Читать книгу ALWAYS IS FOREVER - Margaret Hawley - Страница 9

As Brian had said, everyone soon realized I was his girl. Our dates were limited to a movie on weekends and an occasional dance, but every chance we had we were together at school. Seldom were we in a car, since neither was sixteen. Brian usually spent Saturday afternoon with me at my house. We would go for a walk or just sit on the couch holding hands, laughing, talking and listening to music. If no one was around, we would spend most of the time in each other’s arms, warmed and excited by innumerable kisses.

When football season began, I would walk to the Snack Shop with my friends after the games. Brian would come by later and walk me home. Sometimes he and a friend with a date would pick me up in a car, and we would spend some time on a country road parked with the radio playing. After being in the back seat of the car for a while, holding each other closely as we shared long and passionate kisses, both our hearts would be pounding, and we would experience excitements neither one had known existed. We were unsure how to handle these sensations and often parted with confusion and a longing that consumed our whole beings.

One night when Brian came by, we took a walk down to the river just outside of town. The moon was full, the air balmy, and soft music played on the radio we had brought long. A New Bulletin interrupted the music. There was a War going on in Korea, and the bulletin announced that President Truman had just fired General Douglas MacArthur. How can such a thing as a war be happening when we sit here on this beautiful night feeling so good and so happy? I asked myself. How could I ever stand to see Brian go off to fight in a war? My heart would break if he ever had to leave me like that.

Sitting on the bank of the river, Brian pulled me over to him and gave me a warm and tender kiss. “Marcie, we’ve been going together for a while now, and there is something I want to ask you. I’ve been trying to find the right time all week.” He fidgeted with his watch, turning it on his wrist. Then shyly glancing at Marcie, he asked, “Marcie, would you be my exclusive girl, go steady with me, go only with me and no one else?”

Without hesitation and so thrilled I could scarcely get my breath, I replied, “Oh, Brian, of course I will. You’re the only person I want to date, the only guy I want to be with.”

“And I only want you, Marcie.” He hugged me tightly for a long moment. “I’m so glad you agreed. Now you are my girl–you belong only to me.”

I had felt I was already Brian’s exclusive girl since neither one of us dated anyone else, but I was glad Brian wanted to make it official. Going steady meant he would give me his miniature gold football to wear on a chain around my neck. I had always envied the other girls in school who dated football players and had gold footballs dangling down the front of their sweaters.

The gold footballs were given to the players as a token of their contribution to the football team, and the guys always gave them to their steady girls. Soon I would have one, and how proud I will be to wear it!

The song, “Because Of You,” was softly playing over the radio. “Let’s listen to the words.” I whispered. Snuggling closer to Brian. “Because of you there’s a song in my heart...,” the singer crooned. “The moon and stars will say you’re mine, forever and never to part.”

“That’s such a beautiful song. Let’s have it for Our Song,Brian. Whenever we hear it we can remember the night here on this river bank when we agreed to belong only to each other.”

“I do like that song, and the words describe our feelings. It will be Our Song, and no matter where I am, I will think of you, Marcie, when I hear it played, even years from now when we are old and gray and still in love.”

“Brian, do you know what soul mates are?”

“No, I don’t think I do.”

“Soul mates are two people who connect in their relationship, their feelings, their desires, in a way they could not connect with anyone else. When true soul mates find each other, they experience completeness, a warmth and joy that stays with them for their whole lives. Their relationship is very harmonious, each feeling what the other does about most things, and especially about their commitment and love for each other. Actually, it is rare for people to find their soul mates; only a lucky few do. Sometimes soul mates meet but, for one reason or another, their lives go in different directions, ending with each making a life with someone else. However, the memory of their soul mate is carried always in their hearts, and all those old feelings can be brought to the surface by a song, a fragrance, by many things.”

“How do you know all of that? That’s not something you learn in school.”

“I read about it in a magazine before we started dating. I was intrigued by what the article said and wondered if I would be one of the lucky ones to meet my soul mate. We can’t be sure we are soul mates; maybe we’re too young to know. I guess only time will tell. Do you think we are, Brian?”

“What you just said could describe our feelings right now, but as you said, maybe it’s too early to know. I just know that you mean a lot to me, Marcie, that I like to be with you, and I hope those feelings continue.”

We lay back on the cool ground, enjoying the nearness of our bodies. Rarely were we alone together since we didn’t drive, and my brother and sister were usually around the house somewhere when we were there. Our love making consisted merely of heavy kissing with our bodies close together. Those limited contacts had awakened longings deep within us.

Lying on the bank that night after Brian asked me to be his steady girl, our kisses ignited new fires. We became more passionate, and a feeling of excitement pierced through my body from my chest to my groin. Brian’s hands began to roam over my body. Suddenly, a warning bell seemed to go off inside my head.

“Brian, we can’t do this.” I jumped up, straightening myself with shaking hands.

“We can, Marcie. It feels so good. Your skin is as soft as satin, and I love you so much.”

“I love you, too, Brian, but I cannot do this. I’m afraid of the consequences; you know where this could lead.”

I sat up and began to nervously wring my hands. “There is something I must tell you. It’s something I’ve tried to put out of my mind but can’t seem to do completely. My cousin, Sarah, who used to live next door, became pregnant in high school and had to go away and have the baby. These feelings we are having tonight could get out of control. I don’t want what happened to my cousin to happen to me.”

The memory of all the agony my aunt and cousin had suffered that year came rushing back to me. I had always been close to Sarah. We were almost like sisters, although we were four years apart. Often Sarah would stay overnight with us. When we were small she would read to me and my brother and sister and play games with us. She became a very special person in our lives. I began to notice a tension between Sarah and her mother. In fact, Sarah seemed to have changed. She seemed quiet and withdrawn and so sad. Often her eyes would be red and swollen. Also, she was gaining weight.

One evening I asked my mother if she had noticed the change in Sarah, and my mother told me Sarah was pregnant and would soon be going away to have the baby. She briefly explained Sarah’s situation and how she was going to give the baby up for adoption.

Not long after that, Sarah did go away, and my mother and I later visited her at the Home For Unwed Mothers. Never would I forget that experience! There were young girls in various stages of pregnancy sitting or walking around. Some were embroidering or knitting, others were reading, many just staring. I had imprinted upon my mind the sad and forlorn look in their eyes. They had been rejected, pushed aside to suffer together or alone. They had no way out; abortion was unlawful and unacceptable by most. Their faces would haunt me for years; I was permanently affected by the experience.

“Brian, when I visited Sarah during her pregnancy, I silently pledged I would not let myself get in her position. What we’re doing now may very well have the same dire result.”

“Okay, Honey. It’s just that I love you so much and it feels so right.” I could tell Brian was trying his best to put aside the strong feelings churning inside him, both emotional and physical. He wanted to be understanding of my worries and concerns.

“Brian, do you realize this is the first time we have said we love each other?”

“Yes, its, the first time we’ve said it, but I’ve felt it since our first kiss.” Brian planted a soft little kiss on my nose.

“I will always love you, Brian, forever and ever,” I whispered, with a sincerity that came from deep within my heart. We kissed a long and undemanding kiss and then walked back to my house.

“I’ll see you in school tomorrow, and before long I’ll have my gold football to give you. I love you, Marcie. Good-night, Sweetheart.”

“I love you, too, Brian. Be careful walking down those dark streets.” I waved as Brian started down the street in a run.

Every day Brian and I either saw each other or talked on the phone. He was constantly in my thoughts. I wrote his name again and again in my books and spent hours going over every detail of the times we were together. My heart was full of love for him. One Sunday afternoon I was lying on my bed listening to the radio. The song, “They Tried To Tell Us We’re Too Young,” by Nat King Cole was being played. The words fit Brian and me perfectly. We may be young, I thought, but we do know what love is. “How do I love thee, let me count the ways,” Elizabeth Barrett Browning had written in one of her poems. She didn’t love her Robert anymore than I loved my Brian. And it will last as years go by, won’t it? Oh, please God, let Brian always be mine! I love him so!

\

#

My house was located directly across the street from the football practice field. I could sit at the kitchen window and watch the players go through their calisthenics, run laps, and suffer through all the strenuous exercises necessary to become tough enough to withstand the punishment received in a football game. It was easy for me to spot Brian among all the players because of the bounce he had when he walked. Once I had him located, I kept my eyes on him alone. He was the only one I watched at the games as well. My heart would nearly stop when he would be on the bottom of a pile of heavy football players. I was terrified he would be hurt; I wanted nothing to ever harm him in any way.

I have known Brian just a few months, I thought, as I sat watching the players practice. How can he have taken over my heart and soul so completely? I long to be with him, to joke with him so I can see his smile that has become so precious to me, to see in his eyes his love for me. I don’t understand all of this, but I don’t want it to ever end.

I was not sorry to see the football season come to a close and basketball begin. Since basketball was not as rough as football, I did not have to worry so much about Brian being injured. As in football, I had my eyes on only one player. Once in a while he would look my way and smile, which made my heart skip a beat. I was so proud and happy he belonged to me. I knew there were girls who were envious of me. He was everything any girl could want, but he was mine. He loved me and wanted no one else; he had told me so many times.

Christmas vacation arrived, and soon it was Christmas Eve. I watched for Brian to come down the walk, feeling sure that the gift he was bringing would be the long-awaited-for gold football.

There was a light snow falling, and all the houses along the street were lit with Christmas lights. They seemed to reflect the warmth and love Brian and I felt for each other.

I heard a knock at the door. When I opened it, Brian was standing there covered with snow.

“Oh, isn’t the snowfall beautiful! It makes the perfect Christmas card scene. You have snow in your hair, Brian. Where is your hat?”

“I didn’t think to put it on. I was in such a rush to get on my way to see you, to look into those blue eyes, to touch you. Merry Christmas, Marcie. This is our first Christmas together.” He took me into his arms, caressing my hair as he held me tightly.

We went inside and sat by the Christmas tree. The rest of the family had agreed to let us have the living room alone for a while to exchange our gifts.

Brian handed me a small gift wrapped in blue foil paper with a white satin bow on top. I opened it and found the gold football he had promised.

“Oh, Brian, I love it, and I love you. I”ll be so proud to have this little football hanging on a chain around my neck. I’ll wear it everyday. I may not even take it off to bathe.” I moved over to give him a kiss. “Help me fasten the chain, Brian, so I can begin this very minute proudly wearing my Christmas gift, the one that says to everyone, ‘I belong to Brian and he to me.’”

“Now, Brian, I have a gift for you.” I reached under the tree and picked up a small box, which I placed in Brian’s hand. He looked at me with a smile and a twinkle in his eyes, evident on his face the childhood joy of receiving a gift, which we never lose. He quickly opened it and found an identification bracelet with his name on the top and mine on the under side.

“It is beautiful, Marcie. I’ll love wearing it knowing that your name is on it. Thank you, Honey. Just having you is the greatest gift I cold have. You are so precious to me, and I love you more than you can know.”

Then Brian pulled another little gift-wrapped box from his pocket and “I have something else for you, Marcie; can you guess what it is?”

“What is that? You already gave me the gift I wanted.” I took the gift from him and shook it a little. “What can it be? I guess it’s perfume.” When I unwrapped it and opened the box, I found inside an identification bracelet with my name on the top and Brian’s on the underside.

“Oh, I love it! This is just like the one I gave you only smaller. I will keep it always, and I’ll love wearing both this bracelet and the gold football. Thank you, Brian. These gifts and you make this Christmas the best Christmas ever. I love you so much. You mean the world to me. I didn’t know feelings like these existed six months ago. Knowing you has changed me from a child to a woman. I know I’m not the age o a woman, but I have feelings of one. No one could feel any more love than I do for you.”

“I hope we can be married someday, Marcie. I’d love to give you an engagement ring sometime when we’re down by the river and there is a full moon. I know you’re the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, even if I am only fifteen.”

“Oh, Brian, it scares me to think how far away our getting married will be. We have to finish high school and college. Can we possibly get through that long wait? I am so afraid something will happen. ‘ve been thinking about this a lot.” Then lowering my head, I muttered softly, “Another thing that worries me more and more is our limited lovemaking. How can we keep it under control all those years? What are we going to do about it, Brian? I love being close to you, but we both want more.”

“I wish you would quit fighting it so hard, Marcie.”

“I wish I could, but I can’t overcome my fears. Even when we are the closest, the fear is always lurking beneath the surface.”

“We will find a way, Honey. For now let’s just enjoy each other and what we have together,” Brian said, taking me into his arms and kissing me tenderly. After a few minutes snuggling together by the Christmas tree, with the glow of the lights reflecting the glow of our love, Brian stood and pulled me up beside him.

“I have to go home now, Sweetie. My family is waiting for me so we can open gifts. Your family wants you with them, too. I’ll call you tomorrow. Merry Chiasmas again. I love you.”

I stood at the door staring up the street for a long time after Brian left, troubled thoughts swirling around in my head. He said not to worry, but I can’t help myself. The longings between us are becoming stronger. I know Brian usually has gotten what he wanted all of his life. How long will he be content with my refusals, my excuses? What am I going to do?

Not only was I afraid of pregnancy, but also I struggled constantly with my conscience. My parochial school training had instilled in me a strong fear of wrongdoing. I was struggling with the conflict of morals and love that had plagued every generation before me. There was no easy answer.

#

The day before New Years Eve Brian called to ask me if I would like to go to a movie on New Years Eve. We would double date with Brian’s friend, Ken, who had a car, and his date. Of course I did, and, as usual, counted the minutes until we were together. So that I would look my best as Brian and I greeted the New Year together, I took special care dressing, as I looked forward to my first New Years Eve with someone besides my family. Brian had made such an impact on my life. I thought about the feelings and sensations that occur inside me whenever I see him, or even when the thought of him enters my mind, which is most of the time. Whenever I am with him I have a burning sensation in my chest and a strange taste in my mouth. The songs say people hear bells rings and birds sing when they are in love. I guess I react a little differently than what the songs say, but I am in love, nonetheless.

Brian arrived, and we rode in the back seat of the car. I nestled close to him as Ken drove to the movie theater. In the movie Brian put his arm around me and took my hand gently in his. I rested my head on his shoulder, and when our bodies touched, we felt that unfulfilled longing, so intense it was almost unbearable. We could hardly concentrate on the movie and were happy to see it end.

The cold night air chilled us as we raced toward the car. Once inside we snuggled up close to get warm. As Ken started the car and headed toward a country road, Brian said, “Ken, I think I’ll have you take us to Marcie’s house. I’d like to be alone with Marcie at midnight. Do you mind?”

“No, that’s okay with me, Brian. You two sure have something heavy going there.”

Jumping from the car, we hurried inside. We had hardly gotten off our coats until we were in each other’s arms. Suddenly, a shudder ran through my body.

“What’s the matter, Marcie? Are you cold?”

I looked at Brian. Tears filled my eyes.

“Oh, Brian, I love you so much it hurts.” I shuddered again, and this time I had an eerie and frightening premonition. I looked at Brian again and then hugged him tightly. I won’t be with Brian next New Years Eve, I cried silently. He won’t be mine forever; I can feel it. Oh, I don’t want that to be true. But it will be true; I can sense it so strongly. What will I do; how can I live without him?

“Tell me what’s wrong, Honey? Why are you crying?”

“They are tears of joy because I love you so much, Brian.” I was not being truthful, but I could not tell him what I feared. It was too horrible to put into words.

Brian kissed me as the clock struck twelve. “Happy New Year, My Darling,” Brian whispered in my. “You will always be My Darling.”

My heart felt like it would break. I will not always be his darling. How did I know this? Where did this eerie feeling come from, the knowledge that heartache lay ahead?

We held each other, never wanting the night to end. But it did end, as Brian looked at his watch that read one o’clock.

“I must go, Marcie. I enjoyed our New Years Eve together, and we will have many more.” He gave me a long good night kiss, as though he did not want to let me go. “I’m glad your tears have dried. It hurts me to see you cry.”

My tears may have dried, I thought, but my heart is filled with dread.