Читать книгу The Taste of Romance Collection - Maureen Child - Страница 31

CHAPTER SEVEN

JAMIE LEANED BACK, glass of wine in hand, staring up at the stars. It was only nine o’clock, but the sun had gone down long ago and the only light around them was the artificial kind. She’d lit the large candle in the center of the table, and the small flame was making her smile with its constant flicker against the glass, but it wasn’t doing enough to distract her entirely from Brett.

Their dinner had been amazing, and things seemed to have simmered down between them. There had been no awkward silences, no difficult conversations, just a pleasant night eating alfresco in good company. She was full and content from the huge bowl of pasta she had, the tomato taste still lingering even now. She’d never tasted homemade tomato sauce like that, and now she had, she knew she’d never be satisfied with the bought kind again.

“You know, when you’re away like we were, the stars are the only constant. The one thing you can look up at, and know that someone else in another country will be staring up at that same sky.”

She turned her head slightly so she could see Brett’s profile. The light was playing off his features, making him look even more handsome than usual. His dark hair looked black, shadows across part of his face making his features seem even stronger, more masculine. Jamie had always thought him handsome, but sitting out here with him tonight, watching the kind and thoughtful expressions on his face, she knew she’d never realized quite how gorgeous he really was. They’d spent so much time together over the years, but never alone like this without the other guys around.

“Did you wonder sometimes why you were there? Wish you weren’t?” Jamie asked him. “I mean, it must have been hard dealing with being away so often, doing what you were doing.”

He chuckled. “There were plenty of times I wished I wasn’t there, but that was usually because of boredom, or missing things from home.” He paused, took a long sip of his drink, clearly deep in thought. “I never lost sight of why we were there, though. And without us? So many soldiers would have been losing their lives. There would be convoys blown up everywhere without our dogs detecting IEDs. Men coming home in body bags. The young guys standing on those bloody things is enough to make you physically sick. Just kids, in their twenties, and having to have prosthetic limbs fitted just to be able to walk again.” He sighed. “And besides, the army was like my family. They were all I had.”

“I can’t even imagine what you went through. How you could put your life and your dogs in danger...” She froze, catching her lip between her teeth. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean...” Jamie wished she could have crawled into a hole and died. She knew why they did it, she just couldn’t imagine dealing with it, living it. And she hadn’t meant to bring up his dog dying again.

Brett smiled, but she knew the reminder of his dog must have hurt.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to worry about offending me,” he said. “We all know the risks when we go in, but nothing prepares you. Especially for the hatred, of how desperate they are to blow each and every one of us into pieces. It’s kind of hard to understand until you’re there, and once you are, you just have to stay focused on the job.”

“I heard about that dog they found. The one that survived despite everything she went through.” Jamie sighed. “I should be embarrassed by how much I cried when I read it.”

He laughed, his smile wide. “Yeah, she was injured, survived one of the harshest winters and summers on record, and managed to be spotted by troops more than a year later. Sarbi is the poster dog for never losing hope. And better still, she’s an Australian citizen.”

They sat in silence for a bit, and Jamie hoped she hadn’t ruined the night by bringing up war and death. She’d been trying to avoid mentioning Sam, but somehow the conversation had reverted to soldier talk, which seemed to lead straight back to her husband.

“Do you think I’m going to make it? As a dog owner, I mean?”

Brett had been leaning back, his chair on two legs, but when she spoke he pushed in closer to the table and leaned toward her instead.

“Sweetheart, Bear is in love with you and you’re desperate to look after him properly. If there was ever a partnership destined to work, it’s this one. And besides, you were already doing well, it was just that he was a bit confused by your signals.”

The smile that spread across her face was genuine, because if Brett thought she could make it, then maybe her chances weren’t so bad after all. Especially with his help to make her understand her new canine—she wouldn’t have ever given up on Bear, but they sure could have struggled for a while trying to figure one another out.

“Talking of partnerships,” she said, digging her fingers into her palm to force herself to continue. “Are you sure I’m not keeping you from seeing anyone? I mean, I don’t want you to feel that you have to be here babysitting me.”

He stared at her, face expressionless. For a moment she wondered if she’d offended him, wished she hadn’t said anything, until he shrugged and grinned at her.

“I’m not seeing anyone, if that’s what you’re asking,” he said. “And for the record, I have no plans to babysit you.”

Jamie fought the blush that was heating her neck and cheeks, refusing to give in to it. “I didn’t mean to be nosy, it’s just you’ve been spending so much time with me, and I didn’t want you to feel so sorry for me that you were missing out on seeing someone else. Someone...” Special was what she’d been thinking of saying. He might have said he wasn’t seeing anyone, but it didn’t mean he wanted to spend all his free time with her.

Now his expression was serious, completely different than before. “I’m not here because I feel sorry for you. Don’t ever think that for a second.”

She stared back at him, lost in his dark gaze, his eyes stormy and almost black in the half-light. She’d thought he looked beyond handsome before, but all riled up he looked even more irresistible.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love having you here, but I feel guilty about keeping you from what you want to be doing,” she said. “I know I need to stand on my own two feet, learn how to be alone.” Just because she knew it, didn’t make it any easier.

“Jamie, I only came back to Sydney for you.”

She swallowed, not quite sure what to say. He wouldn’t have come back to his home city if it hadn’t been for her? Maybe she’d heard him wrong.

“I’m the one who should be feeling guilty, for taking so long to get back here. For not being here for you when you needed me,” he said. “I’ve been beating myself up about deserting you for months, so believe me when I say that this is exactly the place I want to be. Sam was family to me, and that makes you family. I should have been here sooner.”

“Oh, Brett, you were injured and you’d lost your best friend and your dog. You have nothing to apologize for,” she told him. “I just appreciate seeing you again, having you here, but I wouldn’t have judged you if you’d decided not to come home at all.”

He cleared his throat, leaned across the table toward her and then seemed to change his mind, clasping his hands and staring back up at the sky.

“I didn’t come back for no reason, Jamie.”

When he looked back at her, she had to force herself not to hold her breath. Because she had a feeling that what he was struggling to tell her was something that would change everything between them. More than a touch or a drunken kiss ever could, which meant this was something she wasn’t sure she wanted to hear.

Just because she was having feelings for him, knew that the way she felt about him had changed, didn’t mean that she was ready to hear him admit the same to her.

“You don’t need to tell me,” she heard herself say, afraid..

“You know when we met, all those years ago? Before you had even met Sam?”

She did remember, well. It wasn’t something they’d ever really discussed, but it wasn’t something she’d ever forgotten, either. “You were dating that gorgeous blonde.”

“She was gorgeous, but I finished with her that night.”

Jamie felt her eyebrows pull together. “Why?” Now she did want to hear what he had to say. Why would any man end things with a woman that beautiful?

“Because after I met you, you were all I could think about. I didn’t want to ask you out while I was involved, because I wanted to do it right, but by the time I found you...”

No, he couldn’t have. Jamie gulped. “I was already with Sam,” she finished for him.

“You were already with Sam,” he repeated, “and he was happier than I’d ever seen him in his life, so there was no way I would have ever stepped in, even at the start. Sam was like my brother, and I’d have sacrificed anything for him. And I did.”

“But you were looking for me?” she said, voice low, almost a whisper. “You actually came looking for me after that night?”

“Yeah.” He chuckled. “Kind of ironic, huh? It all just blew up in my face like I’d never even met you, like that night had never even happened.”

“And you never told Sam? You just let us...” She didn’t even know what to say.

The night she’d met Brett, at a party where she’d hardly known anyone, she’d been drawn to him immediately. But their flirting had been nothing more than that, because he’d had a girlfriend, although she’d be lying if she said she hadn’t been thinking about him afterward. That she hadn’t wished he’d been single.

And then she’d met Sam. Gorgeous, kind, loving Sam, who’d she fallen in love with and married within a year. Leaving Brett as a pleasant memory of what could have been.

“I told Sam that I’d never found the girl I met at that party, the one I’d talked about nonstop, because when I saw him with you, I knew he’d found the one.” Brett blew out a breath. “I never stopped kicking myself for letting you walk away that night, and I got to see my best friend marry my dream girl. And all these years I just kept my mouth shut and never said anything, because no good could ever have come out of me being honest about my feelings, about what had happened.”

She couldn’t stop staring at Brett, could hardly believe what he was telling her—the words that were coming out of his mouth. She’d been insanely attracted to him, too, but thinking about what could have been wasn’t something she’d ever really considered, until now. Because she’d been happy with Sam, she’d loved Sam, and Brett had always been his best friend. His best friend who’d loved to flirt with her and make her laugh, who she’d always thought could have been someone more to her at a different time, different place.

“So what did you come back for this time, Brett?” she asked.

Brett shrugged. “I told myself I was coming back to look out for you, to stay true to what I promised Sam, but honestly? That’s not the reason I’m still here.”

Jamie’s hand was shaking slightly as she reached for her glass, clutching the stem to steady it, for something to do to stop herself from staring at him. For the first time in her life, she was absolutely speechless—couldn’t even grasp what he was telling her. She took a sip of wine.

“So why are you still here?” Her voice was so low she wondered if he’d even heard what she’d said.

“Because I’ve never forgotten how I felt that night I first met you, and how I felt every time I saw you with Sam over the past six years. Every single goddamn time, Jamie.”

She’d be lying if she didn’t admit to always liking him, too. Because the truth was, she’d never forgotten how she felt the night they’d met, either. And they’d always been so comfortable with one another, so easy.

“And how do you feel now?” she asked, feeling brave and needing to know how he honestly felt about her right now.

He reached for one of her hands, turned it so her palm was facing up and stroked his fingers across her skin before closing his hand over hers. “Honestly?”

Jamie nodded, needing to know, to hear what he had to say.

“I wish to hell I didn’t feel so damn guilty, but my feelings for you haven’t changed, and I don’t think they ever will. No matter how many times I tell myself that it’s wrong, all the reasons I have for it to be wrong, I can’t change how I feel.”

Which meant the ball was in her court. It was up to her to decide where this conversation was going, what would happen next. And just because she wanted something to happen, didn’t mean she was ready for it.

“I...” Her voice trailed off. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Then don’t say anything,” he said. “Just don’t say anything, or forget I ever told you, if you need to. I don’t want things to be weird between us, but I couldn’t keep this to myself any longer.”

“Do you ever think about what might have happened? What could have been if I hadn’t met Sam, if you’d found me before then?” she asked, her voice almost a whisper. “Even the day before I met him, that could have changed everything.”

“All the time,” he said straight back. “I know things would have been different, but I was too slow to find you. We can’t look back, Jamie. Trust me, I’ve been doing it for years and it’s done nothing but infuriate me.”

Jamie knew he wasn’t going to make the first move—to him she was still Sam’s wife, forbidden, out of bounds. He’d as good as told her that Sam had been the brother he never had, part of his surrogate family. But this was Brett. This was a man she’d loved as a friend for years, a man she could trust, and a man who was making her heart race like it hadn’t in so long. A man whose arms, lips, she’d dreamed of; whose touch she’d often fantasized about. It was something she’d never admitted, but it was true.

She pulled her hand away from his and stood up, then slowly walked around the table to stand in front of him. She watched as he pushed back his chair a little, so he was facing her, the expression on his face hard to read. But his body language was more than obvious, telling her that he wanted her to come closer, that he wasn’t going to say no. That he was ready and waiting for her to make a move.

Jamie moistened her lips, eyes on his as she closed the distance between them, arms hanging at her sides as she stared down at the man in front of her. She was going to bend down, had intended on sitting on his lap, but suddenly her confidence was waning. She wanted to be the confident, brazen woman who knew what to do and didn’t hesitate, but it wasn’t something she’d ever had to do before, especially after years of being with the same man.

Brett made it easier for her. He pushed up to his feet and now stared down at her, a good head or more taller than she was. Jamie placed her hands on his chest, feeling the heat of his body, the muscles of his body, through her palms. But it was nothing compared to the heat in his gaze.

She could hear her heart beating, her breath coming out in shallow bursts, but she wasn’t going to back down, wasn’t going to pull away when she was the one who’d started this. Brett was standing still, arms at his sides, but when she leaned into him, tilted her face up to him, his arms came up to circle around her waist and hold her.

They both hesitated, until her gaze hit his lips—his full, tempting mouth—and she suddenly couldn’t wait any longer. Jamie stretched up, on tiptoes, lips meeting Brett’s in a soft, luscious kiss that had her wrapping her arms around his neck to lock him in place.

She relaxed into him as he drew her closer, tucked tight against his big, warm body. Everything he’d just told her was running through her head, sending goose pimples down her arms and back at the thought of him wanting her all these years. And if she were honest, maybe she’d always felt the same, it just hadn’t been something she would have ever acted upon. Until now.

“Jamie, are you sure about this?” Brett murmured, lips brushing hers as he spoke.

She nodded, arms still looped around his neck, and gazed up at him even though she was flushing all the way to her toes at the way he was looking back at her. Just because she was nervous didn’t mean she wanted to shy away from how she was feeling—she wanted to enjoy it. Ever since Sam had died, she’d been lost, sad, alone. Brett was making her feel alive in ways she hardly remembered. It was like she’d become an old spinster, and now she was...well, now there was a fire back in her belly. It might have been wrong in so many ways, but at this moment, it was also right.

Jamie moaned as Brett kissed her again, his lips moving softly and then with more urgency, making her want to rip his clothes off him where he stood. She was conflicted, part of her unsure about being with another man, but the other part...? Maybe it was the wine giving her confidence, but Jamie wanted Brett like she hadn’t wanted anything in a long time. And she’d barely consumed a glass, anyway.

She pushed up his T-shirt, wanting to touch his skin, but his hands left her waist and closed around her elbows, stopping her.

“Hey,” she whispered, mouth still firm against his.

“No,” he said back, and she could feel his smile against her mouth.

Jamie dropped her hands, took a step back. “I’m sorry, I thought...”

He collected her hands and put them firmly back on his body, his arms looped around her waist again, and he tugged her closer.

“You thought right, I just think we need to take this slow,” he said, mouth murmuring against hers. “Let’s not rush into anything we could regret.”

* * *

Brett tucked a finger beneath Jamie’s chin, tilting it so she was looking up at him again. He could see the confusion swimming in her gaze and he didn’t like that he was the cause of it.

“Sweetheart, you mean too much to me for us to ruin our friendship in one night. I’m trying to be the good guy here, and there are only so many times I’m capable of saying no.”

She looked embarrassed. “You’re, ah, right. I mean...”

He’d known Jamie a long time and he’d never heard her stutter, or be lost for words. But then he’d never been intimate with her, either.

“Jamie, look at me,” he said, voice husky as he stared into her blue eyes.

She obliged, eyes finally locked back on his like she’d given in to the fact that she needed to watch him back.

“I meant everything I said, but I’m not even sure we should be doing this,” he confessed. “I just don’t want you to have any regrets.”

Jamie sighed. “I know. You’re right. It’s just...” She blew out another breath. “Well, it’s hard and confusing, but it also just seems natural. Like we’re supposed to be doing this. It should feel wrong but it doesn’t.”

Brett smiled and dropped a slow kiss to her lips. “Don’t take my being a gentleman as not wanting you, okay? Because if I had it my way I’d be dragging you to your bed and not letting you out of it until morning.” He kept his lips only inches from Jamie’s, teasing her. “Or maybe the next few days.”

They both laughed, and he wrapped his arms around her for a proper hug, holding her tight. Brett inhaled the fresh orange scent of her shampoo, enjoyed the softness of her silky hair against his face, the feel of her slender body against his. He wasn’t lying about wanting her, but he was also between a rock and a hard place.

Sam had been his best bud. He’d have taken a bullet for him, and if it had been a choice, he would have traded places with him in a heartbeat if Sam could have been alive to come home to Jamie. But now that he was here, with a lonely widow he’d been in love with for longer than he cared to admit, walking away, resisting her, was proving to be more difficult that he could have ever imagined. All he knew right now was that he was in love with a woman who should still be off-limits to him. And instead, he’d almost been at second base with her, and he’d had to stop things before they went a lot further, and fast. So much for being in control of his feelings.

“What do you say we head inside? Call it a night?” he suggested, even though it was the exact opposite of what he wanted to be doing. To what he was thinking.

Jamie nodded against his shoulder, but she wasn’t letting go. Her arms were tight around him, face nestled against his neck.

“Am I a terrible wife?”

Her words were so low, such a whisper, that he wondered if she’d even meant him to hear them.

“You were a great wife, Jamie. But if you don’t want something to happen here, it’s your call.” He wouldn’t push her, and if she said no, then that would be the end of whatever had just happened between them. “I’ll be here for you no matter what, okay? I want you to do what feels right for you. And I don’t want us to do anything without thinking it through properly.”

She didn’t say anything, just kept holding on to him. When she finally stepped back, her hand came up to his face, warm against his cheek.

“You’re a good man, Brett Palmer,” she said, tears swimming in her eyes as she smiled up at him. “The best.”

Brett just watched her, jaw clamped tight as he looked into her eyes. She was more than just a beautiful woman to him—she was a friend; she was Sam’s widow; she was the woman he’d lusted after for weeks until he’d seen her in the arms of another man, then wondered every what-if about since. And now she was the woman he could have a chance with. A second chance with.

He cleared his throat, unsure of what she was trying to say. Was she letting him down softly, or the complete opposite?

“I think you’re right, we need to call it a night,” she said, her hand falling away as she stepped backward.

Brett nodded, but he quickly reached for her fingers before she moved too far, squeezing them before letting go.

“I’m going to stay out here a while,” he told her, “clear my head a bit.”

She grinned. “If you need any help with that, there’s still almost half a bottle of wine sitting there.”

He gave her a mock salute, smiling as she laughed and walked backward.

“’Night, Brett,” she called out. “Oh, and thanks for the most delicious dinner I’ve ever eaten. You would have made your mama proud.”

“Good night, Jamie,” he said.

He watched as she glanced at Bear sitting under the table, but she didn’t call out to him.

“You keep him for company,” she said. “Just make sure he comes in before you go to bed.”

Brett didn’t take his eyes from her figure until she’d disappeared inside the house, and once she did, he poured himself a large glass of wine and sat down on the deck beside the dog. He would have preferred a beer, but wine would have to do.

“Do you think he’d kill me?” Brett asked the dog.

Bear raised his head and whined.

“Yeah, I know.” Brett gave his head a rub before using that same hand to prop himself up. “He’d probably give me a black eye.”

Sam wouldn’t begrudge either of them happiness, but he’d only been gone six months and already Brett was moving in on his girl. And Jamie was more than Sam’s girl, she’d been his wife. But he’d stood back once to let them be happy, done the right thing, and now maybe it was his turn. If something happened between them, if she really wanted it, then he wasn’t going to push her away. Because he couldn’t. And there was a part of him that thought maybe he finally deserved to be happy after everything he’d survived, that he needed to stop blaming himself for every bad thing that had happened in his life. That maybe he needed to accept that something good could happen to him....

The noise was deafening. The boom that hit his ears, the explosion, was still echoing in his head, until it started to ring—a high pitch that seemed to get louder and louder, and it was the only thing he could hear.

He picked himself up, staggered backward like he’d lost his balance, and realized his leash was still hanging from his hand. Only there was no dog attached.

He looked around him, tried to call out to his dog, but he couldn’t hear his own voice. Then he saw the fur, parts of his dog’s body. He was screaming but he still couldn’t hear himself, just knew his mouth was open and his throat was raw, even as tears fell down his cheeks.

Sam. He couldn’t see Sam either. He yelled out, spinning around and staggering, feet colliding. And then he realized Sam was gone. That the men back at the 4x4 were waving to him, he could see their mouths moving, and then he saw Bear. Sam’s dog. He was dragging his leg, falling over, but Brett wasn’t going to leave him. Couldn’t leave him.

Then everything went black as arms reached out to him and he crashed to the ground....

Brett lay back on the deck and stared at the sky, trying so hard to fight the memories, to push them away and not go back to that dark place. There was nothing he could have done for Sam, he knew that. But he could do something about Jamie—he just had to figure out whether the right thing for her was having him around, or the exact opposite.

It would have been so easy for him to stop her from going to bed, to have asked her to stay with him for a while. It would be almost as easy for him to follow her, to take her hand and tell her how he really felt, tell her what he wanted, see if she wanted the same without offering her time to think about it. But something was holding him back, and he knew it probably always would.

Because no matter how good that kiss had been, no matter how much he wanted her in his arms, she wasn’t his to want. She still wore her wedding ring, and she still loved her husband. So no matter what she might think or feel right now, he needed to give her time. Time to figure out what she wanted. He’d told her the truth, and now he just had to wait.

For some reason, he had to be the good guy around Jamie—he’d felt the same way that first night when they’d just met and spent hours chatting. There was something about her that brought out the good in him, and he liked it.

He just hoped that it was something about her house that had helped him sleep the night before. Otherwise? He’d have yet another reason to want her in his arms. It had been months since he’d been able to shut his eyes and just relax into blackness, to sleep without thinking, and he didn’t want to go back to that dark place ever again. Not if he could help it.