Читать книгу What to Do to Retire Successfully - Martin B. Goldstein - Страница 10
ОглавлениеRetirement is as much a state of mind as a cessation of the labors of life. It has to be regarded as the culmination of those labors, to be enjoyed and cherished. Sadly, many times this is not the case. People who are abruptly thrust into the untimely loss of a job find themselves adrift and ill-prepared for a future not of their choosing. Therefore, preparation for such a prospect must begin at an early age and with adequate psychological as well as practical and financial preparation.
Not all people must adapt to a retirement lifestyle. Those who have a vast amount of money and the freedom to choose are not the primary concern of this work. I address middle-income workers and professionals who need to save and invest for retirement. These individuals have to transition from a routine of going to work each day to a life of greater relaxation and adjustment to the travails of aging and loss of a work environment.
If one can learn to combine the carefree attitude of one’s early years with the wisdom gained through experience, the later years can be the most gratifying of all. This freedom from care does not come by itself—it must be learned and prepared for. Preparation should begin while one is still at the peak of one’s earning potential.
The substitute for the work experience has to be addressed early on with both physical and mental preparation.
PHYSICAL ASPECTS
The importance of physical exercise cannot be understated. As health allows, sport activities are important in any retirement regimen. To the amount the body permits, playing a game and working out should be part of any routine. If you can do neither, walking or just rocking in a rocking chair can help. Robust health goes hand-in-hand with a positive attitude.
DIET AND APPEARANCE
The healthy diet that may have been difficult to maintain with the stress of a busy work schedule is now more possible with the greater ease of a retirement schedule. In your retirement years, eating better and keeping active are of prime importance, especially if you dine out more frequently. The maintenance of your desired weight is important for body image acceptance.
Pleasing yourself in appearance goes a long way to bolster self-esteem and radiates attraction. Being comfortable with yourself is of utmost importance in adjusting to your new time of life.
ACTIVITIES
Fulfilling lifelong desires, such as taking more vacations, traveling to interesting places and being involved in activities not possible while working, can help occupy the newfound free time caused by the loss of working hours.
Mental exercise is as important as physical exercise. Being involved with hobbies, whether it’s getting into new ones or just being more committed to old ones, is required to stave off boredom. Boredom is the enemy of the retired state and can be avoided by utilizing an anti-boredom system: start off each day with a to-do list and keep busy. Such lists should have a continuing activity, such as when you are writing or constructing something. Whether it’s writing letters, articles or books or making furniture, these are engrossing and gratifying activities and gratification is the greatest weapon against boredom.
Read each day. Choose newspapers, e-readers, magazines, journals, books, websites or other material. If you can use your computer or smartphone, be involved with family and friends and have discussions. You have more time to do this now. Challenge your mind with puzzles and quizzes.
Always remember that boredom is your enemy. Fight it!
ACCEPTANCE
Adjustment can be just as easily done as said. Older age demands one adjustment after another. Giving up an activity should always be followed by being involved with another one which is easier to do. If you can no longer lift forty pounds, lift twenty, ten or even five, but don’t stop lifting if you can help it. Do not bemoan the fact that you can no longer lift forty pounds. Accept it and move on. There are emotional substitutes. Revel in the fact that you may be smarter or richer than you were when you could lift forty pounds (or some other substitute).
Constantly give yourself encouragement. Be your own therapist. Urge yourself on to do your absolute best at whatever you do while keeping active.
Take advantage of your extra relaxation time and watch your favorite television programs and movies. Go to the theater as often as you can. Being engrossed in lives other than your own broadens your outlook and maintains your interest.
NEW ROLE
Be involved. Whether with hobbies, family, charities, organizations or other group activities, stay active. Don’t ever quit on yourself. Remember, as a senior citizen you have life experience to impart to others. Always feel important and contribute when you can. Although your children may feel that at some point they have surpassed you, you still have a lot to teach them and, perhaps even moreso, your grandchildren.
Spread your love and care around. There are others who need those positive emotions from you. At some level you are revered by those close to you. Never denigrate your self-worth and be free to exhibit your knowledge; don’t feel rejected if it’s not readily accepted. With age they will learn how right you were.
SPIRITUALITY
Retirement should be a time of reflection. It is a time to remember old friends and loved ones by cataloguing photographs and communications; but it is also a time to make some new friends. Be it golfing, card playing, mahjong or book club companions, make new friends. In general, try new things. We must all fight the sense of loss and depression that comes with painful memories and compensate with good times and positive memories. Always grasp onto previous happiness and bring it forward.
If you are inclined, participation in church, temple, synagogue or mosque activities can now be increased. More time is also available for spiritual exercises, like meditation, contemplation, prayer and relaxation techniques like yoga and tai chi, among others.
Build yourself up. You are not older and uglier, you are wiser and perhaps richer. You would not make the same mistakes you did when you were younger, would you? No, you are smarter than you were then. Constantly remind yourself of this.
Keep your spirits up. Don’t give in. No matter how sick or frail you become, don’t give up hoping for better days to come.
STUDY
Retirement can be a time of learning. Many retirees felt that they could not devote adequate time to study during their work and child-rearing years. Now, with the available time you not only can read more but can attend lectures, enroll in classes and even matriculate at a college, institute or technical school if so desired. That unfulfilled goal to obtain a long-sought-after degree is now possible. Many harbor a love of learning which might not be satisfied in younger years and can be accommodated in later life.
Gaining new knowledge is self-fulfilling and gratifying, especially in a stress-free environment. Not needing to please teachers or worrying about tests or grades, the retiree is free to pursue what he or she wants to learn without any outside constraints. Differing from many prior school experiences, devoid of social and other pressures endured at an earlier age, learning can be a pleasure.
The range of individual desires is endless. One can increase expertise in rebuilding automobile engines, re-experience historical events or enhance skills in scientific or technical areas.
Professionals are taught that, in order to be proficient at their craft, learning should never cease. We must remain students until the end of life. Even teachers should remain students.
Retirement is a wonderful time for learning. The retiree should set aside adequate time to study, not only for self-fulfillment, but also for the gratification of achievement.
SEXUALITY
Nothing gives a sense of youthfulness as much, in my opinion, as an active sex life. Especially in the years after work, a fulfilling physical relationship brings happiness.
In an age group where genital impotence and dryness are routinely more pronounced than in earlier years, adjustments can be made, be they oral or masturbatory, to achieve as frequent an orgasm as desired. This is a physiological as well as a psychological requirement. Glands are meant to secrete for normal functioning.
There are usually no longer young children around to interfere, so with the additional time available and no distractions, sexual activity periods can be planned or spontaneous. In any meaningful relationship, sexual gratification is a proper instinct and should be pleasurable in retirement.
GOALS
Just as you did during your working years, set goals for your retirement years. Don’t just retire from something, retire to something. Whether it’s taking certain vacations, such as visiting exotic countries, climbing a mountain, basking in the sun at the beach or on the deck of a cruise ship, fulfill your goals. Visit cities to which you’ve never been before, even if they are just across your home state. Get up and go!
Don’t procrastinate. Time is no longer on your side. If you are in a new relationship, don’t dilly-dally. See each other as often as possible. Remember, a date each day for six weeks is as much time together as younger people get to experience in a whole year.
If you have been left alone due to a partner’s death, attempt to fill that void. Try going online and visiting dating websites. Have family and friends introduce you to new people. Go to places that cater to singles your age.
Cultivate new experiences. Try new games and activities. Go to that stadium you’ve always dreamed about to see an event of your choosing. Be involved with people, art, sports, music, etc. to your taste. Retirement can be a time of ambition, a time to experience things not possible when work and family matters prevented them.
EXPRESSION
For many, retirement may be the freest time of their lives. Retired people are able to pursue whatever they wish as never before: no parents to answer to and usually no children to physically care for. Now you can seek your heart’s desire, no matter how outlandish or bewildering it may seem to others. Go to Paris and paint. Build model railroads or doll houses. As long as you are able, go fishing twice a week. Go to a dude ranch and ride a horse, go to Egypt and ride a camel or go to India and ride an elephant. Just loll around the house and grill burgers in your backyard. You can do anything you want. There are no bosses, no supervisors and no schedules to meet—only those of your own choosing.
Embrace this freedom. Enjoy it. Relish it. Understand that you own it and count it among your blessings.
AGING
Aging means giving up youthful activities. One by one, a lack of previous abilities necessitates the giving up of something. Physical pursuits have to be curtailed and adjustments have to be made. The best adjustment is to replace an inability with a new activity. If you can no longer play tennis, take up ping pong or another pursuit. If you cannot go for long walks or jog, ride a bicycle. Do something new to replace something lost.
If old friends and family members have moved or passed away, find new ones. Never engage in self-pity; move on. Don’t feel sorry for yourself. You have reached a stage of life others have failed to achieve. You are a survivor. There is too little time left to spend weighed down by guilt.
Accept your retirement as a reward well deserved. Treat it as a new job. Do things to make yourself proud. When younger members of your family promote their achievements, trot out yours. Keep striving within your scope of mind and abilities. Don’t ever quit on yourself.
END GAME
In the United States, in our competitive culture, work has been glorified beyond what is felt in more relaxed societies. In many American circles, retirement has been denigrated to be just a time to wait for death.
Those of us who have enjoyed a much more wonderful experience can readily present a different point of view. Those who choose to embrace retirement should feel that it is a glorious time to do what one wants, as often as one wants, how and when and where one wants, without any stigmatization.
Death should also be embraced. Depending on your religious beliefs, whether you fancy going to heaven, being reincarnated into a higher caste or simply entering a final period of rest and peace, embrace it. Live your retirement days as if each day is your last one and have as much fun and enjoyment as you can.
Never dwell on death. It will eventually come. However, don’t fear it. Embrace it as an ending of all worries and tribulations: a resting in peace and contentment.
EMOTIONAL ASPECTS
Don’t get agitated. Take it easy. You have arrived. Be proud of yourself. Tolerable regimens can lead to new victories. You should feel like a winner. Losing is deflating; accept the challenge of this period of life and treat yourself like a winner.
Every life is filled with mistakes, failures and misfortunes. Do not dwell on the negative. Focus on the good times and positive aspects. Revel in the victories and the successes. Congratulate yourself on overcoming the difficulties. Do this with self-forgiveness and with a strong sense of self-promotion. Retirement is a victory over the pitfalls of labor, over the trials of aging and family and over the maze of life’s changes.
Be victorious in your outlook. Be serene. Be less eager to get angry, less prone to judge and less likely to be offended by criticism. Realize that there are some who criticize indiscriminately to cover up their own insecurities. You have arrived at the pinnacle of living. Enjoy it.
Do not think about what you don’t have or have not accomplished and accept what you do have and appreciate it. No one bats a thousand; even the best baseball hitters get on base less than forty percent of the time. A winning attitude is the best answer to any downturn. Love who you are. You must love yourself before you can love anyone else.
Retirement should not be an end, but the beginning of a new chapter of life. Look forward to retirement with anticipation.
TRANSITIONAL PHASE
No matter how traumatic the circumstance necessitating retirement, be it an illness or an unwanted termination of employment, adequate preparation can reduce the severity of the blow. Preparation is the key.
During your working years, unless you have great job security like owning a growing business in a recession-proof industry, prepare for the worst-case scenario. As technology is replacing manpower with the growing use of robotics and other modalities, job security in the future will not be what it was in the past.
Adequately preparing for a smooth transition is the key to easing into a successful retirement. This can be accomplished by utilizing the formulas for success outlined later in this book.
WORRY
Health issues and financial concerns are among the most common causes for worry, along with familial disruptions. Illnesses can come at any time and are dependent on environmental, genetic or traumatic precipitants and their prevention is usually difficult or nearly impossible to plan for. However, during the retirement period, with a more laid-back attitude and a relaxed approach devoid of rushing, stressing and needing to push boundaries, one can limit one’s exposure to the elements that trigger the usual maladies of advanced age. One is now free enough not to have to brave severely inclement weather and to always be properly dressed to go outdoors. Do not rush. Falling, with resulting injuries, can be life-threatening. Always watch where you are walking, so you will not trip and fall. Whenever it is possible, walk in a timely fashion; do not run.
As a matriarch or patriarch of your family, you may be called upon to arbitrate family disputes. You know your family members, so either use your sagacity to give advice or decline as you see fit. Remember, in your advanced age and need, you may have to depend on these same people in the future, so be wise about it. You do not wish to alienate someone you will need later on. Tread lightly in any judgment. The old adage to say nothing if you can’t say something nice is even more on point as you grow older.
The one thing that you can remove, or at the very least markedly reduce, from your worry list is your financial future. Unlike your health and family matters, you can, with careful planning, control the monetary events leading to a bright outlook, not only for yourself, but possibly for your heirs as well. Adhering to the formulas outlined in this book will typically result in achieving financial security that can lead to a worry-free retirement, no matter your income bracket.
RELATIONSHIPS
With over half the marriages in the United States ending in divorce, family makeup has become, in many cases, more complex. Often, this complexity has led to division, jealousy and animosity among family members. Coupling this additional negative element to the usual disagreements among members of intact families, familial strife is quite a common occurrence. As one who has conducted family therapy sessions for many years, I can attest to the viciousness and hatred that can fester between people who at one time felt love for each other. Retirement should be a time of peace-making and a time to set aside differences and propose a truce to all hostilities. The mind should be cleansed of negative feelings. You are above bad-mouthing anyone; it is beneath your status now. You have arrived at a level beyond petty grievances. All feuding and ill-will should be shed like a worn-out coat, not only for the tranquil results but for the peace of mind and pride it will instill.
MARRIAGE
Nothing can be as disruptive to retirement planning as an unstable marriage. Knowing you have married someone who will be a trustworthy partner through good times and bad is a gift beyond words. I have been blessed to have been married to the same good woman for over fifty years. However, despite this very stable marriage, I can tell you it has taken a lot of emotional effort on both our parts to make it work. We are only human. We are not angels. There are no perfect people and adjustments have to be made to accommodate a happy union.
A couple’s retirement needs to be a unified action, with both partners fully committed and ready to share responsibilities. Each partner should be acquainted with financial and other obligations to be able to take over day-to-day leadership should the other become incapacitated or pass away.
Today, many couples are choosing cohabitation over formal marriage. This, along with multiple marriages and complex families, complicates estate planning and retirement goals. These issues will be addressed later in much greater detail, but one should always be adequately represented legally and financially by professionals in these matters. Otherwise, the results can be catastrophic. Binding prenuptial agreements can protect against threatened retirement assets and should be considered whenever there is a substantial difference in the wealth of the two uniting parties, especially when there are other potential heirs already in place.
Do not jeopardize any sizeable retirement benefits on the whim of a love feeling you experience in older age, something you may feel you have never had before. Remember the geriatric years are the years when the past is measured against the future as never before. You are more prone to reminisce about missed chances and lost romances than you did in younger times. You are also more apt to fall for romantic folly. The ancient adage “There’s no fool like an old fool” bears witness to the truism of this warning. In many ways this is the most vulnerable time of your life, both mentally and physically. Do not be taken in by a misplaced longing for something that is not real and can be devastating to your future.
VICTIMIZATION
Always remember that if you are aging and have accumulated an enviable nest egg, you are a tempting target for charlatans. Some criminals specialize in robbing or vandalizing the elderly and infirmed. Try never to place yourself in harm’s way. Do not be alone or in deserted or out-of-the-way places. Be wary of schemes or strangers offering unsolicited help. Heed the wise axiom: “If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.” Don’t become a victim. Physical or financial harm can be catastrophic to retirement plans. The psychological trauma of abuse or neglect in older individuals can be more debilitating than in younger people, who can bounce back more easily. The resultant depression can be devastating.
LIVING ARRANGEMENTS
Safety should also be a factor in choosing where to live after retirement. This is especially important if one is alone or suffering from illness. Health and self-reliant abilities should determine whether to stay in an apartment, single home, duplex, retirement community or nursing facility. Unfortunately, in cases of extreme disability, family members are often required to make these choices and sometimes not in the best interest of the retiree.
Moving in with friends or relatives can become complicated, with disagreements over the division of chores and financial obligations. After doing things a certain way for many years, the adjustment to the habits of others can be annoying and lead to displeasure and disharmony. Know yourself. If you do not readily adapt to accommodate the desires of others and have had bad experiences attempting to do so in the past, do not obligate yourself to live with others. No matter how much you love your children and grandchildren, if at all possible do not move in with them. Having spent many hours in family therapy sessions with unhappy family members, I can attest to the truth of the old saying that “Familiarity breeds contempt.”
ADJUSTMENTS
The later years of life test our ability to overcome the cruelties of the aging process. One by one we are called upon to give up cherished activities and people we love and admire. It is a time of trying our resilience as we never have before. It is a time of pain, a time of loss and a time of such despair to some people. It is a time when we may have to rely more on others than at any other period since early childhood. It is a time when we are robbed of our strength, our vitality, our good looks and vanity and are left only to recall the memories of these precious things taken from us. However, it can also be a time wherein we muster sufficient energy to retain hope for the pleasures yet to come: victories yet to be won, birthdays yet uncelebrated, weddings yet to be danced at, books still unread, movies and plays yet unseen and music yet unheard. If we cannot dance at those weddings, we can stand or sit at the side of the dance floor and clap. In what time is left to us, we must go on in joy, despite our pain and disabilities. We can conquer the adversity of old age with a sense of good purpose, with courage and conviction in our ability to overcome the ravages of aging.
REFLECTIONS
As more of life lies behind than in front, there is more to recall than to anticipate and subsequently memories capture more of the thinking hours, especially in a leisure-oriented environment. Daydreaming also becomes more frequent when there is additional time to spend with one’s inner self. The long-suppressed questions that continue to nag on beg attention. What would have been had I done this instead of that? If I had chosen another path from the one I did go down? Second-guessing is the fool’s errand of a mind with time to waste. When time is relatively short, time is a precious commodity not to be wasted in useless supposition. Live well with the choices you have made. They were the best you could do given the circumstances, your background and what you were comfortable with at the time. We all make good and bad choices during a lifetime. The success lies, as with all things, in the percentages and the balance the choices create. As long as they tilt toward the positive, as most likely they do to have gotten you to this point, be satisfied with yourself and do not dwell on what might have been. Had you chosen differently, things could be much worse.
In contrast to obsessive thinking about possible mistakes, focus on the most successful things in your life: your family, your achievements and the happiest moments of your existence.
REGRESSION
It is natural to consider retirement to be a return to a form of childhood. Old age has often been called “a second childhood.” In the worst sense it means to focus on the childlike senility of seniors, with loss of memory, decrease in bodily functions and sometimes questionable behavior; but in the best of cases, the ones we strive for, it means reaching a plateau of contentment, what some call Nirvana. In ancient Sanscrit, Nirvana means “a blowing out”: the blowing out of senseless striving, of useless competition, of the need for envy and wishing harm to befall others and instead reaching the degree of security of a happy childhood.1 This is the goal of a life based on the attainment of serenity, not merely achievement. The greatest achievers may be unhappy and unfulfilled in other aspects of their lives, while those who seek out the road to self-gratification in harmony with their environment gain the solace of peace.
In all of your endeavors, an avenue of moderation—avoiding extremes—appears to be the proper path to a contented later life, after labor’s end.
There is no crime in catering to the inner child, present in all of us, when we no longer need to hide the craving for this indulgence. Wishes can now become realities. Previous deprivations need no longer occur. Goals can be met, strivings fulfilled, wrongs corrected and overdue obligations given attention to. The personal world, which might have seemed to be going in the wrong direction, can be made right again.
LOVE
It goes without saying that love is the most important human emotion. Often overused, the word love is attached to inanimate objects as well as people. In many societies humans have sometimes come to love things more than people. This is particularly true in persons who have been hurt and disappointed by those close to them, particularly when they were young and formulating their relationships to others.
The damage caused by painful experiences in the prototypical relationships with parents and surrogates can lead to an inability to fully trust or relate properly, even to a love object. A resultant psychological armor can then engulf the individual so as to not allow that closeness of spirit that is required in true caring. The sensitivity required to appreciate the feelings of others is then lessened to the point, at times, of inflicting hurt and in the extreme even harm, with little or no care.
Without even considering sociopathy, we have to address the hardening of feelings that may occur in a life filled with perceived disappointment, failure and perhaps even cruelty. These psychological deficiencies, undetected and unaddressed in earlier times of avoidance and repression, might, with greater self-awareness, be brought to one’s attention and treated. Even people who merely unintentionally have neglected those who are close to them due to work distraction might, in retirement, seek professional help to overcome these causes of love blockage. Retirement, in these cases, may be a time to consider getting individual or couples counseling in order to improve, or even save, those relationships.
Having spent a sizeable portion of my career administering geriatric psychiatric care, I can attest to the value of psychotherapy, as well as the usual medicinal therapy required in the treatment of older patients. Many adjustment difficulties of the retirement period can be worked out, gaining emotional improvement with proper therapy.
Everyone deserves to be able to enjoy and appreciate true love during their lifetimes. It is the right and privilege of every human being. To not have experienced it in one form or another, be it love of a partner, family member, cherished work or devoted cause, is a psychological deficit and leaves a void. To have reached the retirement age without having experienced it due to an intrapsychic blockage is a condition that may be treatable; therapy is advised. The old saying “Love makes the world go around” is self-explanatory in describing how romantics feel about this emotion. Without love there is no sense of true caring, no feeling of completeness, no exhilaration of spirit.
Some find a substitute in religion or devotion to a cause to compensate for lack of person-to-person commitment, but without love there is an undeniable emptiness. Unfortunately, I have encountered this suffering in the psychotherapy of older, usually depressed, patients, who feel a loss of love, being ignored or neglected.
SAFETY
Having lived a life to the point of being able to no longer need to work to earn a living usually means that there has also been an accumulation of the trappings of wealth: pieces of art, furs, jewelry, valuable coins and the like, bought or inherited over a lifetime. These may be precious to their owners because of the memories and associations attached to them, besides their monetary value. They are also the target of burglars. Homes with such valuables should be adequately insured and protected with burglar alarms. The loss of the life of a loved one is the most devastating of losses, but the loss of objects of attachment which may have come to represent such a loss can also be a cruel blow and has to be protected against. While affection for non-living items has been denigrated as misplaced caring, those who have become enamored with such memorabilia can be severely hurt by a criminal intrusion, especially when these items are representations of important events and barriers against loneliness.
PETS
If one does not enjoy a robust social life, retirement can lead to long hours of loneliness. This can readily be abated with the companionship of a faithful animal friend or even a few. The petting of a dog or cat can bring calm and has been reported to lower blood pressure. An old adage states that “Anyone who doesn’t think you can buy love has never visited a pet store.” To couples who are suffering from “empty nest syndrome,” the adoption of an affectionate animal can, in some way, impart a feeling of substitution to soothe parental needs. Walking and romping with a dog can reprise earlier adventures of pleasure and joy and aid in recapturing the carefree attitude of long ago. A loving pet, for many, can be a suitable companion during retirement.
WISH-FULFILLMENT
Recently much media attention has been drawn to the “bucket list” or the things we want to do before we die, perhaps unusual experiences we had no time for or frankly were too ashamed or too fearful to attempt before. Well, retirement is a time of bravery, a time to set shame aside, a time of adventure, to be free enough to go where you have not dared to go before. You no longer have to worry about what others may think or say. If you have had a previously hidden desire to do something, go ahead and do it. There is no longer anything or anyone to fear, no scolding or meaningful retribution for any legal undertaking that doesn’t harm someone else.
Be brave enough to fulfill your heart’s desire. Retirement is the perfect time to set aside previous inhibitions.
CONTEMPLATION
With added free time, it is only natural to expect that there will be periods spent away from other people by oneself. Existential philosophers have decried the absence of self-awareness in modern society. People are generally so involved with their work and others that there remains little time and effort spent in self-examination. Many go through life not truly knowing themselves, what they want, what they like and what their potentials really are. Some spend a lifetime pleasing others and becoming what other people want them to be. They never truly find themselves and never understand who they really are. Retirement can be a time to rectify this absence of self-awareness, a time to find oneself, to no longer just be what one does, but to learn who one is. What are your true wants and desires, not the ones you have been indoctrinated into? The finding of oneself is necessary to complete the personality and gain perspective on the requirements for the pursuit of happiness.
LANGUAGE
It has often been said that communication is the basis of all lasting relationships and the basic ingredient of communication between people is still language. Despite all of the relatively recent advancements in electronic devices with their unique vernacular inventions, no matter what the form it’s still just a modification of language. How one speaks and addresses others may go a long way to define the nature of relationships formed prior to and during the retirement phase of life. If you have had difficulties in previous interpersonal doings with other people, perhaps a reassessment of the status of your communicating skills should be undertaken. If you have been a boss and are used to giving orders, understand that your peers are no longer underlings and a different tone and demeanor is now more proper. A demanding stature often causes rebellion and resultant dissent. In a time of greater relaxation and with less need for competition, the rule should be to moderate language vehemence and invoke a sense of kindness and compassion in all wordage.
In general, you should realize that you are no longer experiencing the stress of previous competitive existence and can afford to be more generous and benevolent in your endeavors. This is best expressed in the modulation of speech to convey the concern you have for other people and for their points of view. Even if you feel that your educational or life experience superiority places your opinion above that of another, treat the exuberance and brashness of someone junior to you with the same respect you would wish for yourself. Retirement should be a period of a newfound kindness, perhaps one you have never exhibited before. Remember that “goodness is its own reward” and it pays multiple dividends in advanced age. Speak softly, give advice to others and reap the respect you deserve.
FORGIVENESS
It has been suggested that maturity comes when one forgives one’s parents. You mature by forgiving the insults of childhood. In the course of a lifetime a person encounters many painful unpleasantries perpetrated by unthinking or uncaring individuals, some malicious, others unintended but just as hurtful. Over the years, resentments build up. If the insults come from those with sufficient authority to prevent adequate response, it is only natural that significant resentment will occur. If this happens with great frequency, resentment will increase to hatred. Many grow to hate those whom they should normally love or at least like or admire. These painful memories can fester for many years and sometimes transcend death. The pain is deepest when the perceived perpetrator is a person who should have been a protector and guardian against such afflictions. The frustration can build up to a point where the negativity overwhelms the personality and by ego projection the traits of mistrust and unpleasantness are felt by others. Behind every mean and nasty individual there is a story of mistreatment of some kind. Viciousness begets viciousness. This demands that the golden rule of treating everyone like you would like to be treated yourself should be the basis of civilized behavior. However, as we have all experienced, this is not always the case.
The relative tranquility of the retired state is the perfect time to reassess the inner disturbances of long-held feelings of anger and frustration and the desire for the now usually impossible retribution against those who we feel have wronged us. This is a time to forgive even that which we cannot forget and to rise above all the painful memories, to aspire to a level to which we could not ascend before.
Let us also recall that the last years are those that may take us closer to whatever maker we believe in. If there is a life hereafter, as many believe, let us not bring our hatred and animosities with us into whatever further existence awaits us. Let us clear our consciences of the venom of the unforgiving. Retirement should begin with a clean slate, unencumbered by the negativity of the past, to be that successful and truly happy period we all deserve.
SIMPLIFICATION
The best avenue to take to an easy transition into a retired state is the simplest one. Get rid of all the unnecessary accoutrements of what you have experienced previously. Reduce numerous homes to just one or two at most. Replace a large house with a smaller one which requires less upkeep. Reduce or totally eliminate house staff. Find ways to save on expenses. If you have to retire on a tight budget, make a list of all non-essential expenditures and stop making purchases you can no longer afford. Living within your means is the hallmark of adequate preparation and execution of retirement. Giving up unneeded luxuries is the price that needs to be paid for the freedom of a low-income retirement.
Hopefully, the readers of this book will heed the advice imparted herein and will not need to sacrifice at all, but be able to maintain the same standard of living or even better in retirement as before. This should be possible for a great majority of middle-income individuals who begin to implement the formulas outlined in this book at a relatively young age. Adequate preparation is the key to a carefree retirement.
ANATOMY
During the course of over forty years of listening to patients in psychotherapy and psychoanalysis sessions I have heard many people, both male and female, express displeasure with parts of their physical features as well as their emotional unhappiness. Many times the two are related. Coming to peace with who you are physically as well as mentally is an important prerequisite for the acceptance of retirement. Many, if not most, people wish that they looked better to themselves. The list of desired improvements is long. With aging, the list grows longer.
You must learn to accept yourself and a chosen partner as you are in totality, especially in a new environment where you might be called upon to spend more time together. With aging, the deficits we are unhappy with may become increased, calling for additional levels of adjustment.
My wife looks as good to me as some movie stars her age. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. So are wrinkles, blemishes and deformities, which are usually magnified with the aging process. Hair is lost, muscles sag, skin droops and wrinkles—it all comes with the territory. Accept it and move on.
If you can afford to change some of it and you want to do this through cosmetic surgery or similar modalities like botox injections, go right ahead. However, you need to accept and live with the results. Make peace with who you are and with whom you live. This is of paramount importance during retirement when you have the extra time available to look at yourself in the mirror and at your partner.
SICKNESS
Serious illness is a threat to any retirement plan. While preexisting chronic disability can be adapted to, an acute attack that leads to longtime or permanent disability can be most disruptive. However, the effects even of such disastrous conditions can be mitigated with adequate planning. As is affordable, the best healthcare insurance, just like homeowners and automobile insurance, must be acquired to prevent financial and even legal difficulties. Greater specifics will be discussed in the financial planning section.
One of the events that cannot be foretold nor emotionally prepared for is the debilitating illness of a loved one. One can only be financially prepared with adequate insurance (long-term for chronic illness requiring nursing care) and if this is not affordable then be prepared to become a caregiver, which taxes any relationship. No effort should be spared in obtaining the best medical care.
As we age, we require routine medical supervision. Periodic medical checkups are advised, even in individuals with no symptoms of disease. In those cases with specific known illnesses, the proper specialist should be consulted, preferably one with experience in handling older patients. An example would be the consultation of an endocrinologist to outline the treatment for a patient with diabetes. Doctors who specialize in a specific area of medicine are usually more familiar with the latest advancements in their specialties and can make more knowledgeable recommendations than those who do not specialize. Ask your family physician to recommend a specialist or go online and check out the credentials of specialists in your area.
In cases of severe disease or where a serious treatment regimen is advised always get a second opinion. Physicians are not gods, although some act as if they are. They make mistakes and, when the stakes are high, never hesitate to seek out a second or even a third opinion as to the proper course of therapy. If cancer is suspected it might be advisable to consult more than one cancer center and get the opinion of several oncologists, if time allows and the resultant delay is not life-threatening. Except in emergencies or life-threatening situations, whenever surgery is advised for a geriatric person a second opinion is advised. Older patients are more prone to have post-operative complications and surgery should be avoided whenever possible. In many cases, alternative therapies can be found which may yield comparable results to surgical intervention. An example would be the implementation of physical therapy in lieu of orthopedic surgery in appropriate situations.
DEATH
While the analysis of successful retirement focuses on the joy of living, it also has to include the ultimate prospect of the end of life and the most tolerable emotional response to that eventuality. Earlier in this book I called for embracing the thought process of a peaceful end and rest for oneself, but we must also include the response to the death of a loved one. When two lives have been entwined for a long time, such a loss can be overwhelming. Yet it is an undeniable fact that in any relationship one partner will die first and the other will be left to grieve and carry on alone. In retirement, where the two people usually spend more time together than before and get used to spending quality time together, the separation is more painful, especially if death comes suddenly.
In my many years of treating patients with varied therapies for different psychiatric disorders, I have been called upon to administer to some in the solemn state of impending death and also to their family members. The psychotherapy of death and dying is called thanatologic therapy. In 1969 the Swiss-born psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross introduced the concept that there are five stages that people go through during a terminal illness: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. While I have experienced all of these emotions in dying patients, not all patients seem to go through all these phases and not necessarily in the order presented.
In my experience, while there is some glimmer of hope for recovery, the best anti-depressive psychotherapy is to engage the patient in active exercises to marshal internal forces and attempt to combat the disease process. This draws one’s attention to the hope for improvement and away from focusing on the emotions associated with hopelessness. In giving the patient a sense of being involved actively in the healing process, concentration is not only redirected from the dangers of the moment, but in admittedly rare cases remissions have thus been catalyzed. In any event, instilling hope whenever the inevitable is still in doubt is good medicine. When the condition grows so grave that the prognosis is no longer hopeful, a different approach is indicated. I have had the best results—if such a phrase is applicable in this context—with promotion of reassurance. Presenting the positive aspects of reaching some sort of paradise, uniting with beloved departed souls, becoming closer to God (for believers) and just emphasizing the end of pain and the attainment of the peace and serenity of eternal rest in honest repetition can bring relief and solace to those approaching life’s end. Those people who believe in some form of reincarnation or soul migration can be consoled by reinforcing such beliefs at the time of impending demise. In all cases, describing some sort of positive future, even if it’s just of eternal sleep, can be of comfort in overcoming the fear of approaching death.
GRIEVING
One of the most common quandaries after death is what is considered to be a reasonable time period to express grief before resuming an active social life. This is certainly an individual decision to be reached separately by each widow or widower. However, it must be cautioned that in advanced age the future is short and time becomes a precious commodity. Extended grieving, no matter how close the lost relationship was, will not bring the deceased back. Loss can only be compensated for with new gain of some comparable sort, as soon as is feasible. Replacement is also a potent deterrent to the onset of clinical-level depression.
DIVORCE
In some ways and in some cases, divorce can be psychologically equated to a form of death. It is certainly the death of a marriage. From a financial point of view, divorce can be a retirement killer. This will be dealt with in greater detail later in this book; however, the psychological aspects of divorce can definitely be a deterrent to the ideal retirement we all crave. Divorce, prior to or after retirement, drives the average middle-class family to a position of instability wherein retirement plans are usually partially or totally disrupted. Besides the financial catastrophe, animosity is built up by the cause of the estrangement, be it neglect, infidelity, personality clash, money matters, sexual incompatibility or any of the myriad of other reasons people no longer wish to live together. A grave emotional price is paid, akin to that experienced with death. No matter how desired, as in the case of abuse, addiction or both, the sense of a loss of caring, being left alone to be responsible for all matters previously shared leaves many frightened and bewildered. Having to return to the workplace, particularly if the job is not pleasurable or gratifying, is another source of anger and resentment. Needing to go back to a single lifestyle after many years of cohabitation can also be daunting.
In almost all cases where retirement is a desired option in later life, if the union is in jeopardy I strongly advise family counseling of some sort. Seek out your clergyman or, if you can afford it, a professionally trained mental health counselor with experience in this area. If some form of illness is involved, psychiatric consultation is highly advised to aid in the adjustment process.
Emotions often run wild and trump practicality; therefore, the intervention of third party professional objectivity is definitely necessary when rash moves are being contemplated in older-age couples, threatening to destroy what has taken a lifetime to create. Do not overturn the planning of many years with what may turn out to be nothing more than a change-of-life fling. While such ego-boosting moves are commonplace among the very wealthy (who can easily afford such maneuvers), divorce in average-income older people can ruin retirement plans. If at all possible, make every effort to save your union. If there is a threat to your staying together, plan events that promote togetherness, like getaways to places that have special meaning in the history of your relationship (such as where you met or honeymooned).
It may sound as if I am placing a greater value on monetary well-being than on happiness, but understand I am expressing beliefs from the perspective of many years of delving into analysis of the lives of people who wish that they had used sound judgment instead of acting on temporary romantic whims. This is not to say that some unions are just not salvageable and that one or both partners would be better off apart, seeking new arrangements. However, as I’ve conveyed, from the perspective of preserving a decent retirement, avoid separation if at all possible.
DEPRESSION
The aging process itself is a natural precipitator of depression. Aging is a time of loss and the loss of vitality or loved ones is a common reason people become depressed.
I want to delineate between the unhappiness many feel in the geriatric years, a depression caused in reaction to an unpleasant situation, and endogenous depression, which is an intrapsychic disorder (that is, it comes from within, biological or genetic in nature rather than event-driven), usually requiring pharmacologic and in severe cases somatic therapy as well as psychotherapy. Some severe cases of geriatric depression can also require medication, but many, if not most, cases of depressive reaction to the disabilities associated with growing older can be treated with talk therapies.
The loss of work itself can trigger a depressive response in individuals who have come to depend upon the work environment to be a surrogate family, especially when more time and emotional energy are exerted there than at home. In such cases, loss of work is equated to loss of family and can result in separation anxiety and depression. In the most dramatic cases, suicidal ideation can be associated with having to face a non-regimented future. An existence devoid of definitive structure can be frightening to those who have become so used to such an existence as to not be able to envision a life without it. That is what sometimes makes the retired policeman kill himself and career criminals commit crimes just to be re-incarcerated. In advanced societies we have been so indoctrinated with the work ethic that after decades of being employed and befriending coworkers (sometimes making them our closest or only friends), being deprived of this existence can cause feelings of sadness.
There are varying degrees of depression associated with the older years, sometimes exacerbated by the loss of the employment environment. Symptoms can range from feelings of sadness to extreme withdrawal and bouts of weeping. Withdrawal can be manifested in a loss of interest in things previously enjoyed, isolation from family and friends, a loss of libido or, at worst, suicidal ideation. Those who voice suicidal thoughts openly should always be taken for professional care. Never downplay suicidal remarks. Most people who attempt suicide have spoken to someone about such feelings before trying to harm themselves.
Psychotherapy should focus on the learning and psychological incorporation of the skills of adjustment to a life after work.
ACCOMMODATION
Whether you are the victim of downsizing, have been fired for cause, have become disabled, have run into the age barrier of the charter of a firm, have been offered a severance package from a company or government agency or simply have realized you can’t or just don’t want to do the job anymore, retirement is a compromise with reality. Like the baseball pitcher with a sore arm who has lost his velocity and the football running back who has an injured leg, the time has come to make the psychological accommodation to a new phase of life. For some this will be easy but for others it may be much more difficult.
In my experience, those individuals who have chosen to work in industries where there is usually a seasonal break or layoff, like school teachers and construction workers, adapt more readily to retirement regimens. Also, those people who are not intimately involved with the intricacies of the work they do, who may be marginal to decisions regarding their status and therefore have little emotional attachment to the work or have never focused in on one career choice but have moved on from one job to another with periods of being idle and collecting unemployment benefits and, later on, Social Security payments, have relatively little difficulty adapting to a retired lifestyle. When the job you do is only a means of making a living and the people you are associated with at work are just casual acquaintances, leaving for a more relaxed environment is no big deal, if you have enough money. The difficulty comes when you don’t have enough money.
The psychological concern arises with workers whose lives have become so entwined with the regimentation of their work, sometimes to the detriment of family and other aspects of their lives, that they just don’t ever want to quit and don’t know when it’s time to “throw in the towel.”
The process I call deregimentation to aid the marginal cases, who can then overcome their difficulties and enjoy a peaceful retirement, will be covered in the Practicality chapter of this book. Attention will also be given to individuals who should not choose voluntary retirement.
Be aware that various emotional aspects of retirement can become the exhilarating highs of a carefree existence or the throes of despair if not adequately prepared for.
Hopefully, if the advice and formulas given in this book are adhered to, the reader will experience what I have, a delicious icing on the cake of life.
