Читать книгу The Full Ridiculous - Mark Lamprell - Страница 15

9

Two days after the accident, you slide into the chair opposite the headmistress’s desk. As your leather belt makes farting noises against the padded vinyl seat, everyone pretends not to have heard it. But you flush with embarrassment anyway. ‘That wasn’t me,’ you want to say, except you realise how pathetic it is to apologise for something you didn’t do. You hate yourself for your unmanly coyness.

And even if you did do it, who cares? It’s not like you could help it, like you were being intentionally disrespectful. Flatulence doesn’t come with an on/off switch. It just comes. Get over it, your internal voice shouts as Wendy hands you back your crutches.

Christina Bowden settles in her leather seat and asks how you are feeling. It takes a moment to realise that she is not privy to the sad details of your inner imbroglio; she is enquiring after your battered body. You can sense a cavalry of pain crashing against the rampart of drugs you have ingested but all you feel is a distant throbbing.

‘Thank God for drugs,’ you quip.

Wendy smiles a smile at you that says: taking the name of the Lord in vain plus condoning drugs. What do you do for a trifecta, Responsible Father?

Christina Bowden smiles enigmatically. You’ve been trying to read her intentions for the last hour or so. She’s spoken to you and Wendy and Rosie, then Rosie alone, and now it’s you and Wendy without Rosie. She’s been fair and thorough. She’s compiled a report of the incident from the testimony of more than twenty eyewitnesses. A picture of the conflict has emerged that is neither as benign as Rosie’s version nor as harrowing as Eva’s. Clearly both girls are at fault but as Christina, call me Christina, has reminded you twice now, Rosie initiated an assault and assault is an expellable offence. Christina has listened to Rosie’s ire about Mrs Pessites’ behaviour and Eva’s response. She has spoken to Rosie kindly and at length about anger management and the application of emotional intelligence. She has been meticulous in her handling of the whole affair.

And suddenly you realise why. She’s going to expel Rosie. If she were going to suspend her, this meeting would have been short and sweet. It’s obvious that the appropriate response to Rosie’s behaviour is a short suspension. But there is no way Christina Bowden can turn her back on the Pessites money. You see now that this woman before you has no choice. It’s not that she wants to expel Rosie. She has to. And she has to be seen to be doing it for all the right reasons. This inquiry is a means of convincing everyone—even herself—that justice is being done. But the instant Rosie O’Dell hit Eva Pessites, her fate was sealed.

‘Your letter made quite an impression,’ begins Christina.

You brace yourself for the systematic dismissal of all of Wendy’s finely penned arguments and think not without a fight, Honey Bunch, you’re not getting rid of us that easy. You shift in your seat and a fabricated fart rips through the room. But this time you’re glad. You only wish it came with a smell.

‘The letter made an impression, did it?’ you ask, edging your disdain with a tint of anger.

Wendy turns, startled by your tone. The headmistress draws herself up in her chair and presses on. ‘I took the liberty of sharing it with the deputy and the school board.’ Here she pauses for dramatic effect but you’re not putting up with any of that shit.

‘And?’ you say, sounding incredibly bored.

Wendy places her hand on yours. To the casual observer, it would appear she is resting it there as a sign of support and affection but underneath there is a vice-like grip that warns: one more word and I’ll snap your fingers off.

Call-me-Christina smiles. ‘We all agree that expulsion would be an excessive response to these particular circumstances.’

Rosie is recalled to the room and informed that she will be suspended for two and a half weeks until the holidays. She may resume classes and make a fresh start in the new term. She sags with relief and her little face crumples into tears. Wendy hugs her and you rub her back as she sobs her gratitude to the headmistress.