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INTRODUCTION HOW I STOPPED WORRYING AND LEARNED TO BECOME NORMAL OR PRACTICING THE PRINCIPLES

I’ve spent way too much of my life worrying about whether or not I was normal, and maybe you have, too— especially if your life has been affected by your addiction or that of another, such as a sibling, parent, child, or spouse. “Am I okay?” “Do I fit in?” “What will others think?” and ultimately, “Is there something wrong with me?” are questions that plagued me my entire life, causing me excessive concern about whether or not I was, in fact, normal.

My disease of addiction only made me feel more abnormal, more apart from my fellow men and women. Recovery through my twelve-step fellowship finally allowed me to stop worrying about normalcy and appreciate myself for the person my Higher Power wants me to be, the person I know I am becoming as I journey through my recovery adventure.

My journey to understanding the meaning of “normal” took many twists and turns, and involved me in intricate strategies I devised for myself, even after I entered recovery. But ultimately, my relief, and my understanding of what normal means for me, came through working the Twelve Steps of my program of recovery.

What follows is my story.

PRACTICING THE PRINCIPLES

NOTE: Many spiritual principles are associated with the Twelve Steps of recovery. These principles overlap and repeat throughout the steps. No one step calls for only one principle, and the principles listed here are by no means the only ones associated with the steps under discussion; however, they are the ones that I discovered and developed in myself by working each particular step.

STEP ONE. THE PRINCIPLE: ACCEPTANCE

When I first came to my fellowship, I was powerless over my addiction; I still am. Does this mean I’m not normal? Absolutely not. As long as I accept that I do not and cannot pick up, I can live quite normally.

Very early in my recovery I was told that Step One was the only step I had to get one hundred percent right— and I believed it! I cannot drink, drug, or engage in other manifestations of addiction and properly practice the remaining steps (or do much of anything else).

Through the principle of acceptance, I now realize the truth of the matter. I am okay with the reality of my condition. I am an imperfect human being, just like everybody else, and yet I am just as normal as anyone else.

STEP TWO. THE PRINCIPLE: FAITH

When I came to believe that a Power greater than myself could restore me to physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional health, this step began to work for me.

With the second step, I learned to right-size. I discovered I was not the center of the universe. I was not the be-all-and-end-all; I could not even solve my own problems. More of me was never enough when dealing with life. I needed something more than myself. I soon discovered that in order to find something greater, I had to become smaller! I had to join the rest of those on the planet, by being more human.

Through faith I was able to leap from my self-constructed pedestal. The key was faith in the idea that those who had gone before me might actually know what they were talking about. It was faith—with a little hope thrown in— that allowed me to try something new, to go in a different direction, and to open my mind to strange new ideas, which made me uncomfortable for a time. In the process, I learned that I was normal after all; I have the same capabilities as other people. I only need to learn to use them properly.

STEP THREE. THE PRINCIPLES: SURRENDER AND TRUST

When I consciously decided to turn both my will and my life over to the care of a God of my understanding (or Higher Power), I learned that by replacing reliance on my own abilities with reliance on God, as I understood God, I could accomplish things I might never have dreamed possible. By doing my best to surrender and trust, by turning my will and my life over to the will of God each day, I free myself from the bondage of working for results.

Through surrender and trust, I’ve learned to be more relaxed about what happens in my life. I can do my share and leave the results up to God. (I happen to believe this is about as normal as I can possibly be.) When I am in the groove of God’s will, I feel better than I ever thought I would. After all, God’s will is going to happen with or without me. I can choose to go along with it, or I can fight it. However, if I choose to fight, I am wasting valuable time and energy.

STEP FOUR. THE PRINCIPLE: HONESTY

When I finally looked at my past life fearlessly and thoroughly, making the moral inventory of myself that Step Four demands, I realized that I had spent all of my todays being haunted by my yesterdays. Writing a list of all my resentments, fears, and missteps in life was not an easy chore, but in doing it I was able to put down the burden of self that I had been carrying with me all day, every day. That’s a lot of baggage to cart around all the time. Writing down my inventory was the crucial step toward ridding myself of my past’s garbage, which was so necessary as I strove toward becoming normal. Today I can be honest, because I’ve learned to be honest with myself first of all. In order to be honest with others, I must become completely, totally, and rigorously honest with myself.

STEP FIVE. THE PRINCIPLE: COURAGE

When I summoned the courage to admit to God, to myself, and to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs, I finally rid myself of the baggage of my past. This took tremendous courage. I thought doing so would leave me empty. I thought I would become a cipher, a nothing. Even though my past was garbage, for the most part I wanted to cling to it because it was all I knew. I was afraid of sharing all my most negative actions with another person; I was also afraid to give myself to the unknown.

I still do not know what happened, but I never did lose myself. My past was still intact; it just did not wield the force it once had. Just as I had become right-sized in the previous steps, my past became more right-sized when I completed Step Five. I came to see my past for what it was—my past.

It is what made me who I am today, but it is not who I am today. While I am a product of my past, I am not simply a compilation of my past acts and experiences. “I am greater than the sum of my parts.” While I have done some bad things—made some bad choices—I can now begin to learn from them. Perhaps you can learn from yours, too.

This step calls for courage, and completing it actually builds courage. The courage I gained from doing this step is a bonus, in that it helped me to move forward and to pass through walls of fear I would most likely have avoided without this crucial step.

STEP SIX. THE PRINCIPLE: WILLINGNESS

When I was completely ready to have God take away the character defects that had been uncovered by the fifth step, and I finally became willing to let God have a go at them, I learned the value of asking for help.

I do not know if asking for help is normal or not, but I do know it makes life a whole lot easier. Today I ask for help, and that is normal for me, although it was never normal for me to ask before, no matter how much I thought I needed it.

STEP SEVEN. THE PRINCIPLE: HUMILITY

When I asked my Higher Power, humbly, to remove my shortcomings, I began to see myself for who and what I really am. I am a fallible human being doing my best with the tools I have. The bonus is that I can also see other people for who and what they are—fallible human beings doing the best they can with the tools they have, human beings who are neither more nor less normal than I am. I lose being judgmental of myself and others and I can operate more freely, while allowing others to do the same. Humility helps me see just how normal I really am.

STEP EIGHT. THE PRINCIPLE: FORGIVENESS

When I made a list of all the persons my past actions had harmed and became willing to make amends to them, I began to experience forgiveness, including forgiveness of myself. This went a long way toward reassuring me that I was indeed normal, although I never would have believed it in the old days.

STEP NINE. THE PRINCIPLE: FREEDOM

When I began to make amends to the people on my eighth-step list, it seemed like the most unnatural thing I could possibly do. Although I still find making amends difficult, I do so when necessary because the results bring me back to a more normal state, and, of course, because it is required for my recovery. Sometimes I have to get my hands dirty, so to speak, in order to maintain my sense of normalcy, but it is always worth the effort.

After making amends to all those on my Step Nine list, I discovered, through Step Ten, that I had made an error in judgment and inadvertently wronged someone. I did not even know the person I had wronged very well, but I became very nervous around the person whenever we happened to be in the same room or area. When I knew he was near, I was a nervous wreck. The gaffe was entirely my fault, and I was pretty sure he would not forgive me. Still, I knew I had to rid myself of the guilt in order to continue in my own recovery. I also knew, from working my way through Step Nine, that this experience is really all about cleaning my side of the street—I am not to concern myself with being forgiven. I make amends in order to find freedom.

Cleaning away the debris of my mistakes gives me freedom to grow. By swallowing my pride, then doing what I have learned to be right, proper, and normal, I free myself from the bondage of my errors. So I made my amends with the person I had wronged. Surprisingly—at least to me—he forgave me. Even if he had not, I knew I had done my best to correct the situation, I was truly sorry, and I would do everything in my power to make sure I do not make the same mistake again. When I see this person today, I do not get nervous. We speak politely, we debate issues, and we get along. I am free to grow and he knows that I know I was wrong and that I will do my best not to let it happen again. When I make amends to others, everybody wins.

Even though making amends can be difficult, the results bring me back—or, sometimes, move me forward—to a state of normalcy. I feel more at ease and better equipped to live my life without worry over things that might happen because I did not clean up my messes.

One of the wonderful lessons I have learned from doing my ninth step is to be more careful about how I behave, so I do not have to make more amends than necessary. Thanks to this step, I have not only freed myself from the baggage of my past, but I have learned valuable lessons about how to conduct myself in the present.

One of the best ways I make my amends these days is to discontinue engaging in my addiction. This is an ongoing amend, and a change I have committed to. Through following this path of ongoing amends I live a more normal life—a life that is becoming more normal to me all the time.

STEP TEN. THE PRINCIPLE: PERSEVERANCE

When I continued to take personal inventory and promptly admitted my wrongdoings (when I realized I had committed them), my life came into greater order. When I persevere in practicing the tenth step, I look at what I have done to ensure I am acting properly—or normally.

Since I discovered the advantages of this step, I have been putting it to use in an ever-more-expedient manner all the time. This step has allowed me, on many occasions, to avoid making mistakes. I am learning to keep my mouth shut when it could do more harm than good to open it. I am learning to consider other people’s feelings before taking any action, and I am learning how my actions might affect others in general.

After practicing the tenth step for a short time, I began to see how it was helping me act more normally. I was causing less turmoil in my life and in the lives of those around me.

STEP ELEVEN. THE PRINCIPLE: PATIENCE

When I first sought to improve my conscious contact with God, as I understood God, patience was near the bottom of my list of assets. I wanted tomorrow’s results yesterday, and sometimes that was not fast enough. Seeking to improve my conscious contact with God has helped me greatly in this area, because, as I have learned, God does things in His time, not mine. Since He is the One responsible for the results, I had to wait, whether I liked it or not. This was a new concept to me. Acceptance helped me with this new concept, but it still was not easy in the beginning. I began to pray every day, morning and night, from my very first day of recovery. Some days I had to be patient with myself because I could not slow my mind down enough even to pray. I had to take time to really focus in order to get the job done. Learning to be patient with myself helped me be more patient with others. Prayer reminds me of who is really in charge of the results. It is not me; it is not any other person, either. It is God.

When I remember who is in charge, I can slow down, and I can be more patient with myself and others. I can let God do His part. Through this process, I can be more calm, relaxed, and serene. This, in turn, helps me to act more normally. After all, when I am calm and relaxed I can think straight. When I am angry and all keyed up, I do not think very well, if at all, before I act. When I think first, I act more properly and more normally.

Daily prayer keeps me focused on what is important.

Prayer keeps me closer to God as I understand Him today, so when He guides me I can move on with full faith that I will be growing better and faster than before, that I will “bear more fruit,” so to speak, instead of feeling a need to know “why me?” in cases where “bad” things happen. If I can apply some patience—allow God to care for me—I will always find a benefit; I will always find growth, which, again, is normal.

STEP TWELVE. THE PRINCIPLES: CHARITY AND LOVE

As the spiritual awakening promised in this step took hold, and I did as the step suggests, I began to carry the recovery message to others, and began to practice the principles of all the steps in everything I did.

It’s hard to decide whether this is the most difficult step or the easiest. I know now that a spiritual awakening will happen of its own accord, if I work the steps. My job is to work the steps, and let God do His job, providing a spiritual awakening for me. Therefore, the first part of this step happens normally as I practice the program.

I learn valuable lessons about life. This is especially true when considering charity and love. I learn that through giving I receive. I had to learn this, because I once thought I received through taking. This is a valuable lesson—this lesson of giving. It teaches me to love whether I want to or not, because I almost never get to choose the people I help; they seem to choose me. The people I have sponsored over the years have always asked me to help them—they did the choosing—my part was simply to be of service. I learned to love them, every one of them, and some of the people I have sponsored I most certainly would not have chosen. God provides the people and the love. All I have to do is do my best to do my part.

Once I had tasted charity and love—and saw what they can do—my desire to continue along this path was heightened, and I discovered I wanted more. There is one final purpose to the twelfth step. I have heard it said that practicing the principles of the program in everything we do is the key to the whole program.

If I could put all of the principles into action, I would be a very busy man. Fortunately, the step says I can practice them, and practice implies that I will make mistakes along the way. In fact, the mistakes themselves help me practice the principles. I must become honest enough to admit the mistakes, while perseverance helps me move forward with the rest of what needs doing. Acceptance keeps me from beating myself up too badly about making a mistake, while patience keeps me from trying to just patch things over if they need a total rebuild. Faith helps me know things will work out if I surrender the outcome to God and trust that He will take care of things. When I find humility, I become willing to forgive wherever necessary, including forgiving myself, and then I summon the courage to make amends, which provides the freedom to move back to charity and love. Of course, it does not always happen in this order, or with this kind of ease. However, as I practice I become more proficient, and as I become more proficient the practice becomes more second-nature, until one day I realize that practicing the principles is a normal part of the way I conduct myself. I am “becoming normal.”