision to raise your children as faithful Christians. That means you’re going to have to guide them through a world that actively works against that goal. The task ahead of you is daunting, but manageable. We live in a culture that condones abortion, mocks chastity, embraces gender fluidity, and devalues marriage. We live in a world where children and adolescents are increasingly more connected to their peers than their parents, particularly thanks to social media. We live in a time when educators teach politically correct values, not biblical ones.

If we want our children to follow us, instead of the culture, we need to gain their respect. We need our children to listen to us and to trust us, so that ours are the values they embrace, and ours are the voices they heed.

That means the first task is to become confident, authoritative parents.

What Being an Authority Means (and Why It Matters)

We associate authority with being stern, rigid, and tough. It is tempting to think of this as old-fashioned and unnecessary but being an authority figure for our children means being in charge. Plain and simple. It means being able to say “No.” It absolutely does not preclude being nurturing, caring, and loving. In fact, these are critical elements to being an effective authority figure.

Dr. Jane Anderson practiced as a pediatrician for thirty-five years and is now a Clinical Professor of Pediatrics at the University of California San Francisco. She’s also on the Board of Directors for the American College of Pediatricians. In an interview for the National Catholic Register, I asked her if authority is an important component of parenting. “It’s crucial. It’s the foundation of family. It’s the foundation of society,” she answered. “Authoritative parents are closest to the biblical concept of parents. These are parents who provide rules, provide standards — usually high standards — for their children. But they’re nurturing, responsive and loving. I call them the nurturing, loving, rule-setting parents.”¹ Children raised by authoritative parents consistently have the best outcomes on a wide range of measures.²

In fact, as noted by the American College of Pediatricians, authoritative parenting is a specific style recognized by pediatricians and child psychologists as being the ideal.³ By contrast, permissive parents are reluctant to set rules and standards, while authoritarian parents are demanding, lack warmth, and are unresponsive to their children.

Anderson believes that as children learn to respect the authority of their parents, they learn to respect authority in society. More importantly, if children don’t acknowledge the authority of their parents, why should they believe that God has authority over them?

Just Can’t Say “No!”

William Doherty is director of the Marriage and Family Therapy Program at the University of Minnesota. In his book, Take Back Your Kids: Confident Parenting in Turbulent Times, he talks about the disrespect and general coarseness common among the children and teenagers with whom he works. A big part of the problem is the unwillingness of parents to put limits on their children. He writes that the best research indicates that “children need both love and limits, they need confident rather than insecure parents.”⁴

Part of the discomfort the present parenting culture has with authority is rooted in what Doherty calls “therapeutic parenting.” He writes that starting with the publication in the 1970s of Thomas Gordon’s Parent Effectiveness Training: The Tested New Way to Raise Responsible Children, parents have been repeatedly told to behave like therapists with their children. Among other things, this means being non-judgmental and constantly attentive. A therapeutic culture of parenting will distort parents’ interactions with their child, presuming that a child’s psyche must be treated gingerly, and can lead to what Doherty calls “timid parent syndrome.”⁵ When Johnny kicks Mommy, Mommy tries to use it as a “teachable moment.” When Johnny’s teacher is unhappy with his behavior or school performance, Mommy acts as if it’s the teacher’s fault. Child psychologist Ron Taffel describes the plight of a mother he once counseled: When her six-year-old son hit her and screamed at her in a store, she wasn’t sure whether she should “smack him on the spot or let him get his feelings off of his chest so they wouldn’t fester.”⁶ Doherty recounts treating a family in therapy whose ten-year-old had begun calling his mother a “bitch.” He believes issues such as these are due to the widespread blurring of the boundaries between parents and children.

Another expectation put on modern parents is that they shouldn’t interfere with their children’s desire to express themselves. “The parents who don’t say no to their children will tell you they don’t want to stifle the child’s creativity. But that’s exactly what they’re doing by not saying no,” Dr. Anderson told me. “Unless a child has experienced someone saying no, that child does not have to think creatively or problem solve.”⁷

Besides ceding the role of authority figures, modern parenting has changed in other ways. For one thing, children are catered to in a way they were not in previous generations. “You see it with the hyper-praising of kids, particularly middle-class kids, who are given the message that every time they breathe they’re a little genius. Parents will bend over backwards,” Doherty told me in an interview for Salvo magazine, “to make sure their kids have the most special birthday party, for example.”⁸ As a result, children develop an inflated sense of entitlement beginning in their early years.

It reminds me of the story Texas mom Kay Wills Wyma tells in her book, Cleaning House: A Mom’s 12-Month Experiment to Rid Her Home of Youth Entitlement. Her moment of truth came while driving her fourteen-year-old son to school. Pointing out two luxury cars nearby, he asked her which one she thought he’d look better in. Taken aback, she thought to herself, “Who’s raising this kid?” She realized that her children had no real responsibilities, no appreciation for hard work, and an outsized sense of entitlement. And it was her doing. Her children expected their beds to be made for them, their dirty laundry to be washed, dinner to be on the table every night — and yet they didn’t know how to do any of those things themselves. She spent the next year redefining her approach to raising her five children by giving each of them regular responsibilities and assigning them specific chores.

Like children, parents are not immune from peer pressure. Doherty tells the story of a four-year-old who suddenly demanded that her mother hang her coat up after arriving at preschool one day. “The girl had never done this before, but had obviously seen other kids treat their parents as servants.” The mother firmly told her child to hang it up herself. Later a teacher remarked that she was the first parent who’d handled such a situation that way.⁹

Letting the Kids Decide

Dr. Leonard Sax, a pediatrician and psychologist with years of hands-on experience and loads of research conducted all over the world, has weighed in on the topic of parental authority. For him, it’s not just a matter of parents abdicating their authority. He believes that “letting the kids decide” has become the new mantra of what’s considered “good” parenting, especially in the U.S.

In his book, The Collapse of Parenting: How We Hurt Our Kids When We Treat Them Like Grown-Ups, Sax writes that basic parental functions, such as teaching right from wrong, are often ignored. Sax believes that part of the problem is that parents used to be able to count on schools to help in this area. Early childhood educators have shifted their focus away from teaching life lessons about good and bad behavior in exchange for a focus on academics. For one thing, as Sax notes, schools avoid controversy when they teach straightforward subjects like math and stay away from instruction about right and wrong. Another part of the problem, Sax asserts, is when winning their children’s love and affection becomes the primary focus of the parents. “Too often, parents today allow their desire to please their child to govern their parenting.” Children need parents with the confidence and authority to teach right from wrong, to make rules, and to enforce them, says Sax.¹⁰

Cautionary Tales

Taffel uses the phrase “the new anger” to describe an upsurge in outrageous behavior by children, and he reports that in his experience it’s “becoming the norm in ordinary families.”¹¹ In his book Childhood Unbound, he tells the story of “Jessica,” who has been told by her mother to turn off the TV and clean up the table. “‘Not now,’ Jessica says, without bothering to look up. ‘No, Jessica, I mean this minute,’ her mother says sharply. ‘Later,’ Jessica responds, almost absent-mindedly. Mom stiffens and threatens: ‘Stop it now, or there won’t be TV tonight.’ Finally, she’s got her daughter’s attention. Jessica looks her mother squarely in the face and says, ‘F--- you, Mommy!’ Jessica is eight years old.”¹²

In addition to lack of respect, there are behaviors that were unthinkable only a few years ago. Another story Taffel recounts is that of “Margaret” and her daughter, “Lauren.”¹³ Margaret considered herself the kind of mom Lauren could talk to, unlike her own parents. And Lauren obliged, telling her mother stories about her friends, while Margaret shared tales of her strict upbringing. “Then one day she came home and found her fourteen-year-old daughter in the bathtub having sex with two boys,” Taffel writes. The savvy Lauren maintained her cool, telling her mother she must have imagined they were having sex because of her own strict parents. “Besides, there were bubbles in the tub — how could you know what was really going on?” Taffel reports that for a split-second Margaret almost bought it. Then, coming to her senses, she screamed at her daughter, “What do you think I am — a damn fool?” “Yes,” Lauren answered flatly.

During therapy, Taffel learned much that Margaret, the cool, you-can-talk-to-me mom, didn’t know about her daughter. Lauren smoked pot, she and her friends all engaged in sex, and she lied about it all in a completely “non-conflicted” way.

Taffel believes that many of today’s parents have willfully chosen not to be authoritative, believing that to do so would mean “squelching” their kids. In Take Back Your Kids, Doherty recounts what happened when he along with his wife and two kids visited friends whom they hadn’t seen since the birth of their daughter, now five-year-old Tanya. After about five minutes of adult conversation, he writes, Tanya “burst into the room and angrily confronted her parents. She said that there was too much ‘adult talk’ going on and that it was not fun for her. Her parents jolted to attention as if responding to a commanding officer.” They apologized to Tanya for their insensitivity, and her mother left to go play with her. “My own children, ages eleven and thirteen at the time, watched this scene with quiet amazement. I don’t think they had ever encountered this combination of an autocratic child and timid parents.”¹⁴ Taffel describes a scene he witnessed while attending one of his son’s softball games. When a kindergartner named Chrissie was declared “out” by the umpire, the child screamed, “I hate you!” and kicked him hard in the shins three times. “Incredibly, her mother, who was watching, did not reprimand her. The umpire did not kick her out of the game, and a few minutes later, Chrissie received the weekly achievement certificate she’d ‘earned’ — a red ribbon for her participation.”¹⁵

Imagine Chrissie’s teammates and the lessons they learned from watching her bad behavior go unpunished. And the grown-ups? Parents who would have handled the situation differently might feel hesitant to be the first to “make a scene” if their children misbehaved. Again, parents are susceptible to peer pressure, too.

Trying Times with Teens

Doherty believes another myth of therapeutic parenting is that parents have little control over their teenagers’ behavior. On top of that is the belief that teens should make their own decisions so that their development isn’t stifled. In Take Back Your Kids, he writes, “This myth comes into full play in the later years of high school, by which point many parents have completed the process of resigning as parents and become full-fledged buddies to their children. Thus, half the high-school seniors in town I know of spend their spring break, unchaperoned and with parents’ permission, at Mexican frolics that put them at risk for acting out sexually and drinking and abusing drugs. Some of these parents also reserve hotel rooms for their teenagers after the prom, knowing that sexual activity is thereby more likely to occur.”¹⁶ Anecdotally, there are endless stories of parents of high schoolers who host parties where the parents either provide the beer, or willfully look the other way while alcohol is being consumed. They’re the “cool” parents who make it that much harder for others who want to do very “uncool” things, such as call ahead before parties to be sure the parents will be home and that alcohol won’t be served.

Dr. Kathleen Kline is an academic child psychiatrist and affiliate scholar with the Institute for American Values. “Part of adolescent growth is a search for risk-taking, novelty-seeking, and peer affiliation,” she told me in an interview for Salvo. “It’s a very risky time, across millennia.”¹⁷ What’s changed, she believes, is the environment, specifically an environment rife with technology that can leave parents out of the mix and is potentially toxic for kids.

Losing Influence

Thanks to smartphones, tablets, and computers that facilitate emailing, texting, and instant messaging, instantaneous communication with peers is not only possible, it’s become part and parcel of being a child. Gone are the days when households had one or two telephones, and parents knew who was calling their children. Without even having to leave the house, children at younger and younger ages spend vast amounts of time with what Taffel calls their “second family,” i.e., their peers. As a result, peer influence plays a much larger role in the lives of modern children. As Dr. Kline told me, “It used to be that parents probably had a pretty good idea who their son or daughter talked to on the way home from school. And if they thought someone was a bad influence, they told their child to stay away from them.”¹⁸ There have always been plenty of bad influences within peer groups. Thanks to the digital age, it’s difficult for parents to know who their children are talking to or who the bad influences are. Nor do they have any idea of the extent to which their children are being impacted. As Doherty put it, “The amount of screen time kids have [sic] has to dilute parental influence. The use of social media has drastically increased and has got to edge out some parental influence.”

Here’s how Taffel describes this brave new world children inhabit: “They have an all-access pass to the infinite reach of the internet and are exposed at ever-earlier ages to categories of sex and violence that post-boomer and boomer parents learned about much, much later in life. Cellphones, texting, and online networks afford kids endless freedom in socializing, breaking the old bounds of school and of town. … The loss of the town center with its eyes and ears — meaning shopkeepers, church and community groups, and school — has left children of all ages more scheduled, but much less policed by the adult world.”¹⁹

Taffel reports reading “astonishingly explicit” text messages from children in elementary and middle school. Unlike small town neighborhoods of the 1950s, which contained the watchful eyes of neighbors and other parents, today’s kids can “virtually” hang out with whomever they choose. And that can mean almost anyone on the planet. Thanks to the internet, devices such as smartphones and tablets, and social media, they have access to influences that can be difficult for parents to know about, much less censor.

Dr. Kline was the principal investigator for a study published in 2003 called Hardwired to Connect: The New Scientific Case for Authoritative Communities. Sponsored by the YMCA of the USA, Dartmouth Medical School, and the Institute for American Values, it concluded that human beings are “hardwired,” i.e. biologically programmed, for connection with other people and with the transcendent. Regarding connections to other people, the report suggests that the answer lies in “authoritative communities,” of which the family is first and foremost. “Authoritative” is defined as “warm and involved, but also firm in establishing guidelines, limits, and expectations.” As to the need for connection to the transcendent, the study issues this warning:

Denying or ignoring the spiritual needs of adolescents may end up creating a void in their lives that either devolves into depression or is filled by other forms of questing and challenge, such as drinking, unbridled consumerism, petty crime, sexual precocity, or flirtations with violence.²⁰

Even from a purely scientific, secular point of view, there’s evidence that children need God! We’ve already decided on that path. Parents must exert the authority and influence to get our children there.

In his book The Collapse of Parenting, Sax cites Dr. Gordon Neufeld, a Canadian psychologist who has been observing children and adolescents for the last forty years. Here’s how Neufeld sums up the outsized role peers have assumed: “For the first time in history young people are turning for instruction, modeling, and guidance not to mothers, fathers, teachers, and other responsible adults but to people whom nature never intended to place in a parenting role — their own peers. … Children are being brought up by immature persons who cannot possibly guide them to maturity. They are being brought up by each other.”²¹ Sax adds that most kids care more about the esteem of their peers than their parents.

Of course, a huge factor in all of this is technology. The more time a child spends connecting with friends, Sax contends, the more likely he or she will turn to them for guidance about what matters and what doesn’t. The contemporary culture of Instagram, Snapchat, and YouTube, or whatever social media sites are most trendy for kids at any given moment, promotes what Sax calls the “premature transfer of allegiance to same-age peers.”²²

The bottom line is that Sax believes that the defiance and disrespect so evident among young people stems from a lack of attachment between parents and kids, which is related to parents abdicating their roles as authority figures. Neufeld puts it this way: “[T]he waning of adult authority is directly related to the weakening of attachments with adults and their displacement by peer attachments.”²³

Sax wrote his book because he believes that the combination of timid parents, along with the hyper-connectedness social media provides, is allowing teenagers to develop their primary attachments to their peers, not their families. Not only do they turn to their peers for guidance about what matters, they seek out approval and love from them. The problem with this, Sax writes, is that parents love their children unconditionally. Peers do not. It’s a recipe for disaster.

It seems that a perfect storm of weak, confused parents, and technology with the potential to destroy childhood innocence and redouble peer influence, has come together to create a culture that wreaks havoc on childhood.

Solutions, Tips, & Tools

Start Young

Dr. Anderson advises parents that when their child is between twelve and fifteen months old, it’s time for a transition, and that it’s no longer their job to keep their child happy all the time. Up to then, she says, parents try to keep their child smiling and avoid disappointment and frustration at any cost, because, as she puts it, “that’s what you do for a baby.” But by the age of one, and definitely by two, parents need to change that. Usually at such young ages, “no’s” are necessary for safety issues — you can’t have your child touching hot stoves or climbing on tables. By fifteen months the “no’s” are often necessary for behaviors such as biting, kicking, and hitting. Parents must be prepared to say “no,” and to expect their child to be disappointed, frustrated, and unhappy. When that happens, says Anderson, the child has to start problem solving and thinking creatively. Far from stifling creativity or inhibiting their child, parents are actually enhancing and encouraging their child’s development when they say “no.” They’re also teaching diligence, self-reliance, and patience to their children.²⁴

If You Didn’t Start Young, Start Now

Dr. Den Trumbull is a founding member of the American College of Pediatricians and has been in practice for over thirty years. I asked him about parents who realize they need to change direction, take charge, and become more authoritative. “I want to make it really clear that it’s never too late to start,” he told me in an interview for National Catholic Register. Trumbull suggests that parents begin by choosing two or three behaviors that need work. “Then sit down with your four or six or eight-year-old and apologize. ‘We’re sorry for how we have mismanaged a, b and c. Because of our love for you we’re now going to change our approach, and you’re probably not going to be happy with it. But we’re doing this for your own good because we realize we’ve been too easy, too lenient. We’ve allowed you to do things we shouldn’t have. We love you very much, but we need to change our approach.’”²⁵ Chances are the misbehavior will increase for the first week, Dr. Trumbull says. But generally speaking, after the first week parents will begin to see results.

Rule-making

When making rules, be sure they’re clear and age-appropriate. Don’t ask children to follow rules, tell them. And, adds Dr. Sax, don’t negotiate. Very young children don’t need lengthy explanations about the “whys” behind rules. With older kids, understanding the “whys” will help them take ownership of the rules.

Dr. Thomas Lickona, often called “the father of modern character development,” is a developmental psychologist and author of several books, including How to Raise Kind Kids and Get Respect, Gratitude, and a Happier Family in the Bargain. He offers some examples of clear and specific rules parents can make:

• “Say ‘please’ when you’d like something and ‘thank you’ whenever someone does something for you.”

• “Don’t interrupt.”

• Look at the person who’s talking to you.”

• “Come when you’re called — and say ‘Coming’ so I know you’ve heard me.”

• “When someone asks you a question or says something to you, respond.”²⁶

When kids forget the rules, he says, remind them. Remember that rules help children learn self-discipline. “No television until homework’s done,” is not only reasonable, it teaches children temperance.

Here’s a primer on establishing rules from the American College of Pediatricians’ website, based on Laurence Steinberg’s book 10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting:

• All children need structure in their lives, and the best way to do this is to establish clear rules and limits.

• Be sure to establish rules that “make sense, that are appropriate to your child’s age, and that are flexible enough to change as your child matures.”

• Be firm in making your children keep the rules that have been appropriately set.²⁷

Have Your “Teaching Toolbox” Ready

As Dr. Anderson points out, the word “discipline,” which often has negative connotations, actually comes from the Greek word “to disciple.” Think in advance about how you’ll discipline, so that when the time comes you can reach into your figurative “toolbox.” Dr. Anderson’s preferred method of discipline for children is the time out, and she gives general guidelines for using it. Time out should be wherever the activity isn’t. She recommends using a movable object, like a small chair or pillow, so it can be moved or taken elsewhere, such as to Grandma’s house. At very young ages it should only be used for a few seconds. After time out, says Anderson, always give a hug and address the infraction by, for example, saying, “I love you, but you’re not allowed to hit.” You’re telling the child you love him, but his behavior was inappropriate. “Time out provides the child with a nice, quiet, safe place where she can re-group, calm herself, get herself under control and think about her actions.”²⁸ Dr. Trumbull believes that a playpen time out is reasonable at the age of fifteen months, and that most children are ready for a chair time out starting at eighteen months to two years.

For parents who use spanking as a method of discipline, there are parameters Dr. Trumbull recommends. Use it when milder measures have failed; it shouldn’t be your first or only option. The typical ages for spanking are between two and six, because appealing to reason and consequences are less effective for smaller children. Spanking should always be a planned action; it should never be a reaction or made in anger. Spanking should never be harmful or cause bruising. To be specific, use an open hand to deliver one or two swats to the bottom. It should always occur in private, never in a public setting, in order to avoid humiliating the child. And it needs to be followed by a review of the offense, and the reassurance of the parents’ unconditional love for the child.

It’s important to note that the line between spanking and child abuse is hotly disputed these days. Legal challenges to parents spanking their children have been raised in several states, including New York, California, and Texas. In 2012, Delaware became the first state to ban parents from hitting their children, redefining child abuse as anything that causes “pain.” Parents should be aware that they run the risk of being labeled child abusers if children complain to school teachers or administrators that they’re spanked at home.

Here are some other age-appropriate disciplinary tools and tips, courtesy of Dr. Trumbull:

• By age three and a half, privilege removal is a reasonable punishment.

• For school age children and teenagers, withdrawing privileges, grounding, and drawing fines out of allowances are appropriate and effective.

• Rewards can be useful teaching tools. For younger children, parents can reward good behavior with things such as stickers. For older children, rewards can take the form of increasing privileges.

In general, Trumbull says that parents need to remember that children also need affirmation and encouragement. Correction or punishment without affirmation will be counterproductive.

Assign Chores

Introduce household chores, like Kay Wills Wyma did. Her plan involved assigning a new chore every month to her five children. By the time a year was over, they not only cleaned their own rooms, they cleaned bathrooms, did laundry, and helped prepare meals. Wyma found that giving her children meaningful work fostered not only personal responsibility but emotional health, to say nothing of establishing parental authority. You don’t need an elaborate plan, but you do need one that’s age appropriate. Cleaning up toys is a good place to start. Then move up to making beds, putting dirty laundry in its place, setting and clearing the dinner table, helping with yard work, and cleaning bedrooms. The key — and often the hard part, as Wyma found out — is making sure the chores are completed and having a plan for what follows if they aren’t. Be clear up front about the rewards and punishments.

Dr. Anderson believes chores are good for children in many ways. They don’t just teach responsibility, they keep children — especially teenagers — connected to their families.

Establish Rituals

Simple rituals with kids, such as movie and game nights, or weekly visits to a library or coffee shop, can help forge and strengthen parent-child bonds.

Have Family Dinners

Family meals go a long way in cementing ties. In fact, there’s research on the benefits of family dinners. The American College of Pediatricians examined a range of studies on the subject. They found evidence of so many advantages for families who had regular meals together that they now recommend their members encourage parents to partake of the family table. Better family relationships, healthier eating, better grades, and decreased drug and alcohol use by teens are just some of the many benefits of frequent (defined as five per week) family meals. “When families regularly share meals together,” according to the ACPeds website, “everyone benefits — the children, parents and even the community.”²⁹

Shared meals can provide a sense of cohesion simply by bringing family members together. According to Drs. Jane Anderson and Den Trumbull, authors of the analysis, sitting down with each other at the end of the day allows families to reconnect, to communicate with one another, and to share values. Children like structure, and family meals help provide that. Dinnertime together is also a chance for children to observe how their parents interact and express emotions, and for the whole family to learn how to treat each other with respect. Teenagers who have more frequent meals with their families are more likely to report having positive relationships with them. Specifically, it doubles their chances of having “excellent relationships” with their fathers and with siblings.³⁰ According to one study, 71 percent of teens consider spending time with family members the best part of family meals.³¹ Family dinners are an opportunity for kids to see their parents make family time a priority and for parents to share their values over the dinner table. Since this is time for kids to be with their families and not their peers, no cellphones allowed!

Take Family Vacations and Nurture Extended Family Relationships

Family vacations can also be valuable in strengthening family relations, and Dr. Sax believes they should be done without friends tagging along. Expensive trips to faraway places aren’t necessary. Visit places such as historic sites and state and national parks and bring a picnic. In trying to connect your child to your culture and your values, it can help to live near extended family (if they share your values), so that other adults such as aunts, uncles, and grandparents can help offset peer influence. If that’s not possible, there are other ways to have extended family members be part of your children’s lives. Besides visiting them when possible, have your children use Skype and FaceTime to stay in touch and establish close relationships. Extended family members can become part of the authoritative community that children need, even from a distance.

Build a Community

Doherty writes about what author and fatherhood advocate James Levine and his wife did when their teenage daughter became a challenge. First, they arranged a meeting with the parents of their daughter’s five closest friends. “Jim reports the result was an amazingly effective parent support group that met three times a year through their daughters’ high school years. The group opened up channels of communication among the families, helped parents hold firm against sometimes unreasonable demands from their daughters, and helped their daughters resist unreasonable peer pressure.” Don’t go it alone! Seek out like-minded parents at church or at your children’s school for support.

Expect Respect

Don’t tolerate disrespect from your children. In Take Back Your Kids, Doherty advises parents to “challenge every disrespectful behavior — without exception — because that is the only way that the child will understand your expectations and the meaning of the behavior you want to extinguish.” Maintain your own emotional control: be calm and focused. He recommends cultivating a tone of voice that communicates your seriousness.

It’s never too late for parents who want to stop the disrespect they’ve allowed to go unchecked. Doherty advises encouraging children to become allies in changing things. “Children are happier when they are consistently respectful to the most important adults in their lives,” he writes.³²

Make a Family Mission Statement

Dr. Thomas Lickona recommends making a family mission statement. If you want to be clear about the values you want to foster in your children and the kind of behavior you expect from them, write out a mission statement that explicitly spells that out. He suggests posting it where everyone can see it and refer to it. Dr. Lickona provides this example of one family’s mission statement:

• We commit to being kind, honest and trustworthy, and fair.

• We don’t lie, cheat, steal, or hurt someone on purpose.

• We don’t whine, complain, or make excuses.

• When we make a mistake, we make up for it, learn from it, and move on.

• We work to keep our minds, bodies, and souls healthy, strong, and pure.

• We commit to learning and growing in our faith through practice and trust in God’s goodness.

• We live with an attitude of gratitude and joy.³³

Have Family Meetings

This is another suggestion straight from Dr. Lickona, who believes that having regular family meetings is one of the best ways to build a positive family culture. Such meetings can also be used to solve problems, resolve sibling issues, and discuss policy on matters such as screen time and chores. “It’s the time,” he writes, “when you are the most explicit about the kind of family you want to be.”³⁴ Dr. Lickona suggests starting with a half-hour meeting once a week and including popcorn or some kind of snack so it becomes something kids look forward to. Have one person speak at a time, with no interrupting, and focus on problem-solving instead of blame. It’s an opportunity for parents to share their values and for children to participate in solving problems.