Читать книгу William’s Progress - Matt Rudd - Страница 62

1 Isabel woke up at 5.30 a.m., snuck down to my sofa bed, woke me up and said, ‘Jacob’s asleep,’ before starting naughty kissing. Having been asleep, I was still half asleep when I began naughty kissing back. Then, before I could stop and think what I was doing, Isabel was saying, ‘Gently,’ and we were having post-op sex. Less than two months after the Caesarean. And then Isabel was saying, ‘I think we need to stop. It’s hurting.’ And I suddenly remembered that I wasn’t going to have sex with Isabel until she was a thousand per cent recovered. How had this happened? We stopped and that will be it for a while.

2 Saskia is trying to become my Facebook friend. I can’t say no because she’ll know and Andy will know and that will seem childish. And I can’t say yes because then I’d be Facebook friends with Saskia.

3 When I got home from an entirely miserable train journey during which the ginger woman filed her nails and flossed her teeth right opposite me, I found a large half-egg-shaped package in the midst of our living room.

‘Hi, darling,’ said Isabel, as if there wasn’t a large half-egg-shaped package blocking our view of each other.

‘Hi. How are you?’ Was I the only person who could see it?

‘Oh, fine. Jacob is playing up but nothing out of the ordinary.’ Maybe I was imagining it. Maybe I had suddenly developed a half-egg-shaped cataract.

‘Darling?’

‘Yes.’

‘I think I’ve got cataracts.’

‘What?’

‘Either that or the bath, which was supposed to arrive in two weeks’ time, has arrived already.’

‘I know, it’s exciting, isn’t it?’

‘Does this mean we’re going to have a bath in our living room for the next three weeks? Or is there the slightest chance that Geoff and bloody Alex are starting earlier than expected?’

‘No, they can’t, unfortunately. They’re going to Barbados. And they want to be around when the work begins. Because of the filming.’

‘The filming?’

‘Yes. In order to cover the costs of the whole installation, they’re going to have a small camera crew doing a little television thing. It’s only a daytime thing. Spruce Up Your House or something. Geoff and Alex are the presenters. It’s a big deal for them, but it shouldn’t affect us. Didn’t I mention it?’

‘No.’

‘Oh right, sorry. It’s not going to be a big deal, so don’t worry.’

‘But—’

‘I should also mention that there’s been a slight change of plan re the colour.’

‘Why are you talking like someone at a call centre?’

‘It’s lilac.’

‘What is?’

‘The bath.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘The bath is lilac. Only a bit. You’ll hardly notice. It’s like a lilac-white. They just thought it would match the colour scheme better and be more relaxing.’

‘We have a pink bath?’

‘Lilac. Lilac-white. Do you want to see?’

‘No.’