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DATELINE SMILEYVILLE - Everybody has heard of 'Mr. Radio' - he is king of kings in conservative talk radio circles. I want to say right up front that I like him and believe him to be what my father would have termed a 'good egg.' One of the first things I plan to do as president is to confer upon him the Presidential Medal of Freedom; not the first thing, but one of the first things. I believe he has earned it. Actually, I plan to give the medal to three of those talk radio fellows. While these three would by no means agree with me on everything, and vice versa, I'm confident that we see eye to eye generally, on most issues. But Mr. Radio, for example, would disagree with the entire notion of the Conservative Democratic Party, a so-called 'third party' to compete against the Party of Mao (otherwise known as the Democratic Party), and the Democratic Party Lite (formerly known as the Republican Party).

Mr. Radio believes that creating a so-called third party would be a bad thing and a terrible, assuring victory for the Maoists currently running the Democratic Party while destroying the prospects of the Democratic Party Lite, as if the Democratic Party Lite were something with prospects and a platform worthy of survival. Uh-oh. I do believe I hear some mumbling and grumbling from a few of you hinterland Americans. What's that? I shouldn't say things like "Maoists are currently running the Democratic Party," or "There is no longer a Republican Party, only a Democratic Party Lite," - I shouldn't say things like that? Hmm. Well. It happens that there are people I know, people whose opinion I value and respect, who agree with you. They feel I should not call the Democratic Party the 'Party of Mao' or the Republican Party the 'Democratic Party Lite.'

Then again, there are other people I know, people whose opinion I also value and respect, who feel it is both appropriate and accurate to call those parties these things. Or to call them the Sodom Party and the Gomorrah Party, for that matter, or to suggest that the one party is best personified by a prostitute and the other by a pimp. But one thing all of the CDP members agree on is that it is good for their presidential candidate to posit the tenet that a house or nation divided against itself cannot stand, and that an America overwhelmingly peopled by those who profess belief in God and seek to peacefully act out their faith, cannot forever walk hand-in-hand with a federal government that is not God-fearing but Godless, a federal government that in fact and in deed seeks to replace God with itself. It does so by allowing the tail to wag the dog. The 'tail' is the federal judiciary, and it is both allowed and encouraged to 'wag the dog' - the American people - by the leaders of both parties in the legislative and executive branches of our federal government. The Congress in particular always has it in its power - always - to rein in and dispense with rogue federal judges, which is something you Americans might wish to begin keeping in mind.

Instead, political posturing aside, the leaders of these two political parties abide a federal judiciary that trashes our Constitution and tramples our civil and religious liberties, while endorsing every conceivable obscene practice and totalitarian dictum of which it can conceive. So yes, I do know people who think that applying such derogatory labels to those two political parties would be both appropriate and good, coming from the presidential nominee of the Conservative Democratic Party. In fact, in a fractious and heated debate shortly after I was nominated, the executive committee of the CDP kicked the ball around on this very topic.

I agreed, to the considerable chagrin of many at that meeting, not to call the Party of Mao the Party of Mao. I will call it the Democratic Party. And I agreed not to call the Democratic Party Lite the Democratic Party Lite. I will call it the Republican Party. I did, however, promise those who fell short in that debate that I'd at least write a few paragraphs in reference to it, a promise I have just now kept. And before attempting to make my case for this so-called 'third party,' it is both fair and appropriate for me to make clear just how strong the disdain of many members of the CDP is, toward these other two political parties. And, after all, even the more polite and mild-mannered members of the CDP, while believing we should call those two parties by their proper names, also believe that those two parties are out to destroy America, and doing a bang-up job of it. And no member of the CDP digs it; nary a one of us. We are, every single one of us, fed up.

I represent the Conservative Democratic Party as its 2012 candidate for the presidency of the United States of America. There is no doubt in my mind, or in the minds of the leaders of the CDP, that the Democratic Party and Republican Party leadership support the behavior of the federal judiciary for the simple reason that the decisions of that judiciary trend strongly for federal usurpation of the legitimate rights and prerogatives of the 'several States,' and of the individual citizens of our nation.

The goal of the Conservative Democratic Party in this election is to introduce itself to the American people, and to get the ball rolling toward the effort to elect CDP candidates to local, state and federal office, commencing in 2014. A CDP-controlled U.S. Congress, when it comes, will know how to get the tail to stop wagging the dog, and won't hesitate to do so.

Oh, one more thing before I move on: in American politics, there is no such thing as a successful 'third party,' and for one simple reason: if a third party is successful, it will only be a third party for a year or two. During that time the American body politic will make a shift, a realignment, one of the previous two major political parties will wither and die, and the new political party then becomes one of the 'two major parties.' This is why I keep referring to the Conservative Democratic Party as a so-called third party. The CDP will be a third party only for a year or two. And the party that must die so that the Conservative Democratic Party can live? The Republican Party, of course. Here is an example for you Americans:

In America in 1852, there were two major political parties: the Democratic Party and the Whig Party. Each of these parties had been, briefly and once upon a time, a 'third party;' by 1852 they had long since became the two major political parties in America. Abraham Lincoln was a Whig. But rough times were assailing America, the issues of slavery and 'States' rights' were roiling the political waters and on the brink of boiling over, and by the presidential election of 1856 a large chunk of the electorate, opposed to the pro-slavery policies of the Democratic Party, agreed that the Whig Party was ill-equipped to deal effectively with the several crises facing the nation. In the Bible - yes, Americans, I am a candidate for the presidency of the United States of America who is not afraid to cite or quote from the Bible in public... shocking, ain't it? - there is a passage in Revelations where the Lord is speaking to the 'seven churches.' He says of one church that it is neither hot nor cold, that He wishes it were either hot or cold, and that since it is neither one, it makes Him want to puke. In so many words. Heh.

And this is just what the Whig Party had become; their leaders were neither hot nor cold, always seeking a tepid and patently false 'middle ground.' Sound familiar, Americans? But the sad truth is that there are times when compromise is in fact capitulation. Unfortunately, sometimes there really is no middle ground, and no legitimate 'compromise' is available. How does one compromise, for example, on an issue such as slavery? This is when a normal and natural event occurs in our political system: somebody wins, and somebody loses. Welcome, Americans, to politics. So you see, it was not the Democratic Party that destroyed the Whig Party. Primarily it was disaffected members of the Whig Party who destroyed the Whig Party - so that they could give birth to a Republican Party that they believed would better reflect their beliefs, a Republican Party that was not tepid, not worthy, like the Whig Party, of being vomited into political oblivion.

So in 1856 there was a democrat who ran for president, and a whig, and a republican. And yes, the democrat did win. That was 1856. If that happened today, good ol' 'Mr. Radio' would say "See? Look what you bad CDP people did - you messed up the republican and elected the democrat!" Which would be absolutely correct, as far as it goes. But it seems to me it doesn't go far enough. Because...

By 1860 the Whig Party had landed on the trash heap of history, the Democratic Party was itself torn by the very issues that had led to the creation of the Republican Party (and the resulting demise of the whigs and subsequent 'shift' in the body politic), and that second Republican Party candidate for the presidency won the election. His name was Abraham Lincoln. The democrats had won in 1856, but would elect just one man as president between then and 1912: Grover Cleveland, who won in 1884 and 1892. The Republican Party, led by those 'irresponsible third party promoters' who 'ruined' the whigs and 'let the democrats win in 1856' - that party, and those people, had success the Whig Party could only dream of. The whigs elected a president in 1840 and another in 1848. That is it. Both had been generals. Both died in office. And there was John Quincy Adams, but he did not become whiggy until after his term as president was over. And those 'third-party' republicans? They won the presidency in 1860, 1864, 1868, 1872, 1876, 1880, 1888, 1896, 1900, 1904 and 1908. Not so bad for a 'third party,' eh?

And now here we are, come full circle in 2012. The Republican Party was born, and thrived, because the Whig Party got run over while walking down 'the middle of the road,' and because the Democratic Party was morally bankrupt. Today, the Republican Party is itself controlled by those who are desirous of attempting to walk it down the middle of the road. And the Democratic Party is morally bankrupt. And the Conservative Democratic Party has just been born.

Given a choice between a Democratic Party candidate, a Republican Party candidate and a Conservative Democratic Party candidate for the presidency, I cannot imagine any 'constitutionalist,' or any conservative, or any Christian or anyone of any peaceably practiced faith who is concerned about the trampling of our mutual religious liberties by a federal judiciary and indeed a federal government as a whole that has run utterly amok - I cannot imagine such Americans voting for anyone other than the Conservative Democratic Party candidate for president. For constitutionalists, conservatives, and all peaceable practitioners of their respective faiths who despise federal curtailment of their God-given religious liberties - these, each and all, are the natural-born adherents and allies of the Conservative Democratic Party.

The math is simple, and real, and the potential power within the American body politic of such a coalition has been virtually untapped - until now. And if such people combine under the banner of the CDP, then the CDP wins elections at all levels. All levels.

__________

"The math is simple, and real, and the potential power within the American body politic of such a coalition has been virtually untapped - until now. And if such people combine under the banner of the CDP, then the CDP wins elections at all levels. All levels." Dr. Thaddeus 'Tad' Flummox, Professor Emeritus from the political science department at Middle Mitten University, spoke these words several weeks before I wrote them in the previous paragraph. Doc Flummox is in charge of strategy for the CDP. We were seated at a booth in Mabel's Diner following a general meeting of the membership. At that meeting, the same thing happened that has happened at every meeting since I got the nominations: people keep trying to add all sorts of things to our political 'platform.' And as at those previous meetings, Doc served as the point man for me and kept all of those additions from getting through the gate. To make sure he knows I appreciate it (Doc can be a bit hypersensitive), I've been taking him to Mabel's and treating him to dinner after the meetings. He's kept a good humor throughout the campaign, so far.

I'd had smoked pork chops, a salad, American fries and coffee; Doc ate a tuna sandwich and drank water. He did, however, have two slabs of Mabel's apple crumble. I had three, and they were bigger slabs than his because Ellie was working and she usually loves me. Good thing she does, too, what with my aiming to marry her and everything. You'll notice I did most of the eating. That's on account of the fact that Doc does most of the talking when we hit the diner after our CDP meetings.

"Yes," he continued, "we win on all levels, local, state and national - but only if we do it right, Markus, only if we are smart! I keep telling these people, meeting after meeting, and they aren't listening to me." His eyes narrowed in an attitude of suspicion, of which I am only too familiar. He proceeded to ask me what the primary reasons are for the failure of every 'third party' attempt that has been made since the Republican Party was created. I had Tad Flummox for several classes during my college career. He is retired. I am fifty-three. He still flings pop quizzes at me.

"The vast majority of the efforts are from the left or far left and are therefore unable to attract sizable numbers in a nation that, in the main, leans conservative. And they all tend to throw everything including the kitchen sink into their platforms. And also, often their timing is bad. And sometimes some people get the idea that a political party with broad appeal and staying power can occur from the billionaire on down. But that, of course, is never the way and can never succeed."

"Correct!" He beamed at me. It bugs me that, after all these years, I still feel like a proud peacock in school getting a gold star, when Tad Flummox gives me that look. Of course, I don't get it near so often as I merit, but Doc always was a tough grader. "A successful political party will of course be called upon to take a stand on thousands of issues over the course of time, and many of those issues will find eventual expression in the platform of a fully mature major political party. But a new party is not a mature party - it needs to focus on several key issues, not encumber itself with, and fracture from the weight of, a platform with two hundred planks! We have our several issues, Markus. Everyone has just got to accept that."

"Well, Doc," I replied after slurping the remaining milk from my apple crumble bowl, "I got a sense at the meeting today that everyone is finally catching on to that fact."

"Good. It's about time." He beamed at me again and then gazed at something in the distance, a look of happy remembrance on his face.

Now, back in college days, Doc Flummox would occasionally brandish a ruler; it was neither a three-footer nor a one-footer, but a rare foot-and-a-halfer. And it was not one of those cheap plastic things. This one was wooden - hickory - and it appeared to be of a thickness perhaps double that of your basic, run-of-the-mill ruler. To the best of my knowledge, that ruler of his was a prop; Doc never bloodied the knuckles or tanned the behind of any student. It did not make an appearance during every class session, but only occasionally, perhaps on an afternoon when we students were unruly and Doc wanted us to quieten ourselves down, or on a morning when we students were sluggish and inattentive and he sought to animate us, and to focus our attention.

As I say, Americans, I never saw or even heard of Doc ever utilizing that impressive ruler for purposes of corporal punishment. But, then again, no one ever saw him actually measure anything with it, either. Moreover, there were these little notches along the metal edge of the ruler, that put one in mind of the notches the baddies etched into their guns in those old black-and-white westerns to signify how many 'kills' they had made during their infamous careers. Sometimes he'd run his thumb along those notches, his eyes aglitter. The first time I ever laid eyes on that ruler, there were nine notches in it. This was way back in 1977. But there were twelve the last time I'd seen it, which was in the spring of 1982.

And now, thirty years later, at a regularly-scheduled meeting of the general membership of the Conservative Democratic Party, Oscar Nobble had just taken the floor. There are no major book stores in Smileyville Township, of course. There is, however, Nobble's Used Book Barn, and Oscar owns it. And for a third consecutive meeting, Oscar Nobble was attempting to introduce a plank into the party platform regarding the "evils of ebooks." He is not pleased that my entire presidential campaign consists of two ebooks. Attempting to encourage him with the notion that the ebooks are likely to become hard-copy books, too, and therefore may one day grace the shelves of his used book barn, did no good. Nothing was doing any good. But on this day, as Oscar began to address the executive committee, of which Doc is a member, I was stunned to see Doc reach under the table and produce a small, narrow, rectangular case, a case I'd not seen in three decades. It resembled the case a billiards sharp would carry his cue in, only smaller. Back in college, everyone noticed when Doc had his ruler, because no one could miss it when he would withdraw it from its case with the flourish of a magician producing his wand.

It is certain that no one missed it on this day, either, at the regularly-scheduled meeting of the general membership of the Conservative Democratic Party. In short order the bubbling stream of words pouring forth from the mouth of Oscar Nobble had fallen to a murmuring creek, and then dried up altogether. And the queue of people waiting to speak after Oscar? Well, it mysteriously disappeared right along with Oscar's flow of verbiage. And the remainder of the meeting ran just about as fine as frog hair, which, as everyone knows, is very fine indeed.

And there at Mabel's Diner, I sat looking across the table at the face of my old political science professor as he in turn gazed across the room, with that smile still on his face. And I smiled, too.