Читать книгу Women are not unicorns - Маргарита Резник - Страница 9

Oh, this is a new chapter and new details. If this has never happened to you, get up and go away.

Kidding. But I don’t believe that there is even one unfortunate person who has never found out about the betrayal. Please note, I’m not saying that she wasn’t cheated on, I’m talking about knowledge.

Everyone has gone through this at least once.

And I guess that I finally caught the adulterer in an unseemly act.

I used to think that everyone always changes. But in reality it turned out that not all, but at least once.

What I mean? I'll explain now. Every person, by the age of thirty, or even twenty-five, has encountered the fact that he was cheated on or that he himself cheated on him at least once.

Life is such a thing that if it is faced with a serious harmful action, it tries not to repeat it again. Rare exceptions cannot cope with this without outside help.

Here I will touch on my sister a little and tell you what influence she had on my life.

From the age of eight, I was something like a recorder for my nineteen-year-old blood friend. I didn’t understand anything of what she was saying, but I wrote everything down. I tried to keep the conversation going because she was giving me money for ice cream.

She woke up after another disco in the morning, on fumes and tipsy, gave me money for tomato juice for herself and sweets for me, and after I returned from the store, she told me about the guys.

I always admired her beauty and charm, she had no end of admirers, but at the same time I didn’t believe them one iota.

– All guys cheat, there is no such thing as love, you just need to use them.

I heard these guidelines, almost like a mantra, from my sister for ten years.

I grew up and we even went to clubs together, but her attitude towards men did not change – an exclusively consumerist approach, no attachments, one hundred percent confidence that as long as she cheats on herself, they will not cheat on her… and therefore will not hurt her.

She doesn’t talk about the part of the phrase after the ellipsis, but it’s a no brainer.

Another interesting observation that I made is media propaganda.

Remember the Argentine TV series "Black Pearl"? There, Perla was constantly disappointed with Thomas, that he was weak in the front.

I was a fan of this series, and of course it left its mark on my worldview.

Next, gossip about relatives and acquaintances played a role: Uncle Sasha cheated on Aunt Sveta, my cousin’s boyfriend cheated on her throughout the relationship, his ex-wife cheated on my father, the parishioner’s husband left for another woman, Uncle Gena cheated on Aunt Lena and eventually left her.

How prosaic everything is, you say. I will confirm your words. It’s trite when people cheat, but we’re still shocked every time: “He seemed like such a good person.”

So yes, I expected something like this all the time.

And finally, when I relaxed in my twenties after three years of seclusion, and began the first serious relationship in my life (it lasted about two months), he left me.

And later he admitted that he had cheated.

This man drank every day, drove drunk, threw hysterics about sex, even proposed marriage to me. And in the end he left with the words: “You were too nagging at me.”

As a religious fanatic, I tried to make a man out of Dima, criticized and nagged him so that he would change, manipulated sex so that he would change.

And in the end she got hit in the back.

Do you know what's terrible? I wasn’t upset that this fallen little man slept with someone else, I sprinkled ashes on my head for my nagging.

I sincerely believed that I should return him and slow down. That since he wanted to get married, then he is the one and I need to change myself, become more loyal to his shortcomings, more patient, forgive and start all over again.

Of course, you already know the sequel. You can guess that I started drinking with him, going to nightclubs, skipping school, and generally becoming more cynical than I was.

Girls, if you tried to imitate your imperfect man only on the assumption that he was the one, then let the world cry, because this is the greatest stupidity of the weak half of humanity.

So what could I do then.

First, do not start a relationship with an alcoholic at all. In Russia, despite the supposed genetic predisposition, there are still men who do not abuse alcohol.

Secondly, I could recognize his psychoticism even in his first hysteria and drive it away.

Thirdly, after he stopped picking up the phone and calling himself, it was worth leaving everything de facto. It was worth completely immersing yourself in studying, and maybe even working part-time, so that there was no time left for stupid thoughts.

Every evening I returned from university to a rented apartment, where my neighbor regularly worked or slept after a night out, and cried in the bathroom.

I hardly ate, I got hooked on “The Sims” (this is a computer game), and if my friend could stay with me for a little while, I occupied her ears and made her depressed.

It was a difficult period, I took Corvalol twice in order to somehow fall asleep. Thank God, I clearly understood the harm of antidepressants and psychiatrists and did not go for “help.”

Zhanna, that same neighbor, had been on antidepressants years earlier because of her boyfriend’s infidelity. What did it cost her? There was barely life… She tried to commit suicide one night while on medication.

Yes, you heard right. Not before or after taking them, but during. Before the intervention of psychotherapists, Zhanna simply suffered and cried, her threats of suicide were just words, which alarmed her parents.

But after a week of taking psychotropic drugs, Zhanna got up at night while the “convoy” was sleeping and went to commit suicide.

Her parents woke up in time and stopped her. This was followed by a difficult period of rehabilitation with withdrawal symptoms, but she coped with it and stopped taking the terrible drugs.

I, taught by her experience, clearly defined my life: “I will never take any drugs to treat mental pain.”

Corvalol was the only weak drug that I wanted to use as therapy.

But in the end it wasn’t he who helped, but you know what?

Comedy club. Yes, yes, the same one with Pavel Volya and Alexander Nezlobin.

The guys pulled me out of my apathy without even knowing it.

Was there a better way than sarcastic TV hosts?

Yes.

If only someone had told me a hundred times that it was not my fault. With love and care he would convey to me that I am not to blame for the guy’s betrayal. If I realized that I was responsible for the breakup, that I was the cause, but responsibility is not the same as guilt, then I would cope.

And in the end, do you know what happened? For about another year I tried to bring Dima back in my usual manner, and I succeeded. True, by that time, cynicism towards men had reached the height of my nature, and I went looking for new adventures.

Then I saw a similar situation in several other women.

Tatyana's acquaintance chose the path of living with an alcoholic who beat her, but “loved” her, instead of self-improvement and a happy life.

Anna, a friend, became a debauchee because of her husband, who drank, cheated and beat her.

The stepdaughter abandoned her studies and began to abuse alcohol because of the guy who proposed to her and, according to rumors, also cheated on her. With her, fortunately, the story quickly corrected itself; the right people were nearby, who quickly grabbed her by the hands and pulled her out of the quagmire, which almost sucked her in. Exactly a month was enough to discover the deplorability of the situation and quickly take drastic measures to restore its causality over life.

What have we done? They did not support her, they condemned her actions (not her in any case). She wrote down her harmful actions towards herself and other people, sorted by time, place, form and event, after which she immediately left her boyfriend, an alcoholic gambling addict, and found herself an evening job in an elite organization together with a new decent young man.

If in my time, then at the age of twenty, I knew such technology, I would have been able to avoid a lot of mistakes.

Do you think that I speak in cliches and in a very veiled manner?

True, because censorship doesn't let some things through. If you are especially interested in how to survive the pain of loss, you can find me on Instagram and write. I will be glad to help individually in your situation.

Back to cheating.

What happens when a person is drawn to flirt (and cheating begins with this) with another person?

Let's take a closer look.

What is a weak front?

In my opinion, this has always been a kind of whim.

Well, that is, we are all polygamous by nature and we would all like to have sex with several sexual partners without feeling remorse.

And since man is a highly organized being and has learned to live in society, he is obliged to fulfill the demands of the majority in order to get along with it.

For example, what are the requirements of the majority?

It has been observed that if two people decide to belong to each other, then the presence of a third upsets one of the couple. Very frustrating. So much so that he can kill the other two. Therefore, it was decided that if a couple agreed to live together, then the expansion of their group should be agreed upon by both members.

Infectious diseases also appeared: syphilis, gonorrhea, HIV in the end. Society, trying to protect itself, noticed that many sexual contacts with different people lead to the spread of infection, epidemic. In their powerlessness against this, contraceptives were invented, but not all and not always, unfortunately, save one hundred percent. Therefore, yes, the most correct and competent way invented by society was a serious relationship between two faithful partners.

Another important part that people paid attention to was the frustration of women due to insufficient financial support for themselves and their children while their husband spends a lot of money on his mistress. Such an angry woman is dangerous to society as a whole. And in order to reduce their numbers, the group again requires fidelity and monogamy.

In my opinion, these are the main things that explain the rationality of life without betrayal.

And therefore, betrayal is simply the inability to keep oneself within the framework of a universal agreement.

This may simply be due to ignorance. Then the solution would be to familiarize children from school with the above arguments in favor of being faithful to a partner.

Or a person deliberately spits from a high bell tower on society, on their demands, because he himself is already in the mood for a gun. This is not necessarily adultery. As a child, he could steal sausage from a store, or money from his grandmother’s wallet.

Do you understand?

How to anticipate betrayal and prevent it.

Explore with your partner all the options for why infidelity is bad. Even if it would seem that the elephant understands it, discuss it and don’t regret the time spent.

Well, agree, preferably in writing, what you will do if this happens. There may be different options: an instant breakup, financial compensation, a large donation to the HIV fund, a trip to the doctor to diagnose and treat complications that have arisen, divorce and finding an ideal partner for the spouse who will allow the offended partner not to suffer alone, not to be interrupted by bread and water after a breakup, do not look for a replacement in fear of never finding one.

You know, even though you smile, that this is possible.

My husband cheated on his girlfriend at the age of fifteen. And like a true gentleman, he introduced his best friend to her, who helped the poor girl survive the pain of loss and restore her self-esteem. They got married and were happy.

Well, have you ever thought that this was possible? Yeah. And this, I tell you, would eliminate a lot of problems with cheating.

Because:

A) such a heme…few people want it. You’ll think three hundred times about whether it’s worth sleeping with another woman, so that you can then fulfill the entire list of promises to your partner.

B) when you imagine that your love will immediately leave you FOREVER, the erection disappears. Here it is important to imagine in the “five Ds” all the colors, the sensations of loss, so that it immediately pinches your chest. The genital organ of both women and men responds well to mental pain and experiences. Otherwise, where do you think frigidity and impotence come from?

After that time they didn’t cheat on me again, in any case, if you don’t get too arrogant, then I don’t know about it.

But with my real husband, we did step A and B to make our marriage cheater-proof.

He cheated on his first wife. I cheated on one of my boyfriends. Therefore, given our experience, it was important for us to agree on loyalty to each other.

If we ever interrupt our agreements, we will definitely divorce and find an acceptable replacement in our place.

We are not saints, and the body sometimes asks for another person. Sometimes you have dreams about having sex with another partner. Sometimes a spark will flash like that. Sometimes a thought comes into your head and doesn’t come out for weeks, you imagine yourself as someone else’s wife, how everything would be. And then he lets go.

This happens to my husband too, he doesn’t tell in detail, he just hints that he had a terrible dream with other people’s boobs, and he laughs.

We came up with a way to prevent betrayal if it happens: don’t flirt.

Well, that is, when hormones are raging, when you are physically attracted to someone, do not take any action. Do not communicate, do not meet, do not meet eyes, do not touch, and especially do not joke with the object of your adoration.

After some time, the hormones release, the mind again takes control of the body, you come to your senses, and again you want only your lover.

Am I writing scary things? Did you think everything was perfect with us? No one is without clouds, don’t believe otherwise. If we didn't have penises or clitorises, and we floated like angels in the sky, then perhaps fidelity could be absolute.

And so, unfortunately, all that remains is to take responsibility and be the cause of your own happiness, to control the genitals, tongue, eyes, arms and legs.

Those who know how to curb their thoughts cause me special admiration. If among you, my readers, there are such people, please respond, just be honest about how it works out for you and how long it lasts. I'm using this as a life hack in my new book.

If you are frigid, then the answer will not count, it’s easier than ever to remain faithful.