Читать книгу Road to the Rainbow: A Personal Journey to Recovery from an Eating Disorder Survivor - Meredith Seafield Grant - Страница 12

INTRODUCTION

I have been thinking long and hard over the last couple of years about the type of book I wanted to write. I have always known I would write one, but was never sure of the angle. That indecision is over.

With over 20 years of journals, and the documentation of the good, the bad and the ugly, I decided to dive into my recovery. As I began this process, reading my journals was often painful and pathetic. I was acutely conscious of wasted years, and occasionally I could not continue to read, but I persisted because I knew the end result would be useful not only to a sufferer, but to myself. Reviewing them was another step towards continued wellness for me.

I am not a medical professional. What I write are words from a wounded soul to a strong survivor. This book is not a medical reference book. My road to recovery may not be deemed “traditional” but it has worked for me.

My roller coaster of eating disorders has seen my 5’8” frame range from 179lbs to a mere 78lbs. With conviction stemming from experience, I empathize with all those suffering from eating disorders. I have overeaten, consuming everything in sight, hoping to numb the confusion inside. I have restricted intake hoping to literally fade away. I have dealt with the binge cycle, a short-term solution to deal with my inner pain. These latter diseases have monopolized most of my life. What I write and the feelings I note may not strike a chord for each of you, but for most, I think they will be familiar. I know the overwhelming power that food and weight can have on your life even though it is not in truth what it is all about.

Inside you will find a variety of words, diary entries, letters from family and friends, photographs, poems, quotes and journal keepsakes. I have made an effort to share the real, the raw, the results. Through my journey you will see the forks in the road and the techniques or tips that helped detour my death wish destination.

I use these techniques daily because they not only get me through my day, they help to make me enjoy my day.

Sounds impossible doesn’t it?

If you are as I was, you could not imagine looking forward to the morning. The dread, the weigh scale, the food, the clothes, the social functions, the people, the comments; it was a battle to deal with every day, every hour, every minute, every second.

It is important to note that what works for me may not work for you. The idea is to adapt the ideas that best work for you. The suggestions in this book are meant to initiate change and stimulate a new thought process for you towards wellness.

It will take a lot of practice to change. One phrase that has real merit is, “fake it ’til you feel it.” Over time you will be amazed by the change.

I have agonized on the format knowing that I have suffered from a wide range of eating disorders, but that feeling vanished after I attended a recent book reading. The author who had written her own painful life story advised me to “Dig in. Go with your heart. The rest will take care of itself.” So inside..... is my heart.

I hope you enjoy this book. Its aim is to inform, provoke, but most importantly to inspire you to take that first step in recovery. You are worth the effort.

Journal Entry

February 21st 1993

You cannot climb high mountains Before you’ve walked low ground And on the road to wisdom No short cuts can be found Have courage in adversity You will not strive in vain There never was a rainbow Without a fall of rain.

I wish I had written the name of the author of this poem but to whoever it is, thank you. I wrote down this poem as I was struggling one day with how to get better, not understanding the painful process. And it is a process, not a quick fix.

As I read through my journals it is hard to believe the person’s handwriting was mine, that the deep thoughts, the pain, the suffering were mine. The hatred, the self loathing, the paranoia, the jealousy, the meanness, the feelings were all mine.

The hollowness, the cold and stinging hands, the swollen legs, the longing for death. Every feeling, every desperate thought...mine!

Who was that person?

Today I embrace life, participate in life, look forward to life!

How can I possibly be the same person? I look at pictures and I seemed so sad, so numb and now it’s as though I have had life pumped back into me. I wish the way I feel now was contagious because I’d fill a room with eating disorder sufferers and spread it endlessly. But it’s not that simple. The disease is never the same for two and neither is recovery, but stories can be shared.

“I believe that the element of sharing stories of wellness is crucial for recovery. When we tell our stories, even if for a moment, isolation is gone. Sharing the pain and the struggle seems to lessen the bad thoughts and sharing stories of recovery reminds us and encourages us to continue trying.”

Maybe there is one thing in someone’s story that you have not heard or tried. It may be the something that can make a difference for you. I have chosen to write this book because I am well and want to share my road to the rainbow with others, hoping that something I have done can help you. My aim is to help many, but my soul will be filled if one person can be helped because it begins with one. One drop to begin an ocean; one brick to build a museum; one step on the road; one step towards the rainbow.

I begin this book with painful and dark journal entries. I want to share them because I feel it is important to understand the rain, in order to appreciate the rainbow. It is important to know where I have been: the journey from the depths of despair to a life filled with the colours of the rainbow, a life filled with joy, contentment, calm, peace and enthusiasm.

Maybe some of these feelings will hit a nerve, I hope they do. I let you in, to let you know, you are not alone.

Journal Entry

April 5th 1989

“Publisher’s daughter found dead in Garage – Suicide Suspected”

Local publisher of The Recorder and Times, Hunter Grant, has lost his daughter late yesterday afternoon due to apparent suicide. Meredith Grant was found dead this afternoon by Steve Hook who, simply going to the house to visit, noticed an exhaust smell coming from the garage. Hook entered the garage to find the engine of the 1987 Tercel on with Miss Grant inside, door locked.

Police and ambulance were notified and Miss Grant was pronounced dead on arrival. Hunter Grant and his wife Betty were notified immediately in Toronto where they were both attending a Newspaper conference. Both in shock, they arrived home late last evening and are concentrating on arrangements to be made.

Meredith 23, was born in Brockville August 7th, 1965. She attended Brock and Prince of Wales Public Schools, Grenville Christian College, completed high school at Brockville Collegiate Institute, and received a BA from Wilfrid Laurier University. Meredith was known for her involvement in school activities, over the years playing basketball, volleyball, and was on the sports banquet and graduation committee as well as students council. She was known as an organizer.

In June Meredith was accepted with the international group Up With People travelling through much of the US and Europe but due to failing health was forced to leave the program in January. She was involved in the community with Big Sisters and worked for the family business starting at the age of 13.Surviving are father and mother Hunter and Betty Grant (Brockville) and brother Kingsley Grant (Whitehorse). Funeral services will be set for Sunday.Pall bearers are Steve Hook, Scott Giroux, Craig Brown, Joe Haggett and Bob Anderson. Charitable donations to a cause of your choice would be greatly appreciated.

Reflection 2001

What to say? Writing my own obituary. Sad. I can’t believe I felt so desperate although I remember the entry. So much has happened since then; so much life and so much wellness. I am glad this wished destiny did not become my fate. It’s odd because while I mention an illness, I did not acknowledge the illness as an eating disorder. I denied it for a very long time. I felt depressed all the time, numb as though nothing would ever get better. I look back on my life then and people used to say, “You have so much to live for, to be grateful for.” I couldn’t see it. I did not realize at that time that being malnourished could affect how I thought or perceived things. It has since become crystal clear.

Today I cannot imagine writing my obituary. My parents are well, and my relationship with both is amazing. My brother is happily married and has given our family the gift of two very special people: Hunter and Walker. Life since that date has been filled with memories, and had I died I would not have experienced the joy our family feels today.

Today, I don’t fight life, I embrace it.

It’s wonderful.

Journal Entry

November 7th 1992

I saw Steve (family physician) yesterday and my weight was down; while a part of me was quite surprised another said, “Good.” It’s like there was this voice inside of me that whispered, “That’s what you should weigh,” and then even another voice was angry and so frustrated. I want to beat this so badly. It’s as though if I could only “see it” and then fight it, but it’s an enigma: one that I can’t see, hold, feel or touch. It truly is unreal and a distortion.

I get so angry at myself for putting myself here, it’s as though I’m trapped in this thinning mask.

Journal Entry

December 9th 1992

Oh to live a normal life, perhaps for me it is too demanding a request to wish for. Bottom line I probably don’t deserve it. Often I seriously wish I was dead. I so often feel more like a nuisance more than anything else. When I feel like this I usually just shut things off, it’s easier to be numb than to be alert.

Look at the people in Somalia, who get nothing, the sick thing is I like the way they look, plus it stresses the fact to me that I could easily be thinner than I am. I feel so intensely ugly and repulsive.

Words that describe me: don’t fit, ugly and fat, greedy, hurting, worthless, lonely, gross, disgusting, confused, sad, screwed up, numb, nervous and young.

January 12, 2002

Today I sit with over 20 years worth of journal entries that have particular significance, ones that I feel may be of help to others and serve as the foundation of this book. Most of the entries are along the same vein as the ones you have already read. Do I continue with journal entries? I will be honest that I really am not sure where to start. My road to the rainbow has not been as easy as 1+1=2.

Today I reviewed some photographs with my parents, and I could tell how painful it was for all of us to look back on them. It also made me realize yet again the importance of my recovery not only to me but to my family. My life is back, and so is theirs. Even 5 years ago my time with them on vacation would have been dictated by a weigh scale. Today the vacation is filled with wonderful conversation, much laughter, much health and the end result of never having enough hours in the day to do all that needs to be done.

How did I get to this place of health?

Let me tell you first where I have been.