Читать книгу William’s Progress - Matt Rudd - Страница 29

Alex, newly gay and newly full of joie de vivre, has popped round with Geoff to give us our baby present.

‘Surely the tropical rainforest you sent over was ample?’ I ask innocently.

‘Don’t be silly, dears. This is the greatest moment in your lives – ever. Flowers alone would not suffice. Geoff and I have been talking and, well, we’ve decided we would like to give you something very special indeed.’

Oh, God.

‘Something to mark this wonderful time in your lives.’

This is going to be bad.

‘Your three lives.’

He grips Geoff’s hand, and then Isabel’s. Like he’s Madonna about to walk on stage.

‘Geoff and I would like to design your bathroom for you.’

‘But—’

‘No buts, babes. You wanted it done before Baby arrived, but Willy was too busy at work to do it. We can do it for you. Geoff and I. This country’s newest and hottest interior design team. And I know you’re going to say it’s a bad time, but I promise you won’t even notice the work going on. You’ll blink and it will all be done.’

‘But—’

‘Didn’t I say no buts, babes? You’ve done the nursery yourselves, and look what a mess that is. I simply can’t let you ruin the bathroom, too. Now, here are the catalogues. I’m thinking this bath. And these taps. And Geoff was thinking an LED mirror with a built-in sensor, weren’t you, Geoff? You twenty-first-century designer, you.’

And that was Geoff’s cue. Until then, he’d been uncharacteristically quiet, but he made up for it now with a twenty-five-minute speech on how our bathroom would be the bathroom to set the new standard for all bathrooms. And then he just started saying random words. Light. Space. Air. Movement. Energy. Calm. Length. Girth. Swirling vortex. Drip. Drop. Drip. Movement.

‘You already said movement,’ I point out.

‘Movement. Movement. Movement,’ he continues.

Nothing good will come of this.