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The Birth of a Father

“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her.”— Ephesians 5:25

The role of the father is integral to the formation of a family. The conception of the baby within the mother’s womb is the result of the God-designed intimacy between husband and wife — the most intimate act we can engage in with another human being. The spouses’ physical act of love and self-gift results in the creation of a new, eternal, microscopic person.

The father, from the very beginning, is intrinsically involved in his child’s life. It may not be a conscious, personal relationship as of yet, but his participation is designed by God to be necessary for the child’s very existence. As the baby grows, men often find themselves becoming more and more aware of the true reality of this new son or daughter. They can develop a relationship with and a love for this baby even in utero, and the baby can learn to recognize the father’s voice. The more a mother is taken care of by the father, the more she can offer a healthy and love-filled environment for her child.

A mother experiencing high amounts of stress during pregnancy creates high cortisol levels that can potentially affect the baby. Often it is by helping his wife to get the rest, nutrition, and exercise she needs to have a healthy pregnancy and birth that a father can best love his child even before he or she is born. Giving his wife a safe environment of love and support, helping alleviate stress for her, in turn provides a safe environment of love and support for his baby.

As the pregnancy progresses, and the baby grows, the father’s relationship with his child is also designed to grow. It is entirely appropriate and beautiful then, as the role of the father increases, that he be an active and important part of the birth itself. In fact, Saint John Paul II stated that fathers should be attentive and involved in their wives’ pregnancies and births: “Even though we are speaking about a process in which the mother primarily affects the child, we should not overlook the unique influence that the unborn child has on its mother. In this mutual influence which will be revealed to the outside world following the birth of the child, the father does not have a direct part to play. But he should be responsibly committed to providing attention and support throughout the pregnancy and, if possible, at the moment of birth.”⁶³

There is a beauty, difficult to describe, when the father is an active part of the birthing process. Just as the spouses gave themselves to each other in the bedroom some nine months previously, they can complete that process in the birth room, offering themselves to each other for the sake of their family. As the mother literally holds the fruit of their love in her arms for the first time, it is a profound witness to the plan of God for the two to become one flesh. This flesh is now so real that they behold it with their eyes, hold it in their arms, and give it a name.

Birth is an unparalleled opportunity for a husband to witness the true feminine genius of his wife. There is a profound grace present in sacramental marriage, one that is ripe for the taking at the time of birth. As a woman labors she and her husband can draw upon God’s grace. This may be through prayer, service, physical support, or simply interior knowledge. It is wise for you and your husband to talk honestly and plainly beforehand about expectations for the birth. This may relieve pressure and fend off disappointment and dangerous resentment. While you cannot know exactly how things will play out, or the role you will need him to play during the birth, it is important for your marriage that you at least be on the same page going in.

My accidental discovery of my wife’s feminine genius during birth was a transformative experience for my marriage. It made me have a greater appreciation for my wife’s uniqueness as a woman and gave me permission to appreciate my own uniqueness as a man. Differences do exist. We’re equal but different, and there’s a beauty in that difference. The uniqueness makes each one even more special. There’s a liberation in understanding that … together, they bring what their children need to the family.

— Greg W., dad to five

Every man is unique, and each will have a different temperament and relationship with his wife. This doesn’t disappear in the birth room! The men who are more emotionally involved in normal life will be the ones more emotionally involved and offering support during birth. A husband who has difficulty expressing emotion or who doesn’t understand well how to best support his wife in other aspects of life will have that same struggle in the birth room. This is one reason why a good birth class can be so helpful. It can give him not only an understanding of what the heck is happening to his wife during birth, but also the tools to help support her.

A confident father is priceless to a laboring wife. Knowing that he is offering himself in whatever way she needs during birth gives her the freedom to labor with greater confidence. When he believes in her, it’s much easier for her to believe in herself. One of the tremendous roles a doula, nurse, or care provider can play in the birth room is offering the husband relief tools and confidence so he can pass these along to his wife. A provider (or nurse or doula) should never get in the way of the relationship between husband and wife.

Some ways that a father can be truly invaluable in the birth room are through physical support, such as back pressure, massage, head rubs, holding up his wife so she can relax or sway into a contraction, and more. He can be emotionally valuable by giving constant encouragement, letting her know how well she is doing, and exuding confidence in her abilities, from which she can then draw. It is important that he doesn’t make her feel embarrassed or silly at a time when she is especially sensitive and vulnerable, and that he recognize her beauty and power during birth and help her to know that. A husband should know his wife better than anyone else in the birth room, and from that he often best knows how to encourage her. Some women need active cheerleading and physical comfort; some may not want to be spoken to or touched at all. A husband’s emotional strength and stability provide a safe atmosphere for his wife to confidently labor and trust her body. Spiritual support from the father is also priceless, especially as the father is the spiritual head of the family. Having a father pray with his wife during the pregnancy, pray over her during birth, bless her with holy water, or speak words of Scripture over her has the ability to tap into that sacramental grace that is abundant and present for the taking.

Another way that fathers are necessary is by acting as a protector to their wives. The husband has the ability to protect his wife’s space, advocate for her birth plan, talk to the nurses and staff when she cannot, and let her know that she is safe. A woman in labor should not be worried about arguing for her rights or preferences, and if a provider, staff, or family member is not respecting her, their baby, or the space, the husband’s voice is especially helpful and powerful in protecting all of them before, during, and after birth, allowing her to focus on the work at hand.

It can often be a jarring experience for husbands during birth to see their wives in pain and vulnerable, knowing there is nothing they can do to “fix” it. While they can, of course, offer comfort, encouragement, back pressure, and hand-squeezing, the realization that this is not something they can take from their wives or do for them can be hard, if not frightening. It is difficult to watch someone we love fight a battle that we cannot take from them. However, it is a beautiful and awesome thing for him to surrender that desire and simply be with her in the experience. During birth, he can best show love by giving her the confidence that she can do it. Rather than attempt to fix it, he can choose to see her incredible strength. Rather than pushing choices on her that she may not truly want, he can honor and encourage her hopes for the birth, regardless of his preference.

I think I had the sense that my wife’s labor was something I could actively manage or “coach” and that was what was expected of the dad in the labor room. Our next birth was at home, and labor was very, very long. I found myself uncertain about my role during all of it, and this led to tremendous anxiety in me, which I am sure was reflected back to my wife. Over the next seven home births, I learned that the best role I could play was just to be present for my wife in labor — praying, a little comforting here and there when it seemed right, but being careful not to overdo it, keeping the house clean, and being the “tub guy.” For me, watching my wife in labor was still very stressful, and it always sounded good to me to be in the hospital. But our family has been so blessed by the opportunity to birth at home; I am so grateful that my wife sought this out. I would tell any dad going into this experience to not underestimate the power of just being present and calm for your wife as she labors.

— John H., dad to nine on Earth and one in eternity

Fathers have the opportunity to be Christ to their wives in the birth room. Rather than simply wanting to take away the pain, a husband can do something more profound and Christlike — he can enter into it with her, support her through it, and allow her to live out this piece of her story, just as Christ had to allow his mother to endure the suffering of his cross.

Birth often leaves husbands with a newfound respect for their wives as they witness in a raw and unforgettable way the power of the feminine genius. Perhaps that is part of God’s plan, too. Birth is an opportunity not only for the woman to become more fully who she is called to be, but also for the man to become more fully who he is called to be.

He was an integral part of the delivery. He believed in me, was present with me emotionally, and gave me the space to freak out while he calmly massaged my temples or wrists. This guy knew nothing about birth — but now we joke that he should lead doula dad conferences. Having a role — and an important one at that — bridged the gap between feeling like labor was foreign and mysterious and for women only to feeling like it was something we as a couple were facing together.

— Nell O’Leary, mom to four

Husbands can actively live out their love for their wives and babies during the precious postpartum time. During the weeks after birth, dad should ensure that mom is resting, eating well, drinking enough water. He should be as helpful as possible, keeping up with chores and other children, and guarding her time of recovery from outside stress and unhelpful visitors. He should consider it his sacred duty to protect her during this time. He should always remember to keep the needs of his wife and new baby at the forefront of his obligations, giving them precedence over the desires of grandparents, unnecessary work obligations, or his own wants. Dads are incredibly important to the postpartum time, and the more support a man gives his wife during this time, the healthier she, their baby, and, ultimately, their entire family will be.

Birth is transformative not only for the woman, but also for the husband. A healthy, good, beautiful birth, especially one in which he was able to support his wife well, can give him confidence as he enters into the responsibilities fatherhood brings. And while it is important for the father to be at the service of his wife, recognizing her primary role in the experience, it’s also important for him to understand, especially afterward, how the birth may have changed him, too.

Whether it is before, during, or after birth, the man has a tremendous and beautiful opportunity to fulfill his sacred obligation to serve his bride and love her the way Christ loved his Church, laying his very life down for her sake.⁶⁴ It is in this that he becomes the fullest version of himself, rising to the challenge of true manhood, giving his life in ways big and small for the sake of his beloved.

My husband was Christ to me in a very special way during the birth journey of our firstborn. He was that Christlike presence to me in a way we had both never experienced before. He pursued my best interest with courage. He made prayerful decisions that were hard to make at different times. He remained by me during my most difficult suffering, smiled with me during the exciting times, cried with me during the challenging and joyful times, and so much more. All these gifts that he imparted to me, his wife, then and every day since then in both big and small ways, are what kept me positive and steadfast during the weeks of recovery.

— Amanda Perales, mom to three

When the Father Is Not Present

A couple undergoing difficulties in marriage will not leave that behind in the birth room. If there is underlying tension or trouble in a marriage, it is best to do what is possible to address that before the birth. It may be that the birth is a chance for the couple to renew their commitment and a reminder of their vows and love. But if their relationship is greatly stressed or in turmoil, it is important for the mother to discern whether the father’s presence will be a help or a strain in the birth room. As we’ve mentioned and will discuss further, a woman during labor needs to focus on being completely relaxed, vulnerable, and open. If there is an emotional stressor in the room, even if it is from the husband, while it’s certainly not ideal, it may be better for him to be more distant from the birth.

Unfortunately, there are many other instances, too, where the father cannot or should not be present during the pregnancy or birth. This might be due to death, marital issues, or military deployment. There is also the reality of single mothers who do not have a husband or partner to support them through birth. Rather than pretending it doesn’t matter, we respect her dignity as well as the dignity of the baby and the plan of God by acknowledging that this is a very real loss and allowing her to process it as such.

While it is truly valuable and desirable to have an involved and active father present for his wife and baby, the mother without one can take heart knowing that this deep lack can be offered up and united to the sufferings of Christ. It is highly encouraged that a doula or other solid support people be present with her for the actual birth. When the father cannot be involved or present for any reason, this is a chance for the Body of Christ to step in and offer support to the mother and baby however they need.

Immediately after birth, be quick to place the child in the father’s arms — as the ancient Romans were wont to do — but with a spirit incomparably more elevated. For the Romans, it was the affirmation of the paternity and the authority which derived from it; here it is grateful homage to the Creator, the invocation of divine blessings, the promise to fulfill with devout affection the office which God has committed him. If the Lord praises and rewards the faithful servant for having yielded him five talents, what praise, what reward will he reserve for the father, who has guarded and raised for him a human life entrusted to him, greater than all the gold and silver of the world?

— Pope Pius XII, Allocution to Midwives