Читать книгу Becoming Normal - Mark Edick - Страница 12

1 WHAT IS NORMAL, ANYWAY?

For me, normal once meant drinking and drugging. Mood- and mind-altering substances, including alcohol, brought me to my knees. My addiction had many manifestations, but a single common thread. Its power lay in what I thought of myself, what I thought others thought of me, and my reaction to what I was thinking. This is my story—how I went from being a drunk to being someone who chooses not to drink. My story is about my old idea of normal and how, through recovery, I was able to define and re-create my new understanding of what I believe normal is.

In recovery, I discovered how my thinking perpetuated my drinking and how my thoughts and my addiction shaped my life. Through the process of working the Twelve Steps in my recovery fellowship, I was able to completely change my relationship with my addiction, and I came to understand why I viewed those who could drink or use socially or recreationally in such a different way. With the help of my sponsor, other members of my fellowship, my twelve-step work, and my Higher Power, I have been able to transform my life in ways I never thought possible. Self-acceptance allowed me to discover that I already was normal. I just did not know how normal I really was.

When I first heard people in my recovery fellowship talk about normal people, or “normies,” as some call them, I used to wince. It was as if normal people and people in recovery were two distinct classes of human being— different from each other, distant from each other, and therefore, unable to understand each other. But as I searched for a greater understanding of what it means to be normal, I learned to get along with all kinds of people, in and out of recovery, for the sake of my own personal growth.

I learned that I limit my growth by the way I define normal. Some I met early in recovery seemed to me to view so-called “normal people” as though they were greater or better than themselves. It seemed to me that some people I met in early recovery thought that those who could drink or use socially—nonaddicts, in other words—had some kind of mystical power that elevated them above those who cannot do these things. They had a word for them: “normies.” These normies seemed to me to occupy an imaginary pedestal in the minds of others in recovery. They certainly occupied a special place in my thinking early on. But I came to realize that if I put these people on a higher plane than my fellows in recovery, I’d place serious limitations on how far I could grow. If I told myself that no matter how much I grow I will never become normal, I would simply add to this desire to become normal a measure of fear that says if I should somehow reach that pedestal I would most certainly fall off, or at least be in danger of doing so. Over time I have learned to discard these thoughts and feelings, because they are self-defeating.

This understanding helps me to see that my program allows me to live life without destroying myself with mind-and mood-altering substances. This gives me a shot at becoming normal (whatever that is). I am neither better nor worse than any other person; I am equal to others. This newfound equality gives me the freedom to grow and to reach my full potential. By removing these self-imposed limits, caused by my distorted thinking about myself and about others, I gain the ability to become so much more than I am today. In every area of my life, I can make remarkable progress. Through this progress, I come closer to normal—whatever that is, anyway!

Recovery helped me to redefine my understanding of normal.